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Am I a creep? Am I a weirdo?

thepikminman

What the hell am I doing here?

Seriously though, my problem is I'm at an age (23) where I'm questioning the way that I think.

I constantly analyze whatever person I'm talking to's reasons for saying whatever they're saying. I always find myself thinking "they must be saying that because..." whatever reason. I do it for my own thinking too.

And sometimes I try to write, music or novels, and I find it hard to actually write what I want because I'm always questioning my intentions and asking myself "why is it you're writing that?", usually arriving at negative reason.

Does everyone think like this or is it a problem? I find it so hard to just be in the conversation, without being critical about everything the other people say, or about what I'm saying.

Can someone give me a tip so I can just finally have an enjoyable conversation without judging myself or the other person?

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freshpopcorn

I think you've had a thread on here in the past week.
My advice to you is to try and get some career guidance to find out what you might like to do in your life.
Joining a group might help your self confidence and talking to a counselor might help you.

JackTaylorFan

thepikminman wrote: »

What the hell am I doing here?

Seriously though, my problem is I'm at an age (23) where I'm questioning the way that I think.

I constantly analyze whatever person I'm talking to's reasons for saying whatever they're saying. I always find myself thinking "they must be saying that because..." whatever reason. I do it for my own thinking too.

And sometimes I try to write, music or novels, and I find it hard to actually write what I want because I'm always questioning my intentions and asking myself "why is it you're writing that?", usually arriving at negative reason.

Does everyone think like this or is it a problem? I find it so hard to just be in the conversation, without being critical about everything the other people say, or about what I'm saying.

Can someone give me a tip so I can just finally have an enjoyable conversation without judging myself or the other person?

OP, it's good to be self analytical and filter ourselves at times - the best artists are usually their own worst critics too. It's why they don't turn out mediocre **** and think "yeah, that's good enough."

It's also not the worst trait to not always take people at their word - and a certain amount of cynicism is healthy - especially when confronted with wishy-washy "positive" thinkers or cult recruiters.

I would advise just smiling and nodding if you want to get on in life though. Most people don't like people who, seemingly, are constantly negative.

It may just be an in-built part of your personality to be skeptical - you sound quite introverted and perhaps you'll never be able to just go along with the happy clapping crowd. I suggest you learn to get comfortable with that reality and try not to get too frustrated by the rest of humanity. Most of us mean well. Promise

thepikminman

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I think you've had a thread on here in the past week.
My advice to you is to try and get some career guidance to find out what you might like to do in your life.
Joining a group might help your self confidence and talking to a counselor might help you.

Can you really not understand the concept of someone posting more than once in the same forum? Yes, I posted on here last week, but this is a completely different topic, nothing to do with career advice or self-confidence. It's very condescending of you to give life advice regarding a previous, irrelevant thread, completely ignoring my OP in this thread.

freshpopcorn

thepikminman wrote: »

Can you really not see past someone posting more than once in the same forum? Yes, I posted on here last week, but this is a completely different topic, nothing to do with career advice or self-confidence. It's very condescending of you to give life advice regarding a previous, irrelevant thread, completely ignoring my OP in this thread.

Well, my advice still stands.I think both of these things would help you.
Your lacking self confidence and I think getting some counselling or joining a group might help you.
To me when somebody is very critical of what their saying they can be lacking confidence and I gave you advice to help with this.

thepikminman wrote: »

Does everyone think like this or is it a problem? I find it so hard to just be in the conversation, without being critical about everything the other people say, or about what I'm saying.

Can someone give me a tip so I can just finally have an enjoyable conversation without judging myself or the other person?

JackTaylorFan

thepikminman wrote: »

Can you really not see past someone posting more than once in the same forum? Yes, I posted on here last week, but this is a completely different topic, nothing to do with career advice or self-confidence. It's very condescending of you to give life advice regarding a previous, irrelevant thread, completely ignoring my OP in this thread.

People on Boards handing-out advice on a completely unrelated matter - surely not

thepikminman

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Well, my advice still stands.I think both of these things would help you.
Your lacking self confidence and I think getting some counselling or joining a group might help you.
To me when somebody is very critical of what their saying they can be lacking confidence and I gave you advice to help with this.

I'm not lacking self-confidence in the slightest, I'm lacking social confidence, which is very different.

I just wanted to know if anyone else thought like how I said I thought in my OP, and if anyone had tips on how to engage in proper conversation if someone does think like this - I wasn't asking for an analysis on my personality, or for people to tell me I must have so many issues that I need professional help.

JackTaylorFan

thepikminman wrote: »

I'm not lacking self-confidence in the slightest, I'm lacking social confidence, which is very different.

I just wanted to know if anyone else thought like how I said I thought in my OP, and if anyone had tips on how to engage in proper conversation if someone does think like this - I wasn't asking for an analysis on my personality, or for people to tell me I must have so many issues that I need professional help.

Are you looking to find people like you? You're into writing and stuff - maybe try join a writers' group or something via meetup or similar. Sorry, that's the best I got.

Anyways, I do think the other user had good intentions, even though I'm not sure suggesting counseling was warranted in this case, at least from what I've read here.

freshpopcorn

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Are you looking to find people like you? You're into writing and stuff - maybe try join a writers' group or something via meetup or similar. Sorry, that's the best I got.

Anyways, I do think the other user had good intentions, even though I'm not sure suggesting counseling was warranted in this case, at least from what I've read here.

I suggested counselling because the OP wanted help to stop being so critical of what they were saying or what others were saying. I thought by seeing somebody they'd be professional and could offer the OP advice.

evolving_doors

You're seeking perfection... that's a good thing.

But share your work and be open to criticism..and defending your thoughts. that way you'll progress.

Worrying about what others think and what they mean by certain things will wreck your head. Just take it on face value and know you can always accept or reject what they say. You've done nothing wrong to warrant other people making you feel bad.

It'd be worse if you just thought you were the shnizz and always the best.

Edit: I think there's a writers corner somewhere on boards. They're a decent bunch and probably similar to yourself.

JackTaylorFan

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I suggested counselling because the OP wanted help to stop being so critical of what they were saying or what others were saying. I thought by seeing somebody they'd be professional and could offer the OP advice.

No, I actually do get that - but I'm not sure OP wants to go down that route - and I honestly have no idea how deeply the negativity is really affecting her or him from just one passage of text.

I actually don't think it's healthy to constantly be looking for the reasons behind what people are saying to you, though.

OP, what is it exactly you are looking for when you analyse other people in conversation? Is it a case you are looking to see if they match your level of intellect? Or is there something more to it, like you think they have ulterior motives for everything they say? And is it absolutely everybody you encounter you feel the need to do this to? As I said, a little bit of cynicism is good but I mean if it's every single time.

Wesser

See already in in post 4 and in post 7 you are falling in to your pattern of over analysing defensiveness and aggression. Your starting it again even though in your last thread you said you'd try hard not to!!

JackTaylorFan

Wesser wrote: »

See already in in post 4 and in post 7 you are falling in to your pattern of over analysing defensiveness and aggression. Your starting it again even though in your last thread you said you'd try hard not to!!

I don't think your comment here helps, to be honest. You're just adding fuel

Nichololas

thepikminman wrote: »

I'm not lacking self-confidence in the slightest, I'm lacking social confidence, which is very different.

It's not really different at all, though, is it. If you can't hit happily by yourself working on something you yourself want to do, then how can you reflect that to other people in social situations? Do you not see how there might be a link between the over analysis and negative reasoning that occurs when you sit down to write, and the over analysis and criticism that occurs when you have a conversation with someone?

Can someone give me a tip so I can just finally have an enjoyable conversation without judging myself or the other person?

What kind of tip are you looking for? You can't magic a nice conversation, and being less critical and judgemental isn't the kind of thing that a "make sure you're wearing a nice sweater" type tip is going to help.

Big Bag of Chips

thepikminman wrote: »

Yes, I posted on here last week, but this is a completely different topic

But it's not really. Your last post started as being career advice, and very quickly turned to you attacking posters and personally insulting them, all because you believed they were saying negative things to you. Which they weren't. But, as you admit here, you immediately jumped to the defensive and started analysing why people were saying such-and-such and you came back with some seriously skewed perspective. In that thread you were advised to join a debating society or public speaking group to help you learn that not all discussion and disagreement has to be negative or argumentative.

Counselling might help. Many counsellors now are trained in CBT practices and might be able to help you retrain how you think.

And just so you know, the moderators here don't actually like people starting multiple threads in quick succession on a variety of different issues. If they see a poster doing so, they believe that the poster may have more going on than the PI forum can help them with and they'd be better seeking help and advice from a professional person who can try help piece everything together.

Exeggcute

Stop listening to Radiohead for a start.

JackTaylorFan

Exeggcute wrote: »

Stop listening to Radiohead for a start.

This is wiser than an old man walking around with myrrh in his front pocket.

Tokyo

Mod:

JackTaylorFan - quit the running commentary on other people's responses, and post towards the OP's issue. Thank you.

[Deleted User]

Yea, OP. I'm not familiar with your other posts, but I also have to agree with what others are saying.. Counseling is a viable option for you. And it's vitally important that you actually listen to what is being said by these people and that you don't react like you're reacting here, because that's not how you get help and it's not how you go about solving an issue.

You do suffer from self confidence and social confidence. They're both intertwined and if you were confident in yourself, then the issues you're discussing here won't be as bad.

Ursus Horribilis

I've read/replied to your other posts. Really, your last 3 are all variations of the same thing. You've said elsewhere that you're 23 and have no friends. That half your own family dislike you. Going on what you've posted here, that doesn't surprise me. Without seeing the way you interact with other people and what your general demeanour is, it's hard to give specific advice. It does appear that there is something "off" about the way you go about the place and interact with people.

You also appear to have trouble with the niceties of everyday social interaction. You describe yourself as nice and polite. Is there nothing more you can say about the interactions you're having other than "polite"? Polite is the least anyone should expect but it's incredibly robotic in its own right. If any one of us got chatting to a random stranger and was asked to describe them, I doubt polite would ever come into the equation. How about funny, interesting, warm, quirky or intelligent?

You're also struggling with the idea of "a filter". It's the thing most of us use without noticing it. As humans, we all think both good and bad thoughts about the people we meet and things we see. Most of us have an innate empathy with the other person and keep our negative opinions to ourselves. Words can really hurt and most of us are careful if we need to say something. For example, if you're working in an office and someone has wicked body odour, that needs to be handled sensitively.

It's very easy to espouse theories about things when you know nothing about them. If I started going on about the life of a scientist or a fashion model, you can bet your bottom dollar I'd be mostly talking nonsense because I know very little about either. I've an idea what they do but mostly I'd be filling in the gaps. Because you've a difficulty relating to people outside your family, you don't know how everyday human interactions work. You've a very negative opinion of people and the way they operate, based on limited material. A certain percentage of people you'll meet are dicks but it's certainly not 90%. Maybe you're unconsciously graduating towards the dicks and it's reinforcing your theory.

You've had a poor experience with counsellors up until now. How did you find them in the first place? Were they properly qualified rather than a 6 weeks FÁS course type of counselor? Did you go through your GP to find them?

Big Bag of Chips

I'd also question your experiences with counsellors. What was the specific problem with each of them? The counsellor you mentioned in your previous thread who got up and said "I don't have time for this..." What was being said, by you, before that? I ask because you came here asking advice and very very quickly turned to being aggressive and rude to the people who offered you advice. Were you the same with counsellors?

From what you've posted in your other thread, you've had a tough upbringing. Many people have. And many people get stuck in the mind-frame that the world is against them. Nobody can be trusted. Everyone is looking down on them or trying to keep them down. Some people realise that that is not necessarily true and they try to get out. Get out of the area, get away from the negativity of the people they are surrounded by. Those people might have a better overall attitude to the world and not be quite so affected by the negativity they grew up in.

Some people have a negative attitude and a negative impression of the world... And don't know any different so just continue with it. You seem to realise that it is not 'normal' and your impression of the world and the people you meet is skewed. You are conflicted in that you know you're wrong, but you've been conditioned to believe it is true. So you're struggling to move on from it, even though you really really want to.

Honestly, OP, there's no quick solution. There's no easy fix. You are going to have to work through this yourself. If you go to counselling you are going to have to be vulnerable to the counsellor. You are going to have to hear things and face things that might make you feel uncomfortable, or upset, but you have to get through that. Without turning aggressive on the counsellor! You're so young, so at least you have the benefit of youth and time on your side. You have so many opportunities available to you to broaden your social circle. Move area. Move job. Move country even.

But as I read here one time 'wherever you go, there you are'. Which means you are the person you are. So if you move to Mayo you're still going to be you. It won't be a magic over night cure. You have a lot of work to do on yourself if you really do want to change. Nobody can fix you for you.

Edit: Would you consider volunteering in your area? You did engineering in college. You could volunteer with some groups in your area to share your skills and to see that there are good people in the world. There are people who will help and encourage those around them. There are people who go out of their way to be a positive influence in someone else's life. You might go there as a volunteer, but I think you would gain as much benefit from it as the people availing of the services. Look into it. If there's a community centre in your area go and ask who you could get in touch with or what help you might be able to offer.

Ursus Horribilis

Going back to your thread of last weekend. You were given advice and told things you didn't like. So what did you do? You went looking for the rudest, most provocative things you could think of and flung them back at the people who'd been trying to help you. If you'd said those things to my face in real life, chances are I'd have lost the rag and been equally horrible back. Thus reinforcing your theory that people are dicks.

If you're horrible to people, then you're going to bring out the worst in them. Just like boards does to you when you don't read advice you like. You're as easy to wind up as one of those kids toys. Sarcasm, snarky comments, spiteful remarks and temper tantrums seem to be a big part of your behaviour here. If that's a reflection of how you behave in real life, then you are your own worst enemy.

The question is, do you want to change? There is no magic pill you can take to solve your issues. There is help out there and a lot you can do to help yourself. But you've got to want to change and to step outside your comfort zone. If you turn on people, then they're not going to want to help you. Would you blame them?

thepikminman

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But it's not really. Your last post started as being career advice, and very quickly turned to you attacking posters and personally insulting them, all because you believed they were saying negative things to you. Which they weren't. But, as you admit here, you immediately jumped to the defensive and started analysing why people were saying such-and-such and you came back with some seriously skewed perspective. In that thread you were advised to join a debating society or public speaking group to help you learn that not all discussion and disagreement has to be negative or argumentative.

Counselling might help. Many counsellors now are trained in CBT practices and might be able to help you retrain how you think.

And just so you know, the moderators here don't actually like people starting multiple threads in quick succession on a variety of different issues. If they see a poster doing so, they believe that the poster may have more going on than the PI forum can help them with and they'd be better seeking help and advice from a professional person who can try help piece everything together.

Whether I'm over-analyzing people's replys or not, this thread IS completely different to the other ones, the first one was about career advice, the second one was about the difference between real-life and online behavior - this one's about me wondering if people over-analyze the way I do so I can see if it's a problem.

My reason for this thread was BECAUSE of the response I got from the other threads, I listened to what you guys said and thought "maybe they have a point", and I questioned my own way of thinking and started this thread.

I didn't expect all of the same people to reply in this thread. I was hoping new people would just tell me if they think like that or not and if they have any tips. You guys seem to be the defensive ones now, I'm not doing anything wrong, you seem to be looking for ways to put me down now, which is typical, and exactly what happens to me in real life - I show a bit of vulnerability then immediately my intentions are questioned and less respected.

And I don't see why boards would have a problem with someone starting new threads if they getting so many responses - every website likes more activity. I don't have a medial problem, I've been to the doctor (and my brother doctor) and they don't think I need any help.

Ursus Horribilis

So if you don't think you're doing anything wrong, how come you've made it to 23 without a friend in the world?

thepikminman

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

OP, what is it exactly you are looking for when you analyse other people in conversation? Is it a case you are looking to see if they match your level of intellect? Or is there something more to it, like you think they have ulterior motives for everything they say? And is it absolutely everybody you encounter you feel the need to do this to? As I said, a little bit of cynicism is good but I mean if it's every single time.

Well I'm hoping they're like-minded, but that's not what I'm analyzing. It's usually a dominance thing like "they said it like that because they want to be in charge" or something like "they're trying to be cool" or stuff like that, just judgement really. But I'm thinking maybe people don't do that at all and they just focus on the conversation.

Yeah it's with every person, basically all the time. Sometimes, rarely, after talking for a bit being into the conversation I'd think "wow, for the last 20 seconds I was just thinking about the conversation, nothing else, why can't it always be like that?"

Big Bag of Chips

thepikminman wrote: »

You guys seem to be the defensive ones now, I'm not doing anything wrong, you seem to be looking for ways to put me down now, which is typical, and exactly what happens to me in real life

I've posted two replies on this thread. Please highlight to me where I have put you down and we can discuss if I actually put you down or if you think I have put you down.

From there then others can comment whether or not I have in fact put you down, or you are being over analytical and looking for negatives where there are none.

thepikminman

Wesser wrote: »

See already in in post 4 and in post 7 you are falling in to your pattern of over analysing defensiveness and aggression. Your starting it again even though in your last thread you said you'd try hard not to!!

Ok, thanks for the pointer - not my point though- I'm asking if you guys think like that, not whether or not I do, I already know I do

Big Bag of Chips

No. I don't. Most people don't. Some people do.

So, how does that help you?

thepikminman

Deleted User wrote: »

Yea, OP. I'm not familiar with your other posts, but I also have to agree with what others are saying.. Counseling is a viable option for you. And it's vitally important that you actually listen to what is being said by these people and that you don't react like you're reacting here, because that's not how you get help and it's not how you go about solving an issue.

You do suffer from self confidence and social confidence. They're both intertwined and if you were confident in yourself, then the issues you're discussing here won't be as bad.

They're not intertwined for me. I have confidence in myself, it's people I don't have confidence in.

So I try to alter myself to fit in with their strange, shallow way of thinking, but I'm not the best actor, and feel like they can see I don't belong.

thepikminman

mike_ie wrote: »

Mod:

JackTaylorFan - quit the running commentary on other people's responses, and post towards the OP's issue. Thank you.

He/she was pointing out people's unhelpful responses, something YOU should have been doing.

Big Bag of Chips

To add, boards.ie, and PI moderators don't like the same people repeatedly posting various problems and ignoring all advice given to them because that in turn turns other posters off replying and can in fact drive posters away from the site because they get sick of repeating themselves to the same people who don't really want help, or maybe can't be helped. So they avoid it rather than risk annoying themselves.