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Am I really in the wrong? Or are we both?

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  • 11-07-2013 10:24pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    HI,

    So my best friend is incredibly flirtatious and very very pretty so she usually has men following her like lost puppies. There's a guy we're both friends with who is quite attractive and she has tried to score him a few times but he has always turned her down. I used to have a crush on him but I got over it. She couldn't quite understand why he turned her down (totally new thing for her!) and as a result has always been a little indignant about it. She used to convince herself he liked her and would talk about him a lot. She did kinda like him.

    Anyway, she's been in a relationship with someone else for over a year now and for the last few months said mutual friend has been flirting a lot with me. On Sunday we all went out and he kissed me and I went with it. I find him cute.

    I now seriously regret this. I am afraid of my friend's reaction. She is a brilliant friend otherwise but her one flaw is that she gets quite competitive and jealous with other girls for male attention and I suspect she will be really angry. In a way, I understand what I did wasn't completely above board and I feel guilty, but at the same time she's attached anyway and I have been fending him off for ages. I finally gave in as to be honest I find him really hot and I guess I wasn't thinking properly about the consequences.

    How should I break this to my friend? I don't want to fall out with her. :/
    Tagged:


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    #2
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,830 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I don't know why you think you are wrong? If you tell her, already sounding like you've done something wrong on her, you will give her a green light to be pissed off with you... because you were wrong, after all

    You haven't done anything wrong. You both liked him - he liked you. You can be sure if you both liked him , and he liked her she wouldn't be worried about telling you.

    Don't be apologetic. She might be little bit jealous and thinking "why not me.." but she is in a relationship now - this should mean nothing to her.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    I don't know why you think you are wrong? If you tell her, already sounding like you've done something wrong on her, you will give her a green light to be pissed off with you... because you were wrong, after all

    You haven't done anything wrong. You both liked him - he liked you. You can be sure if you both liked him , and he liked her she wouldn't be worried about telling you.

    Don't be apologetic. She might be little bit jealous and thinking "why not me.." but she is in a relationship now - this should mean nothing to her.

    Well I guess I simplified things a bit in my OP. She had a crush on him before she got into a relationship and used to talk about him a lot. I never really told her I liked him - cos I didn't really. I had had a crush on him like 15 years ago! It was long over. I only started getting interested again when he started paying me attention.

    She can be quite jealous - I have a feeling she'll be annoyed with me for kissing him. I have to tell her though! I didn't display much interest before so in her eyes I guess it looks like she had a crush on him, probably still carries a little bit of a torch and I just turned around and kissed him without any warning or even broaching the topic with her. I am quite nervous about all of this and wish I'd never done it!


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    #4
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    BlueEyedBanana wrote: »
    Well I guess I simplified things a bit in my OP. She had a crush on him before she got into a relationship and used to talk about him a lot. I never really told her I liked him - cos I didn't really. I had had a crush on him like 15 years ago! It was long over. I only started getting interested again when he started paying me attention.

    She can be quite jealous - I have a feeling she'll be annoyed with me for kissing him. I have to tell her though! I didn't display much interest before so in her eyes I guess it looks like she had a crush on him, probably still carries a little bit of a torch and I just turned around and kissed him without any warning or even broaching the topic with her. I am quite nervous about all of this and wish I'd never done it!

    She's in a long term relationship, it shouldn't even be on her radar. This guy also made it clear that he has no interest in her and it was never going to happen. Does this mean he's out of bounds forever???? No, of course not. Like has already been said, if you tell her in an apologetic tone, then she will have reason to jump on it and take you to task. You have nothing to feel guilty about.


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    #5
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    You 've done nothing whatsoever wrong. Just because she liked someone at one time doesn't mean she has some kind of say over anything to do with them, or you.
    She's is in a relationship, she shouldn't care who anyone dates or hooks up with apart from her bf.
    ''Maybe' it'd be a little more complicated if she was still single and actively pursuing the guy, or he was an ex of hers, but that's not the situation. It isn't complicated, it's as simple as simple could be.


    I'll say it again. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. Don't feel guilty and don't be apologetic. Lots of posts on here you have to kind of think about a bit as they are all shades of grey. This isn't. It's perfectly black and white. You're completely in the clear here. Absolutely.

    If she responds in any way jealously or bitchily to you she is bang out of order. Don't put up with it and maybe tell her she should run it by her bf and see what he thinks of her behaviour.


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    #6
    corklad12
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 66 ✭✭corklad12


    If she is your friend she should be able to accept it with out any real bother because if he makes you happy isn't that all that counts. Your friend should also be able to accept that this gut was not interested in her in the first place so it isn't like you stole him from her.


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    #7
    Lawliet
    Registered Users Posts: 2,761 ✭✭✭Lawliet


    BlueEyedBanana wrote: »
    I had had a crush on him like 15 years ago!
    I actually thought you were in your teens by the sound of this problem! Staking a claim on some lad you haven't even kissed is what school girls do, its not the behavior of an adult in a long term relationship. If your friend falls out with you over this its not because you've done something wrong, its because she's seriously immature.

    Tell your friend if you want, but don't 'break it to her' or otherwise tip toe around it, just let her know the same way you'd talk to her about kissing any other guy. If she does get angry point out how ridiculous it is of her to even care.
    Your friend may or may not be jealous, but her pettiness is not your problem don't let stop you from going out with someone you like.


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    #8
    Lorna123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    I actually don't see why you have to tell your friend at all, to be honest. What you do in your own time is your own business. There should be no compulsion to tell anyone. Are you starting a relationship with this guy? If not, then keep your mouth shut and just play it by ear. You don't have to announce anything to your friend and in fact if you do, it would look like you are trying to make her jealous. If this kiss was just a once off then what is the point in telling anyone about it, it is between you and the guy.


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    #9
    Nicman
    Registered Users Posts: 273 ✭✭Nicman


    Wow, this is so childish - have to agree with Lawliet here.

    Anyway! Here's how I see it:

    1) Your friend sounds selfish and high maintenance - GET RID!

    2) If you're insisting on keeping this leech as a friend and wasting your time people-please for the rest of your life:
    ask yourself is a fling with this guy worth getting into a row with or losing a friend over? Cause let's face it banana - sounds like you're not really into him apart from thinking he's cute, so I'm guessing you're not after a boyfriend in this guy, more for a bit of, well, "relief" shall we say ;)

    3) If you really just want a fling (which we're all entitled to) and want to risk it then just grow a set for Christ's sake!!! You're a big girl


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    #10
    Forever Hopeful
    Closed Accounts Posts: 275 ✭✭Forever Hopeful


    OP,

    First of all, thrilled to bits for you.
    Secondly, as for your friend, she needs to get over herself. You can be sure if the roles were reversed, she would have no problem hooking up with this guy and wouldn't be stressing about it like you.
    Yes she liked him but he was not interested. Its not YOUR fault, he's not interested in her. She got the message as she's involved with someone else for nearly a year. Don't let her ruin this for you.
    All's fair in love and war.


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I agree that I don't see why you have to tell her at all. If you start seeing him then grand, but I'm not sure why you'd be prostrating yourself and doing a big mea culpa to her over one shift.

    And it does sound like you think you're completely in the wrong. Which is bizarre, tbh. You're talking about going to her practically begging her forgiveness. Ridiculous.


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    #12
    Floppybits
    Registered Users Posts: 7,558 ✭✭✭Floppybits


    Eh OP to be blunt, firstly you got to get over this whole "oh I snogged a bloke my mate fancied a while ago". That is your problem. As for your mate well just tell her and then let her get over it. Life is too short to be worrying of little things like this. If you loose a mate over something like this then I am sorry say that she was never really a mate.

    As an aside I wonder how many women are out there who missed out on going out with guys because at one stage one of their friends fancied him?


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    #13
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Mc Kenzie


    In my opinion you did nothing wrong!

    Your friend is already seeing someone else so why would you need to break it to her??

    Its a shame that you feel your friend will not be happy !

    If she is your friend she should be nothing but happy for you.!IMO

    I personally would not like it if i new a friends expects all guys to chase after her even when she is taken.

    Mybe just mention it to her in chitt chat,,you may find that she will be happy for you !!!.......if she is not, i would reconsider her as a friend.


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    #14
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Nicman wrote: »
    Wow, this is so childish - have to agree with Lawliet here.

    Anyway! Here's how I see it:

    1) Your friend sounds selfish and high maintenance - GET RID!

    2) If you're insisting on keeping this leech as a friend and wasting your timel

    WTF? Have you read the OP? So far the OP's friend hasn't done anything wrong. This is seriously OTT.


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    #15
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    OP, I'll echo what the others said - you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for. You shouldn't be feeling guilty either! You like the guy, go for it. So when telling your friend, tell her as you would if you had kissed any guy. Your friend never got together with him and she has a boyfriend. If she has a problem with it, she has no right to and will have to just get over herself.


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I just want to thank everyone for the advice and appreciate you all taking the time to reply to my post. You all seem to agree I didn't do anything wrong - and maybe I didn't. However, other people who know us all have said that it's not something they'd do to their friends and that it wasn't the nicest thing to do.

    Another girl I know inadvertently said the same thing to me when talking about a guy who likes her. Her friend is now taken but used to be obsessed with said guy and she said it'd be common courtesy to run it by her before she scores him. So I'm getting conflicting advice. Maybe on paper I didn't do anything wrong but when people and their feelings are involved things are slightly more complicated. Perhaps I should have said it to her first. I'm going to tell her casually anyway and make out like it isn't a big deal. I'll let you all know the result.

    As for her being happy for me, well, it was just a score. I'm not looking for a relationship from him and he's the same. It's just lust really. I know this all sounds very immature and childish for people in their mid twenties, but unfortunately this is what my friend is like with men and I know there will be fallout so while it may seem childish to be worried about it, I just don't want a row and I'm nervous about her flipping at me.

    I'm not 'getting rid' of my friend tho. She's lovely otherwise.


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