First time at the dentist in 11 years
Let me start off by saying that dental hygiene isn't my thing. It's just not. Don't get me wrong, I brush regularly and although my teeth aren't whiter than Peruvian cocaine, they're not yellow either. But I hadn't been to the dentist in about a decade. I know, mental, but I didn't have a single problem with my teeth in that time so, you know, there wasn't as much urgency.
So I walk in, shake his hand and go, 'Good to see you, Peter. Long time.' I was slightly embarrassed over the lengthy absence, so why not address it straight away. 'Yes, 11 years,' he goes, really deadpan like, but he already had his mask on so I couldn't tell if he was smiling. 'You're joking!' I respond, feigning surprise because I guess it seems more excusable if you play dumb and act like you were there before Christmas or something.
I lie down on his bed thing (no idea what it's called), open my mouth and the first thing I hear is a pretty deep and desperate sigh. If I open my eyes, I'm fairly sure I'd see him and his assistant - who, by the way, was very, very attractive, making it worse - shaking their heads at one another. Midway through the semi-painful scaling procedure I hear him say, 'Christ'. I'm thinking, 'Oh god what's he found?', but he's drilling into my gums and your one is hoovering my tongue, so I'm not in a position to investigate. The entire thing lasted about 20 minutes, and at the end he goes to me, 'Without a doubt that's the worst scaling I've had to do in at least five years'.
I believe him, because I spent the next two minutes pulling tiny bits of black matter out of my mouth. Since leaving, I can't help but run my tongue against the back of my lower teeth. There's lots of sharp edges now, which I can only assume is because there isn't 11 years worth of pizza, chips and chicken plugging the gaps any longer.
Just before I leave, I shake his hand and go, 'See you in 2028, Peter'. He still has that mask on so I don't know whether I tickled him, but I'd like to think so.
What's the point of this? Well between exciting beach stories, and extremely strange stories about hiking in Glendalough, I thought why not make it a hat-trick of mundane tales.