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22-10-2013, 17:08   #1
scared123
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Scared of moving out and leaving elderly parents

I am in my early twenties and have recently been given the opportunity to relocate for work. I also live at home. The job is low waged, but I would have enough to live independently and I could 100% live out, although I'd imagine there will be a bumpy few weeks figuring out budgets and things. My problem surrounds my parents. I love them both dearly although we are not the sort of family to say it. They are older parents and have several minor-ish medical conditions which are age related. They are both relatively active, but my father in particular has had a number of health scares in recent years which involves regular hospital check ups. All of my siblings and parents live in the same county, and I will be working down the other end of the country.

The thought of something happening to them when I'm away and me not being there for them deeply upsets me. I don't know what I would do. I could turn down this job but if I do I will be unemployed as my current position will be gone from where I'm based now. I am the youngest and like to be there for my parents, even if just for the company as they live in a remote area. I think their wellbeing is increased by my presence - that sounds bigheaded, but when one can't be bothered staying up and goes to bed early I sit up with the other for a while and have tea and a chat. I feel like I'm bonding with them like I never did before, as I am old enough now to appreciate them and not clash heads with them too regularly.

I also don't want to be the one of the family that just fecked off to earn cash (not even enough to give them a cut each week - which I would really like to do as a thank you) and then swan back red eyed if they die suddenly, or worse leave their care in the hands of my siblings, and be the one to not help out if they get sick. The new job will give me a 9 month probationary period after which time I can leave if its not for me.
 
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22-10-2013, 17:33   #2
R.D. aka MR.D
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I think that it is admirable that you want to be there for your parents but you are young and you need to go an live your life.

You parents won't be around forever. What are you going to do after they are gone if you've dedicated your whole life to them?
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22-10-2013, 18:17   #3
scared123
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Well they don't require care at the moment, and to say I dedicate my life to them is pushing it. They are just a huge part of my life. I am aware of their mortality every day. Even if it is just a fleeting thought, the idea of not being there when they leave this world feels horrible.
 
22-10-2013, 20:20   #4
moochers
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Hey OP

You need to move out and do your own thing. If you don't you could end up staying at home being a caretaker for the next twenty years which you will definitely end up resenting.

Your parents are not your responsibility and as much as they love you at home, they hopefully will respect and understand that you have to lead an independent life.

Please go for the job opportunity and do not feel guilty.
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22-10-2013, 20:58   #5
TheminxIRL
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Hi Op

I really admire you for wanting to stay and be there for your parents but i bet if you sat down with them and said all this they would be horrified that you would put your life on hold for them.

You are so young and need to gain your independence, you wont be in another country so would there be anything stopping you from popping home and being with them at weekends?

They really arent your sole responsibility either, you said you have siblings close enough by, could you all do a rota that ye go and check in on them on various nights to see if they are ok or need anything?

Technically they are still quite young and might have some small problems but that comes with age unfortunately and may only niggle them slightly for many years to come.

Where will you be in another twenty odd years, no life of your own and then on your own

No parent would expect this from their child but it is admirable that you are even considering putting your own life on the back burner
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22-10-2013, 21:04   #6
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I understand where you're coming from. It sort of happened to me. My mother became very ill with an incurable degenerative disease and there was no one at home bar my father. My job was away from home and I started coming home every single weekend to help. Now my mum's dead and I'm looking back at the experience with mixed feelings. I'm glad I came home to help my mum but I've also got regrets. I now know I invested far too much of myself into home. I didn't socialise at all hardly and got too sucked into what has happening at home. Now I'm 40 and starting to feel like that odd spinster aunt that most families have.

My advice to you is to take the job and see what happens. You can't predict the future. Maybe your parents will do well for several years to come and won't really need you. You can still keep an eye on things and come home to visit. In the coming years you might be able to get a better job locally if that's what you want.

Don't rule out home help. The HSE has cut back on this but there is still help available. Don't ever refuse any offer of help from the HSE and keep well in with your public health nurse. You might not like the thoughts of strangers helping your parents but it's something that isn't as bad as you think.
 
22-10-2013, 22:18   #7
Neyite
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scared123 View Post
I am in my early twenties and have recently been given the opportunity to relocate for work. I also live at home. The job is low waged, but I would have enough to live independently and I could 100% live out, although I'd imagine there will be a bumpy few weeks figuring out budgets and things. My problem surrounds my parents. I love them both dearly although we are not the sort of family to say it. They are older parents and have several minor-ish medical conditions which are age related. They are both relatively active, but my father in particular has had a number of health scares in recent years which involves regular hospital check ups. All of my siblings and parents live in the same county, and I will be working down the other end of the country.

The thought of something happening to them when I'm away and me not being there for them deeply upsets me. I don't know what I would do. I could turn down this job but if I do I will be unemployed as my current position will be gone from where I'm based now. I am the youngest and like to be there for my parents, even if just for the company as they live in a remote area. I think their wellbeing is increased by my presence - that sounds bigheaded, but when one can't be bothered staying up and goes to bed early I sit up with the other for a while and have tea and a chat. I feel like I'm bonding with them like I never did before, as I am old enough now to appreciate them and not clash heads with them too regularly.

I also don't want to be the one of the family that just fecked off to earn cash (not even enough to give them a cut each week - which I would really like to do as a thank you) and then swan back red eyed if they die suddenly, or worse leave their care in the hands of my siblings, and be the one to not help out if they get sick. The new job will give me a 9 month probationary period after which time I can leave if its not for me.
Go for it. Seriously - you wont be low waged forever, and no matter where the job is, you are always less than a long drive away, so once you build up your career a bit, get a car for yourself you can be home in a few hours. As well as that, you should do this now while they are in relatively decent health and mobility. If and when they DO need live in care, you may be able to negotiate a better position with better pay based on your experience and skills learned in this role.

Our parents and our forebears are no strangers to having to leave home to find work. In your parents generation, the last big recession was the 80's and I remember them well, lots of kids had dads who worked away all week in the big cities leaving them behind, some dads even worked abroad and only came home for school holidays. Many more emigrated, mostly to the US. So they will absolutely understand you needing to go where the work is.

My child is only a toddler, but as an adult, I want him to realise his dreams, whatever they are and wherever they take him. I would hate it if I felt me being old impacted on him taking up opportunities that he wants. I'm sure it wasn't easy at times for your parents to fund your education, but they did it for this very purpose - so that you would have more choice in your career, more earning potential, and more opportunities to succeed.
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22-10-2013, 23:20   #8
scared123
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Thank you for the advice guys. Someone mentioned that they are relatively young, well they are not really. My mother is in her late sixties and my dad in his mid seventies. I also think I will miss them a great deal. I had never really thought about moving out, but I somehow imagined I would take this step with a partner or a college friend at least. I know they would be disappointed to think that I'm letting my obligation to them get in the way of my future

I think I just saw myself living in the family home forever. I would be the last one left as everyone else in the family is settled with houses and partners. I think if I left my parents might think I have no real affection for our home place, and I do. I would like to raise children in the area.

I know I'm lucky in that I don't have to emigrate and recognise that this is an absolute privilege these days, but still ...in ways I think I'm more attached to them than my friends are to their parents. Shortly before I was born mam wasn't well with a life threatening disease so illness has always been discusses and formed my vision of my mam and dad in some way if that makes sense.
 
23-10-2013, 08:47   #9
Stavro Mueller
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I think for your own good you should take the job. What I'm reading is someone who is very (too?) attached to home and is afraid to strike out on their own. Perhaps you're using your parents as a justification for you staying inside your comfort zone. It wouldn't have been any easier to move out of home if it had been with a partner or a college friend. By the sounds of things you are loading all the guilt etc. onto your own back. The way you're going on you'd think that you were the only sibling in the family. Your brothers and sisters are every bit as capable of stepping into the breach if needs be. Don't take on all of this burden yourself.

On a pragmatic level what harm will taking the job do? It's better than sitting at home on the dole isn't it? Are you really that attached to your parents that you're willing to sacrifice your education and future career because of your unwillingness to move? Just because you relocate doesn't mean you can't stay in touch with them. It's not the moon you're moving to. You can always keep your eye out for other jobs locally and move back in the future.

You said yourself that your parents would be disappointed to think that you're letting your obligation to them get in the way of your future. So don't guilt yourself into staying. It'll be hard for you and for them at first but it'll do you both good. Your parents are older but they're not helpless. You're not abandoning them and I'm sure they don't think that.
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23-10-2013, 09:56   #10
Move out
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Not being mean, but have you ever thought that you are crowding your folks, and they could be dying for you to grow up and move out?

Your assumption that you are adding to their life/free time is a bit arrogant and patronising. They're old, not stupid!

Grow up and make your own way in life, and finally give your folks the freedom to do the same. I can't believe that you are hanging around behaving like a child at your age OP. would you not let them off the hook at this stage?!
 
23-10-2013, 10:35   #11
trio
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Nope nope nope nope. As someone with very ill elderly parents who has to take care of them, I would urge you to take this chance. I adore my parents - but I am profoundly glad I got to have my twenties independanty before all this happened. Cos now I am the parent.

Their health wasn't perfect when I was your age - but they could live independantly. I too felt a bit of guilt living away, but I knew in my heart they would only get older, so my youth was now or never.

You sound like you will be their primary cargiver in 10 years time. You have the emotional tie. So basically you only have a small window. Other families - the kids have until their 40's (or older) before they have to worry about "what to do about Mam and Dad" but us with older parents have much less time to have a proper youth.

I moved away and they were glad. I phoned twice a week and went home every second week. They were ok. They missed me, but they were definately ok. But I know had I stayed at home I wouldn't have done anything except been their emotional crutch. And much as I like them, I needed to develop personally too, on my own.

Last edited by trio; 23-10-2013 at 10:42.
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23-10-2013, 14:59   #12
Emme
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OP take the job and move away. You can visit your parents every second weekend, I wouldn't advise visiting any more often than that. Build a life for yourself and a career. Your parents won't be around forever so even if you take time out from your career later to help out you won't be without skills when you return to the workforce. Don't count on anybody being around to look after you later, you owe it to yourself to ensure you have the skills to support yourself.

Have your parents said they don't want you to take the job or move away? Maybe they want you to take this opportunity and become more independent.

You also need to make friends and a life for yourself. Your siblings have that, why shouldn't you?

If anything happens your parents your siblings live in the same county so your parents can contact them in an emergency. It's your turn to have a life now so take this chance.
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23-10-2013, 15:44   #13
freshpopcorn
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I would advise you to take the job OP. Ireland is a small enough country and it would be easy enough to travel home to see them if you wanted to stay in contact.
Thus taking this job will allow you to gain experience and it might lead you to getting a job closer to home in the future if you wanted to move back their.
Also, if you parents did need a bit of help during the day. You could talk to the district nurse about organising a bit of home help if they needed it.
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24-10-2013, 00:51   #14
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At this stage of your life you should be planning on leaving home as it is some thing that most people do in there early 20's.
Your job is relocating so you think it would be better to live at home with no job, on the dole with elderly parents because your afraid to move on with your own life.
This is a chance to move to a new area, make new freinds and move on with your own life.
Also as you get older the more work experience and courses you do the better your income should become.
Most people I know at your age were willing to leave home for work, worked long hours, did course/degrees and post grads when working full time so they had more options as they got older and need a higher income to get married, buy a home ect. Also doing this helped them get a good job in an area they wanted to live in or move back to the area they came from.

I have a friend who was like you in her early 20's. She stayed living at home despite having a good job rather than moving on with her own life. She is now in her early 40's single and still living at home. She works full time in a stressful job and spends her free time working at home. Her family just expect her to do this and if her parents need care in the future she will be left doing this on her own.

Ok if you stay at home now you will have no job and have very little dole money.

How would you feel in the next 5 to 10 years when you watch your freinds meeting partners, getting married, buying homes, traveling and having families meanwhile your still at home with Mammy and Daddy, with no money or no life.
If your parents need care in the next number of years why should your siblings leave this all to you? Also if you end up caring for an elderly parent/parents you will need time off from this.
If your parents need nursing home care in the future you may have to sell the family home so you can't think if you stay at home long term you will get the house.
In the majority of case a family home is sold and the children each get a share of proceeds.

At this stage of your life you need to make your own plans and work on your own career now so you have a good long term future.
Your siblings have left home and have a life so why should you not have a life of your own.
 
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24-10-2013, 14:08   #15
Matteroffact
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As a parent of a son in his twenties whom I dearly love, I would much prefer to see him branching out in life, and learning how to live independently than living with me. I would be worried about him if he didn't make a move. Of course he would never know this because I would never tell him, in case he felt I was pushing him out. So as much as you love your parents and they love you my guess is that they would prefer you to get on with your life. They would rather die knowing that you are fixed up in life, than have you living with them right up to the end. Of course they love your company but they would far rather see you getting on in life and then they could die happy when the time comes. Best of luck Op, just go for it knowing that you will have made the right decision.
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