Shyness Problem
Sorry it’s so long, you don't have to read it, sorry.
First of all; I live in Buenos Aires city, Argentina, I am a middle class normal 14 year old boy. In Argentina, high school doesn’t work like in America (as far as I know). You have a class you have all the subjects with, during all your teenage life. So you have five straight years with the same people until you are seventeen and you start the course for university (If you want… There is no intermediate part, we don’t have college. We have higher or lower university titles that would kind of work like college though, but they are not common). Life is not that different though, we live in the third world so phones and, I don’t know, computers are more expensive. But it’s pretty much the same. Although, most of my classmates do have a lot of money and a lot of impressive appliances. And it’s not that I am so excluded electronically either, I have pretty good stuff too. Well that doesn’t matter, it’s just to set an understandable marc; it’s not so different from any other middle class.
I have been in high school for two years and a bit already (I’m in my third year, just started this March, autumn is starting here in the south) and I still don’t have any friends in there. I do have friends, my elementary school friends and a very good friend of mine from life. But it’s not only school, I have this compulsive shyness that takes over me in almost any new social situation. Even in commercial stuff, when I’m buying something. It’s pretty weak there, I can buy, but it still doesn’t let me develop as I would like to, as I could without this shyness. It’s weird and very selective and very different according to situations, depending on the person, the moment, the place and the kind of conversation. Also depending on stuff like who I am with. I mean, a very important fact is that when I have someone of confidence near me, someone I can hold on to, this doesn’t happen. If I have had a friend the first day of high school none of this would be happening, or at least, I wouldn’t care, I would have made friends. It’s weird, you see, I live in Argentina, where we speak Spanish, so I go to an English institute to learn the language. I used to study at school but now I have French at school so I go on with English. I really like languages. Well whatever, the fact is that at the English class I was able to speak, and still am since the first two years. I don’t know why, I’m guessing maybe because there were less people at the class. Or because at school I also had this thing that almost every kid already knew each other when they started and I knew no one. Maybe because I had previously metalized myself, that is something I used to do and I kind of still do unconsciously. Or because of my low self esteem, but that doesn’t really separate the two institutions. I have a low self-esteem. Well you could say I do hate myself, but it’s weird. When you read about this you usually hear from people who are expected to be something or who have social pressure. I am rationally conscious about my problem. You see both my parents are these really progresist, rational, pragmatic people. They are both academics who have university degrees. They do not expect anything from me, they are not religious at all and they’re really loving, caring people. I was raised on these instances, freely. So when I see myself in front of a situation in which my obsessive shyness, and my lack of sociability and my hatred to myself don’t let me develop correctly, all the rational procedures to solve this appear in my mind. I just can’t take them to practice. There is an animal, instinctive panic that rules over me. When I tell people I can’t, they don’t believe me. It’s like it doesn’t enter in their heads that I couldn’t. They say, try harder, you will eventually be able. Well, I’ve tried as hard as possible but it’s been two years and nothing. It’s literally paralysis of some sort. It’s like if I had a lion in front of me, not because I see people as lions, but when you have a certain threat in front of you, you immediately react somehow. You do this with like adrenaline or something, a hormone that makes you work in stressful situations. You panic, you are scared to death. Well, imagine having to deal with something that’s sort of like this but everyday at school. At life. Ok, it’s more complicated than that, there are situations and different reactions, I do not react the same when speaking to an employee in a store than when speaking to someone at school. Also sometimes when I am left alone in a pleasant environment, people not caring about me being there, I can relax, I draw, I just think how pathetic I feel, but I can relax. But when any social interaction starts there’s this bell in my mind. Sometimes, depending on the person, the moment, the place and the kind of conversation, like said before, the bell rings, harder or slower, but it stops my natural sociability (I like relating to people, I like politeness and friendship) from actually going on. I get all tense and stressful and I can feel how my jaws get closer and stuff.
The hardest thing to understand is how different it is according to situations, that’s why I insist so much about this. I can, but I kind of panic. And in that school environment where everyone is so used to me not speaking and there’s all this settlement, it’s even harder. I should add that they are such great people. You would think they might mock me or tease me or something, or that they would think I’m so weird and step away from me, but they don’t. They’re these really kind, respectful people with me. They treat me with complete openness, so the only thing staying between me and them is me. They do not close the door for me. I am very grateful. And again, I do rationalize this stuff when I try, but I can’t have it done. I kind of feel like, when I try to get out, with any strategy possible, that I shouldn’t be doing it and the panic comes back. For example: I slowly get to get close to someone, slowly by the path of academic talking, school stuff speaking, but then I suddenly feel like a nuisance, and walk away. That thing that I already wrote that could help me, someone to hold on to, I let go. I just can’t help it. Because I would be some sort of nuisance. I have this need for an incredibly close best friend. This person you are with all the time even when is there no reason at all. Like calling them and say, ‘I’m bored, wanna come over?’, ‘What for?’, ‘… Be bored together?’ ‘Ok’. Not having it, for me is too stressful. It’s weird. So I generate this instant closeness to a particular someone to be always with, and that way also be with other people too, or not be with anyone at all. And I don’t want that to happen because I realize I would be a nuisance and I can’t help it. These obsessive compulsive reasons get in between all the time with my strategies. It’s so impossible to escape. It’s also interfering with my academic development. It’s true that being so unbelievably quiet at school makes me pay a lot of attention in class that is so useful (and the reason I don’t fail). But this makes me get home so tired! I don’t want to do anything, and I can’t study as well as I could. I come from a very intellectual family, my parents are scientists my sister is studying anthropology and studying is always around me, I don’t dislike it, I actually sort of crave it. But when I come back from school I’m dead; studying is like ‘no way!’. And also, not having the slightest relationship with my classmates makes it harder with group tasks and stuff like that.
I do go to a psychologist once a week. But I’m also kind of scared of speak with her, which I know is ridiculous but I can’t help.
Sorry for my bad English.
