nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

need to get out but can't find strength

LegacyUser

Is it really hard for a mid 30s woman to find a decent relationship? I am in a very unhealthy relationship for the last 3 years and I just need the confidence to finally end it. I've been trying to make it work for so long now and I'm at my wits end. There is no compromise with my OH on anything. He is very selfish. I have felt irrelevant, unheard and so far down the priority list for so long now that my confidence is shot. There is no talking to him, if I bring up any issue, as gently, non-accusatory and calmly as possible, it's me 'looking for a row', and he gets aggressive and says awful things. I am drained. I won't go into it but he is very abusive and I've developed anxiety from it. I need to get out but I know I'll be completely alone and may never meet anyone. I have never had a problem attracting men before this relationship, but I'm scared I'm older now and I'm feeling a shadow of who I was from what I've been through.

Find more posts tagged with

Quick Links

Comments

Airyfairy12

You just have to leave, whether you stay or go either way youre going to be miserable but at least by leaving youre giving yourself a chance. I know lots of women who've gone through divorce only to remarry someone new in their 40's and 50's, its never too late to meet someone but by staying in this awful relationship youre depriving yourself of ever finding happiness. Youre only wasting your time with him.

batmanrobin

You need to decide what's more important for you - staying in an emotionally abusive and draining relationship where you can't speak freely, all for the sake of having someone in your life. Or is it more important for you to leave such a non relationship and be single knowing you might never be with someone, but happier for it?

Think about it, OP. The "relationship" you are in is a shadow relationship. What I mean by that is that it's missing all the ingredients that make a good relationship.

Never stay with someone because you think you might be alone. You very well might end up single forever, but isn't that better than being with someone like your current partner.

If you break up you might be single, you'll also be happier than you've been in the last few years and you might actually start to find your confidence again.

s4uv3

You have the potential to be happy while single. Very happy. You can get your confidence back, meet new people, find new hobbies, spend a couple of years being swlfish and only having you to worry about

But you will never ever be happy in this relationship.

ManOfMystery

s4uv3 wrote: »

You have the potential to be happy while single. Very happy. You can get your confidence back, meet new people, find new hobbies, spend a couple of years being swlfish and only having you to worry about

But you will never ever be happy in this relationship.

Thumbs up for this.

9 times out of 10, these situations only go one way : worse. When's the last time you heard someone say "Oh my partner used to be abusive, selfish, aggressive, volatile and demanding ................................................... but then they turned over a new leaf and are quite nice now"?

I've never understood the 'stigma' that some people have about being single. We have all been single at periods of time in our life. It doesn't mean anything. Being single allows you the freedom to do what you want, when you want. You don't have to suffer abuse from a partner like this, and it lets you consider your options until you meet a partner who is worthy of your time.

There's a misconception that being single, being 'alone' is worse than being with a partner who's abusive. It's not. If anything, being with an abusive partner makes you feel even lonelier as they dangle the carrot of happiness in front of you now and again only to snatch it away whilst they keep you at arm's length, with you constantly wondering what you've done wrong or treading on egg shells round them. I'd rather be happy in my own company than unhappy in someone else's.

There is nothing wrong with being single, and weighing that up against being with a partner who makes you unhappy? Absolutely no contest.

Emme

www.womensaid.ie

Look up emotional abuse on the Women's Aid website. You are walking on eggshells with this man and the longer you stay with him the worse it's going to get. My advice is to end the relationship, be on your own for a while and do things you enjoy. Go away for a spa weekend and get some treatments. Have a makeover at the make-up counter of a department stores. Ask your hairdresser if there is something you could do to freshen up your hairstyle. If you're into fitness set yourself a new goal.

There are plenty of clubs and organisations with members your age. Focus on finding yourself, not on being in a relationship. If you stay with this man and have children with him your life and the children's lives will be hell. You owe your future children better than this.

Get out now.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. I even feel a little better already. I have long considered and questioned why have I stayed, am I that weak? I can't be that afraid of being alone, I have friends and family. I think I just see what we could have been instead of who he is. I will not accept he is as bad as he is, because I just don't understand it. The stuff that has happened I would be ashamed to tell those who love me and I don't know why! I'm ashamed that I've gone back to him, I feel I must be fundamentally flawed to have let some of the stuff go, in the hope things would get better and he means it when he says sorry. I have never called him a name, he has called me every name under the sun. I cry when he says the stuff he says and looks at me like its a total inconvenience that I have an emotional reaction and then he says worse things. I dread coming home to my apartment, and it is mine. He will watch 6+hours of tv every evening, I have no interest in TV. If I try to say anything about the situation, he looks at me with hate and says look at what you're doing to me, says something cruel to shut me up and gets angry if I get upset.
Yes of course I have clung onto what was good about the relationship but I see now it was all fake. He treated his ex the same way, and manipulated into it being all her, she even texted him months into our relationship 'I hope to god you treat her better than you treated me', at the time I thought she was still just hurt he left her, but I now see what he's capable of. They had broken up 4 months before he met me.

Emme

needsomehope321 wrote: »

Thank you for your replies. I even feel a little better already. I have long considered and questioned why have I stayed, am I that weak? I can't be that afraid of being alone, I have friends and family. I think I just see what we could have been instead of who he is. I will not accept he is as bad as he is, because I just don't understand it. The stuff that has happened I would be ashamed to tell those who love me and I don't know why! I'm ashamed that I've gone back to him, I feel I must be fundamentally flawed to have let some of the stuff go, in the hope things would get better and he means it when he says sorry. I have never called him a name, he has called me every name under the sun. I cry when he says the stuff he says and looks at me like its a total inconvenience that I have an emotional reaction and then he says worse things. I dread coming home to my apartment, and it is mine. He will watch 6+hours of tv every evening, I have no interest in TV. If I try to say anything about the situation, he looks at me with hate and says look at what you're doing to me, says something cruel to shut me up and gets angry if I get upset.
Yes of course I have clung onto what was good about the relationship but I see now it was all fake. He treated his ex the same way, and manipulated into it being all her, she even texted him months into our relationship 'I hope to god you treat her better than you treated me', at the time I thought she was still just hurt he left her, but I now see what he's capable of. They had broken up 4 months before he met me.

OP I assume you don't have any children with this man. Good. If he has lived with you 3 years in your apartment you are probably still ok but if he lives with you 5 years in your place he could claim 50% of it if you split. So end the relationship now. He might drag his feet leaving so the sooner you end it the better.

Sea08

needsomehope321 wrote: »

Is it really hard for a mid 30s woman to find a decent relationship? I am in a very unhealthy relationship for the last 3 years and I just need the confidence to finally end it. I've been trying to make it work for so long now and I'm at my wits end. There is no compromise with my OH on anything. He is very selfish. I have felt irrelevant, unheard and so far down the priority list for so long now that my confidence is shot. There is no talking to him, if I bring up any issue, as gently, non-accusatory and calmly as possible, it's me 'looking for a row', and he gets aggressive and says awful things. I am drained. I won't go into it but he is very abusive and I've developed anxiety from it. I need to get out but I know I'll be completely alone and may never meet anyone. I have never had a problem attracting men before this relationship, but I'm scared I'm older now and I'm feeling a shadow of who I was from what I've been through.

I would take been alone, ahead of being with someone who runs me down and is abusive, every day of the week.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, as mentioned above, if he lives with you in your apartment for 5 years, he's legally entitled to a share what you worked so hard to buy

Have a read of this. Especially the third paragraph http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/redress_scheme_for_cohabiting_couples.html

A financially dependent cohabitant may be able to apply to the courts for redress if the relationship ends as the result of death or otherwise. In order to apply for redress you must be a qualified cohabitant, that is, you must have been:

A cohabitant for at least 5 years or
A cohabitant for 2 years if you have had a child with your partner

Aufbau

Is there somebody you could talk to? Preferably a professional?

I think if you could hear yourself speak these things out loud, that it would help to make your thoughts real to you and help you move forward.

SeaBreezes

Better no man than the wrong man. You are stronger than you know, and I would imagine, fear is keeping you trapped. Why are you so afraid of him? Would counselling help? Start talking, to
Family to friends to a counsellor. Shine a light on the fear that's trapping you and you will find your strength and power. Best of luck OP!

ennis81

Ask him to leave love, before he sucks the life out of you altogether hes so not worth it
Someone once told me "your time" is the most valuable possession you have and I try to live by that
I know its scary but like someone else said I know loads of people in late thirty's, fortys and older that have moved on to better happier times and you can too
Good luck, thinking of you x

Makapakka

No matter how many times you try convince yourself he will change or act better, he won't. No matter how many times you think it will be worse being single, you won't. I know from experience. I saw that someone was very cruel, manipulative and emotionally abusive and I left. We have a child so he's not completely gone from my life but you can get rid of this "man" completely. You are strong enough to end this. You have family and friends as you said and they will support you. Ring women's aid. They can organise a meeting for you for ways to take this. You have the rest of your life to live and won't do so when you are living with fear around this person. Please, for your own happiness, let the relationship go.

rainbowtrout

OP you are stronger than you think. The fact that you recognise that this is an abusive relationship and you need to end it is a positive thing. You haven't done anything wrong. he is in the wrong. Your family and friends don't need to know the full details if you don't feel ready to tell them, but they will want the best for you.

It's probably best that you work out a plan on how to end this. Consider if there is a chance that he would physically threaten you when you tell him you are finishing with him and want him out. If this is possible then for your own safety it would be wise to have a friend or family member present when you do so. They don't need to know the details, you can just tell them that you need to end it because he is not treating you well. They possibly suspect this already, people will pick up on body language and strained relations, although they might not mention it.

If he is planning to stay with family or friends over Christmas perhaps you can end it then and arrange a time for him to come and collect his remaining things from your flat. Have a friend with you when he calls to collect his stuff, or arrange for family members to be there and you be out.

While it might be a bit stressful to be alone in the next while, think of how stress free your life will be coming home to your flat at night and not having to watch every word you say, and not be constantly walking on eggshells when you shouldn't have to. If you attracted men in the past, you will do so again, that part of you won't have disappeared, but with a fresh start in the new year, you can shine again.

Austria!

needsomehope321 wrote: »

Is it really hard for a mid 30s woman to find a decent relationship?

It's not that hard to find a decent relationship.

It's really really really easy to find one better than the one you have, where you dread coming home to your apartment. Get out and you'll wonder why you didn't do it years ago.

Idle Passerby

Kick him out OP, he sounds horrible. Those aren't the actions of a loving partner, just a manipulative abuser. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years, stayed because I thought if I don't make this work I might not meet anyone else. I eventually admitted to myself that even if I was single for the rest of my life I was better off not having my self worth ground down any more. And I was right.

These kind of people thrive on having someone under their thumb. He'll come running when he see's your trying to break free but it's just a ploy to wind you back in, pretty soon you start seeing how pathetic they really are and I can't describe the wave of relief every time you think "I'm finally out of that mess!"

daithi7

Get him to leave, open up to those who care about you about this terribly abusive, dysfunctional relationship that you are still in. Takeownership of the situation (well done, I think you're doing this now), & your fate. Surround yourself with as many positive people who care about you and who you care about and reboots your life from there. You can overcome your fear and anxiety and the terrible hold this awful guy seems to have on you. But you must take the first steps. Get in charge of your own destiny again, that's empowering and enriching in itself. Good luck op!!

LegacyUser

OP, I was exactly where you were 6 years ago- I was in my 30s and living with someone similar to who you have described. He even told me he hated me!! I was quite financially dependent on him too.

However, I was so trapped and unhappy and would constantly fantasise about leaving him. I knew myself feeling like this meant our relationship was over and I could never go back to feeling the same way about him.

Eventually I got up the courage to leave him...the relief was indescribable. I too had been worried about being alone but yet when I left him I felt elated, free and unburdened!

I am now married to a wonderful man who is not perfect but makes me feel the opposite and have a son. I can't believe I stayed in that relationship for so long. Do it OP, make yourself happy. Honestly, you'll never regret it.

Cak16

Iv just left my partner of 15 years and 3 kids later for all of u r reasons and a lot more, I finally found the courage to leave, don't get me wrong a lot of those years were great but deep down I knew my self worth and knew I deserved a lot better and I moved from a home and life we built together because I finally realised that this is him I/no one can change anyone! I'm on my own with 3 kids and also mid 30s, i left him 7 weeks ago and I'm happy, uv such a long life ahead with no ties why would you carry on like this, kids kept us together for so long ( not that they were a mistake the best thing every happened to me), uv rest ur life to live so pick the right man, the one u wana grow old with!

Sunflower 27

Hi op,

Am so sorry to read your post. Unfortunately it's not an uncommon story. You have got some great advice on here (and thanks to those who shared their inspirational stories).

Get some counselling to build yourself up a bit. You fear the unknown, but what is the alternative? You are already thoroughly miserable and know you are wasting your precious life.

I too have been in abusive relationships and what kept me in them was fear of being on my own. I too came to see that I could be very happy on my own and, after taking time out to work on myself, have been in a great relationship with the kindest, most thoughtful man for three years now.

I highly recommend a book called The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel.

You can do this. You deserve to be happy xx

PS. I was in my late 30s when I got out of my last abusive relationship. It's never too late to find happiness, but you will never have it with this abuser.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0449906442/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482591791&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=the+emotionally+abused+woman&dpPl=1&dpID=51Va8m%2B5ZDL&ref=plSrch

LegacyUser

Thanks so much to those who have replied and given great advice, or shared their own experiences it really helps to know you're not alone. I know it's not the way it should be, and I'm in no way a perfectionist either I would be quite a realist in most areas in life, so it frustrates me my lack of ability in decision making when it comes to relationships. I left my last one drag on too long too, he was a very kind man but I knew it wasn't developing like it should, I didnt feel the same about him but held on in the hope it would get better if we worked at it, and did so for far too long.
I've fallen into the trap of trying to work on things and fix him, but ultimately I know it's a fools game with someone like him. He has a lot of narcissistic traits and with someone like that it's a no win. I know what his many issues are and where they may stem from but it's not my place to sort that out, and I know he probably won't ever get help, although he knows he has anger issues himself, the anger being just one. The reality is I don't matter enough to him for him to sort himself out. I have to make peace with that. He went home for Christmas, don't know when he'll be back he said Tuesday but has already gone back on that. See, even now I'm the one wanting to see him and spend Christmas with him, (do I still love him even after all the crap I've been through?). Reality is I won't enjoy it and he already ruined Christmas Eve, when he went off on one over the most innocuous thing. I was watching something on tv and because I didn't quite hear what he said to me he stormed off swearing and insulting me and slammed the bathroom door so hard the extractor fan broke and fell off the wall. He then completely ignored me when I tried to calm him and talk to him, begged him to be nice because it was the last night we were spending together before he went. Where is my self respect? I just couldn't bare things going like that and spending the evening in silence over some imaginary crime I committed so I had to try and get him out of his mood. It's so draining.. yet I'm doing it to myself. It's like I'm so invested and can't break out of it, he draws me back in, then subtly or blatantly blames me for all his bad behaviors, moods and rages, so I end up trying to fix things!
I tried counselling last year, but I didnt find it very helpful, I think it's more therapy I need of some sort, i must be severely lacking self esteem or have some deep seated issues to be putting myself through this over and over. I don't matter to him, he matters to him and that's it. He has me feeling so low in myself I end up begging for affection in one way or another and that's just needy. I got together the courage to end it earlier in the year and of course he promised he would change and treat me better, but it was just because he saw I was actually going to leave and it wasn't him in control.
Thank you again for the messages, I have taken them on board, I am trying to change I really am, hopefully I will see he won't. Even writing that hurts me, in some way I still can't accept its a lost cause!

Ursus Horribilis

It's a pity you don't have the strength to change the locks on your door and feck all his stuff out on the landing in black bags.

I think you need to go get the therapy you need as soon as possible. You know on a certain level that this is all wrong but you're so addicted to this yoke that you can't see the wood from the trees. You need to get this sorted before he gets a legal claim on your apartment or breaks more than just an extractor fan.

If you've never done so, please contact Women's Aid https://www.womensaid.ie 1800 341 900 They will understand what you're going through and where to turn to next. I hope you find the strength to get rid of this guy. It depresses me to read threads like yours.

anewme

So, he's gone now out of your house till Tuesday or Wednesday next week?

Don't let him back in. No drama, recriminations or even conversations, decide for yourself it's over and start there.

Focus on yourself, your career, your friends, fall back in love with yourself.

I lived a life similar to yours when I was younger- I lived with my boyfriend and it the same type of rows over nothing. The extractor fan one brings it all back to me as one row after slamming doors so hard the glass broke and after another when he threw a huge cushion off the couch, the TVs fell over and broke.

Don't live like this OP.

After a particularly nasty row, I put the dog on a lead and said to myself, I'm not going back there ever again. Or there will be a tragedy. I never did.

You can't love someone like this OP. Once you are out of the pit, you will realise that you didn't love him, it's a fear, a neediness, of being lonely, of being old, of being alone forever.

In your own heart and soul you know it's not right.

Is there a friend or family member who would stay with you for a couple of days? If so, get them to stay, tell him he's out and make arrangements for him to collect his belongings.

He's made your Christmas miserable- let this be the last one he's made miserable- use this as a low point and from here the only way is up.

I can promise you one thing, you will NOT regret getting out of it.

Agree re therapy. But I think you already know what you should do.

Good luck with it OP!!

Aufbau

OP, now is your chance while he's away. Ring women's aid while you have peace to talk on the phone to them and time to think.

Idle Passerby

Honestly OP, things will start improving the second you decide to stop putting your efforts into fixing the situation with him and decide it's over. At first it will be hard but each day that passes you'll be gladder you did it. Its an amazing feeling to finally say "f*ck this sh1t!" And start taking your life back.

twill

Take the focus off your perceived helplessness and failings. He is beating you down, systematically, and making you feel useless and powerless. Stop ruminating on your part in this - that is for another day. Take back control of your life, change the locks and inform the abuser of when he can pick up his things. Once you are rid of him (and I mean completely rid - no communication whatever), you will realise you don't need him. Honestly.

Do ring Women's Aid or look up some guidelines on how to leave someone like this, because he may lash out. But realise that your feeling of inadequacy is tied up with this relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

Does he pay anything towards the apartment? Rent/bills? As I have said on this thread, you need to be very careful where you stand legally with this fella.

He doesn't like you, let alone love you. He has form when it comes to treating women like sh!t, going by what his ex texted. But now, he not only has he got someone to mentally abuse and bully but he has a roof over his head. Of course he didn't want you to throw him out last time around. Not only had you shown some backbone and kicked him to the kerb (why oh why did you not block his number?

) but you'd also left him homeless. You didn't say where you live but I bet where he's living now is a damn sight cheaper and nicer than anywhere else he'd go. Plus, he can bully you, have you cowering, treading on eggshells and pleading for his attention. It's a win win from his perspective.

Do you have anybody in your family you can turn to for help? Often, your own family can see a lot more than you think they can. If they care about you, they'd crawl across broken glass to get that "boyfriend" of yours out of your apartment and out of your life. Please don't do nothing.

Ursus Horribilis

Here's another thought for you to chew on. You said you want a happy relationship. Every day this horrible man is under your roof is a day wasted. Just think. If you'd stayed split from him, you could've been spending this Christmas with someone nicer. Or you could've been out socialising with your friends at a time of year when a lot more people are out, including nice single men in their thirties. You're only with him a short space of time and you're miserable. How does another 40 years of this appeal to you?

Fakediamond

I really hope you'll find the strength to change the locks while he's away, and to send him a text to say you can arrange a time for him to collect his stuff. Then arrange for someone else to be there when he comes over, while you stay away. I know that makes it sound easy but he honestly doesn't deserve even ONE more minute of your time. No need for long conversations, tears, promises he will break and further heartache for you. He will NEVER change and the sooner you end it,the sooner you can get on with the rest of your life.

New Year, new you, don't wait.

Emme

Fakediamond wrote: »

I really hope you'll find the strength to change the locks while he's away, and to send him a text to say you can arrange a time for him to collect his stuff. Then arrange for someone else to be there when he comes over, while you stay away. I know that makes it sound easy but he honestly doesn't deserve even ONE more minute of your time. No need for long conversations, tears, promises he will break and further heartache for you. He will NEVER change and the sooner you end it,the sooner you can get on with the rest of your life.

New Year, new you, don't wait.

This is good advice. The only way he will voluntarily leave is in 2 years time when he has a claim to half your apartment. Then he might walk, take a detour to the solicitors and claim half your property. Or else he will stay, start bringing other women around and if you complain he will say he owns half the property and he has a right to do what he wants.

Get rid. Now.