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Is my girlfriend shy, unappreciative or just outright selfish?

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  • 19-02-2012 11:28am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    First things first, myself and my girlfriend get on very well, we've known each other 3 months and the future looks to be good. We've recently been at the "meet each others parents" stage .

    I would go as far as to say that I love her, but there are a few things about her that just about stop me from saying that.

    To keep it short and sweet, she shows very little appreciation for little things I do for her such as driving her places, paying for food in restaurants etc. I'm a natural giver, I like people to know I care by doing random things they'd appreciate. They dont necessarily have to involve money as money isn't the be all. I just think "oh, <insert name> would appreciate that!" and i'll do it.

    Most recently (and I know its a load of cliché'd crap) - Valentines Day, it was a hard one to guage whether she was into the whole thing (as im not really) and it was our first one together so I just said I better do something.... Made a nice card, gave her a rose and took her out for dinner (which I paid for)..... and NOTHING on her part... Now I know that Valentine's Day is rubbish really, but I thought she may have made a little thing of it seeing as she new we were going to go out and do something...

    To be fair, I think she was a little taken back by what I had done for her and she told me she felt like a bum. She has no money at the moment and neither do I, we're both in college, and I am eating into what money I do have to be honest, but I told her that money isn't everything and not to worry. But I'm realising that it didn't cost anything to MAKE a card and there are many other things to show appreciation without spending....


    Right, all that crap aside, I do love the girl and she knows I appreciate her. I do just wonder if she appreciates me equally. She never argues with me and we get on like a house on fire, I think she just plays her "emotion" cards very close to her chest. I was talking to her sister recently and her sister told me: "You're a great guy to be perfectly honest, I haven't seen my sister (my gf) as happy about life in a looong time!" (She goes home on the weekends to her family)

    This made me feel so good and it isn't the first time I've heard it from someone close to her, but I couldn't help think "I wish she'd tell me that"! This is where I think she is shy. She's not as open about her feeling as I am... I can be a bit of a sap sometimes in fairness and she has told me this jokingly, but has told me that despite the sappiness that I'm incredibly sweet. Oddly enough I feel appreciated by how she looks at me sometimes, with her eyes glassy and dreamy as such.... maybe she just doesn't feel the need to verbally convey her appreciation due to shyness...

    This may all seem like a trivial load of crap and to be honest, writing this down has helped somewhat. I know she has a heart (as was evident in a recent family PI) and does take the brunt of other peoples issues because of her concern. I would just hope that I'm not being tagged along as an accessory, she has said that she has "some making up to do" regarding my generosity but I would hope that it doesn't translate to "when I get money I will recuperate your spending" as thats not what i want, money is irrelevant when you love someone in my opinion....

    Thanks for reading, and sorry if its long drivel, but I would love someone else's take on the scenario :)


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    #2
    LovelyLottie
    Registered Users Posts: 185 ✭✭LovelyLottie


    Obviously i don't know what's going on in her head so anything i say will be just my opinion (based on my own experiences), but a few things popped into my head:

    - Is it possible she's had her heart broken in the past, and this is why she doesn't express her emotions that openly? Seeing as you are so open, she should feel comfortable that you will reciprocate, but perhaps she's just being very cautious. It's only 3 months after all...

    - With V's day, perhaps she wasn't sure what you were going to do and didn't want to look like an eejit? I do think she should have had a card or something on stand-by in case you had something for her, but maybe she hasn't had such nice boyfriends in the past and isn't used to being treated so well?

    - Why don't you chat to her and say you love it when she does little things for you that show you she cares... (try and find some example of something nice and thoughtful she did!). So without complaining, try and encourage her to show her feelings more...

    - I hope you're not paying for everything... No guy should be paying for everything in this day and age, especially if you're both in college. Of course in the beginning (and any time) it's a lovely gesture for a guy to treat you, but she should absolutely not be expecting you to pay for every date (cinema or dinner or whatever) you go on. If you're a very generous person, be careful that you're not being taken advantage of. I'm not trying to slag her off, just make sure you're being looked after the way you're looking after her.

    Ultimately only time will tell if you're right for each other... and if she can make you happy. I hope things work out :)


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    #3
    yellowcrayon
    Registered Users Posts: 185 ✭✭yellowcrayon


    Hi :), LovelyLottie made some very good points there :)... In my opinion I would always have a card on stand-by just in case, as Id hate someone to give me a card and me not be able to return one. At the same time though, you dont always have to have money to show someone a good Valentines day. Ive been with my boyfriend a few years now, but when I was in college he knew I couldnt afford expensive presents for him so I made him a nice dinner, gave him a card with a nice note in it and bought some cheap 'couples trivia' game.. altogether that costed me about 10e. So she doesnt need money to show you she cares.

    Maybe instead of paying for everything aswell, suggest you save up together for a nice dinner next month or something like that, so she'll know she needs to save a small bit of money to contribute and the idea of going out isnt just sprung on her.

    And as for her not opening up, maybe she just wants to wait a bit longer to be sure about her feelings for you before she opens up. I mean, wouldnt it be embarrassin to tell someone you love them, and for them to reply with 'thanks' or 'i really like you, but....'

    Maybe you make the first move if your the more confident of the two of you and tell her how you feel about her... after she hears how much you care about her, then she might be more inclined to open up, as she'll be sure of your feelings for her.

    Best of luck :)


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    #4
    Daisy M
    Registered Users Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    She may feel shy about opening upto you about her feelings but there is nothing shy about not saying thankyou its just plain rude. Personally I would not take any notice of what her friends or family say, its you who needs to see her appreciation of you and how happy or not you make her.


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    #5
    jimmycrackcorm
    Registered Users Posts: 14,329 ✭✭✭✭jimmycrackcorm


    Op, you're trying too hard. Your comments about this being both students and having to eat into money indicate that you are not on the same wavelength as she is.

    I think that you should be on her wavelength, not that she should be on yours.


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    #6
    Sleepy
    Registered Users Posts: 24,158 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    This might sound facetious but it's honestly not meant in that fashion.

    Wait for her to mention feeling bad about Valentines day again (presuming she will) and tell her it's okay that Valentines Day is only really for girls anyway: it's Steak and Blowjob day on March 14th that's for the men. Say it in a flirty way that sounds like you're joking.

    Come March 14th you'll know whether she's a keeper ;)


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi all,

    Thanks very much for the insight, it has given food for thought.

    I've thought a bit about all this over the last 24 hours and realise that she isn't selfish or unappreciative. She is just not very open about feelings, whether it be shyness or whatever.

    As regarding previous relationships, as far as im aware there wasn't really any so this may be all slightly new to her. I'll be honest and say this is also all new to me but again, I'd be more open about things. We're both 21.

    I think the best thing to do would be for me to give her time, and not make her feel uncomfortable.

    I may have been harsh with the thread title, because really behind her slightly hardened exterior emotion she does have a heart of gold, as said I've noticed this with other things.

    Im going out with her tonight for some fresh air and I plan to just reassure her that no matter what may be going on in her mind about anything (college, friends etc.) that I will be there to listen, regardless. I get the feeling that she might think she's burdening me with her problems but it really isn't burdening me, I'm a good listener.

    She's not fed up with me anyway, looking back over the last while she has loosened a bit emotion wise compared to when I first met her.

    However I will not let myself be a doormat and will stand my ground to some degree financially. Things will change with time, im thinking and hoping for the positive but who knows really...

    Thanks again.


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    #8
    stargazer 68
    Registered Users Posts: 5,078 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    LovelyLottie wrote: »
    - Is it possible she's had her heart broken in the past, and this is why she doesn't express her emotions that openly? Seeing as you are so open, she should feel comfortable that you will reciprocate, but perhaps she's just being very cautious. It's only 3 months after all...

    Op I have to agree with this as I am guilty of it!! I was told by my last bf that I hide my feelings to my detriment really and its purely to avoid getting hurt again, its not that Im not interested.


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    #9
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    ophereagain wrote: »
    Hi all,



    However I will not let myself be a doormat and will stand my ground to some degree financially. Things will change with time, im thinking and hoping for the positive but who knows really...

    Thanks again.

    OP, in your original post you really didn't give any indication that your girlfriend expects you to pay for everything. If anything, Valentines Day was all you while she was taken aback and told you it made her feel like a bum. You know she has no money and I think you're being really unfair now saying you won't be a doormat and will 'stand your ground' financially as if this girl is demanding you spend money you can't afford. YOU made the decision to spoil her like that. She doesn't appear to have asked or expected you to.

    As jimmy said, you're trying way too hard. Stop trying to throw money at her and just be.


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    #10
    Lorna123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    OP I'd say that your girlfriend feels shy and awkward and just doesn't know how to express gratitude. She probably agonized over what to do for Valentines and in the end did nothing. I have to say that I would find it awkward to hand a card to anyone, preferring to put it in the post. It is sort of difficult to know what to do for a man to show appreciation in terms of actual gifts, but she could tell you she appreciates you. Of course some people find that hard to do as well. Somtimes the more generous a person is the harder it is to keep up with it so she doesn't want to start anything she can't keep up with. She could get tickets for a film though in return for the Valentines dinner. That would not be too much to ask. Bear in mind that people never do what you expect them to do or what you would like them to do so you have to decide to accept them as they are or be disappointed.


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Chinafoot wrote: »
    OP, in your original post you really didn't give any indication that your girlfriend expects you to pay for everything. If anything, Valentines Day was all you while she was taken aback and told you it made her feel like a bum. You know she has no money and I think you're being really unfair now saying you won't be a doormat and will 'stand your ground' financially as if this girl is demanding you spend money you can't afford. YOU made the decision to spoil her like that. She doesn't appear to have asked or expected you to.

    As jimmy said, you're trying way too hard. Stop trying to throw money at her and just be.

    Hi,

    Fair point there, I did make the decision to spoil her and you're right, she probably didn't expect me to have to, that why she was taken aback.

    When I mentioned not being a "doormat" I just meant to make sure to be aware that I wasn't being used to some degree.

    It isn't just she that has no money to spend, I don't really either (unemployed, in college, running a car) but I did save a lot during the summer when I was working. I will be more aware in future of what I'm spending etc.

    Again though, money isn't the be all... its possible to show someone affection without spending by just simple things such as a compliment here or there, telling them how much they mean to you etc.

    I think I'll put that whole V-day thing to the back of my mind, it is a day thats just very cliché'd and its hard to know how some people approach it, especially when its your first one with someone... one date on the calendar really shouldn't signify how much someone means to you, it should be a constant feeling really.

    Thanks again.


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    #12
    Chinafoot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    ophereagainagain wrote: »
    Again though, money isn't the be all... its possible to show someone affection without spending by just simple things such as a compliment here or there, telling them how much they mean to you etc.

    You're only together a very short time. 3 months is nothing so I don't know what you're expecting from her. I'm assuming she said thank you on Valentine's Day? She's told you she finds you "incredibly sweet" and from what you've said here she hasn't done anything that warrants you thinking she doesn't appreciate you.

    You have decribed yourself as "a natural giver" but you seem to be very concerned with getting something back from her. Generally people who enjoy giving don't do it expecting reciprocation. Of course you expect a thank you as that would be basic manners and if she hasn't said that you may have point. However, she told you that she felt like a bum over the Valentine's Day issue meaning she was very aware of how you had spoiled her but she didn't have the money to do the same for you. The fact that you chose to spend your savings on her isn't her fault.

    Stop overthinking things at such an early stage in the relationship. You sound like you're expecting too much too soon.


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    #13
    Lorna123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    OP you obviously feel yourself that there is something amiss in this relationship and if this is how you feel then you are right. I feel that this girl should be reassuring you that she likes you and as you say yourself this doesn't cost money. If everything was hunky dory you would not be posting here and you would not be wondering about the relationship. The very fact that you are means that there is something wrong, even if it is quite small, to you it is a big thing. You deserve to have expressions of appreciation from time to time and if this girl is not doing that for you then rethink the relationship. Of course 3 months is a very short time so you might want to give it a little longer. In every relationship there is always one who gives more than the other. The thing is though that when a person really appreciates another person they want to tell that person how they feel. When you love someone you want to say it and it isn't an effort. It only becomes awkward when it is expected of you but the feelings are not there. Three months is nothing though so hang on in there for a while longer.


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    #14
    Fentdog84
    Registered Users Posts: 936 ✭✭✭Fentdog84


    i think like you op I would be a little bit put out if the person i was supposed to be going out with didnt bother doing anything for valentines day whether it be a card, a text or some kind of acknowledgment. i dont know if she might not be that into you. She may not be into gestures or this whole valentines thing but her general evasiveness on such things suggests that she's not into you all that much or is not sure yet. It is still early days so maybe you should tone down the ''sappiness'' and the stuff like driving her around and paying for stuff. if you do any more gestures for her keep it low key and not in a expecting a response type way.That way it dosent look like your forcing it and puts her under less pressure...and stop offering to do stuff for her at every given opportunity, leave her do a little bit of chasing now and again!


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    #15
    Amazotheamazing
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,048 ✭✭✭Amazotheamazing


    Three months and you love her, are a natural giver etc?

    Sounds like you are really going over the top tbh.


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    #16
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    How can you be too shy to show your appreciation?


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