I have recently started at college and am finding myself very anxious about going in. I have been sexually assaulted a few times in the past and come from an abusive home so what is unknown is interpreted as threatening by my brain. Yay! (sarcasm)
All the understanding the mechanisms and once a week therapy will help long-term but for now I'm stuck in my house and, if I try to go to college again, I'll just get more and more anxious the closer I get. It's like a really useless GPS system. When I get to class I break out in sweat and get squeaky voiced if I have to talk. I get paranoid about the guys eyes on me. I end up finding a sppot on the grounds and have a cry - well, it feels like the tears burst out of me. So, I probably am on my way to class basket case.
The stress I'm experiencing is affecting my friendships and relationships and health, I think the problem there is resentment (eg my bf gets to w@nk but my body has a 75% chance of deciding it's not going to feel anything at any sexually enjoyable moment alone or as a couple) and feeling disguted with myself for having this dip again. I've experienced this before and never been able to get through it with the relationship intact but this guy's different and for the first time I am HOPING that I'll be able to get ok. He doesn't understand that the 25% of the time it works is an anomaly. Ususally when my body shuts down/decides it can't trust you sexually, it's gone.
So, I've decided to treat the resentment with changing my negative outlook around but how do I do that? My therapist pointed out that the "affirmation" "most people don't want to hurt me" was negative but that was what I came up with when trying to be "positive" so how DO I get my brain to give me positive reinforcement? How do I get to colege without feeling like my chest is going to turn into a blackhole and an unpuffy, hasn't been crying face? How have other people dealt with sexual numbness post-trauma? And, how do I keep my relationships when I'm all negative, self-obsessed and prima donna like (those things are very unhealthy defense/coping machanisms that need an alternative in place before they can stop)?