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Perspective Needed

premier10

Hi, Sorry but this is going to be a long one. Seeing a girl for the past 5 months, both mid thirties. Recently i've noticed she can be economical with the truth in that she says something about what she is going to do, but in reality it's a lot different I feel like like i'm being told a lot of lies.
In the past she had weight issues that i was not aware of but since she went on the pill, she is constantly complaining it's my fault i'm making her fat and overweight. I don't have an issue with her weight btw she is not big anyhow.
Alot of discrepanices have occured in that what she was doing, where she was etc. But if i don't answer the phone or be where i'm supposed to be exactly on time. it's all hell break loose. If we go out, I'll pay for everything( no problem with that) but we only go if it's on her terms and she wants to go out.
TBH i think she is living a double life- her own life and then one with me, however the one with me is starting to unravel and i see lots of cracks, we go out when it suits her, we eat when it suits her, we have sex when it suits her. If i suggest we go somewhere at the weekend it's completely shut down. Its gone so bad that I bought a weekend away at Valentines but have not given to her yet because i know a( she won't like it and b) if we did go we did go she will constantly complain.
I feel like a passenger, carrying on to keep her happy, apparently she is madly in love with me, but i'm not, infact possibly heading the opposite way. I do like her and care for her a lot but not in love.
How do I carrry on - Do i give it time or try call it a day?

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babi-hrse

You call it a day. Not all releationships are meant to be.
You said you feel like a passenger in this.
Now of course you could be writing just thinking about your needs. But your needs are important too. Stop for a second and think about all the things she has done for you that you may not have considered. If they just don't add up or after considering it and thinking will you be happy with this in a year's time you have your answer.
It will not change. This will continue as it is.

Big Bag of Chips

What positives are you getting from the relationship, and why do you have no problem paying for everything? Is she unemployed? I think 5 months in and this much hassle it's not worth giving it anymore time. Can you see it getting better? Can you see yourself being able to discuss it with her?

premier10

Thanks for the replies,
I guess I earn a lot more and financially better off.
And Ultimately you are right, i can't see it getting in better. Ive tried to tease out these situations and tbh it ends up with me being the problem!! I'm at the stage of my life(we both are) where long term/family is more prevalent on the agenda. I wish it would happen in this situation but I don't think it's right now.
Thanks

leggo

Sounds exactly like an ex of mine. It did not get better, only much, much worse. Move on, you won't be sorry you did.

Airyfairy12

You sound like a really lovely guy and you deserve better than her, she's taking you for granted and is expecting you to be her little lapdog. Move on, theres loads of really nice women that would be happy to date you.

Sunflower 27

Hi op

She has shown you who she really is: all is well for her when you dance to her tune. Resentment is already kicking in.

Life is too short to waste on selfish people, and this one is selfish. It's ALL about her, that is clear as day

Blaming you for her weight (whether she is overweight or not) but happy to eat the food you generously buy her!!!! Wow.

Come on, you know you deserve better than this.

Ursus Horribilis

Call it a day and get the hell out of there before she "accidentally" falls pregnant. There are so many red flags in what you've described, I don't know where to start. So I won't. Just leave. You won't regret it.

Sephiroth_dude

You don't sound very happy op, I didn't see you write one positive thing about your relationship , she's in total control and like you said you're just a passenger. Blaming you for her weight gain is just ridiculous, from what I know and Im no expert on the pill , they will all have different side effects and it's on her too find out what they are .

I wouldn't take anymore of this nonsense too be honest and would end it ,this is not how a relationship should be . Take back control of your life and end it.

woodchuck

I think you know the answer already OP. Time to call it a day! I doubt any/many on here would argue that.

At only 5 months in, you should still very much be in the honeymoon period. You don't sound happy at all though. And I don't blame you... she's taking advantage by letting you pay for everything and frankly she sounds controlling (all hell breaking loose because you don't answer your phone?!).

gsi300024v

Why does she need to be in control all the time? Is there an area of her life that she is not in control and needs to compensate? Like food and weight maybe?
But yep I'd be heading out the door. Or maybe ask for a talk that isn't an argument. But not saying hey you cause arguments all the time. Just maybe explain you'd like to talk without it getting to an argument, she probably can't do that.

Merkin

Your relationship is not going to work because there doesn't seem to be any equality or compromise. I wouldn't delay, I'd break up with her by telling her that your feelings have changed and the reasons why.

gsi300024v

She probably won't want to hear why you are breaking up. And it might just cause an argument. I'd say you'll get an argument anyway or she'll try get you to stay. Was she cheated on in the past and lost ability to trust?

SarahMollie

OP you've painted a pretty grim picture after only 5 months of dating. You know what you have to do. My real question is why havent you already taken this decision. I see no positives from your original post.

gsi300024v

Yep it might be worth looking at why you put up with this or go for people like this in the first place? How is your self esteem? Ever thought about counselling for yourself? Have you attracted and put up with people who were not so great to you in the past?

ncmc

OP, why are you even considering staying with this woman? She sounds dreadful. You mention almost no positives about her until the very end of your post and then it's like an afterthought. The first 5 months of a relationship should still be the sunshine and roses stage, I actually shudder to think what she would be like further down the road if there were a house/kids/finances coming into play.

I really wonder why you would even feel the need to post this, after this relationship is over, you should take some time out to consider why you were willing to put up with this woman in the first place. You sound like a nice guy, you deserve better.

There seems to be a raft of similar posts in RI lately, fair enough if it's years down the line and there's kids or a mortgage to complicate things, but this is as clear cut as they come. Get out and meet someone who will appreciate you. I wouldn't even get into the nitty gritty and the probable argument that would ensue. Just say you don't think it's gonna work out and leave with your head held high.

tippone

op it will not get better there should be a common ground or a click and most fellas would call her a ball burster<SNIP>,,,, take care of yourself

dudara

@tippone - Welcome to Boards, but please read the forum charter before posting again. The solicitation of PMs is not allowed

dudara

tippone

sorry dudara ill behave in future

premier10

Thank you all for your replies.
Well, I ended it - needless to say it was not good! I've learned more about that woman today than i did whilst we were dating and believe me I'm still in shock!!
Anyway onwards and upwards. Thanks

babi-hrse

You did the right thing. You'll get back on top. Keep looking forwards and take what you learned from this as the Do's and donts' for your next releationship

leggo

premier10 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies.
Well, I ended it - needless to say it was not good! I've learned more about that woman today than i did whilst we were dating and believe me I'm still in shock!!
Anyway onwards and upwards. Thanks

Was she cheating or something? Anyway fair play man it's not something you'll regret!

gsi300024v

Guessing she didn't hold back at all and let it all out and you didn't like what you saw/heard even more than before.
Well done mate.

premier10

leggo wrote: »

Was she cheating or something? Anyway fair play man it's not something you'll regret!

No, not that i know off.

gsi300024v wrote: »

Guessing she didn't hold back at all and let it all out and you didn't like what you saw/heard even more than before.
Well done mate.

True colours really shine when the **** hits the fan! Same story as always, same excuses - my fault as per usual.
Anyway wish i could erase the past few months but can't. Time to try and forget it now.

Thanks

Ursus Horribilis

Hey, at least you're only talking about a few months here. Not years! Take the positives from it. You were brave enough to ask for help here when you sensed something was wrong. You ended it, something not everyone here does when it's clear they should. You're able to walk away from this without leaving children, mortgages or a broken marriage in your wake. Chin up. Hopefully you'll meet someone nicer soon.

professore

premier10 wrote: »

Hi, Sorry but this is going to be a long one. Seeing a girl for the past 5 months, both mid thirties. Recently i've noticed she can be economical with the truth in that she says something about what she is going to do, but in reality it's a lot different I feel like like i'm being told a lot of lies.
In the past she had weight issues that i was not aware of but since she went on the pill, she is constantly complaining it's my fault i'm making her fat and overweight. I don't have an issue with her weight btw she is not big anyhow.
Alot of discrepanices have occured in that what she was doing, where she was etc. But if i don't answer the phone or be where i'm supposed to be exactly on time. it's all hell break loose. If we go out, I'll pay for everything( no problem with that) but we only go if it's on her terms and she wants to go out.
TBH i think she is living a double life- her own life and then one with me, however the one with me is starting to unravel and i see lots of cracks, we go out when it suits her, we eat when it suits her, we have sex when it suits her. If i suggest we go somewhere at the weekend it's completely shut down. Its gone so bad that I bought a weekend away at Valentines but have not given to her yet because i know a( she won't like it and b) if we did go we did go she will constantly complain.
I feel like a passenger, carrying on to keep her happy, apparently she is madly in love with me, but i'm not, infact possibly heading the opposite way. I do like her and care for her a lot but not in love.
How do I carrry on - Do i give it time or try call it a day?

You are lucky to find all this out only 5 months in. She sounds like a real catch. Chalk it down as a learning experience and go out there again looking for another woman. And as other posters have suggested, it sounds like she's cheating on you too. Cheaters often project their behaviour on others, e.g. "Why were you 1 hour late at work" translates as "If I was 1 hour late it is probably because I was cheating with the boss so he must be cheating too".