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Cleared out Kate's Wardrobe :'(
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14-09-2011 12:41pm#1I took a step today...
I did something that even a few months ago I would have found impossible,
even a few weeks ago I think.
4 years,5months and 28days after I lost her.
4years and 6months to day since she collapsed...
Strange how that number is still constantly calculated in my mind....
I never need to think about how long, if someone asks me..
Its like uour death was my year zero!
I cleared out and boxed up my late Wife's wardrobe contents...
The last time I tried putting anything she owned away, it was some laundry that had been there since you collapsed....
It took me 4 months to get around to psyching myself upto putting those few pieces in the wardrobe..
I broke down, I vomited....
Because I knew the next time they'd come out of the wardrobe, was when I was giving them away....Or putting them away!
Today in other words!
But slowly the realisation has dawned on me that it doesn't matter how much I love her, She's never coming home
And living in our past, its great
But its not good is it?
I need to know I can move on, and having you still in our bedroom isn't going to help that.
I had asked her sister, and my sisters to call over.....
To take anything they wanted...
In the hope I think that everything would evaporate away.
But I think they were as apprehensive about it being another goodbye as I am So they never came....
I hoped they would...that then I wouldn't have to sort through her clothes...
Remembering when she wore this top, or that dress,
Putting my face into the fabric and trying to catch some remnant of her scent.
And maybe even getting a little bit mad at all the stuff thats in there with tags still on....
Stuff she'd bought in advance for events we'd planned,
Days we had everything arranged for and we never had....
There are some things, that I didn't box up....I moved them into mine
Because, I love the memory of her in them and they remind me of our happiest days.
The dress she wore at her 21st.....
The outfit she wore when our Son was christened...
And the dress she wore at Ant + Ali's wedding.
When everyone looked at you and knew I was the luckiest man there Including the groom :P
I boxed up everything else tho and I'll keep it close
I still can't believe how many pairs of shoes, Belts and Handbags there are!
I miss telling you slow down....The credit card has a limit, not a target
I don't really know why I posted this....
Other than this was something I never thought I could do...
I'm terrified by what this moving on means, But I'm still the man she made me and its time for the next step on my journey I suppose...
Thanks for listening!
Bryan286
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I took a step today...
I did something that even a few months ago I would have found impossible,
even a few weeks ago I think.
4 years,5months and 28days after I lost her.
4years and 6months to day since she collapsed...
Strange how that number is still constantly calculated in my mind....
I never need to think about how long, if someone asks me..
Its like uour death was my year zero!
I cleared out and boxed up my late Wife's wardrobe contents...
The last time I tried putting anything she owned away, it was some laundry that had been there since you collapsed....
It took me 4 months to get around to psyching myself upto putting those few pieces in the wardrobe..
I broke down, I vomited....
Because I knew the next time they'd come out of the wardrobe, was when I was giving them away....Or putting them away!
Today in other words!
But slowly the realisation has dawned on me that it doesn't matter how much I love her, She's never coming home
And living in our past, its great But its not good is it?
I need to know I can move on, and having you still in our bedroom isn't going to help that.
I had asked her sister, and my sisters to call over.....
To take anything they wanted...
In the hope I think that everything would evaporate away.
But I think they were as apprehensive about it being another goodbye as I am So they never came....
I hoped they would...that then I wouldn't have to sort through her clothes...
Remembering when she wore this top, or that dress,
Putting my face into the fabric and trying to catch some remnant of her scent.
And maybe even getting a little bit mad at all the stuff thats in there with tags still on....
Stuff she'd bought in advance for events we'd planned,
Days we had everything arranged for and we never had....
There are some things, that I didn't box up....I moved them into mine
Because, I love the memory of her in them and they remind me of our happiest days.
The dress she wore at her 21st.....
The outfit she wore when our Son was christened...
And the dress she wore at Ant + Ali's wedding.
When everyone looked at you and knew I was the luckiest man there Including the groom :P
I boxed up everything else tho and I'll keep it close
I still can't believe how many pairs of shoes, Belts and Handbags there are!
I miss telling you slow down....The credit card has a limit, not a target
I don't really know why I posted this....
Other than this was something I never thought I could do...
I'm terrified by what this moving on means, But I'm still the man she made me and its time for the next step on my journey I suppose...
Thanks for listening!
Bryan
Nice post, Bryan. I wish I could put my thoughts down like that!? :rolleyes:0 -
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I took a step today...
I did something that even a few months ago I would have found impossible,
even a few weeks ago I think.
4 years,5months and 28days after I lost her.
4years and 6months to day since she collapsed...
Strange how that number is still constantly calculated in my mind....
I never need to think about how long, if someone asks me..
Its like uour death was my year zero!
I cleared out and boxed up my late Wife's wardrobe contents...
The last time I tried putting anything she owned away, it was some laundry that had been there since you collapsed....
It took me 4 months to get around to psyching myself upto putting those few pieces in the wardrobe..
I broke down, I vomited....
Because I knew the next time they'd come out of the wardrobe, was when I was giving them away....Or putting them away!
Today in other words!
But slowly the realisation has dawned on me that it doesn't matter how much I love her, She's never coming home
And living in our past, its great But its not good is it?
I need to know I can move on, and having you still in our bedroom isn't going to help that.
I had asked her sister, and my sisters to call over.....
To take anything they wanted...
In the hope I think that everything would evaporate away.
But I think they were as apprehensive about it being another goodbye as I am So they never came....
I hoped they would...that then I wouldn't have to sort through her clothes...
Remembering when she wore this top, or that dress,
Putting my face into the fabric and trying to catch some remnant of her scent.
And maybe even getting a little bit mad at all the stuff thats in there with tags still on....
Stuff she'd bought in advance for events we'd planned,
Days we had everything arranged for and we never had....
There are some things, that I didn't box up....I moved them into mine
Because, I love the memory of her in them and they remind me of our happiest days.
The dress she wore at her 21st.....
The outfit she wore when our Son was christened...
And the dress she wore at Ant + Ali's wedding.
When everyone looked at you and knew I was the luckiest man there Including the groom :P
I boxed up everything else tho and I'll keep it close
I still can't believe how many pairs of shoes, Belts and Handbags there are!
I miss telling you slow down....The credit card has a limit, not a target
I don't really know why I posted this....
Other than this was something I never thought I could do...
I'm terrified by what this moving on means, But I'm still the man she made me and its time for the next step on my journey I suppose...
Thanks for listening!
Bryan
Bryan, i dont normally post in here but your thread caught my eye, im sure your wife is so proud of you for taking such a big step.
Take care of yourself.0 -
Sorry that you had to do that Bryan.
I packed up my husbands clothes as I was moving house and it had to be done. I had to abandon it as I couldn't stop crying. Still to this day I forget that I have all of the drawers to fill with clothes. Either I'll be cramming tops into one drawer and I'll realise that I have other drawers that are empty-or I'll be looking all over the house for a particular top and then remember that it's in one of his drawers. Like you I kept some of his things and wear some of his tops and hoodies around the house when I want something big and snuggley. (I'm not sure if you could carry that off though).
Trading in his car was tough, his friends called it his handbag
! In fact I sold mine and drove his for a while but it was in bits.
I still have his CDs in the living room- he was a lovely husband but his taste in music was........interesting......:o. I like having the furniture that we chose together in the old house around me. I hate the idea of having to replace it in the future.
Well done Bryan, what you did wasn't easy.0 -
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Thanks for the support and good wishes folks...
Now that its boxed up, its time to sort out donating it somewhere!
Might as well try and make some good of it.
It took me two years to clean out my fathers room, and I donated 3 VANS, yes, VANS, full of stuff to SVP, and the Irish Cancer Society.
It took a lot of the sting out of it to know that even though he can't use that stuff anymore, and he's gone, he's still in a way, out there, helping others.
And part of me is really hoping one day I'll see someone in one of his jumpers or hats, be like him saying hello to me
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What age was Kate, Bryan? And how old is your son?
Kate was 26 when she died, much too young.....But we had over 11 great years together so I have plenty of happy memories to get me through the times when darkness creeps in, so I focus on those rather than whats lost!
And our son is 7 and a half now.
And thanks for the lovely post....
You'll know when you are ready to face the room in your own time I hope.That's lovely, Bryan. Fair play to you for taking that difficult step and also for keeping the things with happy memories attached to them
Thanks Windsock, I kept them cos they spark great memories, and I'm hoping when my son is older he'll appreciate them as another tangible link to his Mam, aswell as her jewellery, our letters and keepsakes, and the stories we all(Family and Friends) still tell about her....It took me two years to clean out my fathers room, and I donated 3 VANS, yes, VANS, full of stuff to SVP, and the Irish Cancer Society.
It took a lot of the sting out of it to know that even though he can't use that stuff anymore, and he's gone, he's still in a way, out there, helping others.
And part of me is really hoping one day I'll see someone in one of his jumpers or hats, be like him saying hello to me
Well done Kablamo!
For a long time after Kate died.
I felt really possesive and selfish about her things.
Its childish of me, but after she died we donated her organs and I felt like I'd already given enough of her away, silly I know!
But grief makes your mind work in a fairly irrational way
It seems silly but I felt that by keeping the stuff.....
I was keeping part of her close to me, and it was a big safety blanket for me until now..
I hope you see that jumper someday Kablamo!
Thanks again for the support folks!
Its mad how I can vent this to Boards......Its very cathartic!0 -
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I took a step today...
I did something that even a few months ago I would have found impossible,
even a few weeks ago I think.
4 years,5months and 28days after I lost her.
4years and 6months to day since she collapsed...
Strange how that number is still constantly calculated in my mind....
I never need to think about how long, if someone asks me..
Its like uour death was my year zero!
I cleared out and boxed up my late Wife's wardrobe contents...
The last time I tried putting anything she owned away, it was some laundry that had been there since you collapsed....
It took me 4 months to get around to psyching myself upto putting those few pieces in the wardrobe..
I broke down, I vomited....
Because I knew the next time they'd come out of the wardrobe, was when I was giving them away....Or putting them away!
Today in other words!
But slowly the realisation has dawned on me that it doesn't matter how much I love her, She's never coming home
And living in our past, its great But its not good is it?
I need to know I can move on, and having you still in our bedroom isn't going to help that.
I had asked her sister, and my sisters to call over.....
To take anything they wanted...
In the hope I think that everything would evaporate away.
But I think they were as apprehensive about it being another goodbye as I am So they never came....
I hoped they would...that then I wouldn't have to sort through her clothes...
Remembering when she wore this top, or that dress,
Putting my face into the fabric and trying to catch some remnant of her scent.
And maybe even getting a little bit mad at all the stuff thats in there with tags still on....
Stuff she'd bought in advance for events we'd planned,
Days we had everything arranged for and we never had....
There are some things, that I didn't box up....I moved them into mine
Because, I love the memory of her in them and they remind me of our happiest days.
The dress she wore at her 21st.....
The outfit she wore when our Son was christened...
And the dress she wore at Ant + Ali's wedding.
When everyone looked at you and knew I was the luckiest man there Including the groom :P
I boxed up everything else tho and I'll keep it close
I still can't believe how many pairs of shoes, Belts and Handbags there are!
I miss telling you slow down....The credit card has a limit, not a target
I don't really know why I posted this....
Other than this was something I never thought I could do...
I'm terrified by what this moving on means, But I'm still the man she made me and its time for the next step on my journey I suppose...
Thanks for listening!
Bryan
Hi Bryan,
I wish I could thank this a million more time, I've been sitting here for half an hour in tears. I'm a couple of years behind you, started going out with my boyfriend when I was 15, 19 now. I pulled a strop with him earlier when he went out of his way to give me a lift home and all I can think now is, what if he had been in an accident on his way back? You've really opened my eyes, thank you a million billion times over 0 -
I'm doing a crazy thing in November - I'm going to Australia for one week (I couldn't be away from the children any longer)! My dear uncle is out there, he has attempted to come to Ireland twice since Dad (his brother) died, but I know deep down he feels he has nothing to come home for as Dad was his anchor here - except to visit his grave.
I'm planning on bringing a few of Dad's things over to him. It might help him, I hope it does.
Mum died 4 weeks after Dad, she LOVED clothes (her last credit card bill was from 3 different boutiques, she never got to wear those clothes ) and I can't bear to get rid of them. Her sisters say they would love some of her clothes but don't feel ready yet.
I feel it's so unfair because they had so much living to do, they were only grandparents for a short while and felt it so cruel that their lives were being cut short just when they were starting to enjoy living.
But then I read about your dear wife, Bryan and realise at least my parents got to see us grow up and become independent - becoming grandparents was a bonus. Kate was denied that.0 -
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LeeHoffmann wrote: »Hi Bryan/Banie,
I've only posted once before in this forum -in the 'tell us about them' thread. I wrote about my Dad who died just over two years ago now. I remember your kind response, which comforted me - it was totally unexpected. I only hope, at some point, I can comfort you or someone like you in a similar way. (I don't expect you to remember btw!)
Lee, Thank you so much for the kind words
And of course i remember the post, and after your post here.....
I'm even more certain now than I was then that your Dad is looking down on you as a very very proud man!
It means a lot to know that anything I've said here on boards has been of any help at all to someone.....
Because silly as it may seem, the anonymous little vent for my emotion that I've found often here
Has been of great help to me in getting myself back to some kind of normality.
Where i can accept my loss and move on, rather than wailing in despair about the unfairness of it all!
Which I did for all too long,holding everything in and trying to'be strong'....
I've learned that strength is accepting that you're never as strong as you think...
That its ok to need help, and that knowing that even if you don't.... people are there who will try if you ask...
It helps me to remember that when those thoughts of loneliness and isolation creep in....
That you never really are!
I'm exceptionally lucky to have great family and friends support around me, but even here on boards.ie...
Manys a time the typed thoughts of a stranger here have given me a new perspective, a bit of renewed hope and a smile!
Much as you've just done
Thank you.LeeHoffmann wrote: »Know that you are in the thoughts of many people - even many strangers. Our hearts go out to you Bryan. I wish you and your son only the very best for the future, and pray that you continue to see Kate in him as he grows.
Thanks again for the kind words Lee, the support, advice and good wishes from so many on here has been a great help to me through all this.
Its funny you should mention continuing to see kKate in him as he grows....
Luckily for him its a trait that only seems to be getting stronger!(And if he ends up with my height and her looks he'll be a heartbreaker lol)
I'm just in middle of uploading some pics of our trip to Dublin to see Batman live....
And as I read that part of your post, I'm looking at a pic of our son....and he looks so like his mam I had to double take
And of course he has her cheeky impish manner too...
He's a dangerous combination though cute and smartassed, we were at the O2 for Batman live this weekend, and this 30something dude sits near us in a Superman tshirt, and we start chatting...
So Josh asks him why he wore a Superman tshirt to a Batman show...
Dude says I like comics and sure they are both DC(thinking that was enough logic to shut up a 7y.o)
Josh looks him up and down and says so's Wonderwoman....
Are you wearing her knickers too???
The poor dude had his mates and half the audience laughing at him all night!
And as much as I know I should have pulled josh up on being lippy.....It reminded so much of things his Mam had done in the past....
I just left it slide and took it as a sign she was enjoying our trip too
He is a happy and content child who looks after me as much as i do him, and I hope he carries on the way he is going because I'm already very proud of the little man his become.0 -
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