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Child Item

Cheated - [mod warning post 1]

Ontherise

Mod Note - ensure you read our charter, off topic, judgemental posts or those not offering constructive advice in a civil manner will be actioned

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. We are both in our twenties. At the beginning our relationship started out very casually. We had only met up a handful of times and didn't really know each other. I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him a few weeks in so was going to end it. However 8 weeks into our dating I had a one night stand begind his back with a guy I knew briefly. It was a kiss and we had oral sex but didn't sleep together. I haven't seen him since and have no intention of either. I felt awful about it and dumped my boyfriend a few weeks after it but didn't tell him I was with the other guy.

We got back together a week later and since then I love him so much. I could never look at another man and would never ever cheat again. But my conscious is at me and I keep feeling awful at times about what happened. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and marry him along with having kids as he would be a great father.

Could this mistake destroy things if I told him?

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myshirt

We're you the recipient or the giver of the oral sex?

Ontherise

myshirt wrote: »

We're you the recipient or the giver of the oral sex?

Both.

Ursus Horribilis

You're going to get vastly differing views on this hear. If it was me, I'd say nothing. Were you even a proper item at the time or were things still casual? You are running the risk of ruining this and for what? Sometimes it's better to say nothing and I feel this is one of those times.

Ontherise

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You're going to get vastly differing views on this hear. If it was me, I'd say nothing. Were you even a proper item at the time or were things still casual? You are running the risk of ruining this and for what? Sometimes it's better to say nothing and I feel this is one of those times.

Things were casual. He would have thought we were a proper item perhaps. I don't know but things are hugely different since.

FortySeven

You cheated, then dumped him because you cheated. Then got back with him and now your conscience is bothering you.

That's why we have a conscience. It's our morality speaking.

He has a right to the truth. He has done nothing wrong and he should know all the facts before committing to have children with you. This could come out in the future and the kids go through hell in a breakup because you didn't disclose your misdeeds.

Be honest with him if you love him.

daisybelle2008

Ontherise wrote: »

Things were casual. He would have thought we were a proper item perhaps. I don't know but things are hugely different since.

Yeah so there's your answer. It was a different relationship and in fact you broke up afterwards. Your head wasn't in the relationship the way it is now. Telling him to ease your conscience would be quite cruel when you are in a good place and committed to a future with him. I'd consider giving yourself a clean slate from that breakup. It probably all made you realise he was the one for you. Invest in the relationship you have now. Forget about that, you know that it meant nothing. You are giving a situation that meant nothing to you the power to destroy your relationship. It was early doors and casual dating..forget it.

Ursus Horribilis

The only fly in the ointment is this other guy. Is there any chance the truth will come out about what happened? Did he know you were seeing someone at the time?

Ontherise

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

The only fly in the ointment is this other guy. Is there any chance the truth will come out about what happened? Did he know you were seeing someone at the time?

I told the guy I was seeing somebody. He was in a long term relationship and I knew that. I know my boyfriends cousin would know the guy briefly. It's a possibility of course. It's almost a year since it happened but that counts for nothing.

StanleyOllie

Say nothing. The relationship was casual at that stage. Forget it. If it didnt happen maybe you might not have realised that he is the one. Things happen for a reason. If the relationship is now on a firm, committed footing and you are confident that you are fully faithful since you got back together and into a proper relationship just leave well enough alone. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. But if you tell him all trust may be gone.... even if you weren't a proper item at that stage.

FortySeven

Ontherise wrote: »

I told the guy I was seeing somebody. He was in a long term relationship and I knew that. I know my boyfriends cousin would know the guy briefly. It's a possibility of course. It's almost a year since it happened but that counts for nothing.

You could be out 10 years from now, house sorted, couple of kids, life going well and bump into this fella drunk in a bar.

Bang....

Is it really worth the risk? Never mind it is just wrong to not be honest with someone who had committed to you.

Tilly

FortySeven wrote: »

You could be out 10 years from now, house sorted, couple of kids, life going well and bump into this fella drunk in a bar.

Bang....

Is it really worth the risk? Never mind it is just wrong to not be honest with someone who had committed to you.

And she could also tell him in 10 years it was when they broke up for a week. She fúcked up at the start of a non serious relationship. So what?

I'd say nothing OP, it was 10 months ago so forget it.

Rekop dog

It's the ultimate selfish act not telling him imo. If he finds out from someone else years down the line you could have potentially wasted a massive part of his young life with someone he wouldn't wanted to have committed to with this knowledge... If you truly care for him you have to tell him and hope he can forgive you.

daisybelle2008

FortySeven wrote: »

You could be out 10 years from now, house sorted, couple of kids, life going well and bump into this fella drunk in a bar.

Bang....

Is it really worth the risk? Never mind it is just wrong to not be honest with someone who had committed to you.

They are in their twenties and were casually dating for a matter of weeks, that's figuring out if you like someone territory not some big commitment. Not the same frame of mind as having his children and getting married. She is now committed to him so different frame of mind. Why would she create unnecessary drama and make a big deal out of it?. Ten years from now how is some drunk lad in a bar going to be able to forensically match up dates of some ancient drunken fumble, especially as he was in a relationship, he'll be keeping his mouth shut.

bee06

You weren't exclusive so I'd be very surprised if he wasn't seeing other women at the same time.

Pawwed Rig

Your relationship is founded on a lie.
What reason did you give him for the initial break up? Was it another lie?
Every minute of every day you stay with him are more lies. No wonder your conscience is at you.
Tell him and be done with it. At least he will know the type of person you are and can decide if you are the type he is interested in.

noel100

Don't say anything... Its in the past and keep there.. if I was told this I would finish the relationship..even if it broke my heart..

FortySeven

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

They are in their twenties and were casually dating for a matter of weeks, that's figuring out if you like someone territory not some big commitment. Not the same frame of mind as having his children and getting married. She is now committed to him so different frame of mind. Why would she create unnecessary drama and make a big deal out of it?. Ten years from now how is some drunk lad in a bar going to be able to forensically match up dates of some ancient drunken fumble, especially as he was in a relationship, he'll be keeping his mouth shut.

She says casual. He thought? You can try and rationalise it but cheating is cheating. Of you're 20 or 40. Makes no difference.

Figuring out if you like someone is hard to do if you dont know the full story so this whole relationship is based around a lie. Are you seriously advocating that that is a good basis for a stable future?

daisybelle2008

FortySeven wrote: »

She says casual. He thought? You can try and rationalise it but cheating is cheating. Of you're 20 or 40. Makes no difference.

Figuring out if you like someone is hard to do if you dont know the full story so this whole relationship is based around a lie. Are you seriously advocating that that is a good basis for a stable future?

She got it out of system and figured out this is the guy she wants to be with. She sounds to me like she regrets it, and is fully committed to a stable relationship. So yeah sounds like her commitment to this guy is a good basis for a future relationship. If she moves forward and stops beating herself over something that happened a few weeks into casual dating.

Ontherise

Please do not judge me as difficult as it may be. I try to live a good life and do good where I can. Nothing has ever happened like this before. I had a few drinks which is no excuse but made a terrible mistake. I had no idea this would lead to the relationship it is today. I've tried so hard to make it work with my boyfriend. I gave up alcohol. Don't go to work parties anymore. I just felt ashamed of myself. If I lost this man, it would kill me. I had no idea of the person he was back then and how good things are the last 10 months. I'm not condoning what I done but please can people not take the moral high ground as difficult as that is.

FortySeven

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

She got it out of system and figured out this is the guy she wants to be with. She sounds to me like she regrets it, and is fully committed to a stable relationship. So yeah sounds like her commitment to this guy is a good basis for a future relationship. If she moves forward and stops beating herself over something that happened a few weeks into casual dating.

I do see where you are coming from. In order to preserve what she has now she should continue forward in the lie because it's only a small lie.

I think otherwise and I suppose my morals may be old fashioned. We'll leave it at that then.

Yellow pack crisps

As far as you were concerned it was a casual thing and if he had gone off with someone then I presume you would of been ok with that so by that logic and without either of you both having a talk about being exclusive then I wouldn't worry about or bring it up as the fact was that you were not in a committed relationship despite wath you think he thought. If it comes up in the future just say that happened when we were not exclusive. Try and forget it as far as I can see you did nothing wrong.

m'lady

I would keep quiet. There is nothing to be achieved out of telling your boyfriend, you made a mistake- you weren't sure of your feelings/attraction towards him, you know how you feel now so just move on.

Pawwed Rig

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

without either of you both having a talk about being exclusive then I wouldn't worry about or bring it up as the fact was that you were not in a committed relationship despite wath you think he thought.

Do people actually have a 'talk about being exclusive' ? I have seen it on American Rom Coms but have never come across it in an Irish context.
Until relatively recently the idea of even dating 2 people at once would have been taboo.
Not judging the OP btw. But personally this would be something that would niggle at me for the duration of the relationship. Eventually it would come out. I would think now rather than 4 years time would be best.

LegacyUser

You're damned if you do tell and damned if you don't tell. Do you really think your loving boyfriend, father to your future children wants to hear something as horrific as you performing oral sex on another man and having him perform on you, if he loves you it will kill him. That's why people should never talk of the intimate details of their sexual past. Here's the problem you have, your sexual past was actually in the present for him, it happened when he assumed you were still an item, so you have to accept you cheated on him but you know if you tell him then the relationship is over. Therefore, if you understand that you have to accept that his future with you is based on a lie.
The guy does have a say in this. The loss of your relationship may be a heavy price to pay, but I'm married and I know if I perform oral on my neighbour that my husband will leave me. It's a heavy price to pay, we'd probably lose the house, the children would hate me, his family would hate me....maybe that's why I resist. Of course, if nobody tells I just might get away with it, but would I feel guilty letting my loving husband kiss me after that.

If you don't tell your boyfriend then he may never know, but can you live with the fact that he may marry the girl he thinks he knows rather than the real you.

[Deleted User]

You'd be crazy to bring this up now. Totally needless and unfair on both of you to do so.

Very early days and the relationship status not even clear.

Ignore anyone telling you your relationship is 'based on' anything that happened once a year ago. Thats crazy talk. Your relationship is based on your mutual commitment today and every day.

FortySeven

[Deleted User] wrote: »

You'd be crazy to bring this up now. Totally needless and unfair on both of you to do so.

Very early days and the relationship status not even clear.

Ignore anyone telling you your relationship is 'based on' anything that happened once a year ago. Thats crazy talk. Your relationship is based on your mutual commitment today and every day.

Sure. Why base your relationship on honesty when you can base it on lies? It's all good.

Clampdown

FortySeven wrote: »

Sure. Why base your relationship on honesty when you can base it on lies? It's all good.

Why risk hurting someone you love and ruining a relationship you intend to stay faithful in by revealing a stupid mistake you made ages ago and that you deeply regret and don't intend to repeat?

Not revealing this one time mistake does not mean the whole relationship is based on a lie. IMO that's an extreme exaggeration.

JellieBabie

Clampdown wrote: »

Why risk hurting someone you love and ruining a relationship you intend to stay faithful in by revealing a stupid mistake you made ages ago and that you deeply regret and don't intend to repeat?

Not revealing this one time mistake does not mean the whole relationship is based on a lie. IMO that's an extreme exaggeration.

Some people enter into a relationship expecting their partner to remain monogamous and would like to know that this was not the case in at least one incident. Just because you are sorry doesn't mean you get to hide the fact that you've broken your partner's trust in your fidelity from them.

stesaurus

Ontherise wrote: »

Please do not judge me as difficult as it may be. I try to live a good life and do good where I can. Nothing has ever happened like this before. I had a few drinks which is no excuse but made a terrible mistake. I had no idea this would lead to the relationship it is today. I've tried so hard to make it work with my boyfriend. I gave up alcohol. Don't go to work parties anymore. I just felt ashamed of myself. If I lost this man, it would kill me. I had no idea of the person he was back then and how good things are the last 10 months. I'm not condoning what I done but please can people not take the moral high ground as difficult as that is.

You gave up drink and parties? Do you have issues with self control that you need to be this strict on yourself?
It's kind of a worrying statement. You should be able to trust yourself, drink or no drink. Are you sure your ready to settle down yet? Sometimes the right person comes along too early in life. No shame in wanting to enjoy being single and casual.

Willie Stroker 1976

I don't condone what you done, but being honest if you don't think its something he will ever find out, say nothing as it would kill him, I couldn't see it ending well for either of you if you do tell him.