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Problem with stepson

LegacyUser

I have a 6yo bio child and 10yo & 13yo stepkids who comes to stay with us every weekend. Most of the time the 10yo is well behaved when his dad and I are around. My issue is that he seems to have a real problem with my child.

He is snappy with her, won't let her play whatever the other kids are playing, and straight up ignores her if she asks him anything or says anything to him. If his dad or I ask the kids to include my kid in whatever game they are playing, he changes the rules so that my kid will end up sitting watching whatever they are playing.

Toys are the same, he will play with all of her toys without asking, if she asks him (and she always asks) if she can play with anything belonging to him, he will suddenly be playing with that toy until she loses interest in it.

I have spoken with his dad about it a number of times, but nothing has changed apart from he is getting more sneaky about how he can be mean to her without the adults noticing. Most of the time I only realise something has happened when I notice my kid sitting by herself looking teary and dejected.

I just feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall with trying to get him to even be civil with her. She is an only child and loves when the kids are there and she can spend time with them, but the weekends always end up with her feeling sad and me tearing my hair out trying to think of how I can deal with this?

I have started taking her out with me for the weekend, but this isn't ideal as she gets on really well with the eldest (who is also bullied by the younger bro) and they miss each other when I have her with me.

Any suggestions how I can remedy the situation? I just feel myself getting more and more frustrated every weekend the way things are.

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marizpan

Your stepson is acting out his stress/jealousy/ resentment on your daughter.
It has to be very difficult for them all. I would advise against asking dad to take 'sides', they are both his children.

You should spend time with your stepson, one on one. Show him love and support. A child can only give love when they have been filled with it.
Your stepson is suffering more than your daughter, even if you don't see that.

Negative behaviour has to be experienced for a child to pass it on negatively in the form of bullying to another child. Find out what is bothering him. No child is 'bad' only misunderstood.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your input, Marzipan.

The problem, I think, is his mother- her relationship with his dad is extremely bad, and we know from the eldest that she regularly badmouths my daughter to the children.

I know it is a difficult situation , and when they are with us we do our best to make both of them feel loved and secure and included, everything that parents should be doing. The eldest loves coming to stay with us and would be here 24/7 if she could.

Part of the problem also I would say is that he has gotten away with a lot more than he probably should have from day 1 because of the situation with his mother. it is just getting to the point now where his behaviour is escalating, and I have tried so much with him that I really have no idea how to deal with it any more.
As far as spending time alone with him, I have tried that avenue, but he is understandably very attached to his dad when he is with us and gets upset if he has to be away from him.

My child is extremely placid and quiet, and wouldn't stand up for herself in the way other kids would. My heart breaks when I see her so upset as she is normally such a happy child. I love my stepchildren, but I am feeling so tested by my stepson lately. I really don't know how to handle the situation any more.

tinkerbell

OP, you need to discuss this with your husband and sort something out. Your stepkids are in your house every weekend so you have every right to have some say in the matter. Time to start laying out a set of rules in the house and if the 10 year old misbehaves, he gets punished by having to go for time out or no pocket money or no xbox or PS3 or whatever toy he plays with for a certain amount of time. It sounds like there's no discipline at all. You and your husband need to be united on this and demonstrate consistency. Presumably the 10 year old doesn't act up like this in school as he knows he wouldn't get away with it? You need to adopt the same principles here. It's not fair that every weekend your 6 year old is left upset by this, that may cause bigger problems further down the line.

marizpan

PicklesTheGoose wrote: »

Thanks for your input, Marzipan.

The problem, I think, is his mother- her relationship with his dad is extremely bad, and we know from the eldest that she regularly badmouths my daughter to the children.

I know it is a difficult situation , and when they are with us we do our best to make both of them feel loved and secure and included, everything that parents should be doing. The eldest loves coming to stay with us and would be here 24/7 if she could.

Part of the problem also I would say is that he has gotten away with a lot more than he probably should have from day 1 because of the situation with his mother. it is just getting to the point now where his behaviour is escalating, and I have tried so much with him that I really have no idea how to deal with it any more.
As far as spending time alone with him, I have tried that avenue, but he is understandably very attached to his dad when he is with us and gets upset if he has to be away from him.

My child is extremely placid and quiet, and wouldn't stand up for herself in the way other kids would. My heart breaks when I see her so upset as she is normally such a happy child. I love my stepchildren, but I am feeling so tested by my stepson lately. I really don't know how to handle the situation any more.

It is great that you seem to have such a wonderful empathy and understanding of the situation.
If the problem is rooted from his mother, then there is not much that you can do other than be a role model as you are doing.
Treating all members of the family respectful and equally, so he can learn socially correct behaviour.
He's current behaviour is his mothers reflection of your daughter. And he needs to learn to correct that, children do not have independent opinions.

If you decide to 'chat' or punish, make sure that it is done equally by both you and your partner. That you both approach it in an unemotional manner ( almost professional like ) so that it doesn't come across as an attack on him personally but as a correction of his behaviour, which is separate from him personally. Be very firm but don't hold grudges once dealt with.

Best of luck :-)

Just to add: he needs to learn that his mothers view of your daughter is incorrect. At the moment he believes that his mothers view is correct and your families view is incorrect. He is showing this with his behaviour, he prob can't understand we you even like her! Unfortunately it is so easy to manipulate a child's mind.

Xidu

Tough, since he doesn't live with you full time, I don't see you can change him that much. Maybe you can try to let your husband play with them together, the boy might behave himself a little bit while the dad is there watching. When he bullie the small girl, the dad can correct him immediately. Hopefully after few weeks, he will find a better way to deal with your daughter.

LegacyUser

You have been doing your best with this situation for a period of time.
The main problem here is the mother but the son is acting up as he is getting away with this.
Also you husband does not want to do anything to keep the peace.

I would ring his mother and tell her I know you are bad mouthing me and my daughter but your are an adult and it is time for you to stop doing this. I would then tell her your son has been mean every weekend to my daughter and if does not stop I will be chatting to my husband about having your son here every weekend and and also about the ammout of maintance we are paying you for the children.
Her options after this chat to her son and paint you in a better light or she could have less free weekends and less maintance.

I would then tell your husband that you that you rang her. Let him know what you said to her and that you are no longer willing to put up with the fact your daughter is unhappy every weekend. You need to agree what will happen here and you both need to follow true on this. I would tell your daughter if he is mean to her that she has to come and tell you or your husband.

At the start of the weekend when the son comes over I would pull him aside on the quite and tell him I know your mother does not like me or my daughter but I am not going away and you can tell her this.
I would also tell him you have spoken to his mother and father about the way he is behaving and unless he stops beenig mean he won't be welcome in your home every weekend.
I would then tell him that him that you and his father are together for good and that his mother leaves him with you every weekend so she can meet her boyfriend.