nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

Confused about the gay relationship world

dust123

Hi all, please get ready for the sweeping generalisations but I am looking for some reassurance about gay relationships. As someone who has been out of the closet 2 years, and had lots of dates with gay men, I am left confused. I can honestly say I am struggling to hear of a gay male couple who are loyal and faithful to each other. Let me be clear, the vast majority of stories I have heard are of gay couples who have open relationships, or are cheating, or are on grindr etc looking for other men. I dont have an issue with open relationships as they are both consenting adults. But I'm just worried that it's going to be difficult to find a partner who feels the same way as I do. Perhaps its the experience I have had, but its starting to concern me. Any thoughts on the topic would be great. Before you ask, I havent been burned in the past. Have had one brief 6 month relationship, which ended fine. I really don't wish to have to change my attitude on monogamy, but I also dont want to cut myself off from dating! Be friendly please, I haven't posted before! Would love your views.

Find more posts tagged with

gay

dating

cheating

open relationship

Quick Links

Comments

LLMMLL

baby and crumble wrote: »

I wonder are straight couples less likely to be open about their open relationships? I'd say so. The general feeling in the LGBTQ community is that an open mind goes a long way- so perhaps members of our community might be more likely to talk about it to their peers etc?

It's possible but I personally don't think so. It may just be the case that gay relationships tend to have a different dynamic to straight relationships and there's nothing wrong with that.

wakka12

baby and crumble wrote: »

I wonder are straight couples less likely to be open about their open relationships? I'd say so. The general feeling in the LGBTQ community is that an open mind goes a long way- so perhaps members of our community might be more likely to talk about it to their peers etc?

Why would they have any reason to be more secretive about it? I know about 2 couples in open straight relationships and nobody seems to mind or judge them really, I know a good few more gay couples who are in open relationships (which is a lot when you consider the fact that I know a lot more straight people (and hence couples) than gay people due to them being majority)

baby and crumble

wakka12 wrote: »

Why would they have any reason to be more secretive about it? I know about 2 couples in open straight relationships and nobody seems to mind or judge them really, I know a good few more gay couples who are in open relationships (which is a lot when you consider the fact that I know a lot more straight people (and hence couples) than gay people due to them being majority)

I just know that a lot of my straight friends would be shocked (and have been) when I talk about my friends (all part of the LGBTQ community) who are in open relationships or who are non-monogamous in whatever way they choose.

It's purely me going on my experiences to date, that's all.

kammallow1984

I'm not gay myself (and female) but I have few gay friends and as far as I know they are all faithful to each other.
So have faith, there is a right person for everyone, sometimes it just takes time to find them

JackTaylorFan

Not sure about being gay - but being a trans-woman is a nightmare if you want a serious relationship with a man. The majority of guys I encounter that are openly seeking to date girls like me, are quite frankly, a bit creepy. Just ick!

As for polyamory, well, it's just a pretty way of saying "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm an STI waiting to explode!!" - but that's just my opinion on it. Ewwughh.

baby and crumble

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

As for polyamory, well, it's just a pretty way of saying "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm an STI waiting to explode!!" - but that's just my opinion on it. Ewwughh.

Polyamory is very different to swinging, to be clear. Polyamory is based around relationships simply not being monogomous- it's not a carte blanche to shag everything that moves.

JackTaylorFan

baby and crumble wrote: »

Polyamory is very different to swinging, to be clear. Polyamory is based around relationships simply not being monogomous- it's not a carte blanche to shag everything that moves.

Huhuh... I have had the delightful experience of meeting many individuals who identify as "poly" and even being invited to be in open relationships and although some of those that I have met meet your interpretation of what the term means - a lot definitely do not - and after talking to them about it, it was clear they did have a sense that being "poly" was "cart blanche" to just screw around.

Then again, I have been approached by many married men, surreptitiously, of course - who are supposedly "monogamous" - so, I guess if you can't be faithful to one person, there's a pretty label out there for it. Who knows, maybe being open about it is better after all.

I don't know. Still think it's a bit ick... but okay...

Nebit

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Huhuh... I have had the delightful experience of meeting many individuals who identify as "poly" and even being invited to be in open relationships and although some of those that I have met meet your interpretation of what the term means - a lot definitely do not - and after talking to them about it, it was clear they did have a sense that being "poly" was "cart blanche" to just screw around.

Then again, I have been approached by many married men, surreptitiously, of course - who are supposedly "monogamous" - so, I guess if you can't be faithful to one person, there's a pretty label out there for it. Who knows, maybe being open about it is better after all.

I don't know. Still think it's a bit ick... but okay...

Polyamory is often misconstrued with having an open relationship, (even by those in open relationships) in truth they are nothing alike. Polyamory means you love more than one person to which you equally share your experiences.

Open relationships are defined by external sexual experiences in which one partner or both partners are included, but the other is not privy to other things within that relationship and thus unequal.

BUT I'd like to point out that any relationship can be open (monogamous or polyamourous) that is up to the people within the relationship, but in terms of definition, being centred around love, polyamory has nothing to do with open relationships as much as monogamy does.

FYI statistically those in polyamory relationships are more likely NOT to play outside the relationship. This corresponds to all the people I know in polyamourous relationships.

JackTaylorFan

Nebit wrote: »

Polyamory is often misconstrued with having an open relationship, (even by those in open relationships) in truth they are nothing alike. Polyamory means you love more than one person to which you equally share your experiences.

Open relationships are defined by external sexual experiences in which one partner or both partners are included, but the other is not privy to other things within that relationship and thus unequal.

BUT I'd like to point out that any relationship can be open (monogamous or polyamourous) that is up to the people within the relationship, but in terms of definition, being centred around love, polyamory has nothing to do with open relationships as much as monogamy does.

FYI statistically those in polyamory relationships are more likely NOT to play outside the relationship. This corresponds to all the people I know in polyamourous relationships.

Huhuh...

Well, thanks for that wholly unnecessary pseudo greek-come-latin lesson, but I already fully understood the literal definition of the word "polyamory" to mean, roughly: "many loves". The problem is in the real world application of that term.
But, okay, let's forget how humans actually work for a moment, and apply this flawed logic to your point regarding monogamy and open-relationships and how the two principles are not entirely mutually exclusive. So, now let's take the literal definition of the word monogamy, which even in the modern day definition of the word, is as follows: the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time .After reading and hopefully understanding that last sentence at its most literal level, are you still going to try to argue the laughable point that monogamy and open-relationships are congruent?

Also, can you please explain to me: why so, so many self-identifying polyamorous people practice open relationships? Are they just in denial about their monogamy?

Nebit

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Huhuh...

Well, thanks for that wholly unnecessary pseudo greek-come-latin lesson, but I already fully understood the literal definition of the word "polyamory" to mean, roughly: "many loves". The problem is in the real world application of that term.
But, okay, let's forget how humans actually work for a moment, and apply this flawed logic to your point regarding monogamy and open-relationships and how the two principles are not entirely mutually exclusive. So, now let's take the literal definition of the word monogamy, which even in the modern day definition of the word, is as follows: the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time .After reading and hopefully understanding that last sentence at its most literal level, are you still going to try to argue the laughable point that monogamy and open-relationships are congruent?

Also, can you please explain to me: why so, so many self-identifying polyamorous people practice open relationships? Are they just in denial about their monogamy?

.....

I don't think the tone of that comment was nessessary, I was simply explaining what the two words mean since many people associate anything non-monogamous with being sexually open and that is not the case. In your previous post you made a wide sweeping assumption that most polyamorous relationships are open (due to your experience) and that is not the case, most are actually quite committed.

I feel, being in a polyamourous relationship, that it is my duty to explain these differences to people for a better understanding.

Now referring back to my previous post you'll see I agree with you that yes i think there is an issue with the application of the term. I believe that many people in open relationships do identify as poly, this is likely due to the bad connotations associated with saying you are in open relationship, this is more of a societal issue.

Monogamy originally stems from the practice of marrying one person, one could be monogamous but have a consult (for example aristocracy of the past) in fact the church only believed that women could cheat and that a man could sleep with whoever they wanted as long as they were only married to one person and that was still considered monogamous. After the victorian era (the one in which they covered furniture legs for being too sexual) it was taught that this also meant having one sexual partner, this unfortunately is where the confusion occurs nowadays.

This is why the most simplistic way of distinguishing the two is by how many people you love, one or more.

Being in an open relationship doesn't come down to love, it's about new experiences with other people. Simply put, you love your partner but you can have sex and lust for others.

Because of this it is not truly polyamory (love) unless in an open poly relationship where say the 3 of you consent to sexual encounters outside the loving relationship. Monogamy relates to your love to one person but not nessessarily whether you are in an open relationship or not, this is a recent association with the word that simply doesn't fit.

JackTaylorFan

Nebit wrote: »

.....

I don't think the tone of that comment was nessessary, I was simply explaining what the two words mean since many people associate anything non-monogamous with being sexually open and that is not the case. In your previous post you made a wide sweeping assumption that most polyamorous relationships are open (due to your experience) and that is not the case, most are actually quite committed.

I feel, being in a polyamourous relationship, that it is my duty to explain these differences to people for a better understanding.

Now referring back to my previous post you'll see I agree with you that yes i think there is an issue with the application of the term. I believe that many people in open relationships do identify as poly, this is likely due to the bad connotations associated with saying you are in open relationship, this is more of a societal issue.

Monogamy originally stems from the practice of marrying one person, one could be monogamous but have a consult (for example aristocracy of the past) in fact the church only believed that women could cheat and that a man could sleep with whoever they wanted as long as they were only married to one person and that was still considered monogamous. After the victorian era (the one in which they covered furniture legs for being too sexual) it was taught that this also meant having one sexual partner, this unfortunately is where the confusion occurs nowadays.

This is why the most simplistic way of distinguishing the two is by how many people you love, one or more.

Being in an open relationship doesn't come down to love, it's about new experiences with other people. Simply put, you love your partner but you can have sex and lust for others.

Because of this it is not truly polyamory (love) unless in an open poly relationship where say the 3 of you consent to sexual encounters outside the loving relationship. Monogamy relates to your love to one person but not nessessarily whether you are in an open relationship or not, this is a recent association with the word that simply doesn't fit.

No, i do appreciate the response - even the etymology section.

I don't think people in ORs use the term polyamorous out of some sense of social stigma - they use it 'cause they see both terms as synonymous in these times - and, yes, perhaps 'cause the word sounds pretty. And perhaps they are doing true polyamorous individuals a disservice. Perhaps they need a new latin/greek word rather than hijacking yours.

Look, I do take on board your point that polyamory in its purest form is something deep and meaningful - but what I encounter most the time in the dating scene, is a bunch of uncommitted, hedonistic ****heads calling themselves "poly" so they can screw anyone who will let them. But I accept that not everyone claiming that label is like that - and will take back my sweeping statement.

Also, I would just like to add this thought: I do not believe marriage and monogamy are analogous in today's world. One is a relationship status and the other is a held value.