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controlling partner?

remembering

Hi all

With my partner 2 years and my sisters think he's controlling. I didn't realise what this fully meant until I started googling and realised that he has many of the traits. I'm extremely confused as to what to do now. Do I run for the hills or try and talk to him or will it all get worse. We had a row new year and his temper did scare me a bit. The worst bit is we only got engaged at Xmas. Thanks

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eviltwin

Just to echo what the others have said, get out asap. People who are controlling don't get better, only worse. I know this is difficult to face when you've just become engaged, you're looking for a house etc but in years to come you'll look back and consider yourself lucky you were able to do this before you got stuck with a mortgage, marriage and kids. You don't deserve to live like this, you should both be happy and excited for your future but you are unsure and scared. It's not a good sign. Get strength from your family, friends and Womens Aid.

njs030

bigpink wrote: »

Could just be a bad temper over stress or worry if it was the first time.Men tendvto bottle up things

Lashing out at your partner because your stressed or worried isn't OK. Men who appreciate the woman they are going to marry don't threaten to destroy things and act like it didn't happen.

GingerLily

remembering wrote: »

bigpink wrote: »

Could just be a bad temper over stress or worry if it was the first time.Men tendvto bottle up things

That's true but slating my family all the time. I'm very close to my family. I can't handle the way he talks about them and they are very good people

That's how they usually get ultimate control, by removing your access to escape, that is your support from your family. How long has he shown issue with your family?

neonsofa

GingerLily wrote: »

He's just proposed and wants a mortgage already - watch your money. Keep it somewhere safe and don't let him any access to it.

Generally people propose when they want to begin building a life with someone and the person says yes as they want to build this life too. Getting a mortgage would be a realistic enough step after a proposal I would've thought. Many have the mortgage together long before proposals or marriage so I don't think that in itself is anything out of the ordinary. Having said that I obviously wouldn't enter into anything like that given the circumstances.

bigpink

notjustsweet wrote: »

Lashing out at your partner because your stressed or worried isn't OK. Men who appreciate the woman they are going to marry don't threaten to destroy things and act like it didn't happen.

It isnt ok but it happens in the real world seen it with my father growing up.Good guy but at times would be in bad form

bigpink

Was the abuse of the family from day one?And what does he say

kylith

remembering wrote: »

He's normal all the time - these arguments are all new. i can't believe I'm on here discussing this

It may be that now you're engaged he feels that he has a hold of you and that's why he's escalating his behaviour.

GingerLily

neonsofa wrote: »

Generally people propose when they want to begin building a life with someone and the person says yes as they want to build this life too. Getting a mortgage would be a realistic enough step after a proposal I would've thought. Many have the mortgage together long before proposals or marriage so I don't think that in itself is anything out of the ordinary. Having said that I obviously wouldn't enter into anything like that given the circumstances.

No, not in itself is not suspicious, which is why I wouldn't go on the Weddings forum and spread that advice.

I'm worried he'll push her to "join" their savings for the application etc. to gain control over her money. And in general, if you're ever in doubt protect your finances!

eviltwin

bigpink wrote: »

It isnt ok but it happens in the real world seen it with my father growing up.Good guy but at times would be in bad form

What difference does it make? Who wants to be married to someone who deals with their bad mood by being aggressive and threatening to damage things?

seamus

bigpink wrote: »

It isnt ok but it happens in the real world seen it with my father growing up.Good guy but at times would be in bad form

"He's a nice guy really, just has a bit of a temper". As much as you love your father, this is very typical masking behaviour.

It's not normal. It doesn't happen in the vast majority of households. Yes, people have arguments, yes people can lose their temper when times are very bad. But smashing things up, screaming in people's faces, using abusive and belittling language and then carrying on like all is normal, is the exact opposite of normal.

The victim shouldn't be walking on eggshells for fear of angering their partner again, it's the person who lost their temper that should be begging for forgiveness.

What's most interesting is the OP's family have pointed out that he's controlling. You don't make this judgement over one or two days, but by observing patterns of behaviour. The temper thing might be new, but clearly a lot more has been going on for a lot longer; long enough for her family to become concerned.

OP, you can continue moving along mortgage-wise if you want to avoid raising his suspicion. The whole process takes a long time, it'll be a couple of weeks before you can even submit an application. And you should be planning to be gone in days rather than weeks. So don't worry too much about going to talk to the bank or whatever. Just avoid signing anything for the time being or giving him control of bank accounts or passwords.

remembering

bigpink wrote: »

Was the abuse of the family from day one?And what does he say

Not at all. My sister said something 1 day which was her fault and he got over it. Then at Xmas my other sis brought it up so now he hates her the most. He was even calling the kids all names like how spoilt they all are - it was just horrible to listen to

remembering

remembering wrote: »

Not at all. My sister said something 1 day which was her fault and he got over it. Then at Xmas my other sis brought it up so now he hates her the most. He was even calling the kids all names like how spoilt they all are - it was just horrible to listen to

Thanks for all the excellent advice

amtc

Listen my parents are married 46 years. My dad calls my aunt...who looks after my nana...the Fat Frump. He calls my uncle another name. He calls my mam's friend a Tramp Ass (apparently a character in an old western The Virginian)...a neighbour is 'the eyes and ears of the world'

It was only this year strange as it may seem that I realised couples were supposed to look in the same direction.

shesty

I am married to a normal (in so far as they are

) man. He doesn't say he hates me. He doesn't get up in my face about stuff. He doesn't throw things-ever. He doesn't speak nastily about my family. We've been together 13 years and he NEVER does those things, no matter how stressed, or angry, or whatever, the situation is.

So OP - that's not normal. It doesn't matter that it's only just started....it's not normal. You are strong and brave and best of all (even though it doesn't seem like that yet)....you are not yet in deep enough with him to make it too hard to get out. If that makes sense. Cut and run now, before money or kids or marriage is involved. And Estrellita's advice is excellent. I'd follow it all, if I were in your position.

bigpink

remembering wrote: »

Not at all. My sister said something 1 day which was her fault and he got over it. Then at Xmas my other sis brought it up so now he hates her the most. He was even calling the kids all names like how spoilt they all are - it was just horrible to listen to

He just starting calling kids names in front of alk ye adults?

remembering

shesty wrote: »

I am married to a normal (in so far as they are ) man. He doesn't say he hates me. He doesn't get up in my face about stuff. He doesn't throw things-ever. He doesn't speak nastily about my family. We've been together 13 years and he NEVER does those things, no matter how stressed, or angry, or whatever, the situation is.

So OP - that's not normal. It doesn't matter that it's only just started....it's not normal. You are strong and brave and best of all (even though it doesn't seem like that yet)....you are not yet in deep enough with him to make it too hard to get out. If that makes sense. Cut and run now, before money or kids or marriage is involved. And Estrellita's advice is excellent. I'd follow it all, if I were in your position.

Thank you so much. I suppose I'm so confused right now , I don't know if these things are normal in relationships but as you said it's not normal. My last relationship was never like this. I'm in turmoil and then I have all these people congratulating me. I even rang in sick to work as I can't face people yet. And I've just realised that he hasn't even apologised for anything he's done . Came home at lunch discussing our options for mortgages and i had to sit through that thinkin if only u knew there will never be a mortgage

remembering

bigpink wrote: »

He just starting calling kids names in front of alk ye adults?

No just slating them all to me. That they are all a shower of .beep beep ..

amtc

I watched an interview with Larry Lamb of Eastenders recently and he said his parents were good people who should never have met. I agree totally.

As I said I never got until this year that a marriage was about looking into the same direction.

remembering

bigpink wrote: »

Whats ways is he controlling you?

He doesn't control me - but maybe he might down the line. So far it's just the rows/ slagging family and the stuff he threw

njs030

remembering wrote: »

He doesn't control me - but maybe he might down the line. So far it's just the rows/ slagging family and the stuff he threw

Op you don't have to justify yourself. I think this poster has seen similar relationships themselves and thinks its normal but you can see from the majority of responses that it's not.

You know in your heart what he's doing is wrong, it's probably been going on longer than you think but only now you're noticing it.
Keep going with your plans to leave and not mention it to him and keep strong.

Ursus Horribilis

He has probably been controlling you in ways you've not noticed yet. Your sister's comments didn't come out of the blue.

Anyway I hope you find the strength to do the right thing before it's too late.

Big Bag of Chips

But why do your sisters think he is controlling? Did they elaborate? This can't have all come about because of a row a few days ago? Are there things you do only because he wants to do them? Are there things you don't do because you know it'd cause an issue with him if you suggested it? Do you find yourself avoiding things? Certain discussions? Suggestions? Do you find yourself making excuses to friends to not meet up with them? Or not have them call around to yours?

You say your sisters say he's controlling and you read up on it and he fits a lot of the signs. Yet you say he's not really controlling, just the recent argument and throwing things? Does he often argue like that? Does he often throw things? Were you ever afraid of his temper before the argument that you are talking about? Or is it a completely new development?

I'm just trying to gauge if this is completely new behaviour for him or of you're minimising it after letting things go for years.

remembering

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But why do your sisters think he is controlling? Did they elaborate? This can't have all come about because of a row a few days ago? Are there things you do only because he wants to do them? Are there things you don't do because you know it'd cause an issue with him if you suggested it? Do you find yourself avoiding things? Certain discussions? Suggestions? Do you find yourself making excuses to friends to not meet up with them? Or not have them call around to yours?

You say your sisters say he's controlling and you read up on it and he fits a lot of the signs. Yet you say he's not really controlling, just the recent argument and throwing things? Does he often argue like that? Does he often throw things? Were you ever afraid of his temper before the argument that you are talking about? Or is it a completely new development?

I'm just trying to gauge if this is completely new behaviour for him or of you're minimising it after letting things go for years.

I have 3 sisters and 1 of them just told me yesterday that the other 2 said they think he's controlling. I will have to ask her what they said that makes them think this. The throwing stuff is all new . There has been times in the last while, if say, we have had a tiff about something, he will do certain things to keep me awake like yawn really loudly (we have a 2 bed apartment) and he starts tapping his foot for me to react to it and then he will say I will do it if I want. I just don't think this stuff is normal. We wouldn't argue an awful lot but new Year changed things for me when he smashed the box and said those things to me

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Just take time and breathe first..... its an awakening of sorts to really see the relationship for how it is and how it might be in the future. Not a pleasant one from the sounds of it but you need to take some time out, to figure it out. Think back throughout the course of your relationship and it may give you insight as to how and why you are feeling like this now.

He may have been on the charm offensive from the start but the clues may have always been there. For example have you always deferred to his decisions, his wants and his needs in order to please him? You may have seen him through rose tinted glasses because he was presenting the best possible side to you. If arguments or tensions arose did you always give way to him before it escalated? If something went wrong, was it you who always took any blame? OP its a confusing time for you so I understand the shock and disbelief you might be feeling.

Talk to someone like womens aid or an impartial friend who can just listen to you talk. Its you who has to ultimately decide if you want to stay or go.

I was in a relationship a few years ago and couldn't not see a fault in him until the arguments got worse, the shouting escalated, throwing insults at me about my appearance, telling me how I should dress, walking on eggshells to prevent arguments. I wish I had someone tell me his behaviour wasnt right but I kept hiding the real horrible stuff from friends and family.

Don't let the engagement colour your decision, its unimportant right now. You might even need to tell him to give you space but be careful, this type of person wont let you go easy. Gather your friends and family around you and ensure you have a support structure in place.
Wising you the best OP.

eviltwin

Tbh even if the controlling comments are just the sisters stirring I'd still see the aggressive behaviour as reason enough to end things.

neonsofa

GingerLily wrote: »

No, not in itself is not suspicious, which is why I wouldn't go on the Weddings forum and spread that advice.

I'm worried he'll push her to "join" their savings for the application etc. to gain control over her money. And in general, if you're ever in doubt protect your finances!

Well yeah obviously she shouldn't enter into anything financial with him due to the circumstances emerging but your comment was that they're just engaged and already he wants a mortgage, which is what I was referring to- the "already" bit, seeing as marriage itself will entwine their finances as it is and op agreed to that, so it's not as if he's jumping the gun expecting a mortgage together or pooling their savings etc. Obviously op shouldn't do any of it though.

remembering

I'm not sure what to say if he asks me what's up. Do I bring up about his behaviour or leave it?

Big Bag of Chips

Why would you not bring it up? What has he said about it? I'd think it's very natural that you would both discuss what happened. How have you been with him? Are you also pretending like nothing happened? How long ago is it since the argument?

The most natural thing in any relationship would be for him to unreservedly apologise without prompting. Or for him to ask you if you're ok, and for you to then say you're very upset about what happened, and then that opens up dialogue. But if you're afraid to say something to him then that in itself is telling of controlling behaviour. If he asks you about going about a mortgage, I would take that as an opportunity to say that you're having second thoughts due to his outburst. If he reacts badly to that and starts making excuses blaming others, that should be all you need to know. If he's remorseful and genuinely apologetic then maybe you two can discuss where your relationship goes from here. I'm not excusing his behaviour, certainly not. But, of it's not a regular thing I might be inclined to give one more chance. One more episode though would be becoming a regular thing in my eyes, and I'd be off.

clairewithani

Reading up on something can be dangerous. He may be controlling but all of us show traits that may or not prove we are a certain way. Talk to someone with experience of this op

remembering

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why would you not bring it up? What has he said about it? I'd think it's very natural that you would both discuss what happened. How have you been with him? Are you also pretending like nothing happened? How long ago is it since the argument?

The most natural thing in any relationship would be for him to unreservedly apologise without prompting. Or for him to ask you if you're ok, and for you to then say you're very upset about what happened, and then that opens up dialogue. But if you're afraid to say something to him then that in itself is telling of controlling behaviour. If he asks you about going about a mortgage, I would take that as an opportunity to say that you're having second thoughts due to his outburst. If he reacts badly to that and starts making excuses blaming others, that should be all you need to know. If he's remorseful and genuinely apologetic then maybe you two can discuss where your relationship goes from here. I'm not excusing his behaviour, certainly not. But, of it's not a regular thing I might be inclined to give one more chance. One more episode though would be becoming a regular thing in my eyes, and I'd be off.

It happened Monday and I carried on as normal but now that I've had a lot of time to think I am getting annoyed. He hasn't apologised at all. Just has continued on as normal discussing mortgage etc.