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Am I being ungrateful?

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  • 16-10-2012 10:10am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'd peoples opinions on this.

    I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. Living with each other a year. For as long as I remember he's never bought me a present that he has put any sort of thought into. For example; it was my birthday 2 weeks ago. He asked me what I'd like and I said I'd like a ring that I had when I was a child but in a proper size. It fits on my baby finger and I'm always wearing it. He bought me a ring that is nothing like the one I asked for. It's not even the same colour. It's gold and I never wear gold jewellery. It's not like he wasn't able to find it. I had attempted to buy it for myself a few months back and he told me not to buy it that he would get it for my birthday.

    I had gotten my hopes up that I would get the ring I wanted and now I've got a ring that I really do not like.

    This obviously is not the only example of this. I've been going to a particular beauty salon for years. Love the place. He knows I go there. He bought me a voucher for a different salon. A salon that I don't like. Anything he buys me is pretty much the same kinda situation. He asks me what I want (or he hears me talking about something and tells me not to buy it because he'll buy it for me), I tell him and then he gets me something different.

    Now I know people might say 'tell him'. I have, once and it didn't go down well. He got really really upset about it. Maybe I approached it wrong. He said 'I kept you the receipt so you can change them if you want'. Me: 'Ok cool 'cause I'm not sure I'd wear them' and he didn't talk to me for a few hours. Said that he went to a lot of effort to get me that gift so I haven't said anything since then.

    Am I being ungrateful here? I'll add that any presents I buy him I go to a lot of time and effort to get them. He cried once at something I got him because he said he had always wanted it etc.


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    #2
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    It sounds to me like he has put some thought into your presents, and that's what you are pissed off about. It seems that you just want him to buy what you tell him, which is fair enough, but he's decided to get you something else which he thinks you will like and that is ultimately the problem.

    It's a tough situation for him. Buying someone a gift voucher for their regular beauty salon involves zero thought and there's probably a lot of people who'd feel a bit disappointed if their other-halfs got them something which required little thought and effort. I'd definitely mention it to him about saying he'll buy something and then he'll get something different though, that's poor form on his part.

    Don't think I'd ever tell someone that I plan on exchanging their gift though, I think that's pretty bad.


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    #3
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    It sounds like he IS trying... but that he's just a bit clueless.

    Instead of getting you what you wanted maybe he is trying to take it one step further eg. a more expensive ring than what you wanted. The same with the salon... maybe he heard from a female friend that they were really good and though you might enjoy going somewhere new and different.

    I'd try to cut him some slack :/ But maybe if there's something in particular you want to buy yourself make sure you're really clear with him that if he doesn't buy that exact thing to let you know so you can buy it yourself.


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    #4
    ElleEm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    I agree with Chucky and Woodchuck.
    It seems like your boyfriend is listening to you, he is just interpreting it differently.
    Maybe he thought he would surprise you with a "nicer"/ more expensive version of the ring you liked. And re the salon, maybe he was trying to pick somewhere special and different for you.

    Some posters on this forum speak of how they never get presents off their partners- in your case it just seems that you are not gettin exactly what you want!


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I've taken on board what you guys are saying.

    What annoys me is the fact that he asks me what I want and then doesn't get it for me so I get my hopes up. If he didn't ask me what I wanted and just surprised me with these things I prob wouldn't be annoyed at all.

    The ring is not a nicer or more expensive one. And the price is not something I care about tbh, it's the fact that it's a big ugly gold ring and I have told him numerous times that I HATE gold.

    Someone else told me that if I really want something to just buy it for myself. Don't mention it to him if he asks.


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    #6
    DeltaWhite
    Registered Users Posts: 666 ✭✭✭DeltaWhite


    Someone else told me that if I really want something to just buy it for myself. Don't mention it to him if he asks.

    Best advice IMO and at least then when he buys you a gift HE has to decide/choose on his own! And you'd be surprised at what you get :) My OH is the EXACT same! It's not that he doesnt care or listen, it really is that some men arent great at that type of thing! I should know I have 3 brothers who are all pretty much the same!! If there is something in particular that I really want, then I just remind him about it :) he doesnt think I'm nagging, I just casually drop it into conversation and those subtle hints seem to work :) But in future I would just let your OH do his own thing and you might get something really thoughtful and nice :) You're not ungrateful! It can be frustrating when you feel like the one you love doesnt listen or care but really OP some men just arent brilliant at the whole gift scenario! Nothing to worry about ;)


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    #7
    sffc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 433 ✭✭sffc


    It's one of the greatest differences between men and women sadly. We guys really don't get the "gift thing" as we are brought up to be providers. Put simply if we really want something we buy it - job done. I doubt if theres a single thread on this website where a guy debates the gifts he recieves .
    However we all know that women are the opposite .. and this also co-exists with the element of suprise which women are SUPPOSED to devour . This all makes it REALLY hard for us.
    The only worthwhile question is does he care and therefore make a decent effort? From your initial post I honestly think he 100% does. Give him a big hug tonight :)


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    #8
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    ungrateful? wrote: »
    I've taken on board what you guys are saying.

    What annoys me is the fact that he asks me what I want and then doesn't get it for me so I get my hopes up. If he didn't ask me what I wanted and just surprised me with these things I prob wouldn't be annoyed at all.

    The ring is not a nicer or more expensive one. And the price is not something I care about tbh, it's the fact that it's a big ugly gold ring and I have told him numerous times that I HATE gold.

    Did you ask him why he got you the ring? Maybe he didn't want to get you a present that you 'already have'. Like I said, guys can be a bit clueless when it comes to this stuff. Just because you've mentioned you don't like gold that doesn't mean he won't be swayed a sales assistant who's giving him advice. He thought you wanted a ring so he got you a ring... sounds like he was trying to do good and it just backfired. (it would be like my boyfriend asking me for a particular gadget... unless he actually writes down the details or sends me a link it just doesn't stick in my head cause it's something I know nothing about!)
    ungrateful? wrote: »
    Someone else told me that if I really want something to just buy it for myself. Don't mention it to him if he asks.

    Sounds like this is probably the best thing to do.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    well in my opinion, it's not that hard to listen to someone as they say ''I HATE GOLD JEWELLRY'' and for it to sink in. is it?? i know my sister hates gold jewellry. i know that my father in law hates synthetic jumpers. i know that my husband doesn't like smelly aftershave or shower gels unless they smell like lime. i know all these things cause i listen to people so i can pick up clues so when it comes to gift giving i won't get them something that they won't like or use. to say ''well he's just not like that'' is a cop out to me.

    so - i personally wouldn't take it on the chin, i'd sit him down and explain that although you appreciate the thought and the sentiment and all that, it's coming across like he doesn't listen to you. cause from the outside that's what it seems like, and only you know op if you can continue in a relationship where your partner doesn't listen on that level to. and before anyone jumps down my throat i'm not telling her to leave him!!!!! i just mean that we all have our different levels of the kind of respect and listening we can live with. good luck x


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    #10
    johnr1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 965 ✭✭✭johnr1


    People often buy for others the type or style of gift they'd love to get themselves. This makes sense in their heads because it's some object or experience or whatever that they value highly.

    Years ago, I accompanied a buddy to buy a Christmas present for his gf at the time, under strict instructions that I was to dissuade him from buying her a watch as she liked the one she had and didn't want to stop wearing it. He had hinted at a watch and had been told ten times by her, her friend and her mother that she didn't want one.
    I failed miserably, - I just couldn't get through to him that she'd prefer a bracelet, and to this day, I'm not sure why. Hell or highwater he was buying her an expensive watch.
    Now, this is a very thoughtful guy, takes brilliant care of his wife (not same woman:D) and he actually usually gets her highly original gifts that I know she appreciates. Maybe he and your fella were just having off days or thinking of something else at the moment of purchase.

    .


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    #11
    Katgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 2,142 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    Yes I think you are being ungrateful. They are gifts, not a payment for something or a debt repayment.

    My sister always points out whats wrong with gifts "it's the wrong colour", "I have that one already", "I'd never wear it". I resent getting her anything at all. The point is it might not be the exact thing you'd buy yourself but its the thought behind it that counts.

    And yes I agree with the other posters who said buy the stuff you want yourself so that way you are not relying on him. I he pushes you on waiting with promises to get you just say "oh no you always pick me nice surprises".


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I dont think he is being thoughtful. I think he is being a bit of an ass and a bit controlling. He asks what you want, you tell him and he gets you something else ?!?!? Is he controlling in other aspects of your relationship OP?

    If I were you, I would go buy the ring you want and not use the voucher for the other salon. His over reqaction is also another behaviour which seems controlling to me. its never healthy if you cant talk about something like this.


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    #13
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Katgurl wrote: »
    They are gifts, not a payment for something or a debt repayment.

    I agree with this.

    It's not the sort of thing that warrants a serious talk or anything. It's a GIFT and you should view it as such. It would be different if he never acknowledged a special occassion, but it does sound like he's making an effort.

    If you start making a big deal about it, then it WILL come off as ungrateful/selfish/spoiled etc.


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    #14
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    why do that wrote: »
    I dont think he is being thoughtful. I think he is being a bit of an ass and a bit controlling. He asks what you want, you tell him and he gets you something else ?!?!? Is he controlling in other aspects of your relationship OP?

    If I were you, I would go buy the ring you want and not use the voucher for the other salon. His over reqaction is also another behaviour which seems controlling to me. its never healthy if you cant talk about something like this.

    How on earth is it controlling?! He's buying her a present... even if it's not exactly what she wants, it's still a nice gesture.

    To not use the voucher is just spiteful and childish imo.


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    #15
    Ellsbells
    Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    woodchuck wrote: »
    How on earth is it controlling?! He's buying her a present... even if it's not exactly what she wants, it's still a nice gesture.

    To not use the voucher is just spiteful and childish imo.

    I agree with the previous poster.

    Isnt he telling her not to buy the ring herself as he will buy it and then buying one she doesnt want. she tells him she doesnt like gold but he buys gold... Tells him she hates a certain salon and he buys a voucher for there. :confused:

    The the worst of all he gets in a huff if she mentions it to him.


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    #16
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Fair enough if people want to interpret it as inconsiderate, thoughtlessness etc, but I just think the word 'controlling' is a bit much. That makes it sounds like it's premeditated and sinister. I would still be of the opinion that it is a misunderstanding/miscommunication (eg he might have initially intended to get her x, but then in his head it spiralled out of control with him trying to get something he considered 'better'), but it's obviously hard to tell solely from what is posted here.


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Alarm bells would be ringing for me here. This kind of thoughtlessness is him taking you for granted.

    It's not that bloody hard to get you a voucher for the right place or not to buy you jewellery you hate.

    Sounds like he doesn't give a damn either way, and this is coming from a bloke (me)

    I'd wake him out of it now....you might not like where this is heading though. This kind of indifference on his part is usually followed by a break-up.


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    #18
    Boskowski
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,361 ✭✭✭Boskowski


    The problem is that while he wants to know what you like he doesn't want to get exactly what you're looking for.
    Maybe he just thinks that getting exactly the desired item is a bit unimaginative?
    Maybe he's putting more thought into it than you give him credit for?
    That may not always work but I'd probably be inclined to do the same. I mean otherwise I could just give money, right?
    Or say 'get what you want and I'll give you the dosh'. Not exactly thoughtful or romantic either.


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    #19
    Ellsbells
    Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    I think just dont tell him in future what you want and just buy it for yourself.


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