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Child Item

I don't like my girlfriends tattoos

johnnyw20

Not really sure this is the right forum or not for this

I've been going out with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now and we have spoken in the past about how I don't like tattoos and she also told me she didn't think she would ever get one and that if she did, it would only be a little heart on her wrist

About 6 weeks ago she text me one afternoon saying herself and her friend were going looking at tattoos. I said that was fine and I didn't really pay much attention to it as I was really busy with work that day and my mind was focused on work

She then text me saying she was booked in to get a tattoo an hour later for a heart on her wrist. I told her that was ok as it is her body and it is tiny

She went and got the tattoo but she also got an anchor tattoo on her ankle at the same time. ever since she has gotten the tattoos, I've hated them. I can't look past them and don't know what to do about it. It's starting to affect the way I feel about her now

I don't mind the wrist tattoo but I cringe every time I see the ankle one. Would I be wrong to ask her if she would consider getting it removed? She even told me last week she regrets the tattoos

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54and56

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Ok but if he felt so strong about it then why did he say it was ok....twice? Being busy isn't an excuse, he was able to reply to say it's ok twice but then when she has them he isn't?

Hard to argue with that all right. He could easily have kicked for touch and said, particularly the second time when she went from going looking at tattoo's (which is hard to have an objection to as the end result may be like a lot of window shopping and nothing is purchased) to booking in for one. all he had to say was "I'd really like to discuss this before you go ahead with it, would you mind postponing the appointment until after we discuss it tonight?"

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Sounds to me like op is just looking for an excuse to end the relationship.

Possibly and/or it also sounds to me like the OP's GF is sending him the same signal.

leggo

Je_suis_Jean wrote: »

Complete BS. As partners you share each others lives. Your body is not an independent element which the other person has no interest in. It is in fact a very important element in a healthy sexual relationship so you absolutely have an interest in your partners body. If they do something which they know in advance will be received negatively by you they are overtly or subliminally sending you a clear message. How you react to that message is up to you.

BTW, if I put on a few stone and my wife ceases to find me sexually attractive she can indeed tell me how she feels and if I want to repair the relationship I can decide to get off my ar$e, do some exercise and stop eating takeaways in order to lose the extra weight I temporarily gained. You can't do that with something like a tattoo. It's permanent so once it's done it's a bit late to be having the chat about how your other half feels about it. The time for doing that in a respectful loving relationship is before you get the tattoo not afterwards.

And this is complete BS, in the literal sense, because you're saying one thing while meaning another. You seem to be dancing around wanting to be able to control another person's life. 'Sharing' in this instance means 'do what I want' and 'having an interest' seems to mean 'this is mine to dictate'. Dress it up flowery if you like, it all boils down to the same thing. You've no right to tell someone else what to do. Partners aren't with you because they're looking for someone to tell them what to wear, how to dress, how to keep their bodies etc.

For the third time I'll say it: the only thing you do have a right to decide is if you, as an independent person capable of thinking for yourself, want to still be with this other independent person. That's your option.

lifeandtimes

Je_suis_Jean wrote: »

Complete BS. As partners you share each others lives. Your body is not an independent element which the other person has no interest in. It is in fact a very important element in a healthy sexual relationship so you absolutely have an interest in your partners body. If they do something which they know in advance will be received negatively by you they are overtly or subliminally sending you a clear message. How you react to that message is up to you.

BTW, if I put on a few stone and my wife ceases to find me sexually attractive she can indeed tell me how she feels and if I want to repair the relationship I can decide to get off my ar$e, do some exercise and stop eating takeaways in order to lose the extra weight I temporarily gained. You can't do that with something like a tattoo. It's permanent so once it's done it's a bit late to be having the chat about how your other half feels about it. The time for doing that in a respectful loving relationship is before you get the tattoo not afterwards.

Ok but if he felt so strong about it then why did he say it was ok....twice? Being busy isn't an excuse, he was able to reply to say it's ok twice but then when she has them he isn't?
Sounds to me like op is just looking for an excuse to end the relationship.

54and56

leggo wrote: »

And in that case your wife's choice would be whether she wants to stay with you or not, in which she has to accept you if she does. At best she can state how your letting yourself go makes her feel and you can choose to respond to it or not based on that, but she has no right to pressure or force you to change who you are or what you do with your body, even in a marriage. That's when the line is crossed into controlling territory. We're all independent people still with a right to that independence, irrespective of any partnerships we've agreed to. And the only person you ever have any kind of control or authority over on this planet (except for young children obviously) is yourself.

The only time you get to have a say with a partner, and even then it's limited how much you can do, is if they're engaging in behaviour that's damaging to themselves, you, others or the family as a unit. Tattoos don't count.

Complete BS. As partners you share each others lives. Your body is not an independent element which the other person has no interest in. It is in fact a very important element in a healthy sexual relationship so you absolutely have an interest in your partners body. If they do something which they know in advance will be received negatively by you they are overtly or subliminally sending you a clear message. How you react to that message is up to you.

BTW, if I put on a few stone and my wife ceases to find me sexually attractive she can indeed tell me how she feels and if I want to repair the relationship I can decide to get off my ar$e, do some exercise and stop eating takeaways in order to lose the extra weight I temporarily gained. You can't do that with something like a tattoo. It's permanent so once it's done it's a bit late to be having the chat about how your other half feels about it. The time for doing that in a respectful loving relationship is before you get the tattoo not afterwards.

leggo

Je_suis_Jean wrote: »

The argument that it's your body and what you do with it is none of your partners business is totally bogus. If I let myself go via poor diet, no exercise etc and ballooned in weight terms it wouldn't be surprising if my wife no longer found me attractive and our relationship suffered. As a bloke I feel some obligation to remain attractive to my wife. If I went out of my way to do something which I knew in advance made me less attractive to her I wouldn't be surprised if she reacted negatively.

And in that case your wife's choice would be whether she wants to stay with you or not, in which she has to accept you if she does. At best she can state how your letting yourself go makes her feel and you can choose to respond to it or not based on that, but she has no right to pressure or force you to change who you are or what you do with your body, even in a marriage. That's when the line is crossed into controlling territory. We're all independent people still with a right to that independence, irrespective of any partnerships we've agreed to. And the only person you ever have any kind of control or authority over on this planet (except for young children obviously) is yourself.

The only time you get to have a say with a partner, and even then it's limited how much you can do, is if they're engaging in behaviour that's damaging to themselves, you, others or the family as a unit. Tattoos don't count.

54and56

You've had a relationship with your GF for two years during which time she got to know how much you dislike tattoos. She goes and gets two tattoos.

She either put no thought whatsoever ref the impact on your relationship into getting them or didn't care. Either way you are well within your right to review whether this is the right relationship for you to be in.

IMHO relationships are partnerships based on a number of things which includes taking the other persons feelings into consideration when doing something, particularity something as permanent as a tattoo. The argument that it's your body and what you do with it is none of your partners business is totally bogus. If I let myself go via poor diet, no exercise etc and ballooned in weight terms it wouldn't be surprising if my wife no longer found me attractive and our relationship suffered. As a bloke I feel some obligation to remain attractive to my wife. If I went out of my way to do something which I knew in advance made me less attractive to her I wouldn't be surprised if she reacted negatively.

leggo

Are you willing to break up with her over this? You're allowed to be with and not with whoever you want, after all. She may be upset initially, yes, but she'll get over it handy enough when it kicks in that she was with someone who was willing to end a two-year relationship because of small tattoos and because they felt they had a say in what she does and doesn't do with her body.

If not, then you need to get over it. It's her body, not yours, she's allowed make any decision she wants with it. Beginning, middle and end of story.

That's all it comes down to. If you're not willing to end it, suck it up and accept your girlfriend for who she is and accept that you don't get any say in that.

[Deleted User]

I have hidden/discrete tattoos. To the point where I forget I have them. Always wanted tattoos, but the fact is that employers often don't like them and I was future proofing myself as opposed to being ashamed of them.

OP, something I would query is whether she actually regrets them or she feels that way because she knows you don't like tattoos. If your disgust oozes out here as much as it does in your relationship, then I'm sure you've made it really tough for her.

bee06

amtc wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't have one. I don't have any view really about them in relationships but I do question why people have small hidden ones if they are that proud of them.

I have two "hidden" tattoos, one small, one bigger. They aren't hidden because I'm not proud of them, they are hidden because to me, they are to mark personal experiences I've been through. They are for me and I don't care what anyone thinks of them.

My husband doesn't like tattoos in general and I don't think he would ever have imagined going out with someone with tattoos before he met me. I am thinking of getting another and he has said he doesn't understand why and I think he'd prefer if I didn't but he will support me if I did. A tattoo doesn't change the person I am, no more than it has changed your girlfriend OP. It seems pretty sad to throw away a 2 year relationship because she got two small tattoos.

lifeandtimes

amtc wrote: »

I do question why people have small hidden ones if they are that proud of them.

Because of employers with the same view id say,runs the risk of not being employed if they are visible. Many people are proud of things but dont shout about it like gun enthusiasts etc

lifeandtimes

Sounds to me she regrets them now because of your attitude towards them after being supportive, she told you twice and both times you said you were fine(being busy at work and not paying attention is your way of deflecting responsibility from the matter) and now you cringe about them, no doubt shed picked up on it and that's why she's said it.

A mark on the body is exactly what it is just a mark on the body,intentional or not, would you still feel the same if she had a birth mark or was to (knock on wood) be horribly scared in the future?

Our other halves do things we don't like sometimes but that's the thing it's about give and take.

Have these tattoos changed her? I doubt it and she should still be the same woman to you with your eyes open or closed looking at her.

In my opinion you need to grow up,a tattoo is just a tattoo, she told you twice and you said it was ok and now both of you have to live with her decision

amtc

If she doesn't like it perhaps you could gently probe if she would like to get it removed?

It's a long process and risky doing so soon after it being done as you're effectively damaging the skin twice in a short time.

I went with a friend to a consultation on this. Hers was a worse story as she had a symbol put on her back but fainted three times in two visits when the tattooist went to fill it in. No other one would finish it. Anyway years later she'd ignored it as it was on the top part of her back. Until she tried on her dream wedding dress. It took an awful lot of camouflage makeup.

Personally I wouldn't have one. I don't have any view really about them in relationships but I do question why people have small hidden ones if they are that proud of them.

Ursus Horribilis

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Why don't you suggest she gets it removed then? It sounds like neither of you like it. It's a long and expensive process though.

^^ This. But be nice about it. Being supportive and encouraging is the way to go here. If she regrets having the tattoo(s) done, then she's not going to be feeling too good about herself.

Teyla Emmagan

johnnyw20 wrote:

I don't mind the wrist tattoo but I cringe every time I see the ankle one. Would I be wrong to ask her if she would consider getting it removed? She even told me last week she regrets the tattoos

Why don't you suggest she gets it removed then? It sounds like neither of you like it. It's a long and expensive process though.

Rachiee

If you are in this relationship for the long hall its worth remembering that your girlfriends body will undergo many changes over the years which may be unattractive to you, she'll age, sag, stretch
If you love her you'll see past them, if you dont love her after 2 years when will you?

The Raptor

You might not like the tattoo but this girl has already said that she has regret over getting it and she's the one that has to live with it for the rest of her life. How about supporting her instead of putting her down?

LegacyUser

Tattoos are a bit of an irrational deal breaker for me too. I don't know why, but I hate them, and that's probably understating it. It's not something I'm going to change my mind on and is something I would act on. Even back in my dating days the first sight of a tat and I'd be gone, but they weren't as common / prevalent then. I'm just repulsed by them.

Funny thing is that if it ever comes up in conversation I'm the one that's in the wrong. If asked my opinion on a piece of body art I'll give it, eg. What do you think of this? Eh, it's not to my taste, I'm not into tattoos, it's like your saying you are meat eater to a vegan to some people. but i have never offered without being asked. In my opinion each to their own. But with choice come consequences, don't expect everyone to love what you love. Often the thing with these things is the ones that exercise their free choice to be or do something never recognise that others have the choice not to agree with or love the same thing.

So OP, if I were in your shoes I'd be gone, I don't know why but I feel that deeply about it. I would not expect to be understood or even expect them to remove the tat. Each to their own and that's a 2 way street.

Star Lord

This is more a relationship issues type thread, I'll move it over there.

Please be aware that the Relationship Issues charter will now apply.
If you're not familiar with it, please go read it before posting.

XxMCRxBabyxX

johnnyw20 wrote: »

as it is her body

Exactly

the_pen_turner

i dont think you have any right to ask her tor remove them . its her body

but this is a deal breaker to you. i hate tattos aswell and i am ashamed to say it might make me rethink a relationship if my GF got some.

you need to sit down and think about your retationship and see if you can get past this.
then sit down and ask your gf if she honestly wants it removed or if she is doing it for you.

me_irl

More of a Personal Issue than anything (there's a forum for that).

I think you need to ask yourself why you can't see past the tattoos and why they bug you so much, even though it's not actually a bearing on the person you're with. Their personality is still the same, but they've a drawing that you dislike on them.

I'll warn you now don't try to impose your own dislikes on your other half. That's a form of control and not a healthy relationship to have.

Atari Jaguar

OP,

1. Get a grip. You said you cringe when you see the tattoo, I was cringing reading your posts.

2. Yes you would be wrong to ask her to get laser removal. It's an expensive and painful procedure because you dont like the tattoos? They have nothing to do with you, it's her body her choice. You need to cop on to be blunt about it. If your girlfriend of 2 years is less attractive to you because of tattoos then you really need to do some growing up. You don't have to like tattoos & that's your choice but to even think it was fair to ask her to have them removed is just infuriating. I'd take a guess and imagine she said she regrets them because you're attitude no doubt has changed. Just grow up, to be honest is all I can say. If you love someone you should be able to look past such trivial things. She shouldn't have to worry about expressing herself through tattoos and piercings for fear of upsetting you. Unless it was something like a massive tattoo that said "I LIKE COCK SHOW ME YOUR COCK PLS" I can't agree with you asking her to remove it.