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How come Tinder is so difficult?

BabyE

Anyone have success off it, why do standards seem to be through the roof nowadays. You got to have the good facial looks, the immaculate hair, amazing body, height, charisma and all the trappings of high status and wealth and then maybe, just maybe you might snag yourself a ticket using the rebound card.
What is it? Are we seeing a breathing out of the average male? Is a men only as good as his worse attribute to a women? So you might have a ripped well maintained body but by god if you are below 6 foot or that face isn't as symmetrical as it ought to be then you may as well sign out of the dating game.

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Pawwed Rig

People still get married and have children. Modern dating sounds like a bit of a numbers game meat market so I'm glad I dont need to be involved. At some point people hook up. It is just a matter of patience imo.

Tony EH

Tinder is fecking ejits picking people by photograph, what do you expect OP?

Like Pawwed Rig above, I thank christ I never had to go near any of that online crap for a girl. Pubs, drink and yapping, that was my tinder. :pac:

I know a few people, all women actually, that use it. But they've all been disappointed.

Avatar MIA

Tinder? *shudders*

So, you've a long list of people to choose from, why are you going to show interest in anyone but the most desirable (male of female?)

You might throw in a few 'I'd settle for' but unless you are above average, you know you've been picked as a fail safe. :pac:

I say this as someone who has never entered the cornucopia (literally the horn of plenty :pac: ) that is tinder.

ligerdub

Whack of gargle off this thread ha!

Surreptitious

Most of the profiles on Tinder are fake.

enzo roco

BabyE wrote: »

Anyone have success off it, why do standards seem to be through the roof nowadays. You got to have the good facial looks, the immaculate hair, amazing body, height, charisma and all the trappings of high status and wealth and then maybe, just maybe you might snag yourself a ticket using the rebound card.
What is it? Are we seeing a breathing out of the average male? Is a men only as good as his worse attribute to a women? So you might have a ripped well maintained body but by god if you are below 6 foot or that face isn't as symmetrical as it ought to be then you may as well sign out of the dating game.

Good rant there. But you need a bit of cop on juice...

From reading that rubbish, I can guarantee that you have only swiped for stunning women. Im guessing you are early 20s also. Dating is a tricky game, and online dating is very very hard. You have to be patient and not take everything to heart.
Also, have you ever rejected a woman for not looking perfect??? I know the answer is yes, so cop on to yourself. Everyone has different types. There are some women who dont look for the 6ft+, ripped, wealthy man, and also there are some men that dont look for the perfect model either.

Breathing out of the average male???? What are you on about???

Change the attitude, and enjoy dating more ffs.

ligerdub

Also bear in mind it suggests you're putting up shirtless pics....something which is going to put a lot of women off. It might be a more successful approach to a smaller share of women mind, but sure who knows.

Dial Hard

Surreptitious wrote:

Most of the profiles on Tinder are fake.

You can tell the fake ones a mile off, though. Ireland is so small that it's practically impossible not to have at least secondary connections in common with pretty much everyone.

Ben Gadot

Tinder is a hard game as you can tell women have plenty of options on it.

At the end of the day you can't beat having the neck to approach someone on a night out. Apps like Tinder encourage the wrong things in looking for a "match".

Amirani

Read someone else's thoughts on this recently which I thought hit the nail on the head a bit.

Tinder can work for sure (a few friends of mine are in LTRs from it); if you're patient and not overly picky then you'll get some matches, dates or whatever. Getting anything meaningful though can be tricky I think because: girls will get so many matches because so many guys will swipe right to almost everything. As a result, girls have to be almost overly picky (they can't talk to/date everyone so there has to be some filter), and generally this will manifest itself in being picky towards the best looking guys (and why wouldn't it, there ain't many other metrics to use on Tinder). As a result, this best looking guys - lets say top 20-30% will get a lot of action on Tinder, and can then afford to be almost picky themselves. So you're narrowing down the success percentages quite a bit here. Obviously this is quite a vague view, but there's probably some element of truth to it.

Generally a situation like you have above would sort itself out over time, like any supply/demand relationship in a market. However, most people get quite disillusioned quite quickly on Tinder/Online Dating (understandably, its quite personal and can be hurtful) and don't stay around long enough. In the real world, some of the same limitations don't really apply; you have access to more info than a basic profile, and you'll naturally spend time around potential partners due to work, recreation etc.

Tl;dr - Tinder can work - but you definitely gotta be patient and not take rejections to heart.

mzungu

You need to come off Tinder OP. It doesn't sound like it's doing your head much good.

As an aside, I guess dating is one of the few areas in life that has been made immeasurably harder as a result of technology.

danko82

Tinder is very hard work, 1000 swipe right, 50 matches, 10 replies, 3 dates, I didn't like 2...omg...so much wasted time.

Arevaci

Why online dating is so difficult for men is a dilemma, given that the gender ratio is 1:1 and you’d imagine women are as equally interested in relationships as men. People will present complex arguments about culture, how men are doing the wrong things etc., but it ultimately comes down to this – men’s level of sexual arousal on dating sites is massively higher than women’s. Men are turned on by the idea of anonymity and no commitment sex and will significantly drop their standards to get this. Women prefer sex where there is some sort of connection or commitment so they will have very high standards for random hook ups. The average girl will limit her choices to very attractive guys (~ top 15%) or guys who make her laugh and connect with her emotionally (assuming he was good looking enough to let her talk to her).

So really the supply and demand is not actually 1:1, but I’d say about 10:1 in favour of women on an app like tinder – that is, at any one time about 10% of women are looking for a hook up compared to 99.7% of men. As the site or app because more explicitly geared towards hook ups, the ratio will increase in favour of women. One piece of evidence for this was the Ashley Madison leaks which showed a 20:1 ratio in favour of women. As the app or site moves towards relationships, connection and commitment, the power balance towards women will decline. For example, I’m sure on those sugardaddy websites that guys get lots of messages, even though the same 40 year old guys may never get a like on their photo on tinder.

In the same way connection increases face to face so the female power balance isn’t as strong in real life. For example, the average gets has about a 2% match rate on tinder. I’m sure if this average guy approached a woman every weekend for two years he would have a have more than two weekend of success.

So ultimately if non-ridiculously good looking guy wants to have consistent success on tinder they have to put a huge amount of effort into their messages, make the girl feel special and try to get a unique connection (e.g., talk to them about how terrible their last boyfriend was). But personally I find this effort too much and too cynical that I try to limit my efforts to a Friday night out where my chances of success are about 30 times higher than behind a iphone.

[Deleted User]

mzungu wrote: »

As an aside, I guess dating is one of the few areas in life that has been made immeasurably harder as a result of technology.

This. I'm glad someone said it. These dating apps have changed the whole dynamics of dating to make it infinitely better for some guys and infinitely worse for most.

Everyone nowadays is cynical (over-informed/overeducated due to hearing opinions which ultimate disseminated from internet discussons?) about romance, "love", marriage, relationships. There is no innocence any more in anyone when it comes to relationships, it is as if everyone acknowledges nowadays that they are engaged in a social transaction of sorts when it comes to going out with someone. The era of people being blissfully ignorant to anything (think religion being taken for granted by popular culture now as being bull ... wikileaks type stuff etc..) ended once the internet became widespread.

It has always been easier for girls to receive attention than lads but it has become ridiculous now: girls joining these apps in their teens nowadays will, by their mid 20s, have spent 10 years being told by lads that they basically look great (even if they don't) and this will lead them to think so highly of themselves that in the long run they will be even pickier than they were before.

Because it is so easy to get chatting with someone online, people can meet up knowing that if they don't like every single thing about them they can just move on to one of the other infinite people online. This is 100 times (at least) more the case for girls than lads. Women are much less patient, tolerant of flaws, willing to compromise.

Compared to say 20 years ago, lads are burning themselves into the ground in an effort to meet the baseline requirements of women nowadays - it used to be the exception to be good-looking, have a good job, be in crazy good shape, super-popular, tall, obviously socially dominant, immaculately dressed and groomed etc. but nowadays these seem to be basic requirements of all girls. Media exposure to super good-looking celebrities as a result of, firstly cable tv, but nextly and vastly much moreso the internet, has warped womens idea of what should be considered normal. But because women are in the driving seat when it comes to the deciding whether a relationship happens or not, they can demand as high as they want and men will do whatever they can to meet the demands. Or else they will accept they can't and "go their own way" as that thing goes.

And in order to get with the top few percent of lads they actually fancy and would be proud to show off to the world, women are engaged in an arms race with each other to look as good-looking as possible, have as good a career as possible (even though lads actually don't place that much importance on this), use advanced make-up techniques (ever notice nearly every girl nowadays *actually is* good-looking?), taking tonnes of photographs and picking the best and then using (only image enhancing) snapchat filters and photoshop etc. before putting them online to get complimented on their looks and compete with their friends for validation over their appearance etc...

Life for most used to be about making enough money to get by, now it seems more concerned with neurotic stuff like all this. Two people with low enough aspirations would meet naturally in the workplace or while socialising and even though neither probably thought the other was perfect, they still felt something of an attraction and once the social tensions were somewhat broken between them they were both so grateful for that that they were each willing to give each other a chance - "court" each other. Compared that to the high-pressure, joyless situation nowadays - mind burnt out from life in the 21st century and as you look for some companionship to sooth your troubles you and everyone else your age thinking the same thing goes onto their phone, numbly swipes person after person, only to be confronted with the reality that what the girls on the other end are thinking is "be perfect in the most shallow sense or "F" off, and even if you are perfect there are a million others like you". The old days weren't *all* bad.

I could talk all day about this stuff, it seems so very obviously worse to me than things were in the past.. for the vast majority concerned at least.

Surreptitious

Dial Hard wrote: »

You can tell the fake ones a mile off, though. Ireland is so small that it's practically impossible not to have at least secondary connections in common with pretty much everyone.

I hate that app and never even had one date off it. I'm female btw.

BabyE

Deleted User wrote: »

This. I'm glad someone said it. These dating apps have changed the whole dynamics of dating to make it infinitely better for some guys and infinitely worse for most.

I could talk all day about this stuff, it seems so very obviously worse to me than things were in the past.. for the vast majority concerned at least.

Its really sad to be honest, nobody ever mentions this in any discussion, young guys nowadays have it so tough. It really can get you down.

[Deleted User]

BabyE wrote: »

Its really sad to be honest, nobody ever mentions this in any discussion, young guys nowadays have it so tough. It really can get you down.

I agree and I would highlight the last bit. It is completely valid to feel down about the state of things - don't let others who are ignorant about how much things have changed or are in denial because reality is too depressing to contemplate or who are among the few who benefit from the state of things, tell you otherwise. We all want to feel attractive and desired by a partner and not to be made feel socially worthless. In the old days when nobody had access to this technology, everyones' aspirations and expectations were lower and so people were more easily satisfied and life rolled on. People want to know why so many young men are killing themselves? Part of it is that many features of nowadays promote a situation wherby a much greater percentage of the male population feels socially worthless than previously was the case.

Olishi4

I don't really know much about tinder but I get the jist of it. It's funny because to me the whole swipe right or left thing is almost like manually taking time to do what your eyes do in a split second when you have a look around a room.

The difference is though, that on tinder, you make a decision to swipe there and then whereas irl, you might see a few people and think they are ok but be a bit more reserved or wait for other signals before you make it known that you like the other person. You could go and make conversation and decide "not my cup of tea" but you haven't said that you find them attractive (on tinder you kind of have by swiping right) so irl when the conversation doesn't go well, you don't necessarily feel the feelings of rejection as harsh because you are more aloof about it, even with yourself.

On tinder you are there for only that purpose so because you have made these efforts to interact with someone, if they don't match, it will feel like more of a rejection and it seems like some are even counting it by numbers. It doesn't matter if the other person doesn't know you swiped right, you know you did and you didn't match so you end up feeling rejected where, in real life, you probably would have more information to suss whether you like them or not before making that "swipe right" action and the amount of people you swipe right on is probably a lot bigger than the amount you would make the effort to chat to irl so that's probably why it's getting some down.

leggo

I sometimes feel like this while swiping, then I realise I haven't swiped right on someone for 5 minutes and either haven't chatted to or made any kind of an effort with the people I've matched with.

Tinder is cheap and easy. So people use it as such. I know myself I only ever really use it for validation, then I match a few or have a fun/meaningful chat with someone and I'm done with it for a week. Having said that I'm supposed to meet up with someone from Tinder later tonight.

I'm not saying this to be cocky or anything, but I really don't find dating hard anymore. Yes you have to make an effort to be someone other people want to be with (so eat well, keep in-shape, groom and dress well etc) and be proactive about it, but for the past few years whenever I've wanted someone around I've been able to get them relatively quickly, and I'm no jacked model by any means. And when I look back the only slumps or dry spells I had was when I wasn't really happy with myself or wanted changes, so I got proactive about it.

Tinder/POF/the club scene, it's all the same. If you're proactive and positive in general, you'll do relatively well. If you're not and feel sorry for yourself, people will pick up on that and won't want to be around it.

professore

leggo wrote: »

I sometimes feel like this while swiping, then I realise I haven't swiped right on someone for 5 minutes and either haven't chatted to or made any kind of an effort with the people I've matched with.

Tinder is cheap and easy. So people use it as such. I know myself I only ever really use it for validation, then I match a few or have a fun/meaningful chat with someone and I'm done with it for a week. Having said that I'm supposed to meet up with someone from Tinder later tonight.

I'm not saying this to be cocky or anything, but I really don't find dating hard anymore. Yes you have to make an effort to be someone other people want to be with (so eat well, keep in-shape, groom and dress well etc) and be proactive about it, but for the past few years whenever I've wanted someone around I've been able to get them relatively quickly, and I'm no jacked model by any means. And when I look back the only slumps or dry spells I had was when I wasn't really happy with myself or wanted changes, so I got proactive about it.

Tinder/POF/the club scene, it's all the same. If you're proactive and positive in general, you'll do relatively well. If you're not and feel sorry for yourself, people will pick up on that and won't want to be around it.

With all due respect, what a load of bull****. I grew up in the pre Tinder era and I knew guys like you too. Never could figure out whether you had no self awareness or just were saying stuff like that to brag. I think the latter. Many guys like you have no personality, boring as hell and are thick as sh1t but yet women will say they are interesting, fun and intelligent. Not saying you or all good looking guys are like this, but many are. Also what guys think is good looking in a guy is not necessarily what girls think is good looking. Vice versa too, that Carrie one from Sex and the City looks like a horse yet other women think she's a babe.

It's all about looks for women. They just lie about it. If anything they are worse than men. They will marry a less attractive guy, but that's just for security and money. They don't actually "love" him.I was popular with girls as a teenager until I got acne. Then the same girls that were all over me before were not interested at all. Let's be honest about it. It's all looks. Tinder amplifies that.

I'd say to guys to not think about women and get on with making something of yourself. Get in shape. Dress well. Talk to strangers. Be funny. You'll get women that way.

[Deleted User]

Maybe your chat up game isn't that good....

ligerdub

Great posts OnionBelt

[Deleted User]

One relevant point worth stating:

For most men, "just being their natural selves" will lead to them being considered unattractive as partners by most women. When it comes to getting with women, men engage in enormous amounts of acting, posturing and behaviour which is unnatural to them.

Most women can "just be themselves" and they will be considered attractive by the majority of men - at worst, the only two things they need to concern themselves with is their physique and how much effort they devote to make-up.

This is seen again on the likes of tinder where it is up to the man to put on an act and engage in a conversation with the ultimate intention of eventually getting with the girl. Which is fair enough, it's just human nature that a man should lead the way and a girl expect the lad to put in the effort, but it is another way in which dating apps benefit, in my view, women a lot more than men.

TooMuchWork

Anybody I know who uses Tinder (20-25, all in Uni) only use it for a creep when they're bored, and sometimes a message. I have around 400 matches on it but don't really have an interest in using it to meet or date people. I've met up with three people by using it, two of which I'd already known before Tinder, and the other because I was drunk when she started texting and we were going to the same club. I think most people around this age don't really have an interest in relationships via tinder. It's more of time-killer.

Surreptitious

Deleted User wrote: »

One relevant point worth stating:

For most men, "just being their natural selves" will lead to them being considered unattractive as partners by most women. When it comes to getting with women, men engage in enormous amounts of acting, posturing and behaviour which is unnatural to them.

Most women can "just be themselves" and they will be considered attractive by the majority of men - at worst, the only two things they need to concern themselves with is their physique and how much effort they devote to make-up.

This is seen again on the likes of tinder where it is up to the man to put on an act and engage in a conversation with the ultimate intention of eventually getting with the girl. Which is fair enough, it's just human nature that a man should lead the way and a girl expect the lad to put in the effort, but it is another way in which dating apps benefit, in my view, women a lot more than men.

This is not the case. I get a lot of critique on my personality, looks, weight, my financial status and my social life. It's like you're laid bare by men when you go on these things. Personal experience by men does not dictate overall experience by other men. Men don't seem to be happy no matter how good you look or what you have achieved. If I had ten PhD's someone would still complain about me. And the ones doing the critique are usually not great looking at all themselves.

Surreptitious

TooMuchWork wrote: »

Anybody I know who uses Tinder (20-25, all in Uni) only use it for a creep when they're bored, and sometimes a message. I have around 400 matches on it but don't really have an interest in using it to meet or date people. I've met up with three people by using it, two of which I'd already known before Tinder, and the other because I was drunk when she started texting and we were going to the same club. I think most people around this age don't really have an interest in relationships via tinder. It's more of time-killer.

It's basically a hook up tool by people saying, oh are you in town now, I'll meet you in ten minutes rather than actually arranging proper dates. It's convenience hence the location thing on it.

professore

Surreptitious wrote: »

This is not the case. I get a lot of critique on my personality, looks, weight, my financial status and my social life. It's like you're laid bare by men when you go on these things. Personal experience by men does not dictate overall experience by other men. Men don't seem to be happy no matter how good you look or what you have achieved. If I had ten PhD's someone would still complain about me. And the ones doing the critique are usually not great looking at all themselves.

That's called negging, a common PUA (pick up artist) technique. Clearly it works - can't understand why, if it were me, when a girl started that crap of critiquing me i immediately lost all interest in her. Playful slagging is fine but deliberate put downs - no way. Seems lots of women like that bad boy stuff, hence why so many guys are doing it.

Surreptitious

professore wrote: »

That's called negging, a common PUA (pick up artist) technique. Clearly it works - can't understand why, if it were me, when a girl started that crap of critiquing me i immediately lost all interest in her. Playful slagging is fine but deliberate put downs - no way. Seems lots of women like that bad boy stuff, hence why so many guys are doing it.

I don't like it. It's like they're dragging you through the mud. I'm pretty straight forward it's not like they have to come up with this wicked plan or anything. It reeks of dissent and it sickens me. I don't see how playing on your weaknesses is going to help you get laid anyway.

leggo

professore wrote: »

With all due respect, what a load of bull****. I grew up in the pre Tinder era and I knew guys like you too. Never could figure out whether you had no self awareness or just were saying stuff like that to brag. I think the latter. Many guys like you have no personality, boring as hell and are thick as sh1t but yet women will say they are interesting, fun and intelligent. Not saying you or all good looking guys are like this, but many are. Also what guys think is good looking in a guy is not necessarily what girls think is good looking. Vice versa too, that Carrie one from Sex and the City looks like a horse yet other women think she's a babe.

It's all about looks for women. They just lie about it. If anything they are worse than men. They will marry a less attractive guy, but that's just for security and money. They don't actually "love" him.I was popular with girls as a teenager until I got acne. Then the same girls that were all over me before were not interested at all. Let's be honest about it. It's all looks. Tinder amplifies that.

I'd say to guys to not think about women and get on with making something of yourself. Get in shape. Dress well. Talk to strangers. Be funny. You'll get women that way.

I mean...thanks, I guess, for thinking I'm one of the beautiful people but I'm really not. You kinda lambasted me then in your last paragraph made a near-identical list to the one I gave myself. My point was 'dating isn't hard if you become someone people want to be around'. A lot of guys struggle because they make random excuses like "all women lie and they only want dumb, good-looking guys"...which is just an excuse for people not to try. But why would people want to be with guys who are bitter and angry about their lot in life, spouting crap like that that just isn't true?

clairek6

ligerdub wrote: »

Also bear in mind it suggests you're putting up shirtless pics....something which is going to put a lot of women off. It might be a more successful approach to a smaller share of women mind, but sure who knows.

This - if I see a shirtless pic or a load of bathroom selfies it's definitely a no.