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Warning signs or am I overracting

LegacyUser

So I've been dating this girl for about 2 months now, we get on fairly effortlessly, similar outlooks on life and electric sex. First girl in a few years that would make me want to settle down for, because as fun as single life has been, nothing beats feeling a connection on that level.

Well at least I thought that until Saturday night, we were having a great time as usual, having a few drinks at my place. She went off to the bathroom and upon exiting she said half jokingly 'so have you had many woman back here recently?' to which I replied with a confused 'sorry?'. Unbeknownst to me there were a couple of female toiletries (spray/conditioner) which my sister had left there earlier in the week. I explained this to her, was probably a little on the curt side as didn't really like the accusational nature of her question, even if she wasn't all that serious. Then for whatever reason she thought this would be a good time to ask me would I like to make our relationship exclusive. I told her that was definitely the direction I had seen us going, and that I haven't dated anyone else since our 2nd date but perhaps we wait another little while longer. It just didn't feel right to me at that time to reward suspicious behaviour like that.

Anyway for the first time things got a little awkward after that, she went a bit into herself, almost seemed a bit embarrassed. She made a fairly weak excuse and left shortly after. Neither of us have contacted each other since. It's obviously a very silly thing to have fallen out over and as much as I want to make the next move and call her first, I'm not sure her reaction was all that mature and has me questioning a few things. At the same time losing someone potentially special over something so trivial would be a shame. So should I stick to convictions or contact her?

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HiGlo

Unsurepete wrote: »

It's obviously a very silly thing to have fallen out over and as much as I want to make the next move and call her first, I'm not sure her reaction was all that mature and has me questioning a few things. At the same time losing someone potentially special over something so trivial would be a shame. So should I stick to convictions or contact her?

The first thing that has struck me about your post is the game playing and lack of communication….. From both of you, but mostly you.
Surely if you like this girl and would like to progress into something serious then it’s a bit foolish to be playing games. The irony of you questioning the maturity of her response to you when you had earlier responded to her with equal immaturity. :pac:

Let me put this perspective of it to you;
She really likes you and is happy with how things are progressing and hoping for more. Then she notices the toiletries and wonders “have I been reading things all wrong? Is this just casual for him? Is he seeing other people??” So, as she gets the kick in the stomach of that potential reality she decides how to address it with you. Not wanting to appear overly keen (esp if she is trying to gauge your level of interest) she brings it up half jokingly… The response she seems to get from you then is vague and non-commital so that affirms (for her) her belief that you’re not genuinely interested in her and she’s hurt and upset and thinking that she’s setting herself up for rejection so she leaves.
Her lack of communication here is also causing the problem, but “punishing” her for trying to get a feel for where she stands with you by being non-commital in your response probably wasn’t a good way to go….

If you genuinely like this girl and would like to see her again, stop with the game playing and get in touch with her. Simple.

njs030

Unsurepete wrote: »

I don't really think it's a contradiction. In my eyes it felt like we were in a relationship based on how much time we spent together and just the way we were around each other.

If you thought you were in a relationship surely that should have been your answer when she asked were you exclusive? "Are we exclusive" "I've been thinking that for a while" "great, me too what film shall we watch?"
Rather than 'oh no how dare you the woman I'm sleeping with wonder why there's woman's beauty products in my bathroom and have the absolute cheek to ask me in a fun and non-confrontational manner! I shall react by making you feel like you don't matter to me at all and ignore you for x number of days afterwards too.'

Believe it or not, while you might have thought you were in a relationship when you didn't discuss or communicate this to her she didn't know, how could she? How could you know that's what she wanted if you didn't discuss it?
You have to talk to people op. You know....the way she did to you!

LLMMLL

HiGlo wrote: »

Let me put this perspective of it to you;
She really likes you and is happy with how things are progressing and hoping for more. Then she notices the toiletries and wonders “have I been reading things all wrong? Is this just casual for him? Is he seeing other people??” So, as she gets the kick in the stomach of that potential reality she decides how to address it with you. Not wanting to appear overly keen (esp if she is trying to gauge your level of interest) she brings it up half jokingly… The response she seems to get from you then is vague and non-commital so that affirms (for her) her belief that you’re not genuinely interested in her and she’s hurt and upset and thinking that she’s setting herself up for rejection so she leaves.
Her lack of communication here is also causing the problem, but “punishing” her for trying to get a feel for where she stands with you by being non-commital in your response probably wasn’t a good way to go….

You can make any behaviour seem acceptable/unacceptable by putting it in a certain perspective. For example, she noticed the toiletries and overreacted, rather than assuming it was an exes or family members she becomes suspicious. She doesn't want to look crazy so instead of discussing exclusivity, she makes a passive aggressive joke to try and get the OP to reassure her. The OP doesn't like her attitude so honestly tells her he has not seen anyone else but needs a little longer before committing. She punishes him by ignoring him and setting up another date etc.

Dial Hard

Yellow pack crisps wrote:

A bigger red flag would be that she arranged a date a few days after asking for exclusitivity!

The woman was shot down in flames when she asked for exclusivity. I wouldn't begrudge anyone a date to boost the confidence after that.

pookie82

To everyone saying she's just as bad for setting up a date herself ... I don't buy this. After a mortified and humiliating few days of realising she'd been both shot down and shut out (for making a jokey enquiry, might I add) I'm sure she thought to herself "f*ck this, wasting time on a guy who won't commit after 2 months, I may as well date someone who does want me."

No reflection on her feelings for the OP, she was just picking herself up, dusting herself off and going back out there. Something she'd never have entertained until the OP did what he did.

Again, OP, all I'm seeing in your version of events is contradictions. If, to you, you were all but officially in a relationship anyways ("In my eyes it felt like we were in a relationship based on how much time we spent together and just the way we were around each other"), why oh why did you shut her down when the topic arose? Saying it's because she had the audacity to ask a reasonable question brings us right back to the original problem ... you're not mature enough for a relationship. People in relationships are allowed to ask questions, especially when they pertain to their own emotional or sexual welfare.

LLMMLL

pookie82 wrote: »

To everyone saying she's just as bad for setting up a date herself ... I don't buy this. After a mortified and humiliating few days of realising she'd been both shot down and shut out (for making a jokey enquiry, might I add) I'm sure she thought to herself "f*ck this, wasting time on a guy who won't commit after 2 months, I may as well date someone who does want me."

It sounds more like a half-baked idea from a group of her friends to put him in his place. If this guy actually exists, do you think its fair of her to start something with him while on the phone crying to the OP about the weekend?

Again, OP, all I'm seeing in your version of events is contradictions. If, to you, you were all but officially in a relationship anyways ("In my eyes it felt like we were in a relationship based on how much time we spent together and just the way we were around each other"), why oh why did you shut her down when the topic arose? Saying it's because she had the audacity to ask a reasonable question brings us right back to the original problem ... you're not mature enough for a relationship. People in relationships are allowed to ask questions, especially when they pertain to their own emotional or sexual welfare.

People in relationships are allowed ask questions but they're not allowed answer them? All he did was say a bit more time was needed before commitment.

SB_Part2

LLMMLL wrote: »

People in relationships are allowed ask questions but they're not allowed answer them? All he did was say a bit more time was needed before commitment.

And he only said this because he didn't feel like she should be "rewarded".

HiGlo

Awwwww, I think this is a sad situation.
It's a shame that what seemed to be a good genuine connection has been lost.

OP, I think you need to go with your gut.
If you feel like this is worth it, then maybe try harder with her. Show her how you feel (if you have genuinely have feelings for her).
If you feel like this is nothing more than you learned a valuable lesson and best to leave it at that, then I guess you move on.

As for her having a date with someone else, it could well be true, but my thought is that is quite possibly a defence mechanism.

Anyway, hopefully lesson learned for you OP to try and be a little less destructive when you have something good.
Best wishes to you.

LLMMLL

SB_Part2 wrote: »

And he only said this because he didn't feel like she should be "rewarded".

1. She doesn't know that so its immaterial to her gameplaying after.

2. She raised the issue because she got fearful. Not a positive atmosphere to have the exclusivity chat in.

twill

LLMMLL wrote: »

You can make any behaviour seem acceptable/unacceptable by putting it in a certain perspective. For example, she noticed the toiletries and overreacted, rather than assuming it was an exes or family members she becomes suspicious. She doesn't want to look crazy so instead of discussing exclusivity, she makes a passive aggressive joke to try and get the OP to reassure her. The OP doesn't like her attitude so honestly tells her he has not seen anyone else but needs a little longer before committing. She punishes him by ignoring him and setting up another date etc.

Talk about skewing the narrative. The OP admitted from the first that there was nothing remotely honest about his response. Also you make it about his ex-girlfriend punishing him when he said openly he was punishing her. She did what a person with a healthy self-esteem would do when confronted with this behaviour, which was to disengage. It really angers me when women are slated for standing up for themselves as any healthy human should. It's not her job to cater to his ego.

I can only recommend that the OP sincerely apologise and address the issues he mentioned which may skew his idea of relationship dynamics. This incident may be a one-off, but then again it can't do any harm. Whether there is still a chance for the two of you, you never know.

LLMMLL

twill wrote: »

Talk about skewing the narrative. The OP admitted from the first that there was nothing remotely honest about his response. Also you make it about his ex-girlfriend punishing him when he said openly he was punishing her. She did what a person with a healthy self-esteem would do when confronted with this behaviour, which was to disengage. It really angers me when women are slated for standing up for themselves as any healthy human should. It's not her job to cater to his ego.

I can only recommend that the OP sincerely apologise and address the issues he mentioned which may skew his idea of relationship dynamics. This incident may be a one-off, but then again it can't do any harm. Whether there is still a chance for the two of you, you never know.

Where did he say he was punishing her? I've just looked through all his posts and he doesn't say that once, unless I've missed it. Did you just make that up?

Yellow pack crisps

Dial Hard wrote: »

Yellow pack crisps wrote:

A bigger red flag would be that she arranged a date a few days after asking for exclusitivity!

The woman was shot down in flames when she asked for exclusivity. I wouldn't begrudge anyone a date to boost the confidence after that.

That's bull! She asked a question and the OP said he hadn't dated anyone since their first date and he saw the relationship going that way but would prefer to wait a little while. Perfectly acceptable and totally not 'shot down in flames'!

njs030

LLMMLL wrote: »

1. She doesn't know that so its immaterial to her gameplaying after.

2. She raised the issue because she got fearful. Not a positive atmosphere to have the exclusivity chat in.

You're seriously projecting both here and in all your other posts. It's only your opinion both that she was game playing and was fearful.

It shouldn't be a big issue when you've been having a sexual relationship with someone to raise the issue of if they are also sleeping with other people. Actually it's smart and health conscious.
It's just as likely she also thought the relationship was going somewhere and got a bit of a shock when cosmetics were in his bathroom but it wasn't at all passive aggressive as you claimed. It's what adults do in relationships, they talk and work things out.

The only game playing was from the op who instead of saying the truth ( he wants a relationship) decided not to "reward" her for attempting to communicate and then ignored her.
He told her they weren't exclusive she can date who she likes, that's not game playing though it's not particularly smart either.

When everyone in this thread other than you and frostyjacks is in agreement it's pretty likely you're in the minority and perhaps need a rethink?

HiGlo

Unsurepete wrote: »

So I've been dating this girl for about 2 months now, we get on fairly effortlessly, similar outlooks on life and electric sex. First girl in a few years that would make me want to settle down for, because as fun as single life has been, nothing beats feeling a connection on that level.

Well at least I thought that until Saturday night, we were having a great time as usual, having a few drinks at my place. She went off to the bathroom and upon exiting she said half jokingly 'so have you had many woman back here recently?' to which I replied with a confused 'sorry?'. Unbeknownst to me there were a couple of female toiletries (spray/conditioner) which my sister had left there earlier in the week. I explained this to her, was probably a little on the curt side as didn't really like the accusational nature of her question, even if she wasn't all that serious. Then for whatever reason she thought this would be a good time to ask me would I like to make our relationship exclusive. I told her that was definitely the direction I had seen us going, and that I haven't dated anyone else since our 2nd date but perhaps we wait another little while longer. It just didn't feel right to me at that time to reward suspicious behaviour like that.

Anyway for the first time things got a little awkward after that, she went a bit into herself, almost seemed a bit embarrassed. She made a fairly weak excuse and left shortly after. Neither of us have contacted each other since. It's obviously a very silly thing to have fallen out over and as much as I want to make the next move and call her first, I'm not sure her reaction was all that mature and has me questioning a few things. At the same time losing someone potentially special over something so trivial would be a shame. So should I stick to convictions or contact her?

He says himself that although he had strong feelings for this girl he felt he would be "rewarding" her by telling her that after what he interpreted as suspicions she voiced. So, indirectly, he punished her by being vague and non-committal.

Yellow pack crisps

Dial Hard wrote: »

Yellow pack crisps wrote:

A bigger red flag would be that she arranged a date a few days after asking for exclusitivity!

The woman was shot down in flames when she asked for exclusivity. I wouldn't begrudge anyone a date to boost the confidence after that.

That's bull! She asked a question and the OP said he hadn't dated anyone since their second date and he saw the relationship going that way but would prefer to wait a little while. Perfectly acceptable and totally not 'shot down in flames'!

LLMMLL

notjustsweet wrote: »

You're seriously projecting both here and in all your other posts. It's only your opinion both that she was game playing and was fearful.

So her bringing up exclusivity had nothing to do with thinking he had been sleeping with other women. Its a bit coincidental then. And not messaging somone you've been seeing for 2 months for days, and claiming to be going on a date is so clearly a game. You honestly believe she was like "Oh that's a little disappointing, time to move on"? Especially, given that she was crying down the phone to him.

It shouldn't be a big issue when you've been having a sexual relationship with someone to raise the issue of if they are also sleeping with other people. Actually it's smart and health conscious.
It's just as likely she also thought the relationship was going somewhere and got a bit of a shock when cosmetics were in his bathroom but it wasn't at all passive aggressive as you claimed. It's what adults do in relationships, they talk and work things out.

I agree but there are mature ways to raise these issues and her method definitely wasn't. And the most common advice I see on here when someone starts dating someone they met off Tinder is to assume they are seeing other people and its not any of your business until you have the exclusivity chat. Yet everyone on this thread thinks she's entitled to know whether he has seen any other girls. The mature thing for her to do would be to raise exclusivity without fake jokey enquiries about cosmetic products in his bathroom.

The only game playing was from the op who instead of saying the truth ( he wants a relationship) decided not to "reward" her for attempting to communicate and then ignored her.

That's completely skewed. You can't ignore someone who doesn't attempt to contact you.

When everyone in this thread other than you and frostyjacks is in agreement it's pretty likely you're in the minority and perhaps need a rethink?

I don't think I do. this thread has some complete nonsense in it about him wanting to control her (so bizarre) and have completely ignored his clarification that he worded it badly, and is not like that at all.

SB_Part2

LLMMLL wrote: »

That's completely skewed. You can't ignore someone who doesn't attempt to contact you.

Ah here. If I asked a fella if we were exclusive after 2 months and he said no I'd be absolutely mortified and wouldn't be contacting him either.

SarahMollie

SB_Part2 wrote: »

Ah here. If I asked a fella if we were exclusive after 2 months and he said no I'd be absolutely mortified and wouldn't be contacting him either.

Absolutely this. The OP has since admitted that in his head they were exlcusive and he wanted to be her boyfriend, and the only reason he fobbed her off was so as not to "reward" her behavior.

If I was in her shoes, and a guy who I'd been seeing for 2 months gave me such a non committal answer, he wouldn't see me for dust.

It actually reminds me of a situation with my OH about 8 weeks into our relationship. It was nothing to do with fidelity but needless to say, I went from being really excited about this really great guy, to being basically devastated in the space of one evening, thinking that the best guy I'd met in years didnt want to be wtih me and the circumstances were out of my control. Full on crying self to sleep, loss of appetite, the works. It sounds way out of proportion but it was just such an unexpected shock and I suppose even early on I knew we had something special.

I went to an event with my friends 2 evenings after (pre-arranged.one of the girls birthdays). I'd quickly explained the situation to the girls before we'd gone out incase I had a wine cry half way through the night so that they'd know why I was upset. The plan was to not talk about it after that and just have a good night.

So I met a guy that night, he asked me for my number, I put on my happy face and gave him my number. I wasnt really feeling up to it but as much as I was upset, I knew that dwelling on it wasnt going to solve my problems, and that I couldn't just shut myself off. As another poster said, I dusted myself off and put myself straight back out there.

Long story short, I never ended up going on that date. My OH rang me the next night, saying that he'd taken in all that had happened, apologised and asked for another chance. As it happened, the thing he'd worried about that would cause us to not have a future never happened and even if it had, we would have survived it anyway. He actually said that it wasnt until that night that we nearly finished that he realised how much I cared about him. We just got engaged over the summer, so it can work out, but only if you fight for the relationship. Being passive won't work.

Jenneke87

Op, if you want this relationship to see another day, you've got to take action. Maybe it would be better to go over to her place and talk about this to her in person instead of over the phone or through texts.
I don't think your girl had any right way to ask about the toiletries. Had she flat out asked whom they belonged to she would have been accused of being suspicious without cause, controlling or whatever else. Bringing it up as a joke has her branded passive-aggressive(fail to see how) and had she not asked she would continue to have that voice in her head asking:"Why were those items there, has he been seeing someone else?"
And now you lost a great relationship because you didn't want to "reward" her, as though she were a dog you had to train so she wouldn't ask uncomfortable questions.

seenitall

Hi op,

I have read the thread and would pretty much agree with Yellow Pack Crisps that you don't seem that into this girl, for all your good times and electric sex together. If you were really into her, there would be no stopping you from banging down her door (only figuratively speaking!) and trying to make amends to get things back on track ASAP. This thread wouldn't even exist.

No, your pride is more important in this, and I get that. When you meet someone who rocks your world, pride will be much more easily overcome in a situation like this.

I think that even if the two of you got back together at this point, it would probably be much more of a hard going than it should be for this stage in a relationship. Too many feelings were hurt, trust is not a given any longer, from either side. And that is not something worth going through when you are not totally ga-ga about a person.

My advice is to leave it now. Both of you will find partners more suited to ye both, absolutely.

LegacyUser

Knocked off work today about midday as was mentally exhausted and good for nothing, woke up a few hours ago with a bit of renewed vigor (partly due to reading Sarah's post) and decided to quit the pity party I was having myself.

I tried to call her but no answer, so just sent her a silly whatsapp selfie of myself and my lab pup Milly saying we really missed her. Anyway she called back a short while ago and we had a long chat about stuff, well I mainly listened. She opened up about a past infidelity between her ex and best friend that really affected her badly, and those feelings surfaced last Saturday and she just needed to get out of there. Said she has no romantic interest in the work colleague but was just feeling hurt yesterday and apologised for telling me that. I offered to cook her dinner Friday which she's thankfully accepted so hopefully we can put this stupid episode behind us.

To those questioning the strength of my feelings towards her, it's not something I feel I need to overly validate, just to say that she brightness up any day I spend with her and enhances my mood any time she contacts me.

Tigger99

Oh that's fantastic news Op. Best of luck

HiGlo

Delighted to hear that......
It takes a while for those kind of connections to come around.
Best of luck to the two of you.

MintyMagnum

You're onto a winner with the Andrex puppy! ;-)

njs030

Great news! Best of luck!

Sound Bite

Delighted...love a happy ending.

There was a reason most women on here were encouraging you to apologise if you really liked her!!!!!

Her behaviour was absolutely
typical of how most women would react.

"Reward"(and I use the term in jest!) her for giving you a second chance by cutting out the grey area- if you like her make it exclusive and quit the nonsense ;-)

seenitall

Great news op

As per my advice, I would have given up on this, but then I am a cynical auld one, and so I find hardly anything worth a second chance these days. I hope the two of you prove me wrong. Get back to the fun times, and remember that showing vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. Good luck!

cactusgal

forestgirl wrote: »

Mod Snipped - below standard required of PI/RI

This post makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Op, glad to hear you are back in touch - sounds like you took all of the comments on board and kept an open mind. I hope it work out for you guys!

Taltos

Mod Note
Hi forestgirl. Please have a read of our charter before you post to any more threads. We have a simple requirement here, basically if you can't offer constructive advice in a civil way just don't post. Your post above falls well short of that expectation.

Shinbin223

That's great OP. My gut feeling on it was that the supposed date she had arranged was said in anger more than anything else. I'm glad you tried to contact her a second time as it would take more than one phone call to entice most women to go back in that situation.
You sound pretty smitten so let her know that and no more games. You like her, she clearly likes you since she has agreed to meet. Best of luck! Lovely to see a positive ending to this!