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08-12-2012, 15:21   #1
adviseonissue
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How long after giving birth should you have sex

Hi Guys,

Im just wondering if anyone has any advice on this situtation.

My wife gave birth to our first child during the summer,everything ok and fine but its been 6 months and we still havnt had sex.

Iv brought it up lately as i was always been aware it would be a while after until we did make love and did everything i could to make sure she was happy and taken care of during and after the pregnancy.

Things of course were difficult finding our rhythm as new parents but we seem to have everything settled and are in the swing of things but we still havnt made love.

The days are a standerd routine of feeding the baby when i get home,changeing,cleaning up,watch a bit of tv and then into bed. Our baby sleeps with us but iv been trying to have our baby sleep in the cot next to our bed and when she does agree if i try to and cuddle and possibly lead to sex she will say she is tired.

I know we need time to our selves and their have been a couple of occasions were we have had the house to ourselves but stil lthe same scenario she feels tired and if i suggest maybe a trip she wont leave the babys side other than have her parents have the baby for the night but we cant rely on them as the other times they have taken the baby.

When i bring up i think we may have issues with this she says im just being like a teenager who just wants his bit and it will happen when it happens.

I dont think she has any post natal depression as she is happy and loves our baby abd cant get enough of her so im not sure whats going on.

Is 6 months or longer and average time frame people have waited to make love after having their first baby?
 
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08-12-2012, 21:44   #2
miec
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Hi Op

I know when I had my son many, many years ago that during his first year I had little or no sex drive, however, my marriage broke up when my son was six months old so it is hard for me to judge whether six months is long or short but here is my take on things, I did have sex with my then husband after two months, I wasn't in the mood for it but in my case it was due to my feelings changing. I have heard that a lot of women lose their sex drive after having children but I do feel it is important to keep a marriage going and to keep it strong and I feel in ways your wife is being unfair to you, marriage is not just day to day stuff but intimacy too even when there is children. It is not safe to have a baby all night in the same bed, I never did that, and I think you should sit your wife down and say you are missing the intimacy and connection with her not just looking for your bit (when I read that I found that comment quite crass).
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08-12-2012, 21:54   #3
Merkin
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Originally Posted by adviseonissue View Post
When i bring up i think we may have issues with this she says im just being like a teenager who just wants his bit and it will happen when it happens.
What? What a strange comment to make. And one which quite obviously suggests that she is most definitely not in the mood for sex at all. I think it is important to address this and for it not to become an even bigger issue. You don't want six months turning into twelve months and then eighteen months. There could be a gynaelogical issue at play perhaps? Did she have a very traumatic labour and did she rip quite badly for example? Or did she have a postnatal infection perhaps? These would be obvious reasons for being nervous about having sex again. If you can discount these and she does not have PND then you need to address it. Why don't you suggest a romantic date night (get a babysitter) and give her the opportunity to get dressed and up and feel good about herself and take her out to a really nice restaurant. Maybe being temporarily out of the cycle of nappy changing and feed she might remember why she fell in love with you in the first place! Maybe you just both need to spend a bit more couple time together for her to get in the mood? Who knows, either way it does need to be addressed.
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08-12-2012, 21:59   #4
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Doctors usually give the ok for sex from 6 weeks after a normal delivery.

Obviously its different for everyone but after 6 months you cant really blame the birth (unless there were complications and dr has suggested no sex).

I would try to talk to your partner about it when you are in a nonsexual position (not in bed!) when she is not under pressure and see if you can figure out what the problem is. You are in no way being unreasonable or a teenager, your partner sounds stressed or in denial.

Also just to correct a previous poster, co-sleeping, when done correctly, is in no way unsafe.
 
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08-12-2012, 22:09   #5
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Have you actually tired talking to your wife about this and when I say talk I mean you both talk and listen to each other or did you go from trying to lead her into sex via cuddling in bed to telling her you think your relationship may have issues?

Have you asked her how she feels after giving birth? You say you don't think she has post natal depression but have you actually asked her how she is feeling? How she is coping? Physically doctors say you can resume having sex 6 weeks after child birth but that justs the physical side, emotionally it can be a massive step for a woman and many women find they aren't up for having sex until quite some time after child birth. Alot depends on how the pregnancy and birth went for her. She's pushed a person out of her body and may have issue with what it's going to be like now down there. Having a child changes your body and many women are very aware of that.

Put sometime aside for yourselves to just sit and relax, no pressure on either of you, talk and listen to each other.
 
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08-12-2012, 23:26   #6
mood
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Do the baby sleep in the bed with the two of you? If that is the case it is not safe for the baby. In fact it's very dangerous. The baby should be in it's own room by now and you should have a monitor so you would hear/see if he/she needed attending to.

The only advice I can really give is make sure you are doing your share of child minding and house work so you wife it's over tired. Try being affectionate and romantic and see if it changes anything. Also keep in mind that she could be suffering form postnatal depression.
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09-12-2012, 09:33   #7
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Originally Posted by mood View Post
Do the baby sleep in the bed with the two of you? If that is the case it is not safe for the baby. In fact it's very dangerous. The baby should be in it's own room by now and you should have a monitor so you would hear/see if he/she needed attending to.
What a load of crap! Thats an uneducated and ignorant comment to make. Provided you research properly and take all neccessary safety precautions, co sleeping is safe and natural and in my admittedly limited experience, everyone gets a lot more sleep and time to be together in a calm and safe environment. A lot more people co sleep with great success than will admit to it. But a topic for another day

OP, her comment about being a teenager makes me wonder if she is embarressed and she is taking a defensive stance. No matter how you try to ignore the sometimes completely illogiocal and misguided information you hear while you are pregnant, it's hard not to let some things stick in your head. Could she be worried about how the birth has changed a very imtimate part of her body? Maybe she is afraid that she will no longer be able to satisfy you in the way that she used to? Maybe she is embarrassed about being so vulnerable in front of you during and after the birth that she is afraid she isn't what she used to be in your eyes anymore? Maybe her post baby body is something she is having trouble getting used to and its taking her some time to accept herself as a sexual being rather than some little persons mother?

Motherhood is a huge change and its hard to reconcile your old life and your new life into this new version of yourself. While PND is a valid and terrible thing, just because you may not have it, doesn't mean everything is plain sailing

Last edited by MintyDoris; 09-12-2012 at 11:34. Reason: i can't spell
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09-12-2012, 12:32   #8
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Co-Sleeping is not what the OP asked about, and is off topic. No more discussion on this please.
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09-12-2012, 12:52   #9
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Hi Guys,

Thanks for your replys.

I make sure to let my wife know how beautiful she is everyday and always tell her how great she looks and that she unbelivably attactive,baiscally every compliment i cant think of.

I do as much house work as i can and i take care of our baby when I get home from work as well so im not sure what the issue is.

the birth wasnt to traumatic,after words there were a few compications regarding transfusions but everything was all sorted before we left the hospital

I have brought it up in a non sexual manner and am just told it will happen when it happens.

I love my wife and would do anything for her but this part of our relationship is really suffering and i can myself being frustrated not being able to resolve it.

I miss making love to my wife,it was such a really special and close time we had together
 
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09-12-2012, 14:03   #10
mood
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I do think the baby having it's own room would help. Have you discussed this with your wife? For what reason is the baby in your bed and room?
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10-12-2012, 10:25   #11
trio
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When i bring up i think we may have issues with this she says im just being like a teenager who just wants his bit and it will happen when it happens.
This was a very rude comment for her to make, tbh. It is completely dismissive of her lifepartners concerns. It diminishes you to a dog wanting to hump a leg. There are two of ye in this marriage, not just one.

At this point I would guess that a) her libido has gone done the toilet which does happen post birth occasionally b) she is so consumed by the joy of being a Mother that being a Wife seems like something she can pick up down the road when your precious baby isn't so adorably vunerable and delightful, and c) she really just doesn't give a sh!te about your concerns.

She has told you in no uncertain terms that you can take a flying leap with yourself.

Speaking as a woman, I think after 6 months a certain amount of arguing would be called for here. You're treating her not like an equal partner who has an equal responsibility to be a marriage partner, but as a piece of china who should not be upset by anything. Well feck that - she seems to be enjoying her life - of course she's tired but since the baby is sleeping with ye both and you're working, I doubt you've been getting much sleep either.

I don't know whether her hormones need to be checked at the doctor, or if she's grossed out by doing it in front of Baby, or if she just thinks that closeness is irrelevant now that she has Baby in her life. But you need to be more blunt and tell her what you told us. That its not about the physical release, and its mean of her to dismiss it like that. That you MISS HER!!! And no, sleeping like a dead log beside her and watching X-Factor beside her does not make up that same closeness you feel like you've both lost.
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10-12-2012, 16:33   #12
CaraMay
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Op I had a baby this year and didnt go off sex. typically its ok to get intimat again after the 6 week check up. Your wifes response is just not acceptable. sadly there are women who let on to be mad into sex until they get married and the kids are conceived and then thats the end of it.... you see similar threads from sex less husbands on here all the time.

She needs to take your concerns seriously. if there are no physical issues then you need to get a clear answer from her as to what the problem is. No one should be expected to live a sexless existence. if you are not intimate then, in my view, you are little more than flatmates. Bottom line is you deserve a plain and simple explanation from her.

Last edited by CaraMay; 10-12-2012 at 16:35.
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15-12-2012, 21:03   #13
KCC
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It's usually ok to have sex 6 weeks after the birth. Sorry for the pun, but it's better to get back on the horse as soon as possible - otherwise it can become a bigger deal than it has to be.

It is very normal for a new mother to feel conflicted between her two roles - mother on the one hand, but a sexual being on the other. It's also very hard to stop thinking about the baby all the time. Also, if she is still breastfeeding, it may be affecting her libido.

Since your baby is now 6 months old, it is probably a good time to put him/her firstly into their own cot and then into their own room. You might also want to talk to your wife (outside the bedroom) about how you feel.

It's tough being a new mother - she may feel that there are always demands being put upon her and that she just wants to time to herself. Also, you might need to both plan the "first" time together in advance. Arrange for the baby to stay the night with a family member/trusted friend. At least then there are no excuses.

Bear in mind that she might have hang ups about how her body looks. Speaking as a woman, there is nothing more sexy than being told you are beautiful and seeing in a man's eyes, not just the desire for sex, but for sex with you. Make it worth her while - make it more about the giving than the taking...

Last edited by KCC; 15-12-2012 at 21:38.
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16-12-2012, 11:37   #14
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seems too long

Hi, just to add my experience - I've had 3 c-sections - and the longest I waited to have sex was 5-6 weeks. On my first it was 2 weeks ( I didn't know about the 6 week rule!)
I have to admit I did it purely for my husbands sake as I had no sex drive the first few months. The first few times were painful and I was dry, but I thought I might as well get this over with until it gets better. ( Which it does!)
I think your wife should make more of an effort. Perhaps she's scared - I know I was. I just remind my husband to be very gentle, and soon things get much more enjoyable.
My youngest is 3 months old, and I think I initiated just once since her birth, due to fatigue I can only manage once a week ( we used to around twice) I kee[p reassuring my husband it's just the fatigue ( and possibly the breastfeeding) affecting me, and that I still fancy him as much. I'm confident once the baby moves into her own room, things will start to return to normal.
Your wife in my opinion should make more of an effort to address the situation, rather than just dismiss you. I hope it all works out for you both
 
16-12-2012, 19:19   #15
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Hi Op,

I think some of the other replies are a little harsh. It took me about 4/5 months after the birth of my son to bring myself to have sex again. I suppose there were a few reasons why.

I had an forceps / vacuum / episiotomy + loads of stitches after the birth and I was honestly petrified that the scar would rip open again if we attempted to have sex. I was lucky that the scar healed well and with out infection. The doc cleared us to have sex after 6 weeks but everything felt tender for ages.

In addition, I was worried that things... um... down there and... um... in there... wouldn't be the same as before. Hubby assures me that its all is perfectly normal but not sure I believe him still!

Before baby came along my tummy was always fairly toned but now its a lot softer and has a few stretch marks and i'm horribly self conscious of them.. hate hubby seeing them.

I was knackered all of the time and after a day of dirty nappies and a crying child the last thing I felt like was having sex.

My hubby dealt with things very well thank god! He did his best to joke about it and not let it become a huge issue.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that perhaps the issue your wife has is really a problem with herself and isn't any reflection on you as such. However, maybe your issues aren't the same as mine but I wanted to give you some insight into how I was thinking after my childs birth. You need to talk to your wife and don't let get away with saying you are acting like a horny teenager. Shes just trying to avoid saying what the real issue is.

P.S. A nice dinner cooked by hubby and a (good) few glasses of vino did wonders to relax me and get me over my worries! Baby is 10 months now and all is back to normal...apart from my tummy (
 
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