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Broke up with my boyfriend in moment of madness and now unable to contact him - how d

law_lady

My boyfriend (30) and I (29) have been together over a year and I adore him, we are about to move in together. However, we have some issues. He often talks about his ex (who he broke up with in 2013) in a way that makes me uncomfortable and upset, even mentioning their sex life a few times (not in a crude way, more without thinking). They meet up occasionally still as friends - she is in a new relationship.
At first I tried to be ok with her being in his life and hearing about her but I have developed a complex over time to the point where I get a physical reaction when he talks about her and have asked him to stop as it hurts me but he still does it (usually without thinking). Basically she came up again yesterday (I found out that he won't let us look at flats in the area she lives) on the phone, I got upset and he then got flustered and called me by her name when he tried to talk to me.
I hung up and sent a series of messages in the heat of the moment telling him it was over repeatedly and telling him he has issues with this girl and is really hurting me. He kept telling me he never loved her but I was too far gone to stop and calm down. It culminated in me saying I never wanted to see him again and him saying he doesn't want to see me either as he can never be friends with the person he loves.
I immediately regretted my outburst and have tried calling, texting, emailing but he seems to have blocked my number and deleted his social media. What do I do to fix this? He lives at home with his parents - do I show up on his doorstep tonight begging forgiveness or is that insane? What do I say to make him realise this was about my own insecurities and not about him and that I'll never hurt him like that again?
Is there any hope for me to salvage this relationship? I love him so much, I just have been hurt so much in the past that I think I was sabotaging myself as a pre-emptive move before he could dump me and hurt me again, even though he never suggested he wanted to do so.
Any opinions or advice so so appreciated. Thank you.

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Big Bag of Chips

I think you could turn up and see him and try to explain to him. But.. If you do that then you are going to have to work on what caused the problem in the first place. If she truly is just a friend, then there shouldn't be a problem with him talking about her. Same as there shouldn't be a problem mentioning any of his other friends. Maybe he doesn't want to live in her area because of how you feel about her? Maybe there are some lingering feelings there and your gut is telling you something isn't quite right. Nobody here knows the context.

But, all that aside, if you truly want to get back with him then something is going to have to change. Because if it doesn't, what's the point?

LegacyUser

The breakup may have been handled badly, rashly, but to be honest it's not without reason. He is clearly not over his ex and not at all ready for being in another relationship. Meeting up "as friends" is nonsense, he knows it hurts you and if he valued you and your feelings, he'd stop. He's meeting her hoping to rekindle something or hoping she tries to, she's on his mind, he wants something from those meetings and it's not friendship.

To be brutally honest with you, his reaction of saying he could never be friends with the person he loves is nonsense in that context and he is probably relieved, you've saved him breaking up with you.

As bad as you feel today, this breakup is a good thing, he didn't value you. Tough out the next few days and it will start to get better.

Bandana boy

I would not turn up tonight as things are probably still raw and more words could be exchanged that would be hard to come back from

Give it till tomorrow and see if he unblocks your phone and ask him to meet you for a coffee. If your still blocked I would jot it down and post a letter .

Bandana boy

Emme

OP don't turn up at his place. Leave things for a few days. I would leave it until after the weekend to try and contact him but do you really want to be with somebody who makes you feel like second best?

He called you by his ex's name during a row - that's a red flag to me even though she's in a new relationship. Has he called you by her name before? They are split up nearly 4 years now, he was in a relationship with you for a year but she seems to be very much on his mind still. Again do you really want to be with somebody who makes you feel second best?

If he really values you he might approach you after a few days. If not think again about whether you want to try and contact him or if you might be better off cutting your losses and moving on.

law_lady

Thank you all for the replies. I ended up emailing him from my work account this morning offering to come out to his house tonight. He eventually emailed back telling me not to, that he needs space to think and feel and will message me when he's had that. He also told me not to say things I didn't mean as next time he won't stop me. I'm really not sure what all of that means - that he needs time but will forgive me or that he's still making his mind up. Either way I'll give him the space he's asked for and I have only myself to blame if he wants to stick by the decision I foolishly made to say we should end it.

On the ex, he claims they were very bad for each other and there was a lot of negative energy in the relationship. He has also said many times that what we have is real whereas they never loved each other really. I think I do believe him. He's never called me by her name before, I think I flustered him badly at the time, although it did sting to hear. He's also friends with other exes and is generally a very affable person who doesn't hold grudges (except, possibly, this time towards me), plus they work in the arts so they help each other with work I can't help him with. It's not really so much that I worry he still loves her. It's more that if he really loved me would he not see how hurt I am by her presence and respect my feelings more?

Overall, I suppose the ball is in his court now. I can't end things, I'd die to lose him. I love him too much. Please cross your fingers for me that he will forgive me and that we can move on. I will never respond in the heat of an angry moment again.

Scarinae

law_lady wrote: »

I hung up and sent a series of messages in the heat of the moment telling him it was over repeatedly and telling him he has issues with this girl and is really hurting me. He kept telling me he never loved her but I was too far gone to stop and calm down. It culminated in me saying I never wanted to see him again

Did you mean it when you said it was over, or were you hoping that it would prompt him to tell you that you were the most important person in his life and that he was going to cut off contact with his ex?

I understand what a pain in the ass it is being with someone who isn't over their ex. I do believe that people can be friends with their exes, but if he's talking about her in ways that make you feel uncomfortable, talking about their sex life and calling you by her name then there is definitely something weird going on there (especially since they've been broken up for years). You said he's friends with other exes and you don't seem to have a problem with any of them, so while you may have insecurities I don't think that he is blameless here either. Like Emme said, do you want to be with someone who makes you feel second best?

leggo

OP, do you suffer from anxiety, like have you been diagnosed for it or has it come up before? Sorry, I know this is side-tracking, but when you say you started to have physical reactions and reading how quickly a situation escalated beyond your control it popped into my mind. Nothing wrong with it, I get a bit of it myself, just may be worth looking into to avoid situations escalating like this in future.

As far as the issue itself: in a weird way, I don't see much of a problem that needs to be fixed here, as hard as it may be for you right now. You brought a situation to a head - maybe in not the best way (break-ups shouldn't be taken lightly or done in a fit of rage), but nonetheless. Whatever the outcome, it's better than moving in with someone and it coming to a head then. I don't necessarily agree with the above poster who said he's definitely not over her etc, we don't know enough to say that, but his behaviour is weird. In my opinion, if your current partner is clearly uncomfortable with you being your friends with an ex and you're committed enough to them, you should make the difficult call, if all other avenues have been exhausted, and respect your current relationship. And it's just common sense that it's disrespectful to bring up specifics of your sex life with a previous partner around a new one!

The truth here is that time will tell on all fronts. If he really is committed to this, he'll make it right (in all aspects - including the ex). If he finishes it over this, then you'll know your gut was telling you something accurate. I have a feeling you're going to get left in limbo, though, as you're too invested to go in making any serious demands and he'll take you back with the moral high ground that he now can hang around with and talk about the ex.

retro:electro

law_lady wrote: »

Thank you all for the replies. I ended up emailing him from my work account this morning offering to come out to his house tonight. He eventually emailed back telling me not to, that he needs space to think and feel and will message me when he's had that. He also told me not to say things I didn't mean as next time he won't stop me. I'm really not sure what all of that means - that he needs time but will forgive me or that he's still making his mind up. Either way I'll give him the space he's asked for and I have only myself to blame if he wants to stick by the decision I foolishly made to say we should end it.

On the ex, he claims they were very bad for each other and there was a lot of negative energy in the relationship. He has also said many times that what we have is real whereas they never loved each other really. I think I do believe him. He's never called me by her name before, I think I flustered him badly at the time, although it did sting to hear. He's also friends with other exes and is generally a very affable person who doesn't hold grudges (except, possibly, this time towards me), plus they work in the arts so they help each other with work I can't help him with. It's not really so much that I worry he still loves her. It's more that if he really loved me would he not see how hurt I am by her presence and respect my feelings more?

Overall, I suppose the ball is in his court now. I can't end things, I'd die to lose him. I love him too much. Please cross your fingers for me that he will forgive me and that we can move on. I will never respond in the heat of an angry moment again.

Okay. This is a bit intense- you need to calm down. The last thing you should do is go begging him to take you back and claim you're so sorry you were totally wrong. You clearly still have issues and are the ex causes you discomfort- by begging him to take you back you're giving him the impression that you never meant what you said about her and he will continue to do as he pleases.
Please don't beg him, don't contact him again- he'll contact you when he's ready.

law_lady

Thanks again for the replies, this is helping get my head straight. I haven't contacted him since and was left in limbo last night but I expected that and I got a night's sleep which helped as I was in bits at work yesterday after a sleepless night.

I'm now backtracking on what I felt when I emailed him yesterday. I completely agree with the poster who said it looks like he will leave me in limbo then take me back on the moral high ground and continue the behaviour that was hurting me. And while I'm still scared of losing him because I do still love him, I'm also scared of not having the self respect to stand up for myself. Yes I was rash to actually say it was over, but the issue leading to that point is real and valid and if he doesn't stop then maybe I do need to be brave and leave him. I regret being so pathetic yesterday now and begging forgiveness as I've given him too much credit when he also has plenty to be sorry about.

I don't know whether to wait for him to contact me and have it out with him then, or whether to initiate contact and say what I need to say on my time line. I'm afraid if I do the latter I'll panic and be rash again without giving him a chance to redeem himself.

I do suffer from anxiety by the way, and I have several other stresses in my life at the moment including a sick mother and a 70 hour a week job so I have a lot on my plate which I think made me overwhelmed and made me flip easier. He is very busy and his career is thankless at times and demanding, but he doesn't seem good at appreciating that he's not the only one who suffers from business and stress.

elefant

Just on the issue of him calling you by his ex's name:

You mention he said they were bad for each other; it's quite likely they argued a lot.
He has only called you by her name, once, while you were arguing.

I would say it could quite likely have been something of a memory-reflex. So, not that she was on his mind, but it's just so happened that in situations in the past where he has repeatedly had arguments about his relationship, he has said her name, and that came out again in front of you.

[Deleted User]

It kind of feels like right now you're making him the source of all the negativity & I don't think that he is trying any sort of moral high ground tactic.

If he was indeed in a really bad relationship with somebody, who was heated and had frequent arguments over, then he is probably taking the time to get his head straight. Let's be honest here, from what you described you (and I'm certain we're only hearing 10% of what actually was said), you totally flipped out over the phone and then in a series of text messages, in which you said it was over multiple times.

Someone that was in a tough relationship previously would look at this overreaction as a really big red flag and would need to make sure that this relationship won't go the same way as the last.

And it does feel like an overreaction.. Sure, it sucks that he mentions his ex, but it feels like he's not doing it out of spite. If anything, it feels like he's talking about his friend.

OP, you need to examine why you freaked out so much and why you had such a big problem with exes being discussed. Anxiety? Jealousy?

Sono

If my missus knew I met up with my ex I'm pretty sure she would tell me where to go and she would be completely within her rights to do so. If you do get back together OP that needs to be cut out and for good. You can't stay friends with an ex imo

Emme

law_lady wrote: »

I don't know whether to wait for him to contact me and have it out with him then, or whether to initiate contact and say what I need to say on my time line.

For the sake of your self-respect DO NOT INITIATE CONTACT. Leave it up to him. If he doesn't contact you again it will show that he didn't really care for you and you were within your rights to end the relationship.

law_lady wrote: »

I'm afraid if I do the latter I'll panic and be rash again without giving him a chance to redeem himself.

Exactly. Give him a chance to redeem himself. If he doesn't redeem himself then you're better off without him.

law_lady wrote: »

I do suffer from anxiety by the way, and I have several other stresses in my life at the moment including a sick mother and a 70 hour a week job so I have a lot on my plate which I think made me overwhelmed and made me flip easier. He is very busy and his career is thankless at times and demanding, but he doesn't seem good at appreciating that he's not the only one who suffers from business and stress.

You forgot to mention that you also had a boyfriend who didn't appreciate you and was hung up on his ex. No wonder you flipped.

Ask yourself what were you getting from the relationship? Did you get love and support or were you always trying to gain his approval hoping he would focus on you instead of his ex?

He is split up from his ex over 3 years and he was with you for a year. Many men who have been widowed after more than 20 years marriage meet someone and move on in less time than your estranged bf has been split up from his ex.

You need someone who is on your side and supporting you. You have enough going on with a stressful job and a sick mother without having to compete for love with an ex who has moved on. If you don't get love, support and a serious change of attitude from this man you are better off on your own. You might not see it now but if he doesn't contact you and you have the good sense not to contact him again you will see it.

law_lady

I have my answer. He emailed me again today saying he needs more time to think. He also told me not to contact him with apologies or explanations. He said, and I quote, "Don't be pathetic and don't do any harm to yourself if that's what you were alluding to in your last email". I alluded no such thing but it sums up his dim view of me.

It's really hard to let go of the one you thought you'd have a family with. But I feel eerily calm. If he loved me, he wouldn't think I was pathetic would he? I need to end it.

Emme

law_lady wrote: »

I have my answer. He emailed me again today saying he needs more time to think. He also told me not to contact him with apologies or explanations. He said, and I quote, "Don't be pathetic and don't do any harm to yourself if that's what you were alluding to in your last email". I alluded no such thing but it sums up his dim view of me.

It's really hard to let go of the one you thought you'd have a family with. But I feel eerily calm. If he loved me, he wouldn't think I was pathetic would he? I need to end it.

Did his ex self harm or threaten it?

If you feel calmer now than when you were with him it's a sign the relationship was not good for you.

Big Bag of Chips

law_lady wrote: »

I can't end things, I'd die to lose him. I love him too much.

Maybe if you said something like this to him, that's what he's referring to. Look, it sounds like the relationship wasn't really that great. There was a lot he did, either deliberately or thoughtlessly that caused you a lot of upset. You can't control how you feel. Who knows, maybe your feelings were founded. You said he's friends with other exes and they don't bother you like this one does. We have a gut for a reason, and your gut seems to be telling you something. Sometimes we can't really explain why we feel a certain way, but just something us telling us something isn't right.

You miss him, of course you do. But would you be happy to stay in a relationship where you always felt a bit threatened or over shadowed by his ex? Break ups are never going to be easy, but what you need to do now is busy yourself with something, anything. Don't sit in in the evenings tempted to text/mail him. Go somewhere. Anywhere. Cinema, meet friends. And leave your phone at home.

I know people say you shouldn't try to change others, but if you regularly do something that you know upsets your partner (and it's not something that absolutely has to be done!) then you should at least try to not do it so often. This will sting for a while. But you'll be ok.

retro:electro

Op please remain to keep some self respect when talking to him. You got mad for a reason and that's okay. I'm glad you're more clear headed today and realise you went a bit ott yesterday. I know if someone broke up with me and then started begging me back with the level of intensity of your other post I would be turned off. Be clear headed and assertive. Best of luck!

SarahMollie

law_lady wrote: »

I have my answer. He emailed me again today saying he needs more time to think. He also told me not to contact him with apologies or explanations. He said, and I quote, "Don't be pathetic and don't do any harm to yourself if that's what you were alluding to in your last email". I alluded no such thing but it sums up his dim view of me.

It's really hard to let go of the one you thought you'd have a family with. But I feel eerily calm. If he loved me, he wouldn't think I was pathetic would he? I need to end it.

I hate to say it but I don't believe this relationship can recover.

The balance of power is too heavily shifted in his favor. He clearly doesnt think that highly of you to use the word pathetic. Also the fact that he's given himself total control of the timelines here is not a sign of a fair and equitable relationship. Leaving you in limbo indefinitely is completely unfair. Wanting time is fine, but leaving you hanging while effectively silencing you is not a sign of someone who respects you and wants to be with you.

Also, I agree with other posters, you need to stop groveling just because you're afraid of losing the relationship at all costs. You need to have more self respect than that.

LegacyUser

law_lady wrote: »

I need to end it.

No you don't, it's already over. What you need to do is ask yourself why you spent any time with someone who was hung up on an ex and didn't value you, then put those lessons into making your next relationship a far healthier, more loving one. The relationship you had a few days ago is over, keep moving forward, don't contact him again, ignore any attempt he makes to contact you.

Kidchameleon

A few posters and the OP are saying the guy should "redeem" himself. Im not sure why? Theres nothing wrong with being friends with an ex. Its the OP's jealousy (ironically heightened by experiences with an ex of hers) and hot headedness that caused this situation. Oh and begging someone to take you back can be described as pathetic. Its simply a word that he used, its not a sign that he doesnt love her, its an accurate description of the act of begging somone to take you back

njs030

It's possible to be friends with an ex once feelings on both sides are gone.
My ex is one of my best friends and surprised me recently by insisting on being a shoulder to cry on when my new relationship ended.

The boyfriend has repeatedly said why his previous relationship didn't work out and is probably fed up of ops jealousy issues which really are hers to deal with and work on, it's not for other people to solve your problems op.

You ended your relationship in a fit of temper op, that would say you didn't value it very much or respect him an awful lot either.
It's something that should only be said after a lot of careful thought and as a last resort and only when you mean it because as youre finding out you might not be able to take it back.

Katgurl

There is the pair of you in it IMO.

First of all; he's not blameless. Why was he talking about their intimate life? If they are genuinely friends surely moving close to her wouldn't be a problem, in fact you should know her by now too.

Your mistake was that you lost the run of yourself both when you were objecting and when you were begging for forgiveness. Saying things like in your previous post that you'd die if it ended is way too dramatic.

You've lost control of the situation and are floundering about and he is using the situation to his advantage and being very unkind.

Please do not get back with this person. It does not sound to be like you are craving the relationship because it was happy, you were craving validation that he wanted you all along. That's not what love is about, what you're dealing with there is a power struggle.

My advice would be to take some time for yourself and really think in detail about the type of relationship you would like to be in; picture yourself with someone when you didn't feel anxious, panicky and insecure.

law_lady

I'm going to arrange for him to pick up his things at a time I'm not there so that I don't have to see him. I'm not going to contact him any more. I can see that I was pathetic in a way, by begging for forgiveness. Unfortunately, I think he thought I was pathetic anyway. I've often felt he didn't respect me but I've said it to him and every time he's assured me he does and that he loves me. But words aren't as important as actions.

Then again, clearly my personality doesn't encourage respect. This has happened before, usually in the form of cheating rather than this, but it has happened before. I think I need to take a huge step back and work out what it is about myself that tells guys it's ok to look down on me. I had taken a long break from dating before this relationship for that reason though, and I really thought I was whole and confident going into this one, and that he was a good person. So now I need to think about whether it is me that causes people to treat me this way, rather than them. I really hate myself right now.

SarahMollie

law_lady wrote: »

I'm going to arrange for him to pick up his things at a time I'm not there so that I don't have to see him. I'm not going to contact him any more. I can see that I was pathetic in a way, by begging for forgiveness. Unfortunately, I think he thought I was pathetic anyway. I've often felt he didn't respect me but I've said it to him and every time he's assured me he does and that he loves me. But words aren't as important as actions.

Then again, clearly my personality doesn't encourage respect. This has happened before, usually in the form of cheating rather than this, but it has happened before. I think I need to take a huge step back and work out what it is about myself that tells guys it's ok to look down on me. I had taken a long break from dating before this relationship for that reason though, and I really thought I was whole and confident going into this one, and that he was a good person. So now I need to think about whether it is me that causes people to treat me this way, rather than them. I really hate myself right now.

Honestly OP, I think your time might best be spent seeking some professional advice.

If you're a jealous and reactive person rather than a calm and secure person then yes, perhaps you're making life harder for yourself. You're not responsible for how others behave towards you, but you are responsible for how you behave and how you react to the behavior of others.

If nothing else, perhaps this will teach you that jumping to ultimatums/breakups is a very unwise course of action and not to make rash decisions. Maybe you need to learn some techniques to calm yourself down past a certain point.

I'm also not a great believer in keeping ex's around as friends but how you handled it only cast you in a bad light. On merit, perhaps you should have been the one to dump him, but by your OTT reaction you've lost the moral high ground.

Neyite

law_lady wrote: »

I'm going to arrange for him to pick up his things at a time I'm not there so that I don't have to see him. I'm not going to contact him any more. I can see that I was pathetic in a way, by begging for forgiveness. Unfortunately, I think he thought I was pathetic anyway. I've often felt he didn't respect me but I've said it to him and every time he's assured me he does and that he loves me. But words aren't as important as actions.

Then again, clearly my personality doesn't encourage respect. This has happened before, usually in the form of cheating rather than this, but it has happened before. I think I need to take a huge step back and work out what it is about myself that tells guys it's ok to look down on me. I had taken a long break from dating before this relationship for that reason though, and I really thought I was whole and confident going into this one, and that he was a good person. So now I need to think about whether it is me that causes people to treat me this way, rather than them. I really hate myself right now.

You've recognised that you are the common denominator here - that's really good. Now you just have to unpick why you are picking the guys that you do. I'd suggest a bit of counselling to help there. It can help immensely.

leggo

Neyite wrote: »

You've recognised that you are the common denominator here - that's really good. Now you just have to unpick why you are picking the guys that you do. I'd suggest a bit of counselling to help there. It can help immensely.

Way harsh. She's given an example of two exes who've treated her badly (and even then this one is hardly a monster like). This response smacks of victim blaming, she is in no way the 'common denominator' and thus deserving of this treatment, as you are inferring.

Neyite

leggo wrote: »

Way harsh. She's given an example of two exes who've treated her badly (and even then this one is hardly a monster like). This response smacks of victim blaming, she is in no way the 'common denominator' and thus deserving of this treatment, as you are inferring.

You've taken that up completely wrong and you've extrapolated all sorts of nonsense from it.

I said it because once I was exactly like this. I did pick the wrong people in my life and there was a pattern, only I couldn't see it. I was unknowingly the common denominator - or rather my boundaries were. And with some counselling I was able to fully change that and move towards healthier, better relationships.

There is absolutely no victim blaming here.

Emme

Neyite wrote: »

You've taken that up completely wrong and you've extrapolated all sorts of nonsense from it.

I said it because once I was exactly like this. I did pick the wrong people in my life and there was a pattern, only I couldn't see it. I was unknowingly the common denominator - or rather my boundaries were. And with some counselling I was able to fully change that and move towards healthier, better relationships.

There is absolutely no victim blaming here.

I think the OP needs to build up her self-confidence so she recognises red flags at the start and isn't willing to put up with bad behaviour. For example, this guy's preoccupation with his ex should have sent her running a mile. She needs to see that HE is the problem and that nothing she does (or did) could have changed his mind or got rid of his obsession with his ex.

Some guys have a healthy relationship with their exes which doesn't interfere in subsequent relationships. This guy didn't want to look at flats in the same complex where his ex lived. He used to bring up things she did in the bedroom which is not on.

Neyite

Emme wrote: »

I think the OP needs to build up her self-confidence so she recognises red flags at the start and isn't willing to put up with bad behaviour. For example, this guy's preoccupation with his ex should have sent her running a mile. She needs to see that HE is the problem and that nothing she does (or did) could have changed his mind or got rid of his obsession with his ex.

Some guys have a healthy relationship with their exes which doesn't interfere in subsequent relationships. This guy didn't want to look at flats in the same complex where his ex lived. He used to bring up things she did in the bedroom which is not on.

Thank you - you've explained what I was trying to say far better than I managed. It's absolutely not the OP's fault in any way - its clear that the man has issues and did from the start. It can take a while to learn how to spot the red flags. But when she does, she'll see them a mile off and be all the better for it.