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Why the thoughts?

LegacyUser

Evening all,

Long time poster here but going unregistered for this post.

I currently in the middle of my most serious relationship - love at first sight, and over a couple of months, we hit it off and gave it a shot. Nearly two years later, we've moved in together and just opened a joint account - so pretty serious by my standard

Anyway, over the past number of months, our sex life has started to dwindle and what was every 3rd or 4th day is now every 3rd or 4th week. I've sat down with her as recent as last week and we've talked about it, as for me, a healthy relationship needs an healthy sex life - not like rabbits, but more active than we are at the moment. She's currently on medication and has said that this is the main reason why she hasn't been that way inclined, one of the side effects from what I saw, which is understandable and I've taken that into account.

As my previous relationships haven't been this serious, I find it hard to gauge when I'm being unrealistic, hence my lovely post. She has said that she feels as if she doesn't get out to see her friends as much since we've moved in together (something which I've never stopped her from doing) and that she'd like to make more of an effort, to which I said work away! She has been out a good few nights for 'girls nights' with the inevitable male straggler or two. Last week, she asked me if I would mind if she took two days off work and headed to the Galway races for 3 days with a friend of hers and the aforementioned stragglers. The last time she went out with this female friend, she ended up coming in at 5am, barely able to walk and vomited in the bedroom, hence why I'm slightly confirmed. This particular friend turns heads when she walks into bars, as does my girlfriend, but she likes to play men and when she heads out is only after one thing. The two that are heading with her are two male single colleagues in their mid twenties who haven't a whole lot of interest in the horse racing and more so everything that comes with it.

My question is - am I overreacting by thinking that most couples would be a bit put out by a partner heading off on the piss for a couple of days? I met my girlfriend at a time in her life when she was in a relationship for the previous 3 years and they weren't in the best place, which I could relate to how we are now I suppose (short tempered, mood swings etc). Should I be worried about her heading away or am I over-reacting?

I'm sorry if this sounds very long winded - I'm just a bit muddled by it all.

Thanks,

AM.

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LegacyUser

Hi OP, I do not think you are over reacting. You clearly have deep feelings for your partner and care a lot. But I would say that you have to have trust. If you get on her case about this trip away, it will more than likely come across that you do not trust her with the male 'stragglers' and she may be hurt and offended.

Yes, her going off on the lash might be concerning to you. Yes she may be trying to pull the wool over your eyes or something, but there is a good chance she just wants to get away with her friends to have a good time and do something a little different. Her lack of sexual interest is more than likely due to her medication I would think.

Irish_Elect_Eng

It is not that unusual for the frequency of sex to change when a couple changes their living arrangements. It is good that you a talking openly about it and you both should make the effort to get the frequency back to a place where you are both happy once your partner comes off her medication.

Again, when your living arrangements change and your relationship deepens it is not unusual for friends to take a back seat and your partner if feeling somewhat guilty that she is not seeing her friends as often. You should perhaps pro-actively include her best friends in some activities with you.

I do find the trip to the races a little odd, why are you not going also, it will be a great weekend? Noting unusual with her heading off with her friend, but are the two guys her friends also, it does not sound like they are from your OP? If she wants to spend time with her firiend, why bring along two others?You also seem suspicious of your Girlfriends ability to remain faithful, has she given you any reason for this suspicion?

Big Bag of Chips

Anonaman123 wrote: »

The two that are heading with her are two male single colleagues in their mid twenties who haven't a whole lot of interest in the horse racing and more so everything that comes with it.

Not unlike the huge majority of people who will be there. You're gf included?!

So it's 2 girls going away for the weekend with 2 fellas, and you're not invited? Tell her you'd love to go too and see what her reaction is.

If it's a girls' weekend, no need for "the stragglers". If it's not a girls' weekend, no reason for you not to go.

ManOfMystery

2 girls heading off with 2 single male colleagues for 3 days or a long weekend isn't unheard of, and could be entirely platonic, but TBH it's not something I often see people in committed relationships doing. I could understand it if these male friends were mates from childhood or something who had been on the scene long before you appeared, but just colleagues? To be honest, I'd feel a little uncomfortable with it too, particularly if your girlfriend has past form for getting so drunk with this friend that she can hardly stand.

flopflop73

Look OP, there's a difference between being a trusting boyfriend and being a mug.

You are not overreacting.

She's heading off with a single friend and two single guys for a weekend of drinking and debauchery.
It's OK to not be OK with this - it's not a normal thing for someone in a serious relationship to do. It shows a real lack of respect for your feelings the fact that she's doing this

Combined with the problems you are having with your sex-life, there should be all sorts of alarm bells going off - listen to them.

I'd be having a serious chat with her about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

GingerLily

Are they going down with the two guys or will they just also be there? A lot of people go to the Galway races.

Do you ever ask to join her on nights out?

Minera

The question is do you trust your girlfriend ? We all get insecure communicate with your girlfriend or this will fester!

Corvo

I'd like to give you some long-winded answer that would reduce your very obvious anxiety about the situation, but to be honest I would be crawling the walls too, especially given the current situation at home.

Think you should have a chat.

woodchuck

Yes, I think you're overreacting. If you trust your girlfriend, you shouldn't have a problem with her going away for a good time with some friends. However it is worrying the state she gets herself in with her friend... but at the end of the day, she is a grown up and has to take care of herself. If you try to stop her, I think that would be very controlling. The alternative is if you ask if you can join them for the weekend?

lifeandtimes

mmm tbh honest if your gf is going to unfaithful it's going to happen sooner or later and I guess finding out sooner is better.

the lack of sex is put down to the medication which is understandable but she can still put an effort in to make sure you are still taken care as so can you by going on dates,romancing her,doing house work she would normally do,foot rubs and oil massages etc.

the issue with the friends is fair enough but if she has since been making the effort and going out on the lash to get in a state were she throws up then why is she going to the races? she's already got back in touch. If this a girls weekend I find it strange there is only one girl going and with two colleagues from work that would make it a group, which means you should be able to go.

Sounds to me like she is trying to distance herself from you which isn't good.

have a chat about your concerns regarding the lack of sex and the fact she's happy to put so much effort into her friend's but not you and if the roles were revered how would she feel if you weren't having much sex and then decided to go on a weekend away with 2 single girls you work with and gage her reaction

suicide_circus

I ask myself, would I go away for a long weekend with a single friend and two single girls? No. I wouldn't do that to my partner as I don't think that would be fair or respectful to her. Your girlfriend is not showing you this consideration. Combine this with the crap sex life? Alarm bells.

Virgil°

Oh no OP this doesn't sound good.

At a first read it sounds like shes losing interest.
Ok so your sex life is dwindling and she has a fairly water tight explanation as to why this is the case. But what is she doing to alleviate the situation? It's not exactly sustainable long term for a young couple(as I assume you are?). Is she still intimate and coupley with you or has she become colder in general towards you?

This is a total stab in the dark OP but my guess would be:
Shes lost interest/losing interest in your relationship. She doesn't crave sex with you anymore and is using the medication as an excuse to maintain minimal sexual interaction. Shes escaping on this trip to experience the single life and get you out of her hair for a few days. Now she may not intend to cheat on you but I wouldn't put it outside the realm of possibility either.

I think like some other posters have said, tell her you'd love to go to the races with her and gauge her reaction. If she becomes defensive or starts making excuses why you can't go(or even if she grudgingly accepts it) then you have something much more to worry about.
I really hope I'm wrong about this OP.

Yellow pack crisps

[font=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]She has form number one. If i read that correctly and she chaeated on her old BF to get with you? Not even a break inbetween?[/font]

[font=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]First thing i noted is that she is on medication and her sex drive is on the wane but she can go out and get pissed till 5 am and vomit on return? [/font]

[font=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]
She seems very manipulating to first suggest that she doesnt see enough of her friends since she got into a relationship with you as it was your fault? Since you said you never had an issue with it then it was really her own responsibility to maintain her own friendships and why suddenly is it to do with your relationship and not her?

Her friend and the way you describe her? Well you can tell a lot by your friendships in life is all ill say about that.

I really hate when people put the emphasis on the other person when it comes to getting something they want. To ask you if ''you mind'' if she takes two days of work to go on the piss in Galway with her friend and two male ''stragglers'' is giving you two options: Yes = Absolving her of her own responsibility to her relationship and her care for you and it. NO = You being an over controlling and untrusting partner cue threatens to break up because you are being unreasonable.

[/font]
I am not going to tell you to break up with her as you know the ins and outs of your own relationship and GF but honestly it comes down to respect and trust and by posting here its obvious you have trust issues with her and by what you wrote then those are justified. Best of luck.

Augme

The trip away isn't the problem, it's everything else. You're wasting your time getting in a tizzy over the weekend away if you're not going to seriously look at the other issues. Even if she wasn't going away I'd say your relationship is in trouble.

GingerLily

I don't see what the problem is with a girl going out till 5am, she's young and we've all done it, strikes me as very judgemental on some people's part here.

I do agree though that the Galway races situation sounds a bit reckless, if they're going just the four of them then I'd be very worried.

Yellow pack crisps

GingerLily wrote: »

I don't see what the problem is with a girl going out till 5am, she's young and we've all done it, strikes me as very judgemental on some people's part here.

I do agree though that the Galway races situation sounds a bit reckless, if they're going just the four of them then I'd be very worried.

No probs with going out till 5 am for anyone it's the other factors not being properly resolved. If you were in a relationship that had intimacy problems would you be ok with your partner doing that and not fixing the problems they face together?

Corvo

GingerLily wrote: »

I don't see what the problem is with a girl going out till 5am, she's young and we've all done it, strikes me as very judgemental on some people's part here.

I do agree though that the Galway races situation sounds a bit reckless, if they're going just the four of them then I'd be very worried.

Eh? So she's able to use her medication as a ready made excuse as to why she is not as sexually active (and looks to have offered no form of solution - just threw out that reason and moved on) but is still taking this medication and thinks that going out until 5 am so inebriated that she vomits is ok?

I'd say that one -

- She's lying about the medication issue and has just lost interest (which happens) and would have been far more respectful to explore the reasons why with her partner

- She doesn't care about her health anyway, and is willing to do what she wants when she wants regardless of the medication

GingerLily

Corvo wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

I don't see what the problem is with a girl going out till 5am, she's young and we've all done it, strikes me as very judgemental on some people's part here.

I do agree though that the Galway races situation sounds a bit reckless, if they're going just the four of them then I'd be very worried.

Eh? So she's able to use her medication as a ready made excuse as to why she is not as sexually active (and looks to have offered no form of solution - just threw out that reason and moved on) but is still taking this medication and thinks that going out until 5 am so inebriated that she vomits is ok?

I'd say that one -

- She's lying about the medication issue and has just lost interest (which happens) and would have been far more respectful to explore the reasons why with her partner

- She doesn't care about her health anyway, and is willing to do what she wants when she wants regardless of the medication

Should she have sex with him even if she doesn't want to so he allows her to go out? In general her behaviour is an issue but everyone should be able to have a late night every now and then, regardless of if she's putting out.

Yellow pack crisps

GingerLily wrote: »

Should she have sex with him even if she doesn't want to so he allows her to go out? In general her behaviour is an issue but everyone should be able to have a late night every now and then, regardless of if she's putting out.

Nope she shouldn't!

No right minded and rational person minds a partner going out and getting sloshed till whatever time they want! Obviously there is a lack of trust and security in the relationship and that's why it's a problem and that's why people judge it negatively in regards to the OPs facts. Put them all together which is only the facts we know and I don't think it's overly judgemental to see it as a red flag I imagine most people would.

leggo

I'd be uneasy about the trip. It's weird. It's the type of thing single people do (hence everyone else on the trip being single) and I think, when she says she's concerned she's put her friends on the backburner, she's indirectly saying she misses the independence of being single.

That doesn't mean she's going to cheat either now.

Whatever the case, there's a bigger issue at play here and you're not wrong for perking up at this. I'd have a conversation and try to get to the bottom of what that issue is (it's good that you guys seem able to have those chats) and gauge it from there. I'd also try ask, in a nice way, why she wants to go away on a trip with a bunch of singles without you and gauge her response there too.

Don't go in throwing accusations around, what she's feeling could be perfectly natural and explained away with one conversation, but you also shouldn't feel like your hands are tied here and you're irrational to be uneasy.

DukeOfTheSharp

Most people are suggesting a talk OP, I'd suggest making it the talk where you end things now, before this gets any worse. Sex life aside, she's blaming you for not being able to see her friends - despite the fact that you aren't stopping her in any way - and that's a sure sign that she's not stable enough for a relationship. Sure she's not saying it outright, but the idea that she doesn't get to see them enough isn't your problem, you're not stopping her and seem to be pretty supportive of her heading out with them. Now she's taking off for a weekend in Galway with one girl and some single lads? Never even bothered to ask if you wanted to go? Noooope. She probably wants to play it off as overcompensating, but honestly, I'd not buy that excuse.

This is going nowhere OP, she got in over her head, committed too early without doing the footwork necessary, and instead of ending things in a civil fashion she's instead going to put you through hell until you leave her, so she can have the sob story. This is a harsh opinion but I've seen this unfold too many times to count: some people are neither stable, nor mature, enough to commit to someone, and instead of having a respectful conversation between equals to see if it can be salvaged, they instead set fire to the whole thing in small increments, so that they'll have no reason to care when it ends.

The issue here isn't trust, the issue is that her actions are seemingly based on fictitious issues she's creating, and to top it all off, she's on medication - I'd assume this is anti-depression meds? - and getting blitzed drunk, so much so that she pukes on the floor? That counteracts medication. You're dealing with someone who has a lot of growing up to do OP, and unfortunately you're either going to be waiting for that to happen on a sinking ship, or you can end it now and save yourself trouble. Relationships don't need this level of complication, trust me.

timmy880

Your post was more and more concerning the further I read. It's not unusual for sex patterns to dwindle when a couple starts living together. That can happen. It happened when my girlfriend (now wife) moved in with me. But we communicated openly about this and everything was fine. Also we were just both so bloody tired from long working days!!

But her behaviour with regards to this friend and 2 male stragglers is more worrying. She is basically somebody in a relationship who wants to go off and act single on the busiest week of the year in Galway (seriously the city is like a zoo at night time during race week). And she didn't even offer you the chance to accompany her? This is not how somebody should behave. I imagine hanging out with this friend makes her feel young, cool, sexy (and probably single) and you said they get alot of attention when they are together. And as for the 2 lads.... Well, you said yourself they aren't into horse racing...... (although what they want can sometimes involve a saddle and whip)

You need a serious discussion with her before this happens. If she has already blamed you for not spending as much time with her friends as she would like then she is probably going to get super defensive about this trip and say you're being paranoid so be prepared for this.

She either needs to grow up and start respecting this relationship or else you move on for your own sanity.

Xterminator

if my partner said she was going away for a trip for a couple of days to let her hair down, if some friends were single - or male it wouldn't really make a difference.

so that's not the issue.

I think the issues are,

1. you dont trust her with her friends
2. the lack of sex has you second guessing
3. her drinking habits

I for one would not try to come along, or try to block the trip, unless she had given you good reason not to trust her, i would extend that trust - even if you have misgivings. Instead i'd suggest you work on the issues that you can

Ask her not to get blotto drunk while away.

And maybe plan your own couples weekend soon, and see how she reacts to that. if she is delighted then perhaps you have a relationship that can be kindled. If she blows cold on spending time with you - that would be an indicator too.

X

ManOfMystery

Xterminator wrote: »

if my partner said she was going away for a trip for a couple of days to let her hair down, if some friends were single - or male it wouldn't really make a difference.

They aren't friends though, apart from the female. The guys are what sounds like vague colleagues. I think there's an important distinction to be made there, it's a very different scenario from going on a weekend with long-standing and platonic male friends.

Lovely Bloke

he said he initially met her when she had a bf of 3yrs, and in the same kind of circumstances at home.

he's right to be worried.