I literally have no friends!

LegacyUser · 20-01-2015 6:44pm #1

I have had loads of friends throughout the years but have drifted from all of them in one way or another. I can't say it's bothered me all that much as I enjoy my own company and doing my own thing and I am also very close to my mam and see her pretty much every day. I have a teenage daughter too who's like a best friend to me and a toddler who occupies my time so I was toddling along quite contentedly for the last while.

Sociopath2 · 20-01-2015 8:52pm

Is there a question there somewhere??

LegacyUser · 20-01-2015 9:08pm

Not trying to sound ignorant or anything, but are you actually bothered at all with having no friends or would you like to meet people? It is a nice thing when you are close to your family, but I always believe its good to have your own social group or hobby outside of it.

porsche boy · 20-01-2015 9:56pm

I found im in a similar situation, OP. Had a close group of friends when I was younger but as time went on some moved abroad, i bought a house in the country while others stayed in Dublin, kids came along and before I knew it I hadnt spoke to some of them in years.

I dont know if your in the exact same boat as me, I just cant find the time to make new friends. My daily routine is hectic to say the least. Up at the crack to get myself and the kids ready, into work for 8.30, work until 6 or 7 home by 8 or 9, a bite to eat and sleep.

It seems the only friend I have is the wife and even she's not fond of me at times.

I look to the future when kids are older, less pressure at work and getting out to play a round of golf is all I can hope for. Joining some social clubs, golf club, motor club. Plenty of people with similar interests that I can befriend.

Any local clubs where you are?

LegacyUser · 20-01-2015 10:17pm

OP again,sorry,don't know what happened the rest of my post!

Basically,I have tried on several occasions to reconnect with past friends but it never seemed to go anywhere coz tho they seemed pleased to hear from me,when it came to them getting in touch with me re meeting up or whatever,there'd be nothing & after a few attempts I'd leave it coz I don't want to be chasing or forcing anyone! So like I said I just did my own thing. I often go shopping or for lunch by myself & if I wanted to go for coffee or for a drink I had my mam.

Thing is I'm getting married next year & in planning numbers it's going to be mortifying that I don't have a single friend to invite to a hen night or the wedding. My OH is inviting all his mates (he's the total opposite of me,so sociable & popular!) so it's going to be really obvious that I have no friends to correspond. This makes me feel so embarrassed but also so sad. I am a good,nice person.

So my question is how & where do I find friends? It might sound stupid but I am serious. I have had casual conversation with people & got on ok but no-one really wants any more than that & I think they consider it weird if you do. Everyone seems to already have their clique of friends & it's kind of a case of "I have enough friends,don't need another one" if you try to get further than polite conversation. This has happened me in the past. Certain people I thought were friends were perfectly nice to me in passing but I could never really penetrate their little clique no matter what I did & once I stopped constantly contacting them,they never once contacted me again & now I don't see any of them.

I suppose it must be me because everyone else seems to be surrounded by friends but I just find it so difficult & I don't want to always be the one getting in touch,like the hanger-on that won't take the hint.

I just don't know what to do about this. I know people will say do volunteer work or join a club to meet people but I have even tried this in the past & found that people generally also did these things with friends in the first place so didn't find it much of an oppurtunity to penetrate these little groups either.

My wedding is not the only reason I want to make some friends,I've been feeling a little lonely for some time now altho I convinced myself I was happy to be a loner. But I admit the wedding has spurred me on to do something coz I am panicking now that my side of wedding group will be blatantly lacking any friends & I will be so mortified that everyone will think it so weird. Can you imagine?? The bride has no friends,not one!! Oh god,I'm almost hyperventilating just at the thought of it,I think I would want the ground to open up & swallow me & that's hardly the way you want to feel on your wedding day,is it?

I also have begun to panic that once my mam's health begins to go,or god forbid when she herself goes I will have no-one. (Obviously my OH but you know what I mean.) But that's a different issue.

So yeah,apologies for rambling on but I'm at a loss at what to do or how to go about it. I'm actually crying now typing this coz I feel like such a weirdo - what other 30-something woman has not one mate?? Like I said I'm not odd or a bitch or anything,I'm perfectly normal in every other way & a nice person. I don't know if maybe I'm a bit socially awkward or fussy or if everyone is just already so settled in their familiar little group of mates & aren't interested in making any more. I don't work outside the home btw so have no workmates or anything.

Anyone relate to this or have any ideas/suggestions?

Thanks everyone. Sorry again for long post.

spongebob89 · 20-01-2015 11:23pm

lonergirl wrote: »

OP again,sorry,don't know what happened the rest of my post!

Basically,I have tried on several occasions to reconnect with past friends but it never seemed to go anywhere coz tho they seemed pleased to hear from me,when it came to them getting in touch with me re meeting up or whatever,there'd be nothing & after a few attempts I'd leave it coz I don't want to be chasing or forcing anyone! So like I said I just did my own thing. I often go shopping or for lunch by myself & if I wanted to go for coffee or for a drink I had my mam.

Thing is I'm getting married next year & in planning numbers it's going to be mortifying that I don't have a single friend to invite to a hen night or the wedding. My OH is inviting all his mates (he's the total opposite of me,so sociable & popular!) so it's going to be really obvious that I have no friends to correspond. This makes me feel so embarrassed but also so sad. I am a good,nice person.

So my question is how & where do I find friends? It might sound stupid but I am serious. I have had casual conversation with people & got on ok but no-one really wants any more than that & I think they consider it weird if you do. Everyone seems to already have their clique of friends & it's kind of a case of "I have enough friends,don't need another one" if you try to get further than polite conversation. This has happened me in the past. Certain people I thought were friends were perfectly nice to me in passing but I could never really penetrate their little clique no matter what I did & once I stopped constantly contacting them,they never once contacted me again & now I don't see any of them.

I suppose it must be me because everyone else seems to be surrounded by friends but I just find it so difficult & I don't want to always be the one getting in touch,like the hanger-on that won't take the hint.

I just don't know what to do about this. I know people will say do volunteer work or join a club to meet people but I have even tried this in the past & found that people generally also did these things with friends in the first place so didn't find it much of an oppurtunity to penetrate these little groups either.

My wedding is not the only reason I want to make some friends,I've been feeling a little lonely for some time now altho I convinced myself I was happy to be a loner. But I admit the wedding has spurred me on to do something coz I am panicking now that my side of wedding group will be blatantly lacking any friends & I will be so mortified that everyone will think it so weird. Can you imagine?? The bride has no friends,not one!! Oh god,I'm almost hyperventilating just at the thought of it,I think I would want the ground to open up & swallow me & that's hardly the way you want to feel on your wedding day,is it?

I also have begun to panic that once my mam's health begins to go,or god forbid when she herself goes I will have no-one. (Obviously my OH but you know what I mean.) But that's a different issue.

So yeah,apologies for rambling on but I'm at a loss at what to do or how to go about it. I'm actually crying now typing this coz I feel like such a weirdo - what other 30-something woman has not one mate?? Like I said I'm not odd or a bitch or anything,I'm perfectly normal in every other way & a nice person. I don't know if maybe I'm a bit socially awkward or fussy or if everyone is just already so settled in their familiar little group of mates & aren't interested in making any more. I don't work outside the home btw so have no workmates or anything.

Anyone relate to this or have any ideas/suggestions?

Thanks everyone. Sorry again for long post.

Hi there, I can totally relate.. Im a young man and had close friends down the years but they battan down the hatches as soon as they get a girlfriend.. (very annoying) and good friends id meet in college we would gradually lose contact after college as they'd live on the other side of dublin.. yet if only one was living near me i know wed make it last.. but thats the luck. I don't particularly like the lads in my area alot of them are not my type.. Ego shams..

My girlfriend now has loads of friends good friends something i wish i had.. And it drives me mad jealous an i hate that im jealous, I too am a genuine good person but were just not getting the opportunity to meet the right people

But you have this wedding coming up an I understand your concern.. Have you any relatives? Couisns sisters? They'd be great for filling up your corner

LegacyUser · 21-01-2015 12:36am

lonergirl wrote: »

what other 30-something woman has not one mate??

Ok, just on this point. The answer is "loads". Just going by boards.ie alone, I've probably happened across several dozen threads and posts, in PI, in The Ladies Lounge, and in a couple of other forums too from people in your exact same situation. People's friends from when they are younger, get married and start families and drift, they emigrate, they move for work to other parts of the country, and a number of other things, and the situation just sneaks up on people. They carry on doing their own thing too, and then the time comes when they just stop and think, "I miss that". You are by no means the only one in that situation. It's far more common than you think, probably more in these last few years than at any other time. I just noticed you mentioned things like "I'm a nice person", a few times, as if to say "what's wrong with me that I'm in this situation?", and the answer is nothing. Lots of people have just happened to find themselves in the situation for all the reasons above and many others. Like I said, it just kind of sneaks up on you, on all kinds of people.

I mainly just wanted to reply to the bit I quoted but as a suggestion, Meetup.com can be really great. They have all kinds of groups on there related to different interests, and none, and anyone can start a new one if any of the ones already in existence don't seem to suit, and a lot of the people do tend to be people looking to make new friends, so not going to them with their already established friends. So that could be worth taking a look at. Can be a really fun way to meet people and make friends.

Hang in there. Try not to feel too down about things. And you are definitely not alone in the situation you have found yourself in, not by a long shot. xx

ongarboy · 21-01-2015 10:54am

OP, I wouldn't underestimate the value or strength of friendship that you have (or will have with your soon to be husband and your teenage daughter (particularly as she gets older) or your mother. Having one good friend is worth much more than dozens of acquaintances who you can have loads of nights out with but who you can't confide in when you've a personal issue.

I don't have a large circle of friends either. I would count my partner and family members as my closest friends along with one other best mate. I rarely have a group to go out with and certainly don't have a regular gang but I'm more a one to one person anyway so it suits me. Perhaps you are letting the idea of how your hen or wedding will look magnify the issue unnecesarrily. You don't have to have a traditional hen. Why not book a spa treatment for your mother, daughter, yourself and anyone else you are comfortable inviting followed by a classy dinner and some cocktails? You are not trying to score points with anyone on how big or "mad" your hen was. The wedding can be a small intimate affair also without having to invite masses.

LegacyUser · 21-01-2015 5:37pm

Hi guys,thanks for your replies.

Ongarboy,my wedding is going to be a small affair anyway - just family & close friends is what we agreed & then I started thinking sure,I don't have any friends. I will have my sister & sisters in law but the small numbers will only highlight my lack of friends I think. My OH will have his family & then his group of mates wheras I will just have my family & I think it will be like an elephant in the room.

Tractractrac,I know I'm not the only one but it sure feels that way when I look around at others. And I'm afraid that won't be much consolation on my wedding day - I can't see myself explaining to OH's friends that I have no friends but there's loads of other women out there like me! People are traditional & judgemental & automatically think someone is weird if they don't have any friends. Can't blame them really,I'm sure I thought this myself in the past. I will look into meetup.com but am sceptical. It seems odd to online-shop for friends.

Spongebob89,I know exactly what you're saying about jealousy - I find myself getting increasingly jealous & bitter that my OH has his mates & is looking forward to spending time with them on the day. I feel like I deserve that too. I will probably end up hanging off of him & his mates like some kind of needy,desperate person,which of course is exactly what I am because I am dependent completely on him & my family.

This is getting me down so much. I want to do something but don't know where to start without making a fool of myself. I will come across as creepy if I go hunting for friends!

December2012 · 21-01-2015 10:12pm

Do you socialise with your fiancée and his friends?

santana75 · 22-01-2015 12:25am

Op I understand your dilemma. I think it's something that will require some lifestyle surgery. I think the first thing to do though is to create a healthy relationship with yourself because right now your saying things to yourself like "weirdo" or "loner"and you're wondering if you're fussy or socially awkward, basically you're trying to figure out if there's something wrong with you. Its good to be aware but at the same time it seems like you've turned against yourself. You have to stop that and start liking yourself regardless of how many friends you have, your worth is independent of anything like how many friends you have or your job or if you're extensively travelled or anything external.
It really is very important to love yourself because that creates a rock solid foundation from which everything else is built. People who love themselves just attract others into their lives without effort, it just happens.
My advice is to figure out what you're passionate about and set about pursuing those passions. So if you like dancing, go to a dance class, there's a lot of them on all over the place, every night. Create a loving relationship with yourself and follow your heart. I guarantee you if you do those things everything will be ok.

DeclanJWhite · 22-01-2015 12:49am

Well, if I was with your husband's group of friends on the day of your wedding and saw you only with your family, I would think, only passingly, wouldn't be much of a thought at all, one of two things: 1st - what an interesting, nice, quiet woman, just here with her family, and look how close she is to her mother, how nice, and she seems happy with her two children, what a nice, private scene.

2nd thought, if I didn't have the 1st one: what an interesting, mysterious, reserved lady, I wonder is she as intelligent as she appears, what a lucky husband has been made today! :-)

I would have the first thought as I'm a sensible man in his thirties. If I were in my twenties, I would've had the second, more romantic, less realistic thought.

These would only be the briefest thoughts and seeing as you're bothered at all to be wondered what anyone except your husband will be thinking on your day of happiness, your wedding day, that will be the thought on that matter from the sane people in the room, I reckon, if I'm any reliable indicator of sanity.

LegacyUser · 22-01-2015 1:40am

lonergirl wrote: »

Tractractrac,I know I'm not the only one but it sure feels that way when I look around at others. And I'm afraid that won't be much consolation on my wedding day - I can't see myself explaining to OH's friends that I have no friends but there's loads of other women out there like me! People are traditional & judgemental & automatically think someone is weird if they don't have any friends. Can't blame them really,I'm sure I thought this myself in the past. I will look into meetup.com but am sceptical. It seems odd to online-shop for friends.

Well it does seem a bit odd if that's how you phrase it.

To be honest I would have thought something similar to that before I went along to a few of them. In reality, it's just another avenue for socialising, like heading down the pub, or joining a club, or whatever. It's really nothing more than people with a shared interest (even if that interest is sometimes just meeting up with a bunch of new people and having a laugh for an hour or two over a couple of drinks) meeting up and having a bit of craic. It's not like everyone there is going to be weighing each other up as potential friends, or auditioning themselves as potential friends, or anything.

It's literally just a bunch of people, that haven't met before hanging out for a little bit, doing a thing (or not), and laughing and chatting away with each other, enjoying the craic for a bit. And from that kind of situation some people generally just tend to get on with each other quite well on occasion, have a good time, and stay in touch. It's just a way to meet people in a social setting you mightn't normally run into in your day to day life.

It's first and foremost just a fun thing to do if you've a bit of time to kill and feel like doing something a little bit different to the usual.

LegacyUser · 22-01-2015 3:00am

What a lovely thing to say DeclanJWhite,thank you so much,that has made my day! I hope others are as understanding & broad-minded as you but I fear not.

December2012,no I don't socialise with my OH & his friends as we have a very clingy toddler who is a very bad sleeper & can't be left without one of us (he is nearly 3 & never slept through the night yet!) Most of his mates are single anyway so I wouldn't really fancy being the only girl crashing a boys' night out!

Santana75,I understand what you're saying but I think I do have a good relationship with myself. I actually really enjoy my own company & know that I'm a nice,intelligent person who would make a great friend for anyone. I'm just wondering if I'm too fussy because a lot of people really annoy me with the things they do (like I find some things just plain rude & Ireally hate bad manners & thoughtlessness). Maybe that comes across & puts people off? I don't think my expectations or standards that way will ever change though. With regard to pursuing my interests,I hate when people say that coz it sounds really bad to say it but I don't really have any?! Oh god,no friends AND no intetests!!! Does everyone else really truly have all these hobbies & interests? Basically, I look after my little boy all day,may meet my mam for lunch/coffee,do a bit of housework,bring my daughter to dance class,watch tv after kids go to bed. Repeat X 7,there's my week. Honestly don't really have any interests,can't even think of one thing I'd like to do even if I did have the time/money. I'm quite shy so that holds me back too,it's a bit of a vicious circle really.

Thanks for taking the trouble to reply. I wish chatting to people in general were as easy as chatting to people on here!

DeclanJWhite · 22-01-2015 12:58pm

You're welcome, a pleasure :-)

Dutchess · 22-01-2015 1:06pm

This is a very common thing, I am somewhat in the position myself. And making friends is certainly not easy!

I am wondering though, why do you want friends? I hope it is not only to have people at your wedding. Because really all that matters is that you are with who you care about on the day. Also, friendships do take some time and energy. You're describing your week as having no time for hobbies, but that might mean you have no time for friends either...

Maybe ask your fiance to take your daughter to dance class every so often and/or take care of the kids when he is not at work so you can go do something for yourself. It's not really fair that he can go see his mates and have you stay home with the children all the time. If you can involve him a bit more in taking care of the kids, it would hopefully free you up for a hobby. Also, I am not a parent so I am not certain, but is there mommy/child things you can attend during the day? It may be good to make friends with fellow mums as they understand your position best...

Good luck!

December2012 · 22-01-2015 11:17pm

Your toddler is an in! Have you joined any mother and toddler groups in your area?

LegacyUser · 23-01-2015 9:53pm

Yeah I have taken my toddler to a few things & have spoken to other mothers. Everyone's perfectly polite but that's kind of as far as it goes really,it's obvious that it's circumstantial chat & no-one's really looking to make real friends. I think this is pretty much the case in most areas of life - I exchange chit-chat & pleasantries with the girl working in my local cafe all the time but I think she'd think I was nuts if I suggested mewting up or going for a drink!

My fiance is very good with taking the kids in fairness to him. It's not that I don't have any time to myself coz I do. We both share childcare & both have our "me time". It's just that he spends his "me time" out with his mates & I spend mine alone wandering around the shops or whatever. To be honest I spend most of my time with the kids because if I didn't,I'd have nothing to do! And no-one to do it with! I have plenty of time for a hobby,I just can't think of one that interests me!!

I don't just want to make friends for my wedding. I would like to have some friends anyway. But I do admit that the prospect of my wedding is making it that bit more urgent because I will be both embarrassed & saddened if I have none on the most special day of my life. :-(

Jaxxy · 24-01-2015 3:09am

OP, you say your fiancée's friends are mostly single? Surely one, or maybe even two of them have a significant other/girlfriend!? Why not invite out another couple to dinner?

Also, I know you say your toddler is fussy and clingy, but come on, don't stand in your own way here. At some stage you're going to have to leave the child alone so you and your soon to be new husband can have some alone time. Surely your mother has a close relationship with your children (as she does with you) and could placate any fussiness? Let your mother babysit in your house, and have your teenage daughter stay home too to facilitate some comfort and familiarity for your youngest.

Go on a double date. Or even just go out with your OH when he's meeting his pals in the pub. You don't even have to stay all that long, but you can spend some time getting to know his circle, and letting them get to know you in a social situation. Trust me, if you do this you're going to feel a hell of a lot more like yourself around them when it comes to your wedding day.

If you're still dead-set against going out, why not invite them around to yours? Have a Valentine's Day get-together. A Paddy's Day party (BBQ if it's not lashing rain!). If someone's birthday is coming up, make a fuss, get him to invite some of his friends.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself with regard to the big day. Chances are, NOBODY will have any negative thoughts about you, or toward you, when they're all gathered together to celebrate the special occasion for the two of you. All of his favourite people will be there and all of your favourite people will be there. And most importantly, you'll be there together.

If I were to get married tomorrow my side would be comprised of my immediate family, and my one best friend. And to be honest, I wouldn't even spare that a thought. While my own OH has a massive circle of friends that he's picked up and kept in touch with for his entire life (he's much better at that than I am), I know each and every one of them and they've all taken me in and welcomed me into the fold without any prejudice.

Give your fiancée's people a chance to do the same for you!

santana75 · 24-01-2015 10:51am

lonergirl wrote: »

To be honest I spend most of my time with the kids because if I didn't,I'd have nothing to do! And no-one to do it with! I have plenty of time for a hobby,I just can't think of one that interests me!!

Op you said that you have a good relationship with yourself but the above quote would contradict that. You just seem like you dont know yourself at all, even though you spend a lot of time in your own company. I'd challange your belief that you have no hobbies or interests. Trust me, every single person in the world has interests, its part of being alive and human, we're all hard wired for growth, youre no different. Sometimes its immediately obvious where our passions lie, but a lot of the time it takes experimentation and some digging to figure yourself out and what makes you tick/float your boat. The important point though is, to experiement, start trying things, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I know a guy who at the age of 44 decided to try gymnastics........he's 49 now and he is an amazing gymnist, he competes in and wins a lot of competitions. He absolutely loves gymnastics and he has made so many friends in the world, real friends, people he's now connected to even outside the gym. This guy had never done anything like this before in his life, he just gave it a go and decided to let things play themselves out.
OP just start trying things, dont be outcome dependent, just give them a go with no expectations, dont go into things expecting to make lifelong friends or anything like that because thats too much pressure on you and everyone else. Go into things with the just the open mindset that youre there to live and try something new. At the very least you'll grow and that in itself is an awesome feeling.

DeclanJWhite · 24-01-2015 1:33pm

lol that's a great story about the gymnast friend. I feel like doing back flips reading it. I won't be doing back flips, though. :-D

Aimeee · 25-01-2015 12:43am

A lot of the mums I know would have met each other when their children started school, so this might be an option down the line?
Another thought from reading your posts, you seem to have a circle already established ie your mum and daughter. This is not to unusual where I live, a common sight, mums and sisters would be the social circle esp the stay at home mothers. It's hard to meet people if you not at work every day. Also from the outside you possibly look sorted/busy/not available. It's hard to fit everybody in.
Is it possible you could join a class or (running for example) club, talk to people forget about yourself for that while and work from there.
You seem like a nice (normal:-)) kinda person from your posts, get outside your head for a while, you'll be surprised I think, and Enjoy your wedding, sounds like it will be very special.

I literally have no friends!

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