Abuse and parents response

LegacyUser · 04-10-2009 9:27pm #1

Hi.
Long story short, was abused when about 6 years old by-argh! having difficulty even typing it. My fathers father. Told my parents, and the abuse stopped, but to protect my granny it was kept on the quiet. Had to continue going up to the house where it happened-with him in it, pretending that all was fine until he died when I was about 14. Although the abuse stopped, he continued to try come into my room while I'd be getting changed, or when I'd be in the bathroom (couldn't lock the door). Used to leer at me when at dinner table etc. Put me in situations where I'd have to talk to him as my grandmother would be there, and she might think something was up otherwise. Basically he enjoyed the whole aspect of getting away with it, and torturing me.
As I said, he has died, and my granny since, has also died. I haven't been up there since I was 14, and wouldn't ever go back there.
I've been going to counselling for the last year and a bit, and have had an incredibly difficult time coming to terms with the whole thing. I was really doing very well in the last few months there, but I'm looking for advice here.
I can seem to reconciliate the fact that my parents in essence covered for him. This has caused me so much heartache I cant even begin to describe. I sometimes want to just pack up and move so far away, just to anywhere, never see anyone again with any connection to this whole mess. Some members of the extended family were told about the abuse at the time, like some aunts and uncles. No one ever came out and showed support for me, said no, what he did was wrong. No one did this, it was just swept under the carpet.
I cant really breathe at the moment-sometimes this realisation about my family just hits me and it is too much to bear. I don't know how to deal with this about my parents in particular. I feel like I have been let down in the worst way.
I'm 22 now. They recently went to visit family, and would've stayed at the house where the abuse happened as my aunt still lives there. I have been told that there are photographs of him all over the house still. It disgusts me that they didn't do anything about the abuse, that they do not feel the same disgust toward him as I do.
I don't know what else to say. I just, I was doing so well, am frightened that the depression will come back-it was really bad for a while, I thought I'd have to go into a mental facility for it. Sorry this is so long, and if it isn't very coherent. I don't even know what I'm looking for on here, I just feel so lost at the moment.

Zaph · 04-10-2009 10:01pm

Your story is horrific and I can't imagine what it must be like to feel that you don't have any support from your family. Have you tried contacting One in Four? They deal with people in your position all the time and provide support and therapy to victims of sexual abuse.

MizzLolly · 04-10-2009 10:17pm

Hey OP. You are doing really well, so don't knock yourself!

What you went through is horrific and unfortunately is not half as uncommon as people may think. I also know someone who could have typed what you did and am sure there are many other people who will read this and will know somebody else in this situation. It's very very sad that it happened to you.

I can 100% understand why you are angry and feel let down by your parents. You have every right to feel this way. One guess I can make is that your parents were trying to sweep it under the carpet to cause as little damage as possible but failed to realise how much more damage that did to you. By rights, they should have picked you up and moved you far, far away from that man and never had you subjected to his glares ever again. But they made the wrong decision for whatever reason. You're right, they should have spoken out for you and in reality, you should have been the last person to be expected to treat him with any civility. The way it was handled is terrible. But not at all unusual. I know of a good few family abuse cases that are treated similarly and sadly they all seem to be kept silent in order to protect the family even though it's probably the worst way to treat the victim.

You are doing remarkably well though considering what happened to you. You've been seeing a counsellor which I think is so brave and a really positive step to take so you should give yourself a pat on the back for that much. Another advantage you have right now is your ability to speak up for yourself. As a child it's hard to see when something unjust is happening, let alone be able to do anything about it. But now that you're older you can use your voice. Sit down with your parents and tell them under no uncertain terms how this has affected you. Tell them how you're still sickened by how they allowed him to taunt you after what he did. Make it very clear to them that you sometimes want to run as far away from them as possible because they made you go back into that man's house. Tell them that as far as your concerned nobody should have hid it and kept it a secret and that it still sickens you knowing that your aunts and uncles helped to hide it all. You were six years old and those adults should have done the right thing. I know they're you're family but really, they should be told just how much their response has hurt you.

I know they probably did it because they thought if they played it down it would make a smaller impact but this isnt the case and you are perfectly entitled to tell them this now. Ask them outright how they feel about him. You're older now and you're well able to (and well justified) to fight your corner. I would suggest though, that before you do anything, to speak about it with your counsellor first. And I say that about any of the advice you get here online. It may be best to discuss it first with a professional before you make any big moves. But I do think you've got every right to put your foot down now.

Best of luck OP. I really hope everything get's better for you.

Nevyn · 04-10-2009 10:24pm

Sorry ot hear of what happened to you.
Keep going to counselling, you have a lot of things to work through and some of them you will always be conflicted over, but keep going.

Ann22 · 05-10-2009 9:37am

That's horrendous op. I can imagine how angry you must feel, keep at the counselling.
I think this situation in the Ireland up until the 70s in particular was quite common, sweeping 'that sort of thing' under the carpet. to force you to spend time in this pervert's company was absolutely unforgiveable! You were an innocent precious little girl. If i'd been your mother your feelings would've been the most important thing, not my mother's. Even to have his photos still on display now is disgraceful. Maybe you should write a letter to your parents explaining how you feel, imo they should be told how wrong they were.

WesternNight · 05-10-2009 5:19pm

I can understand to a certain extent why your parents did what they did (or didn't do, as the case may be). I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for them as well as for you. But I can't help feeling like I'd probably kill that man before letting him anywhere my child again (and I don't even have children).

It might help to bring it up with your parents if you feel ok about it? I wouldn't be surprised if they felt very very guilty about how they handled it and it might do everyone good to clear the air. If they're not aware of the impact this has all had on you...then maybe they need to be made aware of it?

We're having some similar issues in my own family at the moment...and talking about it really does help.

nesbitt · 05-10-2009 9:28pm

It is vital that you continue to go to councelling. Please remember that you are not alone and that there are other people that have been abused also.

LegacyUser · 05-10-2009 9:43pm

Hi all,
thanks so much for the kind responses. I know there are a lot of people in similar situations, and my heart goes out to them. My parents are ridden with guilt, it's just a horrible situation. Then when I vent my anger, it just brings their guilt to the fore, and in turn makes me feel even worse, it's an awful cycle, but it is getting better. It just got on top of me yesterday. I however, count myself lucky that I have parents that try to support me now, and recognise that their response was a mistake. No harm was intended, but it's just going to take time for the situation to heal.
Anyone been through a similar situation, I would recommend counselling, it really does help. I think I'll have set backs every now and again, but I'm back to my normal self again today after such despair yesterday.

Thank you all so much. xxxx

neuro-praxis · 05-10-2009 11:22pm

As you know you are not alone. My best friend and her sister were repeatedly abused by a family friend, and when they told their mother about it they received a vague "these things happen" type response. (I'm guessing she may have suffered abuse herself.)

The bottom line is, as you know yourself, your parents failed you. Part of the healing for you will be accepting that you don't have the parents that you would want to have - you only have the parents you've got.

A plus is that they know what they did was wrong, in some ways their guilt must feel gratifying.

But if you want to have any kind of normal relationship with your parents you are going to have to set about the painful and difficult task of forgiving them. The alternative is to cut them out of your life - and you don't sound as though you want to do that.

Stay in counselling and be kind to yourself. You sound like a good person and you did not deserve the abuse, and you deserved better from your parents, too.

LegacyUser · 06-10-2009 1:51pm

Hi Op, my heart well and truely goes out to you. For two reasons, one nobody should have their right to a happy and healthy childhood taken away from them and two my now 4 year old son is going through exactly the same as you did but the abuser is his own father.

Your parents probably did what they thought was best at the time, even if their actions were seriously misguided.

It appears they can now see that what they did was wrong, you are hurting but it would seems so are they.

Can I just say though, you ask why wasnt it reported well I for one would seriously consider whether or not I would ever go down this route again.

My son at 3 years old was able to describe graphic sexual actions and had both physical and mental symptoms but get this the report from the HSE last week cannot say if the allegations agains my ex were created with malicious intent!! Its my character being called into question for trying to protect my son from harm.

I will never put my children through all the questions, accusations, disruption in their lives and just pure stress.

It is very hard to prove when a child has been abused and in one sense you have been spared all my poor unfortunate son has been through. He has been poked and prodded by GP's and at assessment units, met with therapists, psychologists, social workers (many off and each as incompetent as the other) Gardai and he is just a baby.

You cannot change what has happened in your past but you do have a future. Dont allow this to ruin it. You deserve a happy adulthood more so if your childhood was so crap

I truely wish you the best for the future

zootie · 10-10-2009 3:56am

parents can be so shocked by this that they do not know what to do. work on yourself as this is the only person you have control over. keep on going with the councelling, focus on a better future, acknolgede the past. it was not your fault . somebody close to me had a similar experience but got through it with the help of counclelling, each feeling you have passes in time, the bad ones as well as the good, get through the bad ones and enjoy the good. be kind to your self and give your self time to heal.

ash23 · 10-10-2009 9:23am

OP, I have had close family go through this. I won't go into details, but I just wanted to commend you on how well you are doing.
I also wanted to say, you mention your parents are now supportive and racked with guilt. Have you talked to them about maybe attending a joint counselling session, or them going to counselling? I think it would help if you understood the mentality behind why they did what they did.
And it may help them with their guilt issues and open up the topic. It was all swept under the carpet before and has caused untold damage. Perhaps a joint counselling session (or a few) would help you guys talk about it openly.

Abuse and parents response

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