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Are people who have affairs/cheat bad people?

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People who have affairs, are they bad people? I know a woman who is cheating on her husband. I can't get over how such a seemingly nice person can be doing something so horrible to the man. Are people who have affairs/cheat on their OH's, bad people?

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professore

Walter H Price wrote: »

what about if the married person comes on to you ? what happens to there marriage family etc is on there head to be honest its their vow to keep or break not the other persons, that's the way i'd have always viewed it.

I was never looking for either of the married people i slept with to leave there family or whatever , i didn't pursue either of them, one i actually met out and didn't even know she was married until we'd already slept together a few times, but i wouldn't knock a gift horse in the mouth either , if they were game i wasn't saying no.

I would tape her and play it to her husband.

professore

Another guilty party or parties are "friends" or family who know what's going on and say nothing. These people are enabling the affair. The least I would do is an anonymous tipoff with some proof.

Walter H Price

Drumpot wrote: »

Of course you don't view it as your responsibility . . You have already slept with married people, having to face up to the damage you might of caused wouldn't be easy. Self delusion is strong in people who have done things they know deep down are morally corrupt.

If your comments are genuine, nobody will be able to educate you on what you have done wrong. You are already justifying your actions which gives people an idea of your interpretation of whats acceptable and what you feel responsible for.

To be frank, its a desperately selfish, self absorbed attitude, but don't let that get in the way of you taking care of yourself.

Bot of those girls marriages ended but to be honest i wasn't the first or last person either of them cheated with. Maybe if their husbands had of done a bit more to keep them happy they wouldn't have strayed.

I've not my time for the brotherhood of man BS, you get one shot around and were all in it for ourselves do whatever feels good and works for you, live in the moment and fk the consequences that's always been my attitude.

[Deleted User]

People are absolving themselves of responsibility for the consequences of their (in tandem with the married persons) actions. Of course they're part of a betrayal, of course they're responsible for enabling the betrayal. Of course it reflects badly on their own moral code that they won't care what happens as a result of their choices. Of course it's selfish.

If you are intimate with a married person, you are not obliged to care what happens to their partner or marriage, but if you don't it certainly marks you out as a bit of a sh!t.

tomwaterford

professore wrote: »

By that logic people who are drug dealers, or push drink on a recovering alcoholic, or giving a known murderer a gun are doing nothing wrong either. "Sure if I don't do it someone else will"

Exactly. ...it's not your job to look after and dictate someone else's lifew choices

I wouldn't do it like....but you can't be going about blaming someone calling them a home wreaker/cheater...when theyve had an affair......

That's literally leavibg the other person off the hook on responsibility....like saying they can't control themselves :rolleyes:

maudgonner

Walter H Price wrote: »

What about if all you want is no stings attached sex ?? that's as good with a married person as it is with a singleton in my experience, so no real concern about how it ends. The onus totally isn't on the non married or committed person they have made no commitment or vow to anybody, so why should they care.

There is no such thing as 'no strings attached' sex with someone who is married or in a relationship. They have strings attached to them.

Yes, they are far more to blame for breaking their commitment. But it's still a shít thing to do, to knowingly have sex with someone who's in a relationship.

Walter H Price

professore wrote: »

I would tape her and play it to her husband.

So you would fk up a marriage anyway just not have the sex , so is it just the sex you see as problematic ? ruining a marriage doesn't make you a bad person , sex does ? did that kind of thinking not die out with the dinosaurs ?

Goya

Walter H Price wrote: »

do whatever feels good and works for you, live in the moment and fk the consequences that's always been my attitude.

I assume "so long as it doesn't harm others" is implicit.

If so, well then you know there are boundaries to this "do whatever feels good" philosophy.

Having sex with someone else's spouse/partner is wrongdoing because it is, as Widdershins suggests, being an accomplice to marriage/relationship wrecking activities. Nobody is stopping you from doing it, it can be hard to resist no doubt, but don't fool yourself you're doing absolutely nothing wrong.

sbsquarepants

Drumpot wrote: »

Its a dangerously ignorant way to absolve yourself of personal responsibility. The phrase "own your sh*t" comes to mind. Its not a question of why you should care, more a question of taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions.

If you know a person is married and continue to have an affair, you are as much a part of the fallout as the person cheating. Its a total cop out attitude that you suggested. It would be like a soldier killing innocent people saying "well if I didn't do it, somebody else would of" as if they have no accountability for their actions.

If all you want is "no strings attached sex" with a married person you might need to take take a long hard look at your moral compass .

2 individuals marry - not the whole world. If you promise your husband or wife something - it is up to you to keep it, not anybody else. You and you alone are responsible for keeping or breaking your promises.

You don't go round shaking hands and saying thank you to every Tom, Dick and Harry for not sleeping with your wife do you? Why not? Because, simply, you don't owe them anything, they done nothing for you! It's your wife alone who gets the plaudits or the scorn.

What if Mr A was madly in love with Mrs B, but she wasn't interested in him, your classic unrequited love scenario. You getting with her is going to hurt him, should you let that stop you? Of course you shouldn't, that would be stupid. A certificate doesn't change things. If she is happy to go, then that's all the answer anyone should need. Who the hell are you or I to tell her how she should behave to suit another person - people aren't property!

professore

Walter H Price wrote: »

I wouldn't want my OH to cheat on me , i believe the lesson i leaned from the two married women i was with was to be fully involved in the relationship and make sure shes satisfied emotionally and sexually, be open communicate and stay in tune ... if she did cheat, my sense of anger and upset would come more at my own failing then at her infidelity.

Hahahahahaha! You know nothing about how the psychology of female cheating generally works! They are most likely to cheat on exactly the kind of man you are describing - in fact they seek them out. All that stuff that they say about not being happy and their husband not doing enough for them is a load of nonsense - it's just so they keep their man under control and forever thinking he's the problem when in fact it's her.

Tell me this Walter - did you treat the two married women you cheated with like princesses? Was it your caring personality and kindness that turned them on - since this was what they were missing in their relationships? Or was it they just wanted some strange d1ck?

If you don't believe me have a read of survivinginfidelity.com - the men's stories - they are almost ALL men who bent over backwards in every way possible to keep their women happy.

Walter H Price

Flimpson wrote: »

I assume "so long as it doesn't harm others" is implicit.

If so, well then you know there are boundaries to this "do whatever feels good" philosophy.

Having sex with someone else's spouse/partner is wrongdoing because it is, as Widdershins suggests, being an accomplice to marriage/relationship wrecking activities. Nobody is stopping you from doing it, it can be hard to resist no doubt, but don't fool yourself you're doing absolutely nothing wrong.

i guess i just don't see it that way , the hurt comes from the person breaking the vow , i made no vow , i never even met one of the lads, there marriages were both in the toilet for multiple reasons , i wasn't going out of my way to hurt anyone that wasn't my end game if it was a by product then i suppose my attitude would be ah well.

I've never put much stock in morals anyway, but can honestly say i never felt an ounce of guilt or regret about either of those two "relationships" i learnt allot from them and if i had the time over would do it again.

professore

sbsquarepants wrote: »

2 individuals marry - not the whole world. If you promise your husband or wife something - it is up to you to keep it, not anybody else. You and you alone are responsible for keeping or breaking your promises.

You don't go round shaking hands and saying thank you to every Tom, Dick and Harry for not sleeping with your wife do you? Why not? Because, simply you don't owe them anything, they done nothing for you! It's your wife alone who gets the plaudits or the scorn.

For me, if my wife cheats, it's on HER. If I cheat it's on ME - basically what you are saying in your last sentence. I'm not in the whole school of she was "led astray" bull****. That doesn't make whoever she or I cheated with whiter than the driven snow either though.

Colser

Going against the grain a little here but I'd still hold the person in the relationship that cheats 100% responsible rather than the person they do it with...if I'm with someone then I should be able to trust them and I can't account for people they meet who will do the dirt with them.

The majority of us in relationships have plenty opportunity to do it on nights out but most of us don't and would presume that our o/h wouldn't either but you live and learn and get your heart broken in the process.

BTW when I say I don't hold the other person responsible I don't mean that I don't wish them every misfortune known to man (the biaaatchðŸ˜) but they can only take what's available so it's the cheaters fault ultimately for the affairs ,ONS ect.

Be very interesting to get someone's view who cheated and regretted it,anyone know in that situation?ðŸ˜

Drumpot

Walter H Price wrote: »

Bot of those girls marriages ended but to be honest i wasn't the first or last person either of them cheated with. Maybe if their husbands had of done a bit more to keep them happy they wouldn't have strayed.

I've not my time for the brotherhood of man BS, you get one shot around and were all in it for ourselves do whatever feels good and works for you, live in the moment and fk the consequences that's always been my attitude.

Its not brotherhood of man BS, its actually basic respect for others. If you don't care about the consequences you shouldn't feel the need to add that the woman "slept with other men".

But, like I said, you dress it up however helps you live with your actions. .

tomwaterford

professore wrote: »

For me, if my wife cheats, it's on HER. If I cheat it's on ME - basically what you are saying in your last sentence. I'm not in the whole school of she was "led astray" bull****. That doesn't make whoever she or I cheated with whiter than the driven snow either though.

Aye....but the person he/she cheated with assuming they are single is not and should not be described as a cheater

Noone is that irrestible that someone can't say no and not cheat with them (I know folks have shte relationships etc....but going off with a single person isn't going to fix them)

Potatoeman

Walter H Price wrote: »

Still wouldn't view that as my responsibility , i never made any commitment to them to be honest i never even met the husbands of one of those two married women ... whatever happens after is on the person who broke their vows etc... they made a commitment , they broke it simple as.

I wouldn't want my OH to cheat on me , i believe the lesson i leaned from the two married women i was with was to be fully involved in the relationship and make sure shes satisfied emotionally and sexually, be open communicate and stay in tune ... if she did cheat, my sense of anger and upset would come more at my own failing then at her infidelity.

You have the possibility of their partner finding out and messing with your life though or just beating the **** out of you.

professore

Walter H Price wrote: »

i guess i just don't see it that way , the hurt comes from the person breaking the vow , i made no vow , i never even met one of the lads, there marriages were both in the toilet for multiple reasons ,

That they told you. You didn't even hear the other side of the story.

Walter H Price wrote: »

i wasn't going out of my way to hurt anyone that wasn't my end game if it was a by product then i suppose my attitude would be ah well.

I've never put much stock in morals anyway, but can honestly say i never felt an ounce of guilt or regret about either of those two "relationships" i learnt allot from them and if i had the time over would do it again.

Look, I don't care what your morals are, or if you even have any. That's up to yourself. But let's just say I don't think much of anyone with morals like this. You will say you don't care about that which is fair enough. I'd suggest you try to imagine being cheated on yourself and try to imagine what it might feel like.

professore

tomwaterford wrote: »

Aye....but the person he/she cheated with assuming they are single is not and should not be described as a cheater

Noone is that irrestible that someone can't say no and not cheat with them (I know folks have shte relationships etc....but going off with a single person isn't going to fix them)

Yes they are not a cheater, just an asshole.

Walter H Price

Potatoeman wrote: »

You have the possibility of their partner finding out and messing with your life though or just beating the **** out of you.

yeh i mean that's a risk like but it never happened so wouldn't dwell on it , i have no issue handling myself in a scrap anyway. either way its all in the past now im engaged myself so haven't been in this situation for 6 or so years now , i would never cheat on my own OH.

professore wrote: »

That they told you. You didn't even hear the other side of the story.

Look, I don't care what your morals are, or if you even have any. That's up to yourself. But let's just say I don't think much of anyone with morals like this. You will say you don't care about that which is fair enough. I'd suggest you try to imagine being cheated on yourself and try to imagine what it might feel like.

Like i said i do do regrets they were both great experiences wouldn't change it if i had the time over.

professore

Walter H Price wrote: »

Maybe if their husbands had of done a bit more to keep them happy they wouldn't have strayed.

Biggest lie of modern times. Men are not responsible for women's happiness. Like this guy: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/359138-wife-continues-affair-no-remorse-emotion-responsibility-her-actions.html There are hundreds and hundreds like him. Lots of men too, and the men are just as bad, but seem in the main less ruthless and own up to their actions a bit easier.

EDIT: Women are also not responsible for men's happiness either. If you have a partner who thinks it's your job to keep them happy in every way, you have a potential cheater on your hands.

I wasn't prepared for what happened next. On 6th November, I found a used emergency morning after pill packet in her handbag. I felt sick to the stomach. I delayed confronting her and decided to track her car for a week. She continued to visit the same address on a daily basis, so I decided to confront her about the morning after pill.

Her first story was that it was a one night stand, drunken, taken advantage of, had to get it out of her system, felt dreadful, blah, blah, blah. That didn't wash. The next day, she admitted she had an affair earlier in the year, work colleague, it was over, but she met him recently hence the morning after pill, drunken, taken advantage of, had to get it out of her system, felt dreadful, blah, blah, blah. The next day she advised that she was seeing someone from else work, recent thing and that they had recently started sleeping together. Three stories in three days, all involving infidelity, all like a dagger through the heart, all absolutely devastating. The cut a long story short, the first guy was made up, the second two exist and the affairs had/have taken place.

She continues the affair with number 3. She has shown absolutely no remorse, upset, guilt, empathy or taken any responsibility for her actions. She thinks she was within her rights to have both relationship as she 'hadn't been happy for a while'. I am absolutely staggered that she can act like this.

Okay, so here it is. We are still living under the same roof, which is a nightmare. My solicitor advised that I should stand my ground as it could effect custody rights, financials etc. You would imagine that she would have offered to move out, but she is hanging around like a bad smell and refuses to leave the house. She has even taken out a HR1 which prevents me from selling the house. Although she has advised she doesn't want a divorce because of the cost involved, she is taking legal advice around equity in the house, money in my business, pension and a flat I bought prior to our marriage. We have specified days to have the children, when she isn't at the house she has been quite open that she is with her new partner, which is tough.

I am an emotional wreck at the moment. I am trying to get head around a 6 month affair from earlier in the year. An ongoing affair which I am having my face rubbed into on a daily basis. The breakdown of my marriage to a women that I absolutely idolised. The logistics of bringing my children up as a part time dad. The financial strain it is going to put on me after settlement. And the biggest thing, that she doesn't seem to care in the slightest and is carrying on as if nothing has happened.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Drumpot

Walter H Price wrote: »

i guess i just don't see it that way , the hurt comes from the person breaking the vow , i made no vow , i never even met one of the lads, there marriages were both in the toilet for multiple reasons , i wasn't going out of my way to hurt anyone that wasn't my end game if it was a by product then i suppose my attitude would be ah well.

I've never put much stock in morals anyway, but can honestly say i never felt an ounce of guilt or regret about either of those two "relationships" i learnt allot from them and if i had the time over would do it again.

Doing something that you know will damage other people for self gratification is a sh*tty act no matter what way its explained.

professore

The cheaters script : http://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2014/01/31/rewriting-history/

Keep an eye out for all of these if you are accused of not making your husband or wife "happy".

sbsquarepants

professore wrote: »

For me, if my wife cheats, it's on HER. If I cheat it's on ME - basically what you are saying in your last sentence. I'm not in the whole school of she was "led astray" bull****. That doesn't make whoever she or I cheated with whiter than the driven snow either though.

Sure who is as pure as the driven snow?

But in that situation, there's only one person who has crossed you.

Say your wife is a drinker, not a cheater. She's promised you she won't drink anymore, but lo and behold she takes town by storm and drinks the kids Christmas pressies - who is to blame, her or the barman? Only one of them has broken a promise!

sbsquarepants

I am an emotional wreck at the moment. I am trying to get head around a 6 month
affair from earlier in the year. An ongoing affair which I am having my face
rubbed into on a daily basis. The breakdown of my marriage to a women that
I absolutely idolised. The logistics of bringing my children up as a
part time dad. The financial strain it is going to put on me after settlement.
And the biggest thing, that she doesn't seem to care in the slightest and is
carrying on as if nothing has happened.

You know the expression, it takes two to tango - it applies to marriage as well as infidelity. Just because you idolise someone doesn't mean jack shít if it's a one way street - which it clearly is here.
Are we supposed to feel sorry for this guy or something? I don't get it. He is clearly being complicit in his own humiliation, I actually feel more sorry for his wife - I mean Jesus Christ, take the hint and let the woman be will you!

Stalkers idolise people. If you idolise anybody you are setting yourself on a slippery slope to misery and disappointment.

Dickie10

i was with a married woman in a nightclub back in june, she texted me and rang me fairly often after that. her husband works away on an oil rig. she rang me to come over to the house one day in november. we watched a movie, drank tea and of course had sex, which was always on the cards. im single and 33 shes 42. i felt like a bastrd for doing it, but id love to do it again. she talks about the kids a lot to me, that makes me feel very uncomfortable

professore

sbsquarepants wrote: »

You know the expression, it takes two to tango - it applies to marriage as well as infidelity. Just because you idolise someone doesn't mean jack shít if it's a one way street - which it clearly is here.
Are we supposed to feel sorry for this guy or something? I don't get it. He is clearly being complicit in his own humiliation, I actually feel more sorry for his wife - I mean Jesus Christ, take the hint and let the woman be will you!

Stalkers idolise people. If you idolise anybody you are setting yourself on a slippery slope to misery and disappointment.

I was replying to Walter Price's idea that treating a woman well will ensure she doesn't cheat. So I agree with you in a way. However you should cut the guy some slack, he didn't see the train coming. But then again people like you have no empathy, so you couldn't understand how someone in that situation might feel.

And yeah he should "let her be", i.e. **** her out on her ear - which is what many DO end up doing when they finally see the light, although they often end up with 50% of everything. Some never do.

professore

Dickie10 wrote: »

i was with a married woman in a nightclub back in june, she texted me and rang me fairly often after that. her husband works away on an oil rig. she rang me to come over to the house one day in november. we watched a movie, drank tea and of course had sex, which was always on the cards. im single and 33 shes 42. i felt like a bastrd for doing it, but id love to do it again. she talks about the kids a lot to me, that makes me feel very uncomfortable

She is worse than you. If she was confronted by the husband she would make up some bull**** about him being away too much and how she got "lonely" - and you would have lots nodding their head in sympathy. Reverse the roles and you wouldn't see much sympathy for a man in the same situation.

I was in a situation once with a woman that I really fancied, both sexually and personally, and I had the means and the opportunity, and I knew it would be good. I backed out of it - one of the hardest things I ever did. So I get why you would do it, and at least you see that you are wrong, so you have some sort of a conscience, unlike some others on here.

Widdershins

sbsquarepants wrote: »

You know the expression, it takes two to tango - it applies to marriage as well as infidelity. Just because you idolise someone doesn't mean jack shít if it's a one way street - which it clearly is here.
Are we supposed to feel sorry for this guy or something? I don't get it. He is clearly being complicit in his own humiliation, I actually feel more sorry for his wife - I mean Jesus Christ, take the hint and let the woman be will you!

Stalkers idolise people. If you idolise anybody you are setting yourself on a slippery slope to misery and disappointment.

Idolise is a figure of speech though. Better than ''I could take her or leave her most days but she was a good ol' girl really''

Goya

Walter H Price wrote: »

what about if the married person comes on to you ?

Nobody excluded that scenario. You have the choice to spurn their advances of course. I am not saying it's not difficult (a very attractive married man propositioned me one night and I was extremely tempted; I resisted but I can see how someone would be unable to - if I had done so, I may have felt nothing for his wife, but I would still have recognised that what I did was wrong and helping to destroy a marriage). I'm not saying you're a horrible evil person - you may not feel guilty for it, you may have enjoyed it, how it affected their husbands may not have resonated in any way with you... and you've every right to feel that way. But it doesn't change that you actively enabled someone's infidelity to their spouse. And saying you had no responsibility is like saying someone who actually goes into a shop and robs something is not responsible for doing it. Of course you are responsible for an actual act that you carried out!

All people are saying is that you and others are in denial and shirking responsibility - but you can't be stopped feeling the way you feel.

sbsquarepants wrote: »

You know the expression, it takes two to tango - it applies to marriage as well as infidelity.

Exactly... but you say that single people who have affairs with people in relationships are not to blame, only the cheater.

Obviously both are to blame - if moreso the cheater. It seems to be the one situation where cognitive dissonance gets to farcical proportions and a person who actually does something is absolved of that act - I get the impression that some people just want to make themselves feel better about what they have done. And they're certainly not in a position to be critical of infidelity if they have enabled it.