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25-02-2011, 13:02   #1
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Sucessfully estranging from family...

i wrote here before about a horrible brother of mine, who has treated me like sh&t all mylife.

i just wanted to ask people if you can successfully estrange yourself from family, without it continuing to 'haunt' you? I find myself lately, thinking about my brothers funeral (he's not in great health) and whether I will or won't go to his funeral....that might sound odd but i can almost sense the trouble amongst other family members if I dont go. I have a child who mentions him here and there, and wonders why we don't see him anymore.

The bottom line is this guy has always treated me badly - im female and the youngest in my family, he's one of the oldest. We have fought on and off over the years and there have been many arguments where he's spat in my face and called me awful names. i put up with it over the years, often falling out with him for a few weeks, only for him to worm his way back into my life.

anyway, I dont want my child to see him treating me like this ever again (my child, was unfortunately in the room for the last argument) because not only do i not want him to think that my brothers behaviour is ok, but i don't want him to think it's ok for anyone to treat ME like that either...

So have any of you successfully just walked away from family, without looking back??? I find im in a cycle of accepting his treatment of me, arguing with him, falling out with him and then getting back in contact...but i am determined this time, to break the cycle.
 
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25-02-2011, 14:13   #2
daenerysstormborn3
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OP, I have a similar situation but it's with my sister.

For years, all my life, she has treated me and everyone like dirt. Most people put up with it and say oh sure that's just the way she is but she has alienated quite a few people, myself included. We have not spoken in nearly 4 years and I don't even miss her. She would blow up over something and take it out on whoever happened to be closest to her and unfortunately we lived together for around 6 months and this resulted in me having enough and us not speaking for around 6 months after that and then getting on fine for a couple of months, then another fight and after that I just couldn't take it anymore and it's been 4 years now.

She got married last year and I didn't attend the wedding. This caused a fair bit of friction in the family because we come from quite a large extended family and some of them knew what was going on and some of them didn't and my not attending the wedding was the topic of conversation for a while. My sister didn't want me at the wedding, she told my parents that and i didn't want to go to the wedding, I told my parents that but it still became an issue for people who didn't know what was going on. The reason I didn't attend her wedding aside from her not wanting me there and us not speaking for 4 years was because I knew I wouldn't be able to sit there and feel happiness for her the way you should at a family wedding.

If I was lying on my death bed I wouldn't want her anywhere near me and she feels the same.
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26-02-2011, 16:13   #3
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I remember your thread, OP. You have nothing to gain by skipping his funeral. Afterall, he will be gone, but you will be placating your family. After the mass and burial, you can forget he was ever part of your life.
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26-02-2011, 16:32   #4
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thank you.

I do agree that when he dies (although he'll probably outlive the rest of us!) i can forget about him but in the meantime, even though i know what im doing is right for both me, and my child, i am still so full of guilt that he is family.

he has asked my other brother if he can see my child this week - said he misses my child - this is how he wormed his way back into my life the last time...

he has asked my brother even to text him when he's minding my son (my 'nice' brother is minding my son after school twice this week) so he can see him when im not there - and of course, not to tell me. Fair play though, he rang me to ask if it was ok that he does this (Ive said no)...

i wish i could stop feeling this guilt and just completely forget him without feeling this way...
 
27-02-2011, 10:31   #5
tinkerbell
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OP, your brother has been awful to you. I would not feel guilty about having nothing to do with him. And do not let him near your child either. If he treats you with no respect, your child will pick up on that and he would have a very bad influence on your child - something you definitely do not want.

And ya know something, who cares if he misses your child? That's his own doing. If he had been a nice person, he would still be able to see his nephew. But he's acted like an awful horrible person, and now moans that he can't see his nephew - it's all his own doing. I wouldn't feel sorry for him or feel guilt. Just because he's "family" doesn't give him a free ticket to do whatever he wants.
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27-02-2011, 16:13   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tinkerbell View Post
Just because he's "family" doesn't give him a free ticket to do whatever he wants.
This!

OP, I have a sister that I no longer have any contact with. I have tried but there is only so much using, belittling and general nastiness I can take. I have chosen to cut her out of my life and it suits us both. We don't like each other, we don't want to be around each other and while other members of the family would prefer if we could get along it's not something I'm prepared to do for the sake of other people's convenience.

The fact that she is my sister does not entitle her to treat me like muck. I wouldn't accept it from any of my friends so why would I accept it from a member of my own family?

Do not feel guilty about your brother. He treated you appallingly and now has to face the consequences of his actions. You don't want him involved in your life or your childs life and you are perfectly entitled to make that decision. Don't let anyone guilt you into changing your mind if this is what you want.
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