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Child Item

Not Inviting Specific Family Members Etiquette

Walter H Price

So basically we're getting married November 17 , everything is booked and organised and all of of our family and friends etc have been told dates and stuff.We had to do some of it a little earlier then we'd of liked in order to get better room rates from the hotel, including setting up a private group on facebook for invited guests.

My OH has a fairly big family and has never gotten on with one of her Uncles so has chosen not to invite him or any of his kids. I have a really small family with only 2 Aunts and uncles on either side and 7 Cousins. But i have not spoken to one of my aunts since i was a child and i have no relationship with her 3 kids, she has never even been introduced to my Fiance despite the fact we are together 6 years, so naturally (to me anyway) she and her family also will not be invited.

we've told our parents from the start that these difficult family members would not be on the guest list and got a mixed reaction. We already no both my aunt and her uncle are expecting invites from what we have hear from other family members.

what i'm wondering is what is the etiquette for informing a relative they are not invited ? should we just leave it and allow them to assume they are not when the don't receive a save the date or invite by post or should we text them or send them a letter or something just giving them a heads up that they wont be going.

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lazygal

ChampagnePop wrote: »

Is this common? What a scam

It's hardly a scam if the venue has this clause in the contract when the couple makes a booking, is it? We ruled out venues with clauses like hire charges for the room for the ceremony, I wouldn't call it a scam, just a charge that we refused to agree to.

Walter H Price

Faith wrote: »

I'm glad that you've come to a decision that you're happy with, Walter. Would you like me to close this thread, or are you happy for it to keep running despite being resolved?

sure leave it open what harm

Walter H Price

ChampagnePop wrote: »

Is it common to only be allowed invite guests in numbers of ten? What do you do when you get your RSVPs back and you have some say 95, do you uninvite people? Or keep inviting guests in until you fit an exact table? That's sounds bizarre and like a scam to me!

We've the meal booked for 120 , we can go under that with no issue but still have to pay for the full 120 but if we want to add extra we've to do it in 10's... I'm assuming it just makes it easier for the Chefs etc to scale up the amount of food they need to prepare also that would be an extra table of settings linen center pieces , chair covers etc... so reasonable enough i suppose.

we already have 10 people who are going to the Meal but not the Church, so that makes up the difference at the minute.

CaraMay

Walter H Price wrote: »

Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show. she left her family (though not divorced or separated) and moved to the middle east 4 years ago and since then i haven't seen her once bar briefly at my gandads 80th , shes never met my fience like. but shes asking about dates because she may need to book flights well in advance etc for the wedding i was a bit shocked to be honest like , how she thought she would be invited i have no idea.
.

But you've invited her to everything else (debs????) so why would she not assume she's invited to this too? If you aren't inviting her just tell her rather than your mother being put in an awkward position.

Speedwell

CaraMay wrote: »

But you've invited her to everything else (debs????) so why would she not assume she's invited to this too? If you aren't inviting her just tell her rather than your mother being put in an awkward position.

I may just be cranky this morning, but I am not seeing what the horrible "awkward position" is. If I was Walter's mother, I'd be happy to tell the aunt, "come on, Ruthie, cop on, you haven't bothered to show up to the functions you were invited to". In my family, we not only have manners but enforce them.

Gatica

CaraMay wrote: »

But you've invited her to everything else (debs????) so why would she not assume she's invited to this too? If you aren't inviting her just tell her rather than your mother being put in an awkward position.

The invites were issued by OP's mother, not the OP. The wedding is not being organised by the mother but by the OP and partner. This time they have a choice as to who they invite to their wedding.

CaraMay

I agree they don't have to invite her but I can see why she can assume she would be invited.

Walter H Price

Gatica wrote: »

The invites were issued by OP's mother, not the OP. The wedding is not being organised by the mother but by the OP and partner. This time they have a choice as to who they invite to their wedding.

Nail on the head , my Ma invited her to everything to "keep the peace" though usually it resulted in an argument anyway because none of the rest of us wanted her there. most were just family party's in the house, including the Debs party not sure if that's a thing every where but we all had them.

Given its my wedding and she hasn't spoken to me for over a decade and never met my Fiance , i think its a bit much her to just expecting to be invited. i would of assumed she would have guessed my ma was the one inviting her to everything all along , maybe not.

CaraMay

Clearly not especially when all her siblings are going

stoplooklisten

Walter H Price wrote: »

Nail on the head , my Ma invited her to everything to "keep the peace" though usually it resulted in an argument anyway because none of the rest of us wanted her there. most were just family party's in the house, including the Debs party not sure if that's a thing every where but we all had them.

Given its my wedding and she hasn't spoken to me for over a decade and never met my Fiance , i think its a bit much her to just expecting to be invited. i would of assumed she would have guessed my ma was the one inviting her to everything all along , maybe not.

I think holding a grudge because she didn't come to your 10th birthday or debs party is a bit much, tbh.

Speedwell

stoplooklisten wrote: »

I think holding a grudge because she didn't come to your 10th birthday or debs party is a bit much, tbh.

ffs. It's not personal pique, it's recognizing that she has a pattern of showing up for absolutely nothing that she's been invited to for a decade.

stoplooklisten

Speedwell wrote: »

ffs. It's not personal pique, it's recognizing that she has a pattern of showing up for absolutely nothing that she's been invited to for a decade.

...and now you're going to punish her, by leaving her out of something she is prepared to go to to get your own back. Sounds petty.

I don't go to my nieces and nephews birthdays. what on earth would i be doing a a childs birthday party? I have no interest in going to them. It doesn't mean I don't want to be a thier wedding. I hope they don't view it the same way you do!

Walter H Price

stoplooklisten wrote: »

I think holding a grudge because she didn't come to your 10th birthday or debs party is a bit much, tbh.[/QUOTE

it's really not about her not coming to those party's i don't mind that really like i didn't want her invited to those in the first instance. She hasn't spoken to me since i was 10 , she's done nothing but upset and piss people off , like my ma my grandparents and my other Aunt and uncle who i'm very close too , my whole life.

She's a genuinely horrible person with literally no redeeming quality's and i have 0 relationship with her or her kids , like i said before there are people we're allot closer too we haven't been able to invite so even if we could invite another 50-100 people she would struggle to make the guest list.

stoplooklisten

Walter H Price wrote: »

it's really not about her not coming to those party's i don't mind that really like i didn't want her invited to those in the first instance. She hasn't spoken to me since i was 10 , she's done nothing but upset and piss people off , like my ma my grandparents and my other Aunt and uncle who i'm very close too , my whole life.

She's a genuinely horrible person with literally no redeeming quality's and i have 0 relationship with her or her kids , like i said before there are people we're allot closer too we haven't been able to invite so even if we could invite another 50-100 people she would struggle to make the guest list.

At the end of the day it's up to you who to invite and who to not.

You say "she hasn't spoken to you since you were 10", yet in an earlier post "you saw her once a year at Christmas until you could avoid it". She came to visit once and year and you avoided her and now you're saying she never spoke to you..perhaps it was because you were avoiding her.

Also the OP says that "she has never even been introduced to my Fiance despite the fact we are together 6 years,"...why during any of these christmas meeting instead of avoiding her, did you not bring your finance to meet her? You can't avoid her and then complain she never met your finance.

Her relationship between her siblings and her grandparents is frankly none of your concern and only interpreted through the eyes of a child.How many times have your parents and yourself gone to visit her abroad or is she expected to give up every holiday she has to come and visit and is demonized if she doesn't?

Anyway, i hope you enjoy your day!

Gatica

stoplooklisten wrote: »

I think holding a grudge because she didn't come to your 10th birthday or debs party is a bit much, tbh.

None of the OP's posts insinuate it's a grudge. It's simply her patterns, and now she's not wanted, so the OP's hope I'd imagine was that she'd follow the same and not show/not need to get invited.
The OP doesn't like her, for whatever reason. I don't know either person so can't comment on whether any one of them is right to dislike the other (in the family, the parents, grandparents, etc...). The fact stands though, and the OP may as well have the day they want without worrying about someone they consider to be a troublemaker, whether rightly or not.

SarahMollie

stoplooklisten wrote: »

At the end of the day it's up to you who to invite and who to not.

You say "she hasn't spoken to you since you were 10", yet in an earlier post "you saw her once a year at Christmas until you could avoid it". She came to visit once and year and you avoided her and now you're saying she never spoke to you..perhaps it was because you were avoiding her.

Also the OP says that "she has never even been introduced to my Fiance despite the fact we are together 6 years,"...why during any of these christmas meeting instead of avoiding her, did you not bring your finance to meet her? You can't avoid her and then complain she never met your finance.

Her relationship between her siblings and her grandparents is frankly none of your concern and only interpreted through the eyes of a child.How many times have your parents and yourself gone to visit her abroad or is she expected to give up every holiday she has to come and visit and is demonized if she doesn't?

Anyway, i hope you enjoy your day!

This is nonsense. I don't know why you want to pick hairs, but the OP clearly hasnt had any meaningful interaction with this woman in a long time.

These types of dynamics are common enough in families. I happen to think its nonsense that you have to invite every single relation to a wedding that you're paying for, regardless of the relationship.

The OP has said that the venue has limitations on numbers and this is another factor in his decision. If a couple want 20 or 200 guests, its their choice, and people really need to get over themselves.

I find the highlighted piece particularly patronising. The OP is old enough to be getting married, so likely old enough to know the family dynamics and have frank discussions with his parents.

stoplooklisten

SarahMollie wrote: »

This is nonsense. I don't know why you want to pick hairs, but the OP clearly hasnt had any meaningful interaction with this woman in a long time.

These types of dynamics are common enough in families. I happen to think its nonsense that you have to invite every single relation to a wedding that you're paying for, regardless of the relationship.

The OP has said that the venue has limitations on numbers and this is another factor in his decision. If a couple want 20 or 200 guests, its their choice, and people really need to get over themselves.

I find the highlighted piece particularly patronising. The OP is old enough to be getting married, so likely old enough to know the family dynamics and have frank discussions with his parents.

I never said everyone has to be invited.Get down off your high horse.

If they have had no meaningful interaction in a long time, since the OP was "old enough to avoid her", the last interaction the OP had with her was when they were a child. Do you understand? Yes the Op is old enough now to get married but as they were living with their parents when they were a child, they heard the parents side of every story. I just pointing out the obvious. The Op has made it appear that auntie has put no effort in to the relationship, when in fact, the OP has been actively avoiding her, yet, this is the aunties fault.

Continue on your crusade for you right to invite :rolleyes:

SarahMollie

stoplooklisten wrote: »

I never said everyone has to be invited.Get down off your high horse.

If they have had no meaningful interaction in a long time, since the OP was "old enough to avoid her", the last interaction the OP had with her was when they were a child. Do you understand? Yes the Op is old enough now to get married but as they were living with their parents when they were a child, they heard the parents side of every story. I just pointing out the obvious. The Op has made it appear that auntie has put no effort in to the relationship, when in fact, the OP has been actively avoiding her, yet, this is the aunties fault.

Continue on your crusade for you right to invite :rolleyes:

You have suggested that the OP and his family should have visited her in the middle east. You then suggested that he should have somehow gone out of his way to parade his fiance in front of her. Why are you even making these suggestions when your first sentence states that everyone should be allowed to invite who the want. Totally contradictory.

Did it ever occur to you that the OP is grand with not having a relationship with this woman and is fine with that? If she hadnt taken it upon herself to assume that she'd be invited, I doubt he'd have given her a second thought.

As per your point about him being a child when he lived with his parents - well obviously. But most people still talk to/visit/spend time with their parents even once they've moved out, and therefore are still aware of what goes on within a family.

As for your claims that I'm somehow on a crusade? You should read your own posts.

Gatica

stoplooklisten wrote: »

The Op has made it appear that auntie has put no effort in to the relationship, when in fact, the OP has been actively avoiding her, yet, this is the aunties fault.

and so what? They don't like her, whether she's the kindest person in the world or not, and so they're choosing not to invite her. end of.

stoplooklisten

SarahMollie wrote: »

You have suggested that the OP and his family should have visited her in the middle east. You then suggested that he should have somehow gone out of his way to parade his fiance in front of her. ......

Yes becasue the Op was complaining she didn't come to 10th birthday or confirmation etc. and using it as a reason not to invite her. Then the auntie came to visit and the Op actively avoided her, but then is like, she never bothered.

OP complained the auntie "was never introduced"...what's the auntie suppose to do, track down the finance and introduced herself? She came to visit and the Op avoided, how was she supposed to meet the finance? Ask every random lad in the area, "was it him?"

Relationships work both ways, that's why I wonder how many times the parents and OP visited the auntie. She came to see them once a year at christmas. Was it reciprocated? It comes across as extremely petty.

but OP invite who she likes, no one is stopping her.

SarahMollie

stoplooklisten wrote: »

Yes becasue the Op was complaining she didn't come to 10th birthday or confirmation etc. and using it as a reason not to invite her. Then the auntie came to visit and the Op actively avoided her, but then is like, she never bothered.

OP complained the auntie "was never introduced"...what's the auntie suppose to do, track down the finance and introduced herself? She came to visit and the Op avoided, how was she supposed to meet the finance? Ask every random lad in the area, "was it him?"

Relationships work both ways, that's why I wonder how many times the parents and OP visited the auntie. She came to see them once a year at christmas. Was it reciprocated?

The point is, it doesnt matter why they're not close. It just matters that they're not.

Maybe he's the biggest D*ckhead known to man (I'm sure you're not Walter!) and shes Mary Poppins.

It really doesn't matter.

Gatica

Unless I'm mistaken the name Walter sounds like a guy's name.

stoplooklisten

SarahMollie wrote: »

The point is, it doesnt matter why they're not close. It just matters that they're not.

Maybe he's the biggest D*ckhead known to man (I'm sure you're not Walter!) and shes Mary Poppins.

It really doesn't matter.

No it doesn't, but seen as the OP brought them up, I thought I'd respond as if it was a discussion forum. :rolleyes:

SarahMollie

Gatica wrote: »

Unless I'm mistaken the name Walter sounds like a guy's name.

He = Walter
She = Walters Aunt

Gatica

SarahMollie wrote: »

He = Walter
She = Walters Aunt

Sorry, we were putting in replies at the same time and mine got out of order. I was replying to:

stoplooklisten wrote: »

She came to visit and the Op avoided, how was she supposed to meet the finance? Ask every random lad in the area, "was it him?"

...

but OP invite who she likes, no one is stopping her.

Gatica

stoplooklisten wrote: »

No it doesn't, but seen as the OP brought them up, I thought I'd respond as if it was a discussion forum. :rolleyes:

The OP just wanted to know how to go about not inviting someone rather than a discussion as to whether his reasons were valid or not:

Walter H Price wrote: »

what i'm wondering is what is the etiquette for informing a relative they are not invited ? should we just leave it and allow them to assume they are not when the don't receive a save the date or invite by post or should we text them or send them a letter or something just giving them a heads up that they wont be going.

of course it's a discussion and many have pointed out different arguments for one side or the other. However, there's no need to attack the OP over their decision.

stoplooklisten

Gatica wrote: »

Sorry, we were putting in replies at the same time and mine got out of order. I was replying to:

Originally Posted by stoplooklisten View Post
She came to visit and the OP avoided, how was she supposed to meet the finance? Ask every random lady in the area, "Is it her?"

...

but OP invite who he likes, no one is stopping him.

Fixed
Now would you care to adress the point.
How is the auntie, who does not live in the area, supposed to know which lucky lady is her nephews fiance, if the nephew is actively avoiding her on her once a year holiday, which must always be to Ireland, at christmas?

stoplooklisten

Gatica wrote: »

.....there's no need to attack the OP over their decision.

No and I'm not.

SarahMollie

stoplooklisten wrote: »

Fixed
Now would you care to adress the point.
How is the auntie, who does not live in the area, supposed to know which lucky lady is her nephews fiance, if the nephew is actively avoiding her on her once a year holiday, which must always be to Ireland, at christmas?

I repeat: The point is, it doesnt matter why they're not close. It just matters that they're not.

Stop trying to apportion blame.

stoplooklisten

SarahMollie wrote: »

I repeat: The point is, it doesnt matter why they're not close. It just matters that they're not.

Stop trying to apportion blame.

blame

attack

everything's very dramatic.