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One Time Thing

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  • 06-09-2013 6:47pm
    #1
    walkinFinchley
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭


    I'm not sure if this is in the right place, but here goes.

    I'd consider myself to be a straight guy. I'm currently in a relationship with gf for nearly five years, and we're happy as Larry, plans for kids, etc.

    However, one of my previous relationships (4 in total, serious ones anyway) was with another bloke. It's come up in conversation a few times recently and I find it a bit awkward, and I was wondering if anyone out there has had a similar experience.

    I should probably give some back story, apologies in advance if its long winded. Me and this guy had been best mates since we were 15, helped each other out through all the rough bits and the good bits, gave each other advice on girls, families, etc etc etc. Neither of us ever even kissed other blokes, even around the time some of our mates were messing around. Anyway, when we were both 22 we realised it was a bit more than that and we ended up being together. Both of us had split up from long-term(ish) girlfriends, and were living together, spending lots of time together, and it just sort of happened. At the start it was a bit strange, but after a while we both felt that it really fit, even told our families and mates. It was a bit surreal at the start, but we were eventually accepted as a proper couple, and were together for nearly three years. We split up for a variety of 'normal' reasons (not having enough time, not getting on with some of his mates) and when we did he got a job in the States. It was pretty tough for both of us but we still email the odd time, Facebook stuff, planning a visit.

    Now, the thing is this - while I can say I was definitely in love with him, I've never felt that way about anyone except girls, before or since. When I try and think about other guys, or having sex with a different man, it just doesn't really do it for me. However, when it comes up in conversation, or I mention him, I get all the 'well you must be at least bi' or hints that I'm secretly gay, which is pretty offensive, especially to my gf. She's totally grand with it, not an issue at all, but other girls have been really put off by it to the point where I tried to avoid mentioning it completely with girls I was with before.

    I feel completely straight. I was attracted to the ex though, and definitely in love with him, and he's the only fella I can imagine ever feeling anything for again. I don't feel the need to label myself or anything, and if people want to call me bisexual then that's grand, I don't mind really. But I've thought about it a lot, and it's made me wonder.

    So my question is this: Has anyone ever had a one time thing with a person of the same sex, more than just a snog or an experimental shag or whatever, a relationship like, and then never felt it again? It happens, right? It's not a huge deal, I'm just curious as no one I've mentioned it to has, and the conversation always turns back to 'secretly gay' and I don't really bring it up anymore which is a shame, because I'm not ashamed and it was a big part of my life.

    Thoughts appreciated. And again, apologies if this is the wrong forum.


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    #2
    Amirani
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 12,523 Mod ✭✭✭✭Amirani


    I think this is completely normal, and would likely be more common if the general societal attitude to these things was different. The reasoning behind loving someone is a complex one, it's very rarely simple. Some people are too afraid to explore a scenario similar to how you've done for fear of what others would think or what others have told them is "right". That's a real tragedy, because it's denying people opportunities that could make them very happy.

    I haven't had a similar experience to you, but it's not something that would seem completely alien to me either. I'm sure others will be able to give you a better answer, but for me anyway, your situation is completely normal. :)


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    #3
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,055 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Yeah it happens quite often.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #4
    Dr. Shrike
    Registered Users Posts: 102 ✭✭Dr. Shrike


    It's such a shame that you're getting so much trouble for being so open minded an honest. The country is full of men who intend to be closeted all their life, or are having sex with other men behind their wives' back (just try Gaydar or Grindr in somewhat rural areas), yet you're the one getting all the suspicion and disbelief.

    I'm reminded of stories I've heard of men, who were supposedly straight yet became proper couples in prison. They said they would never have believed they could love another man like that. I couldn't quite believe it when I heard, but maybe sometimes empathy and shared experience can overcome the limitations of regular sexual orientation.

    In a way, those women who become so suspicious of you should be pleased by your story, since it suggests that love is more powerful than mere sexual attraction.


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    #5
    listen_lady
    Registered Users Posts: 43 ✭listen_lady


    I had a three-year relationship with my best friend (who is also a girl) from the age of seventeen until twenty. Like you and your ex we had an extremely close relationship beforehand. All our friends knew and we had seriously discussed revealing the relationship to our parents. Our relationship ended when she was offered a once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity overseas and we amicably decided to go our separate ways. I had never been attracted to a girl before and haven't been since.

    Since then, any Irish person I've met has greeted the news of my same-sex history with the raised eyebrows and the clichéd "oh you must be bi/a closet lesbian" reactions. Most of my non-Irish friends have been completely unfazed at the same detail. I think it's a natural reaction in Ireland to react to something that makes you uncomfortable with judgement and labels, especially with such an unknown quantity as bisexuality.

    I consider myself a heterosexual woman, I just had an incredibly powerful bond once with a friend, who happened to be of the same gender, that evolved into a romance. Odd as it sounds, in many ways I believe she was my soulmate.

    Hope my experience helps you make sense of yours. :)


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    #6
    ongarboy
    Registered Users Posts: 5,201 ✭✭✭ongarboy


    Perhaps you are bi even if it means only ever being in love with one person of the same sex but then spent the rest of your life with someone you love (or fancy) of the opposite sex. So what! You don't need to put a straight, bi, gay, asexual or any other label on yourself and others shouldn't either. If you are committed to your girlfriend currently and see yourself with her forever more, then that's all that is significant. Your girlfriend is already comfortable with who you are so don't be bothered by what others say. If they persist, you should question them on why they need to put any label on you. You're who you are now and that's all that matters.

    Perhaps to avoid it coming up in casual conversation again if you find others reactions uncomfortable, you can be selective about what periods or your past you bring up. I've exes who were important to me at the time but are long part of my history and never come up in current conversation nor would many of my current circle of friends even know who they are/were. It's not that I'm hiding my past, it's just not relevant to the present. Likewise, your serious relationship with a man in the past is not relevant to your present so why bring it up or feel the need to detail every ex to those that inquire?


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    #7
    playedalive
    Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭playedalive


    Hi OP. It was so nice to read your story. It just confirms that sexuality is just not concrete at times. I think the main problem here is that a lot of people find the idea of bisexuality hard to believe. I guess a lot of people who question their sexuality often believe they are bi, like myself (I truly believed believed this because I fell in love with all types of people:P) . Then, they can subsequently accept that the emotion is stronger for one particular sex and call themselves gay or straight. Again, in my case, I accepted I was a gay man. It is a shame that people are not more openminded.

    At the same time, it is common that a lot of people just say they are bi when, in reality, they know they are gay. It does make people skeptical of bisexuality. Nevertheless, you can't judge bisexuality on this case. But people lazily do. I'd say you need to regulate mentioning this story to people unless they understand. Like other LGBT people, you'll always have to go with your intuition and see if you can truly be comfortable disclosing your sexuality or one time same sex relationship so that you don't get hurt or annoyed.


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    #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    walkinFinchley wrote: »
    So my question is this: Has anyone ever had a one time thing with a person of the same sex, more than just a snog or an experimental shag or whatever, a relationship like, and then never felt it again? It happens, right?

    Yea it happens. There is an on going joke "truism" some people recite which is that "Everyone is bi - if you think you are not you just haven’t met the right same sex person yet".

    But tongue out of cheek it is probably more common than you think. Take my own situation. I am a straight guy in a relationship with two girls. The girls are not bi in the same way you are not bi - except with each other. Before they met each other - and since - they have not had same sex feelings for any other girls ever. But they are totally loopy about each other. Have been almost since the start - and the love they developed has not shown the smallest signs of cooling down in the last 10ish years.

    So is it possible for a 99,99999999999% straight person to find that magic someone who - despite being the same sex as them - just happens to hit all the right buttons for them? Yea I firmly believe it is and in your case - and in my gfs case - it seems to be a really powerful and pure love going way beyond just feeling sexually attracted and comfortable to the other person.

    I consider myself to be pretty much entirely straight. There is some history were in the heat of the moment where there was something going on with me and a few other people - guys and girls - I engaged in a few acts on the night that were of a homosexual nature.

    But with stories like yours - and my gfs - I sometimes find myself wondering what it would take for a guy to do to me what it did for you and them. What would a guy have to be like in order to break through the fact I am straight?

    And the answer is - I have no idea whatsoever. The girls concur. Had someone asked them BEFORE they met each other what another girl would have to be like they both say they would never have been able to predict it. At all. They found a combination of things in each other that they could not ever have expected to have dreamt up. Like most people - had they been asked before they met if they were bi or would ever be with another girl - they would have confidently answered "No".


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    #9
    walkinFinchley
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭walkinFinchley


    Thanks for the responses folks, really interesting.

    I might have made it sounds like I'm getting more hassle than I am (Dr. Shrike) but cheers for the support. It's more that it tends to invite strange undercurrents into conversation, and has turned (for me) into something best left out of conversation a lot of the time, even when it would be quite relevant.

    I get the logic of not revealing everything all the time, and how some parts of history don't necessarily relate to the present (bringing up every ex etc) but I think it's interesting that Irish people would be a bit more inclined to suggest you're not being completely honest.

    And you're right, I don't feel the need to label myself at all (although I realise now, I did about 3 times in the OP, but that was for the sake of argument) and that's usually other peoples concern. I know in situations involving more than two people (taxAHcruel) it's more likely to happen, and is seen by lots of people as a 'safer' environment to experience that side of things, which is quite nice.

    To be honest I'm proud of it, and would like to be able to talk about it freely, because I think of him fondly, and more often than the others in the past, and because it was (obviously) so different it feels quite special. Hearing other peoples stories is nice too (Listen_Lady, sounds so familiar =) ), and if there are any more I'd love to hear them.


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