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I cheated on my husband

Miss.RD123

Please, I'm not looking to be berated here. I cheated on my wonderful husband. The guilt is unbearable. I want so much to tell him but know in my heart that he would not forgive me. I was very drunk and did the deed with my friend and her husband. I felt physically sick afterwards and couldn't believe what we'd done. I know that it's not an excuse but they initiated it and I was very drunk. I love my husband and our children more than life itself. Can this guilt be my punishment? For our children's sake at least, should I just try and put this in the back of my mind and move on? Any advice please ?...

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lawred2

jaykay74 wrote: »

Yes but friends also don't... so the I think acquaintances is a better description

That's up to the op... She says 'friends'

gifted

The truth will ALWAYS, ALWAYS come out...might me this week or next week or even next year but believe me it will...then see what happens. You cheated!

[Deleted User]

As a husband, I wouldn't want to know.
If I was told and the reason was because she was drunk and did the deed with 2 people (not that there's anything wrong with that with consenting adults) it would break up my marriage without question.

My advice is don't tell him and maybe get as close to him as you can to try in your mind (make up for it) like some people do when they nearly lost someone.

I take it you have ditched the other 2 as friends?
You should!
If you don't it will come out and if he hears it through them or others, you're done IMO.

Refresh

Did you enjoy it at all OP? Do you regret it happened? Have you spoken to the couple since?

yeahyeah.7654

OP, what you did is unforgivable. You've even admitted that you were turned on and knew what was happening- you wanted it to happen. Did you use protection? I've no sympathy for you whatsoever. Do the decent thing and tell your husband.

padraig.od

Do you think he might be into it? Maybe get a foursome going? You never know. Maybe bring up the topic and see what he thinks?

Xterminator

... and getting back to the OP and question posed.

Yes, you could choose not to tell him and use the guilt to motivate you to make things better in your relationship. And possibly look at your drinking habits.

I know there are a lot of internet warriors that are against it, but they don't stand to lose their partner, & possible their home & possibly have a permanent impact on their children.

you do & if you let someone brow beat you into doing so ...; well lets just say, don't.

however- are you confident he will not find out? if he does and you don't tell him, you may blow any chance of a reconciliation. So if you think it can be kept secret, i would recommend you do so.

MeatTwoVeg

Obviously don't tell your husband. It will do no good for anyone.
Distance yourself from these friends and hope they don't go blabbing about what happened.

Next time you feel like a threesome, suggests it to your husband. He'd probably be delighted. After what you did he probably deserves it too. Maybe suggest it as a birthday present for him?

robbiezero

gifted wrote: »

The truth will ALWAYS, ALWAYS come out...might me this week or next week or even next year but believe me it will...then see what happens. You cheated!

Nonsense.

[Deleted User]

padraig.od wrote: »

Do you think he might be into it? Maybe get a foursome going? You never know. Maybe bring up the topic and see what he thinks?

Yeah treat it like its a great bunch of lads just having jocular riding!
The OP kids will love her for it.

LegacyUser

I'd be inclined to believe the truth will always come out somewhere along the line too. It's human nature.

To be honest OP, I don't think I could live with the guilt personally. So I'm not going to tell you one way or the other. But you could try thinking about it this way - can you live with the guilt if you don't tell him? Honestly?

Only you can answer that one I'm afraid.

MeatTwoVeg

So she should selfishly consider it from her own perspective rather than thinking about what might be best for the husband and kids.
She cheated, it's done, she feels guilty and won't do it again.
There's no way a husband will forgive this, so you think she should break up the family because the guilt is a bit hard to live with.

Deal with the guilt OP and concentrate on trying to make it up to your husband, but for God's sake, forget what the high horse brigade are telling you on here.

Saipanne

Convinced the anti high horse brigade are incapable of feeling guilt. Emotionless.

timmy880

The standard of responses on here are quite different to the guy who opened up about cheating on his wife with a neighbour a few weeks back. Interesting...

Personally OP I think you should tell him. People here saying "you're sorry, you wont do it again" etc. have no idea if that's true or not and it's only fair to your husband that you be honest with him and then let him decide what's best for him and the family rather than you trying to guess what's best for them at the moment.

Taltos

Mod Note
We understand this is an emotive issue but the OP came here for constructive advice not for judgement.
I'm looking at you here yeahyeah, if posters cannot offer constructive advice then please don't post, PI is not the place for that type of discussion.

Thanks

meme74

OP do you think you could actually keep this to yourself? Do you not think it would eat you up inside if you dont tell your husband? Genuinely think about how you will go about your life with this in the back of your mind.

Potatoeman

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

So she should selfishly consider it from her own perspective rather than thinking about what might be best for the husband and kids.
She cheated, it's done, she feels guilty and won't do it again.
There's no way a husband will forgive this, so you think she should break up the family because the guilt is a bit hard to live with.

Deal with the guilt OP and concentrate on trying to make it up to your husband, but for God's sake, forget what the high horse brigade are telling you on here.

That depends on the person but if they only feel a small amount of guilt, wouldn't that make them question what type of person they are? If they feel a large amount of guilt, won't her husband notice something wrong...

Spanish Eyes

Any chance the consenting couple you did the deed with would squeal?

If you are sure they won't, don't tell, move on and never do anything like that again.

How can you face the couple? They don't care... they did it in full view of each other. I'd be sick. I'd move away somewhere TBH. I don't think I would trust them not to say anything if your husband is around and drink is involved.

Sorry for your troubles. I don't think you will ever get over this, but I hope you do.

lawred2

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Any chance the consenting couple you did the deed with would squeal?

If you are sure they won't, don't tell, move on and never do anything like that again.

How can you face the couple? They don't care... they did it in full view of each other. I'd be sick. I'd move away somewhere TBH. I don't think I would trust them not to say anything if your husband is around and drink is involved.

Sorry for your troubles. I don't think you will ever get over this, but I hope you do.

They may not 'squel' to the husband but after a few drinks maybe they regale their other threesome regulars with tales of the OP and their tryst..

Peregrine

You need to tell him. I know you have children and everything but he needs to know.

If they're in your friends circle, the chances of him finding out from them or someone else is extremely high. If that happens, you'll wish you had told him yourself. If they're in your friends circle, it's not fair to let your husband be oblivious to it while everyone around him knows.

You say that you want to live with the guilt as punishment. You seem like a really nice person. I don't think you can live with the guilt — it's eating you alive. And I don't think you deserve to live like that. You need to tell him, you need to face him, you need to apologise and you need to get closure from this horrible situation. Nobody needs to live with guilt for the rest of their lives.

It's not going to be pretty. I know this and you know this. There's every chance that your relationship might end but — even if your husband never finds out from someone else — this 'living with guilt' alternative doesn't sound much rosier. Also, think about which scenario gives you a better chance of continuing the relationship with your husband: you telling him about it, how much you regret it and how sorry you are or him finding out from someone else?

racso1975

Hi OP,

I really hope you are ok. I am sure the stress of this is causing sleepless nights, work problems and probably problems at home.

I have no intention of telling you what to do that is completely up to you and a decision you need to reach yourself and one you are happy to live with for the rest of your life.

What i will advise is you have started up this thread anonymously, so as it stands the best we can hope for is that only 2 other people know about this and if they are regular swingers I am sure they understand the importance of discretion. Please do not confide in a friend or family member no matter how much you trust them. Once this secret is out it's not going to end well and you will lose control of the situation.

You need to take some time to weigh up the opinions given here and more importantly your own opinions and options. If it is possible for you to get away for they night do. Book yourself into a hotel somewhere. Write lists of pro's and con's and rewrite and re read them and be brutally honest.

Once you decide what to do stick to it. Don't come back on here and re read the thread let it die or ask a mod to close it. If you decide not to tell swallow that bitter pill of guilt and move on. If you do tell you'll need to live with whatever the consequences are. Be strong.

Take care OP. Believe it or not most posters are here to support you and not judge you.

Please take care of yourself.

Regards

celligraphy

Op I feel terrible for your husband I honestly do , but as a human I have done worse mistakes in life all I can say is it's up to you at the end of the day , for you. Your husband and children first of all cut the "friends" off completely

arayess

I find people who confess do so for selfish reasons - they feel guilty and are seeking to alleviate their pain by dumping it on the person they claim to love.

You did the crime now do the time with wrecking his head.

if you resolve to stay with him , be the best partner you can be and learn to control yourself.
also it mightn't be a bad thing to ditch these friends.

errlloyd

OP my advice may not be any use, I've never been married. But my advice is honestly the best I can give.

I think you have two problems. The first is that you cheated. If your husband is a person who strong values sexual monogamy he might find this very hard to accept and perhaps in that instance it would be better not to tell him. However if your husband things mechanically about sex (as I do) and recognizes the difference between love and lust, and recognizes that you have always loved him, and it's perfectly biologically possible (see Helen FISHER "why we cheat" on TED) for you to love him and still lust another then you might be okay to tell him, to apologise and admit your guilt. I think I'd survive that sort of news from my significant other.

Your second problem is potentially worse though. You cheated with people he knows and you had a threesome which both contribute to the complexity. I'm not necessarily a proud person, but I would react badly to this. They absolutely can no longer be part of your life. If you tell him, his relationship with them will be irreparable, if you don't, your relationship with them will remain a pain point forever. If he is a proud man he may feel too ashamed to not outwardly react, and that would mean leaving you. The fact it was a threesome doesn't help here, I think it'd find it much more embarrassing if I thought my friends knew my OH had a threesome without me, than had a one night stand.

Finally, and I guess maybe this has to be considered too. Threesomes are among the highest scoring male fantasies in the world. One of the things that you give up when you enter into a monogamous relationship is the hole of making those fantasies happen. He may be very resentful that you went off and did this thing with a friend of his that he will never get to experience. I know this is maybe abstract and hard to quantify, but imagine it was your dream to see a band live in concert, and he ditched a regular dinner date with you one night, and saw them live without you. You'd be annoyed at being ditched and youd be doubly annoyed that while you were being ditched he was out living your dream.

You need to think about those OP.

1: Is he too sexual righteous to forgive you?
2: Is his pride going to stop him forgiving you?
3: Is he always going to resent you for doing something he might have wanted but can never have?

I think I would tell him. I think if I were you I'd be prepared to leave that night - alone. I'd say to him "I've let you down, I've let our family down, I'm willing to leave, I know I've made a mistake, I don't want to leave but I understand".

If you survive this you need to talk about all the pain points, prepare to get marriage counselling, he won't want to but he will need it. This will hurt in multiple ways, you will have to manage each.

Good luck OP.

dellas1979

Its your set of morals and beliefs that will get you through this. What are they? And if you dont know, youre about to find out.

That is what everyone in the thread is doing (applying their own).

Fundamentally also, I would think you are struggling with why this happened (it wasnt due to alcohol and how attractive the couple were). You must figure this out also.

I do not envy you in your predicament, but in situations like this, people always think of themselves first for the cover up. Maybe it is time to put him and your family first, and come clean. That is for you to decide.

Taltos

Mod Note
Saipanne - if you like a post, just thank it. Don't do as you did as its cardable in PI/RI.
The Humble Sausage - your reply though is bannable, please do read our charter as well as other threads to get a taste for what is acceptable and remember, if you don't have constructive advice then just don't post.

Spanish Eyes

lawred2 wrote: »

They may not 'squel' to the husband but after a few drinks maybe they regale their other threesome regulars with tales of the OP and their tryst..

Yep, it's not knowing what the couple would say to anyone else including cuckolded husband is a big problem here. How could you ever relax again.

Depends on how the friendship with them is I suppose. Maybe they don't care and will move swiftly on to the next partner. Sounds like that to me anyway.

If I was the wife here I reckon I would be sick as a parrott, hoping they won't say anything, but worrying forever that they will.

Move away. If that is possible.

MadMardegan

OK, I'll drop my 2 cents in on this.

Although I wasn't married, and we didn't have kids, I was with a girl for almost 3 years. I loved her dearly, but I don't think I really saw a future with her which maybe led to what happened.
I went on holidays to visit a friend, without her, and while away me and my friend ended up having a threesome with a mutual friend of ours. Of course we were all drunk, and I knew it was wrong but I didn't stop myself. I had never cheated before and always thought to myself that I never would but it happened. The next day I was completely racked with guilt.
I finally got home about 10 days later and when I saw my girlfriend I knew I couldn't live with that guilt. I also knew that I couldn't tell her, I couldn't bare to see her heartbroken like that. The relationship wouldn't have lasted but that was no reason to cheat. I broke up with her that day and spent a long time self evaluating.
I'm not proud of that at all. It actually disgusts me because I feel I'm a better person than that.

So, I'm not going to tell you whether to tell him or not but honestly I feel like the relationship is ruined either way. Even if you do tell him or you learn to live with the guilt it has completely changed from how it was before you went out that night.

I really hope for your whole families sake, and yours, that you're able to sort this out.

Good luck OP

Mr.JB1986

Op, you really to ask yourself why you did it. As yeahyeah said, you admitted that you were aroused and knew what was happening. I remember hearing an interview with a sex therapist and she said that when someone cheats, it's always a conscious or sub- conscious comment on the state of their marriage/relationship. It can't only be lust that made you do it.

Also, these 'friends' of yours.. I find what they did so mercenary, to seduce and then have sex with another man's drunk wife purely for their own pleasure.

shafty100

personally i would sit the couple down and demand absolute confidentially as you stand to potentially rip your family and life apart , they dont stand to loose much so emphasise this . then distance yourself from them