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25-03-2012, 21:38   #1
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Porn, Depression, Marriage over?

Sorry if this makes no sense but im confused,
my husband is depressed, but gp thinks it might be more and wants him to go to psychiatrist for assesment and medication, he could be bi polar, but i dont no, he doesnt seem to have the high highs, but then again, im only comparing it to tv, so maybe, I dont know, Ive lived with him for years and only with stress of recession is his moodiness becoming a problem and i made him go to gp,
my husband doesnt want to go to psychiatrist as doesnt want to be mental, which i know doesnt make sense, and he needs to be assessed, but that isnt really a problem just the back ground,
the problem is that he has been watching porn on internet, and while i know lots of men to etc, when i was hitting the down button on the internet address bar, a couple of sites hit out at me, one was for porn, the other was for an escort site,
he says the escort site must have been a pop up, but i dont believe him, why was it in the internet bar place, he deletes the history as he goes as our child uses the computer sometimes too, do i believe him, i told him our marriage is over, yet we are behaving "normally" today, he is sleeping in spare room, did i over react, ive just had a cancer scare and dont want to be thinking of what he could be doing, what he could be catching, i feel physically sick, he swears he didnt look it up, swears he has never cheated, but now im thinking if he is bipolar than maybe, what if he has been doing this all along, what if this is the highs, i dont know what im even asking,
25-03-2012, 23:57   #2
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Maybe you should start by asking yourself what the question really is ..... ?

Originally Posted by helpanonymous101 View Post
the problem is that he has been watching porn on internet, and while i know lots of men to etc, when i was hitting the down button on the internet address bar, a couple of sites hit out at me, one was for porn, the other was for an escort site,
Hi Op,

Your post is very confusing. I don't know what you're asking for either!

Let me share some of my thoughts about your post to see if it helps you think this out:
  • Your husband is depressed
    Is that a confirmed diagnosis from a doctor, or is it your opinion, or his? I ask because you have not indicated how this depression manifests and I wonder if it was simply used by somebody as an explanation for his habit of watching porn. Is his depression being treated, and if so is the treatment allowing him to function?
  • His GP thinks it may be more than that
    How do you know? I don't mean to be funny, but unless you were in the room with him being examined how do you know what the GP thinks?
  • He won't see a psychiatrist
    Does this mean he's not getting any treatment? How is his behaviour (porn aside)?
  • He watches porn on the internet
    You describe this as his problem, but is it? Is it in fact a problem for you rather than for him? If so, why? Lots of men (and some women) watch porn, and some parters find it objectionable. Some don't mind what their partners watch as long as they don't act out on it. I don't hold a view about "soft" porn stuff, but I do object to the existence of "hard" stuff, and certainly of anything illegal. But the real issue (I think) is how do you feel about it?
  • You found an escort site in the address bar history
    Somebody more tech-savy might correct me, but if the address appears in the drop-down history (of IE anyway) then it indicates it was typed in at some stage, so it did not arise from a pop-up. However, how do you know one of the kids didn't type it in? There was a programme on RTE recently about an Irish escort site, so any kid who saw that may have been tempted to find the site. A smart person would delete all the history traces or use the secret/private mode which does not keep a history. Kids might not have thought about this.

Is it possible that your husband viewed the escort site, but only in the context of curiosity rather than planning to have an affair?

Perhaps more importantly, how is your relationship otherwise? It seems you have had a rough time yourself and maybe that has affected your husband in ways you might not have realised? Do you jointly need to revisit your marriage with a view to strengthening the relationships, or simply having a check-up? I don't mean necessarily involving a counsellor, just an honest chat between yourselves!

Have you thought about what it is that's really troubling you? I ask not to be provocative, but to suggest that you should give the question some time, and perhaps then it would be easier to offer advice to you? Perhaps, in fact, you won't need advice from us here at all.

Be at peace,

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26-03-2012, 00:54   #3
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To be honest, I found your post very confusing, but I'll try to respond as best I can.

With regards to the depression - your GP would send your husband to see a psychiatrist for depression, not just for things like bi-polar. Depression is a mental illness and as such, needs to have a treatment plan set in place by a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists don't just see bi-polar and more severely mentally ill people. They see a LOT of people with depression too. They're the ones who can prescribe medication long term, sort out counselling plans and give an official diagnosis as to what is wrong, so it's completely normal for your husband to be referred to one, even if he is 'just' depressed rather than bi-polar.

As for the 'highs' with bi-polar. They're not usually quite as extreme as you see on TV, but that said, they would be generally extreme enough to notice the change. The person might do things like spend a lot more money than usual, stay up late, have more energy than usual, be hyper, feel fantastic with no reason, and even seem a little uncaring if bad things happen. They're the absolute basics of what CAN happen in a manic episode, or'high.' Things can be worse, different, or even milder than what I've described.

As for the porn and escort sites. Escort sites CAN pop up when looking at porn. I'm not saying that's the truth of the matter, but have you considered that he may have been looking up an escort site for no reason more than to simply get his kicks to a 'real' girl? I know that sounds a bit ridiculous, but I know people who've done that. Or they check them out of pure curiosity, not because they plan to do anything.

If you have no other reason to believe your husband has cheated, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.
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