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01-02-2012, 11:50   #1
Fea.
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Dealing with Bullies

I've been reading this whole thread with a lot of interest and thank you all for your great thoughts and opinions so far. I don't mean to change the subject or topic from women to children but this whole 'subtle' type of bullying is very tender with me right at this moment.

Sadly, I feel that when women behave like this, it maybe a trait of their character that may have begun when they were much younger. My 11 year old daughter is going through a particularly traumatic time right now, with exactly this type of bullying. The principle has stated that in her 26 years in this profession, she has never seen something like this so bad. For that statement alone to have been made, its as clear as you can get .... its bullying of the worst kind.

Two other 11 year old girls decided that my daughter was not the flavour of the month, and somehow managed to convince the rest of the class, including her best friends, that they were no longer allowed to be friends with her. These two along with her best friend surrounded her in class and listed to her face all the things that they did not like about her. The teachers never saw a thing, even though there were two of them in the room. A few days later, after the class had been spoken to about bullying and how the school would deal severely with anyone caught bullying another child, these two bullies then decided that my daughter was no longer allowed to have a name and instructed the other kids to call her 'she who shall not be named'. Repeated minor incidents have been ongoing until they had stripped her completely of her confidence, and then decided to take her name from her. My once confident, self assured daughter, broke underneath the pressure of it all and is now in counselling.

I've been told, she's too soft and needs to toughen up.... NO ! Thats my answer to that, she is who she is, soft and gentle. She should not be the one to change, ever.

I've been told, she needs to just walk away and ignore them. This she has done always but when your best friend stands with two bullies and tells you that they don't like you to your face, you begin to think, maybe there is something wrong with me. Self doubt is torture.

I don't care how old you are, 4 in the playground, or 104 in a nursing home, if your feeling excluded by the actions of another, no matter how subtle it is, its bullying. Having thicker skin might soften the blow, but it still wears you down eventually.

Sorry for waffling on, but I'm literally waiting to hear the results of a board of management meeting about what action the school are going to take about the 'subtle' bullying my daughter is suffering today.
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01-02-2012, 11:59   #2
Ickle Magoo
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Hey Fea.

There's a Parenting Forum which includes a teens and pre-teens sub-section which I'm sure you'd find some helpful past posts and would be able to give you some first-hand experience and support - if you want me to move your post over?
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01-02-2012, 12:02   #3
Fea.
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Sorry, I probably shouldn't have posted that here. Please place it where you think is best xxx
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01-02-2012, 12:05   #4
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I've moved from tLL...not because you shouldn't have posted - but because it's a horrendous situation to be in and you can get some valuable advice and support from some experienced parents here.

All the very best.
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01-02-2012, 12:09   #5
Orion
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fea. View Post
I've been told, she's too soft and needs to toughen up.... NO ! Thats my answer to that, she is who she is, soft and gentle. She should not be the one to change, ever.

Sorry for waffling on, but I'm literally waiting to hear the results of a board of management meeting about what action the school are going to take about the 'subtle' bullying my daughter is suffering today.
You're absolutely right. She should not need to change. The bullying needs to stop.

And there is nothing 'subtle' about this type of bullying. Bullying does not need to be physical. It is a regular, repeated type of abuse - mental abuse in this case. The BoM do not need to be the last resort - there are legal avenues available if they do not take action. I presume you have a copy of their policy related to this - if they are not following that policy precisely they are on very shaky legal ground.
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01-02-2012, 12:36   #6
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To be honest with you I'm exhausted even thinking about it, and if I'm this bad, I can't imagine what my daughter is going through. The teacher and the principle have been very good, understanding and supportive, but at the same time, this type of behaviour is still going on and to the kids having to live with it, it seems as if there is nothing being done. She still has to go in there everyday and dreads what will happen next.

What broke my heart is hearing her tell the counsellor about how she has developed coping mechanisms to avoid one bully in particular. She plans her route through the desks so as not to go near her desk, she won't face the board if the bully is in her line of sight (because of the glaring and mouthing of verbal insults), she stands behind certain other girls because she knows they will hide her better than others. The teachers are all aware of this but cannot catch her in the act.

As for other avenues, I honestly don't know what they are. If the BoM come back today and we are still in the same boat, I have no idea where to turn next or what to do.
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01-02-2012, 14:28   #7
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While running away shouldn't have to be an answer, if things are that bad, is it an option for her to switch schools? Homeschool for a while in an interim, etc?
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01-02-2012, 16:09   #8
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Just wondering are the girls parents involved?



You made the first port of call with the teachers which is a start but if its not working i would be thinking of and i I know it wouldn't be the best solution but if it were my girl coming back telling me how kids in her class were treating her, i would grab hold (not physically) off the parents in the school yard or at the gate and mention it too them. After all the years the kids have been in school together you should know the girls parents as least to see.

A different tactic would be to invite a few of the girls in her class around for a sleepover or videos and popcorn or to the cinema to get her bonding with the rest of the girls in the class (not the bullies). Arrange play dates with one girl every week, build up her confidence and stop the bullies control over the other girls. If the other girls in the class stand up with her the bully has less control.

These are things i would do, not sure how it would work in your daughters situation. At least she can talk to you about it and isnt bottling it up.

Last edited by cynder; 01-02-2012 at 16:11.
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01-02-2012, 16:12   #9
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hi fea

i'm not a parent, but i was very struck by your post. i was in exactly the same position throughout school as your daughter is in now. that form of bullying started for me in primary school, probably around 1st class, and continued in one form or another right up until i was in leaving cert. the coping mechanisms that your daughter's developed with certain bullies - yup, all sounds familiar. it's a devastating situation to be in at that age because it just makes no sense to you how friends can be friends one day and ''enemies'' the next.

the difference between us though, is that you're listening to your child and doing something about it. my mother didn't. i too was told to toughen up, ignore them, etc etc... but... well... in my case that didn't work. if it hadn't been for a teacher confronting one of the bullies on my behalf when i was in 6th year i don't know what i'd have done.

i know you must feel frustrated with the school for their slowness in dealing with the bullies, but please do take some comfort that you're doing right by your daughter in listening to her, allowing her to feel safe enough to come to you with the problem in the first place, and setting the wheels in motion to get it stopped. so i'm afraid i don't really have anything useful to say other than you're being a fantastic parent, and i hope for your daughter the bullying gets stopped in its tracks soon. xx
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01-02-2012, 17:27   #10
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She has already missed two days of school in the past couple of weeks because of whats been happening recently. She was able to cope (though she shouldn't have to) with the one bully but then when two got together and came at her at once, it was just too much for her to take. The main problem is this one girl, its like as if this girl just adores attention, even the worst kind of being taken out of class daily to be told off by the Principle that her behaviour is unacceptable. The minute she returns into class, all the other kids are asking her what happened. of course, she's loving being the centre of attention.

As bad as it is for my daughter right now, she absolutely adores her teacher, she really likes most of the kids in her class, she gets along with everyone and a few of her previous teachers have referred to her as the 'peace-maker' of the class. So keeping her out of school Bluewolf, to me, seems like the most unfair thing I can do to her. It shouldn't be her missing out on what she loves. Plus, my daughter informed me that there are only 80 days left in school, I didn't realise she was counting down the days. (then she moves up to secondary)

As for the parents of this bully, her mum has been in the school on a weekly basis and more than likely on they are on the phone to her daily. Frustration Artyeva is really an understatment but yes, you are most definitely right. Thank you so much for your kind words, you really have been through the mill yourself. Why are kids so cruel to each other?

The good news is, she's just come home from school and told me that the bully has said nothing to her today but still kept glaring at her in class. And also that three different teachers came into the room to discuss the bully problem with their class alone.

The BoM meeting I presume is being held tonight at some point. I'm like a hen on a hot plate here trying to keep everything together.
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01-02-2012, 17:27   #11
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She has already missed two days of school in the past couple of weeks because of whats been happening recently. She was able to cope (though she shouldn't have to) with the one bully but then when two got together and came at her at once, it was just too much for her to take. The main problem is this one girl, its like as if this girl just adores attention, even the worst kind of being taken out of class daily to be told off by the Principle that her behaviour is unacceptable. The minute she returns into class, all the other kids are asking her what happened. of course, she's loving being the centre of attention.

As bad as it is for my daughter right now, she absolutely adores her teacher, she really likes most of the kids in her class, she gets along with everyone and a few of her previous teachers have referred to her as the 'peace-maker' of the class. So keeping her out of school Bluewolf, to me, seems like the most unfair thing I can do to her. It shouldn't be her missing out on what she loves. Plus, my daughter informed me that there are only 80 days left in school, I didn't realise she was counting down the days. (then she moves up to secondary)

As for the parents of this bully, her mum has been in the school on a weekly basis and more than likely on they are on the phone to her daily. Frustration Artyeva is really an understatment but yes, you are most definitely right. Thank you so much for your kind words, you really have been through the mill yourself. Why are kids so cruel to each other?

The good news is, she's just come home from school and told me that the bully has said nothing to her today but still kept glaring at her in class. And also that three different teachers came into the room to discuss the bully problem with their class alone.

The BoM meeting I presume is being held tonight at some point. I'm like a hen on a hot plate here trying to keep everything together.
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01-02-2012, 18:20   #12
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Is it a big school, in my kids schools the have 3 of each class, if severe bullying occurs they mix the 3 classes, ensuring bully and victim are separated.
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02-02-2012, 04:19   #13
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Omg i am shocked. That is so cruel. Your poor little girl. And you. I dont even know how i would cope or react if when my child is school going age this was hapening to him. Its a disgrace. Do you know how the bom meeting went yet? Hopefully they can do something constructive about this. Its awful.
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02-02-2012, 04:23   #14
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Well its 4.20am and I got fed up tossing and turning in the bed.

Grindelwald, its a small school, only one 6th class so moving her out of the room isn't an option either.

Qwertytlk, no word yet from BoM, praying for something today xxx
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02-02-2012, 08:12   #15
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Hi Fea, so upset for you!!! I've never experienced this myself or even with my children so am a bit short on the advice.
I can only imagine how distressing it must be for you both
The only thing I'd say is to keep at the school like you have been doing. I do hope your daughter will be happy in Secondary school

Let us know how you get on...
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