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Child Item

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

I love jokes but im a disaster at telling them and remembering them, hence why I cant think of one at the minute!

Anyone else with a half decent memory that remembers a joke get it started...

Mod note.
Do not quote really long posts. Its a fcuking pain to read.

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My favourite exercise is a kinda cross between a lunge and a crunch...
I call it a 'lunch'

Capt'n Midnight

Did you know Worzel Gummidge got an OBE?

Wait for it................

It was for his outstanding work in his field

Michael Barrymore has just signed up for a new BBC TV series.....

Only Pools and Corpses.

Love this time of year when the nights are drawing in, there's a chill in the air and the whole family gathers round a roaring Galaxy Note 7

Every time I go out at night, some bird with long legs starts following me.

I think I'm being Storked!

Capt'n Midnight

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Klingon Fairy tales!

Best read in the voice of Worf - iLikeWaffles

"Goldilocks Dies With Honour at the Hands of the Three Bears"

"Snow White and the Six Dwarves She Killed With Her Bare Hands and the Seventh Dwarf She Let Get Away as a Warning to Others"

"There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe With a Big Spike on It"

"The Three Little Pigs Build an Improvised Explosive Device and Deal With That Damned Wolf Once and for All"

"Jack and the Giant Settle Their Differences With Flaming Knives"

"Old Mother Hubbard, Lacking the Means to Support Herself With Honour, Sets Her Disruptor on Self-Destruct and Waits for the Inevitable"

"Mary Had a Little Lamb. It Was Delicious"

"Little Red Riding Hood Strays Into the Neutral Zone and Is Never Heard From Again, Although There Are Rumors ... Awful, Awful Rumours"

"Hansel and Gretel Offend Vlad the Impaler"

"The Hare Foolishly Lowers His Guard and Is Devastated by the Tortoise, Whose Prowess in Battle Attracts Many Desirable Mates"

o man im so teaching them to my nephews , sister gona be very pissed !!

How do you make a hormone
Kick her in the gee

sirwin357 wrote: »

How do you make a hormone
Kick her in the gee

If said in a norn iron accent works even better.

Capt'n Midnight

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly.

On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.

The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again,

"Is there anybody else up there?"

Every time you have a talk with your wife, you should remember... "This conversation is being recorded for training and quality purposes"

Bloke walks into a bar.

Barman 'what would you like Donkey?'

Bloke 'p-pint p-please'

Barman 'ok Donkey'

Man at bar 'why does he call you Donkey?'

Bloke 'eee-aw ee-aw ee-always c-calls m-me donkey'

Capt'n Midnight

what goes "pieces of seven! pieces of seven!"?

parroty error!!

Capt'n Midnight

The Fire Fighters

One dark night outside a small town near Christchurch , (Little River) a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company President rushed to the senior fireman in charge and said, 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.'

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.

Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone mournful siren was heard as another fire engine came into sight.

It was the nearby Maori Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Maori over the age of 60.

To everyone's amazement, that little old fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched with pride as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before; one to be greatly admired and spoken of often in the future.

Within a short time, the old boys had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company President announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Well,' said Hemi, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that f........... truck!'

Capt'n Midnight

DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, s !"

SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Capt'n Midnight

I rang the zoo today and got the fax machine by mistake. Either that or the dolphins are a lot smarter than we think.

I wonder how much shorter this thread would be if I combined all the Capt'n's posts in to as few posts as possible.

ken wrote: »

I wonder how much shorter this thread would be if I combined all the Capt'n's posts in to as few posts as possible.

It would still be the same length, just that it would have a lower postcount.

Deleted User wrote: »

It would still be the same length, just that it would have a lower postcount.

That's what I meant.

The man believed to be the UK's biggest handler of stolen goods has been killed in an accident.

He fell off the back of a lorry.

Capt'n Midnight

"The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."

"In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."

Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."

McNab had become a bit hard of hearing but he didn't want to pay for a hearing aid. So bought a piece of flex, put one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear. It didn't help his hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly.

Jock asked the bus conductor how much it would cost to travel into town. "80 pence" said the conductor. Jock thought this was a bit steep so he decided to run after the bus for a few stops. "How much now?" he asked. "Still 80 pence". Jock ran after the bus for another three stops and, panting, he asked "How much now?" The conductor replied "90 pence. You're running in the wrong direction!"

MacDonald was awarded 10,000 pounds for injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds. A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident. MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the police arrived."

Capt'n Midnight

Two Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.
Trevor just happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign says:
Suits $10.00 each
Shirts $4.00 each
Trousers $5.00 per pair

Trevor says to her, “Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune”.

“Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.”

'No worries, smiled Jeanette, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Trevor says, “I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each & I'll beck up my truck and....'

The owner of the shop interrupts, “You're from New Zealand, aren't you?”

“Well... Yis,” says a surprised Trevor. “How the hill dud you know thet?”

The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners!”.

Flint Fredstone

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.
When i got home, i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me... but the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car.
We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

Capt'n Midnight

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh---ing me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None..
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work ..
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

Capt'n Midnight

My lad has got a trial soon at Old Trafford to see if he's up to scratch and whether Fergie will use him.
To be honest, it's the biggest day in any young referee's career.

Capt'n Midnight

What vehicle is orange and sleeps 5 ?

A council road repair van.

Capt'n Midnight

I said to my son tonight, "You're adopted!"

"Oh my god!" He replied with a tear in his eye, "all these years I thought you were my real parents."

"Yeah, we are your real parents, but we've had enough of you and your new ones will be here soon."

Capt'n Midnight

Local police who are hunting the "knitting needle nutter", who has stabbed 6 people in the last 48 hours, believe he could be following some sort of pattern.

Capt'n Midnight

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door....

the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.