Feelings towards the First Love (now ex)

LegacyUser · 25-01-2010 10:39am #1

Good morning to the gentlemans club.

I'm just looking for some past experiences.

For a bit of background, i recently broke up with my girlfriend. I was with her for about a year. I realised towards the end of the relationship that she was my first. It wasn't a case of young love (i think), i have had a few long term relationships before this relationship.

I'm just wondering how you feel towards your first. If any of you have just broken up with one, how do you feel towards them now?

As a ps; Here is the dreaded question, has anyone made the "lets be friends" work?

CDfm · 31-01-2010 11:51pm

A deep one.

My own feeling is that you are clinging on to the past and if you do the friends thing you may end up getting hurt. Thats why people recommend the no contact as its an emotional hardship.

I have had several in my life and life goes on. My son is the same age as my first love was when we broke up. Tempus fugit.

Green Gooner · 31-01-2010 11:59pm

In my first proper relationship, which was my only to date, we were going out and a year-and-a-half and we've now split up some 3 years ago.

I dont know what I think of her.....but I think if I bumped into her - I'd get goosebumps.....:eek:

cocoa · 01-02-2010 12:48am

I'm still fairly young when it comes to this thing but I'd always reason that if I wanted the relationship in the first place, the person must be worth being friends with. So I'd try to stay on good terms maybe even good friends, but I'd never try to do this immediately after the breakup. Definitely need a period of no contact, if for no other reason than to get them out of your head as a partner (friends who you still have partner thoughts for isn't a good idea).

redfacedbear · 04-02-2010 12:55pm

My first 'grown-up' relationship lasted a year or so when I was 21 (I'm 35 now). I was devastated when she finished with me - I tried staying in touch for a while afterwards but it was excruciating and delayed me getting over her.

In retrospect, I now recognise that it was an imperfect relationship that lasted much longer than it should have. We weren't very compatible (different outlooks on life, ambitions, attitudes to sex etc). At the time I was too clueless to recognise this for the problem it was (and indeed having just coming out of a horrific 3 year 'dry spell' I was so terrified of being alone again that I think I clinged on far longer than was seemly).

I think the real thing that I learned from this (combined with meeting people I was really compatible with later on) was to be much more selective and to only get into relationships on my on terms. A valuable lesson so:D

helimachoptor · 04-02-2010 12:59pm

My first serious relationship went from 18-22. It really should have ended after 2 years as we had run or course. She was great and not sure why she put up with me, I was a terrible boyfriend. We broke up for a while then got back together but I had no interest, I was almost afraid to dump her (not sure why).

In the end she start meeting a guy from work (behind my back) for about a week, I knew something was up so we had a chat, poor girl was so upset about what she was doing, i was delighted! Finally got rid of her

chat occasionally via mail now, she married the guy last year, still have some fond memories though.

05-02-2010 12:25am

I'm confused. You realised that this girl is your first love, and then you broke up with her?
If you have feelings for someone, or you know they have feelings for you, don't even attempt to be friends.

helimachoptor · 05-02-2010 1:42pm

Moonbaby wrote: »

I'm confused. You realised that this girl is your first love, and then you broke up with her?
If you have feelings for someone, or you know they have feelings for you, don't even attempt to be friends.

she was/is my first love, we were great for 2 years, but then we should have broke up, but we were arguing for a while and broke up after 3.5 years for a few weeks but then got back together as we were young and foolish, for the remaining few months I had no desire to be with her but kept backing out of ending it, then she told me she'd meet someone else, she was baffled why she was so upset and i was pretty happy

Agree, trying to be friends ends badly!

CDfm · 05-02-2010 1:46pm

helimachoptor wrote: »

Agree, trying to be friends ends badly!

Are you friends now as it does not bother you.

No feelings about her being with someone else. Thats the killer isnt it.

05-02-2010 2:11pm

helimachoptor wrote: »

she was/is my first love, we were great for 2 years, but then we should have broke up, but we were arguing for a while and broke up after 3.5 years for a few weeks but then got back together as we were young and foolish, for the remaining few months I had no desire to be with her but kept backing out of ending it, then she told me she'd meet someone else, she was baffled why she was so upset and i was pretty happy

Agree, trying to be friends ends badly!

Oh I was talking to the op.

force majeure · 05-02-2010 10:57pm

As with what some more say the Friends bit tends not to work as some where along the line your end up falling out.
As for how you well fell a few years from now... it be all forgotten or you go totally bonkers with regret... life ant it super.

davy7 · 08-02-2010 6:38pm

finished with girlfriend after 6 years. really thought i would be the one to move on no probs and she would find it hard.........as it turns out im the one that misses her way too much for my own good and she doesnt seem to give a dam!!

still pretty good friends but does seem like skating on thin ice at times!!

CDfm · 08-02-2010 7:10pm

davy7 wrote: »

finished with girlfriend after 6 years. really thought i would be the one to move on no probs and she would find it hard.........as it turns out im the one that misses her way too much for my own good and she doesnt seem to give a dam!!

still pretty good friends but does seem like skating on thin ice at times!!

You are not a mind reader and it depends who finished with whom.

So you may not know how she feels as she probably wont tell you.

Grass is always greener etc

Pyr0 · 08-02-2010 8:36pm

First teenage love I'm pretty good friends with after about 4 years of being broken up. The latest one, who I'd consider my first real love is still a bit rocky friendship wise, she means too much to me to just forget about all together so we're working on it

LegacyUser · 09-02-2010 11:15pm

to answer a question, i loved her for ages. And actually i realised, (during the breakup conversation) that the previous girls i "loved" i didn't really love them compared to this one.

on the friends issue, if i decide to go down that route
I was asking for peoples experiences with being friends with ex's. especially in relation to significant ex's

to quote some one else who posted above,t think she is too important to me not to have in my life

helimachoptor · 10-02-2010 12:53pm

CDfm wrote: »

Are you friends now as it does not bother you.

No feelings about her being with someone else. Thats the killer isnt it.

Yep when you think of your partner with someone else and it doesnt bother you time to call it a day I think

ToxicPaddy · 12-02-2010 1:47pm

Hmmm.. my feelings on this are mixed.

I was in a few long term relationships, one ended amicable but got nasty afterwards (her actions not mine), so I now want nothing to do with her, another ended badly after I caught her cheating, so needless to say I want nothing to do with her now..

But there was one from college, my first true first, who I still think about now and again, it was a stormy one, very intense and lots of arguing, etc but some very good moments too.. if I knew then what I knew now, I reckon it would have been better, we were both young and relatively immature in the area of relationships.. so I don't have any bad feelings towards her and honestly do wish her well but I doubt we can ever be friends..

Its hard to know, I know trying to be friends with an ex after a long term thing has never worked for me, I usually just go for a clean break and move on. its much easier in the long run.

Snowie · 12-02-2010 2:17pm

I think x gfs (first loves) are there, for one reason.
To learn from. weather you beheaved stupid or weather she was a selfish headnoist or maybe you broke up cause of distance.... The fact remains..

It didn't work out. As much as you would like, thats somthing you have to
except. Move on from..

Maybe in ten years. A situation may arise where you get to come face to face with your past.

maybe not.... I wouldnt do anything about it... look forwards not back wards

FewFew · 13-02-2010 12:47am

In my own experience I've always considered myself to be the type of guy that would try to stay friends with exs, but over time I've realised this is not the case. I've never managed to break up with a girlfriend and continue on as friends. I have tried hard and assured them we would stay friends, but there is an inevitable drifting apart as they replace you and you replace them.
Recently I've discovered that time heals all and I now get on quite well with one of my first girlfriends, so I no longer think I'm some sort of anti-jesus monster, now I know that while I never forget, I do have the ability to forgive.

I've never been in a situation where I've had a long term female friend and we've suddenly decided to go out... I imagine in that circumstance it should be possible to return to friendship unless something disastrous has occurred.

So I'd recommend giving the first loves and exs a bit of time and space incase the love turns to hate, which can happen all too easily.

Valmont · 13-02-2010 1:05am

If you love her then the 'just be friends' option is bound to get ugly when she has a new man on the scene. It can be hard to repress jealously when you feel strongly about someone. Clean break would probably help, at least for the first while.

Feelings towards the First Love (now ex)

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