Husband really causing me terrible stress & so unhappy - boards.ie
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20-04-2009, 17:08   #1
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Husband really causing me terrible stress & so unhappy

I just need somewhere to vent, as I cannot talk to anyone about this. It's too private and I hate people knowing my personal business. Plus, it's a hard thing to put into words in a conversation.
My husband is driving me insane for a very long time now, he is one of those people who just cannot take responsiblity for anything, he cannot put his hands up and say "yup, I was wrong it was me". It is always someone elses fault, never ever his. He brings out the worst in me temper wise and I feel I am not the person I used to be and I know my friends have picked up on my personality change. Simple things like something I would usually find funny, well I just don't laugh at it and I am gone so quiet aswell, terrible at conversation and I just feel so stressed out all the time. We have 2 fab children and I am expecting no.3 in the summer, so I really don't need his crap. He is not at all caring towards me being pregnant, he never does or says anything nice to me and I am sick of it. He just wants to act as if he is Mr. Know it all and does nothing wrong. He is a bully towards me alot aswell and tries to turn the tables on me then. I have to stand up for myself.

These are the main problems that have caused me so much trouble:
1. He owed thousands in unpaid taxes to the Revenue, the sheriff came to us for it but we had no money at the time and no property so he went after our parents with a warrant. I panicked, he didn't, came up with this thing that they cannot take a penny off our parents but I was terrified and I got the money to pay the Revenue off in a way I didn't want to but I didn't want either parents landed with that debt. He seemed happy enough to have the sheriff calling to their doors but I couldn't let it happen.
2. We fell behind in mortgage repayments, that was ALL MY FAULT aswell, not his. I should have been checking the bank, not him of course. For some reason the DD's were not being called and we didn't know. I didn't use internet banking then but I do now to track everything. Even when we got help from MABS he was blaming me in front of the money advisor. I knew about it before him, but I tried to sort it myself as he was going thru a very tough time and I didn't want him under stress. I had the money to clear it but it had to go elsewhere suddenly for another debt that could have landed me in jail to be honest.( I cannot go into that as of course that was not his fault either, he nearly ruined my life) I had to pay it off to protect my kids. We are now paying off the arrears and things are okay with that.
3.He spent a load of money there last week and is trying to blame me!. I have not used that account in ages and it's him and he is trying to find a way to point the finger at me. I used it for something last week the day before I got paid but that is all and I had told him about it.
4. He is lazy around the house and leaves stuff everywhere and denies it, the odd time he does quiet a bit and I have to listen to it for ages. I work my so hard everyday and keep things going the best I can, but I get so tired lately and fall behind in washing maybe and he throws that in my face.
5. He is always critisizing my parenting, granted I am softer on the kids but he can be so mean sometimes. He is stricter than me and to be honest when I do get annoyed with them I might let a rip out of me for a few seconds!!. But they really have to be testing me for that.
6. He always puts me down in front of people and I am sick of it. I am not stupid, have a fairly good job, adore my kids, look after the house and I am not that ugly either and he just loves putting me down.

Oh I don't know, I am just so unhappy and need someone to tell me it's me being a hormonal pain in the rearend or that he needs to cut me some slack.
I don't even know sometimes if I love him anymore, sometimes I do, otherdays I just feel so empty around him, surely that cannot be right.

Sorry for the rant, I need some advice/help here and I don't feel like talking to friends or anyone about it.
 
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20-04-2009, 17:54   #2
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My ex was like this....I tried eveything, he would never change. I left him, I am so happy now. Dont let the fact that you have kids stand in your way, get out. Its better without them parasiting off you and draining you.

The more you sort out his messes, the more messes he will create for you.

Get out. Seriously.
 
20-04-2009, 17:54   #3
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First of all OP hope you feel a bit better after that post.What to say?Well you mention it's too private to confide in any family or friends.Think again on that one.You need support and even talking unburdens yourself.Do you put up a front?Do you basically hide the issues from everyone and maintain a strong ,united family front where everything is rosy in the garden?Time to stop that one I think.Why should you cover anymore for your husband?If what you say is true then he is acting like a spoilt,irresponsible and (frankly) a bloody jerk.Who the hell does he think he is?Maybe if someone else could see whats going on and said it to him then he might cop on.Have you expressed your annoyance ?Have you walked away so as not to start arguments?Do you back down?Bullies love this.He needs to be confronted and made see what he is putting in danger.You are weary and tired and exhausted from making all the effort.Now you are not best placed to try to change things given your pregnancy.

Not easy either with two kids to be minded.You are carrying too much burden.Start talking and looking for help.There is no shame in this.He should be ashamed and made see in no uncertain terms what he is risking .

Hopefully there is someone close to you.Alternatively please discuss with your doctor and seek advice.

Good luck with the next arrival and look after yourself first.
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20-04-2009, 18:06   #4
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Pack his ****, have it waiting for him when he comes home from work....End of, if you really feel the way you say youd and you really believe that he is treating you so badly then why stay together??????

And dont use the kids as an excuse to stay together, they'll feel the tension and it will affect them negatively
As long as hes working he will have to pay maintenance, and pay a decent sum at that. If he gives you any crap just take him to court, dont argue with him, just do it
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20-04-2009, 18:41   #5
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Op here and thanks for the replies, yes the fact that I can't/won't confide in anyone is draining enough but seriously I really don't want anyone knowing this. On the outside we come across so united and that life is fine. The odd day we are okay and don't have any arguements and I just hope everytime that we have crossed the line and can have a normal life. It's just the whole blame thing, the nastiness towards me that nobody see's, how can I can tell someone that?. My friends would call over to me alot and me to them and really I don't want people judging him either or telling me to do this and that because he will pick up on it.
Also, he would go mad if he thought I was talking about him to anyone. I did that one before and never again, he even went thru a stage of checking my texts and listening to my phone calls. I had told a friend of mine something before but never again once he realized she knew, he was rude to her when she was in our house and was furious with me for telling someone.
I used to be so confident and fun and over the past few years I have just turned into a person I don't know.

I do stand up to him and I have done it once or twice in a way I am ashamed of which once involved a broken cup and the other slamming doors. I hate when I feel so mad/upset that I lost it like that & then once I do that he calls me a bully.

I wasn't 100% thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again this time, and it was nothing to do with the baby or pregnancy,it was the fact that I don't think my marraige is strong enough for another baby and I don't want to have to rare 3 kids on my own or be in a situation where I would have to share custody and not see them one or two nights a week, it would kill me being away from them for any amount of time, they are my life.

I don't think he loves me at all if I am honest about it either, he is always looking for way to accuse me of this and that and make everything out to be my fault.

I am just so upset now and feel like total crap, it's like I've had it now and cannot cope anymore without something actually happening to sort out this mess.
 
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20-04-2009, 19:45   #6
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Op here and thanks for the replies, yes the fact that I can't/won't confide in anyone is draining enough but seriously I really don't want anyone knowing this. On the outside we come across so united and that life is fine.
No point coming across united and that life is fine, when you are feeling the way you are inside, you'll end up making yourself sick with the stress, and that's not good for you, your current two children or the baby you are carrying.

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The odd day we are okay and don't have any arguements and I just hope everytime that we have crossed the line and can have a normal life. It's just the whole blame thing, the nastiness towards me that nobody see's, how can I can tell someone that?. My friends would call over to me alot and me to them and really I don't want people judging him either or telling me to do this and that because he will pick up on it.
How can't you tell someone that? And if you feel that you can't because you don't want people judging him, I suspect you'll be very surprised if you do tell one or two of your closest friends, people you are close to pick up on relationship issues as stressful as yours seem to be.

And frankly you not wanting anyone judging him is irrelevant, you are not his mother or his keeper, you are his wife and partner, it's his behaviour which will cause people to judge/form an opinion of him.

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Also, he would go mad if he thought I was talking about him to anyone. I did that one before and never again, he even went thru a stage of checking my texts and listening to my phone calls. I had told a friend of mine something before but never again once he realized she knew, he was rude to her when she was in our house and was furious with me for telling someone.
I used to be so confident and fun and over the past few years I have just turned into a person I don't know.
Says it all really to me, he checks your phone, and your texts and is rude to friends he thinks you talk to, and furious with you? You are in a marriage which should be an equal, respectful and loving relationship, not a dictatorship ruled by his wants/needs/opinions or thoughts.

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I do stand up to him and I have done it once or twice in a way I am ashamed of which once involved a broken cup and the other slamming doors. I hate when I feel so mad/upset that I lost it like that & then once I do that he calls me a bully.
That's not standing up to him imo, that's losing your temper and it's utterly unproductive, and will get you nowhere.

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I wasn't 100% thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again this time, and it was nothing to do with the baby or pregnancy,it was the fact that I don't think my marraige is strong enough for another baby and I don't want to have to rare 3 kids on my own or be in a situation where I would have to share custody and not see them one or two nights a week, it would kill me being away from them for any amount of time, they are my life.
Far better for the children to have parents who are happy and respectful to each other, than parents staying together "for the sake of the kids/outside world/in case people judge them"

Whatever you may feel that no one outside your home knows/is aware of your issues, you can be darned sure your kids are well aware of them, and feeding off that self same tension that you feel.


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I don't think he loves me at all if I am honest about it either, he is always looking for way to accuse me of this and that and make everything out to be my fault.

I am just so upset now and feel like total crap, it's like I've had it now and cannot cope anymore without something actually happening to sort out this mess.

Have you tried talking to him? Written him a letter? Could you get a babysitter and arrange a quiet night out where you could discuss things over dinner?

You've got lots of options, be it counselling to see if you can make a go of things again, seperation & mediation etc.

Imo you really need to a. confide in a close friend, and b. talk to your husband for a start. Even before you do that, perhaps sit down and make a list of what is good and what is not in terms of your relationship, but do try to talk to both your husband and one friend at least whom you can trust.

Good luck.
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20-04-2009, 19:58   #7
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Pack his ****, have it waiting for him when he comes home from work....End of, if you really feel the way you say youd and you really believe that he is treating you so badly then why stay together??????

And dont use the kids as an excuse to stay together, they'll feel the tension and it will affect them negatively
As long as hes working he will have to pay maintenance, and pay a decent sum at that. If he gives you any crap just take him to court, dont argue with him, just do it
Never mind packing his stuff, have a car boot sale when he is out of the house and sell it all.
OP you can't love someone who treats you like that, with so little respect. I really think you sound like a strong strong woman and would be better off on your own with the kids. You don't want them to grow up thinking that that is the way to treat your partner or anyone else.
You say he has been putting you down in front of other people. This won't have gone unnoticed by them and they may be desperate for you to say something to them as they may feel uncomfortable about broaching the subject with you. My sister stayed married to a man with similar problems (both emotional and financial) as your husband and finally told my parents 18 months ago, she had told me about 24 months ago and I tried to help her out and advise her on my own but things got so bad I told her she just had to involve the rest of our family. She did and to be honest it came as no great surprise to any of us. We all rallied around and helped her out as best we could and now she is almost at the final divorce stage, has just put a deposit on a new house of her own and the kids are doing really well.
In summary all I can say is that you deserve better and your kids deserve better, trust in your family to help and support you through this.
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20-04-2009, 20:58   #8
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I could have written your post last year... However I am now happily separated. I am parenting 3 children alone and doing just fine. Friends and family have told me that I am so relaxed and happy now. My closest brother told me last week that I am back to what I used to be before I had all the trouble...

Anyway please have a look at www.cosc.ie government website. Okay it is about domestic abuse but they have a concise and eye opening online questionaire regarding abusive relationships.

I was in an abusive relationship (mental) but not violent and I was going downhill slowly and surely getting my life sucked out of me.

I went from having a senior well paid job to being a down at heel, controlled person, not allowed to socialise and isolated from my family and friends.

I remember well the evening I looked at the questionaire and admitted to myself that enough was really enough.

Chin up and take the necessary steps to get your life back.

Ps. stop hiding your suffering, you are enabling the abuse.
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20-04-2009, 23:14   #9
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Poor OP!! You sound like you need a huge hug.

Now first thing that sprung to my mind is the list of his bad points, I mean you married the guy was he always like this..

About the debts you share, thats life and this saying is so true.. Once debt comes in the door, loves exits through the window.. These are tough times OP for the children's sake work it out like adults and communicate like adults, throwing things around will only scare your children.

Throw him out if all else fails, or ask him to leave, maybe you need a break from him. Would you consider leaving.
 
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20-04-2009, 23:15   #10
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OP i think you deserve more than what your husband is giving you.

You are clearly dissatisfied with your relationship....your husband is doing all of the taking and sooner or later it will have to stop. The way i see it is,you only have one life and no matter how difficult and complicated it would be to fix your relationship its worrth it in the long run.
I cant advise you to reak up with your husband because i dont know the ins and out of your relationship but to be honest you guys are not a happy couple and there could be someone else out there for you that would give you the love and respect that you definetely deserve.
If this is not an option then i would suggest marraige counselliong or "marraige Encounter" which is a weekend away to fix a marraige. I saw my parents go through some very rough phases and counselling really helped them to appreciate eachother and to try and change their bad habits,...which no offence your husband defo has. Good luck, i hope it all works out
 
21-04-2009, 05:22   #11
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Never mind packing his stuff, have a car boot sale when he is out of the house and sell it all.
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Pack his ****, have it waiting for him when he comes home from work....
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As long as hes working he will have to pay maintenance, and pay a decent sum at that. If he gives you any crap just take him to court, dont argue with him, just do it
It's interesting how so many of the respondents see the house and children as the wife's personal property, which she can take from her husband at any time. And you wonder why so many guys get "commitment-phobic"??

OP even rather creepily comments
Quote:
I don't want to have to rare 3 kids on my own or be in a situation where I would have to share custody and not see them one or two nights a week, it would kill me being away from them for any amount of time, they are my life.
without noting that maybe he might not appreciate losing them either?

I am aware that he's an abusive and unpleasant man, but an abusive and unpleasant wife could still kick out her husband and keep the children.
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21-04-2009, 08:48   #12
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Take som eresponsibility

Hi,

Find it hard to believe that the sheriff was going to go after your parents for a revenue debt. Not possible. You and only you or in your case your husband are liable for your taxes . Nobody else . so this seems to me like a fairy tale.

Secondly, you did not notice that DD's were not going through on your bank account for your mortgage, Yeah and bears don't s**t in the woods.

Start takin some responsibility it takes two to tango.
 
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21-04-2009, 10:07   #13
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Find it hard to believe that the sheriff was going to go after your parents for a revenue debt. Not possible. You and only you or in your case your husband are liable for your taxes . Nobody else . so this seems to me like a fairy tale.
That was something I found strange too TBH. Unless the parents went guarantor on bank loans etc then they would be liable, but for a revenue bill?

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Secondly, you did not notice that DD's were not going through on your bank account for your mortgage, Yeah and bears don't s**t in the woods.
That can happen. Happened to a friend of mine. A bank screwup and he missed two mortgage payments on the back of it.

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Start takin some responsibility it takes two to tango.
This I agree with to some degree. We're only getting one side of the story here. IMHO, no matter what the situation is between two people, no one person is 100% wrong or 100% right. While you may be 80% right, it still leaves 20% where you're wrong. Step back, acknowledge and address that first. If after you do and still there's no movement to the centre on his side, then you can be more proactive about thinking of breaking up and moving on.

Too often the kneejerk reaction comes into play. Many of the replies are good examples of that. That's fine and dandy, but all too often, the same crap has a nasty habit of rearing it's head in a different relationship down the line. You're not children so dialogue is paramount. Throwing his stuff out is what a child would do. Now he may continue to act like a child, even if you don't, but that's still no excuse to match him in that.

Is there any way you could see you and him going to marriage counseling? Failing that, can you get him and you to sit down together and talk? Have you really tried that before or does it kick off in hyped up argument mode on both sides from the get go? If so both will be in defensive mode and no progress will happen. Heels dig in as a natural response to a feeling of blame.

OK if it was me? I would acknowledge to him that I had some part in this too. That I may have said things or done things which hindered rather than helped the situation. As I say, in any relationship, neither party is 100% right, but if both think they are, or at least take that angle with the other, the other person digs the heels in. Admitting that you're not 100% right, gives the other person space to acknowledge that they may be 40% wrong. Think of it as emotional judo. If you bend with the force, it takes the sting out of it. This is difficult for most to do, hence these things go bad rather than get sorted. It's worth trying though.

Try to keep the emotions at a low level. I know that may be difficult considering, but a lot of men will instantly shut down real dialogue if the tears flow or the voice is raised. If he's one of those men, it's not a wrong way to be, it's not a "fault" in his wiring it's just a different way to think and process things. Again acknowledge that and go with it. Don't attack or blame at this stage. Hiding to nothing. Yes you may get short term gratification, but it'll be another nail in the coffin relatinship wise.

Again IMHO, the financial situation is exposing cracks in both your personalities and the marriage itself. It can be a terrible strain on any marriage. In this dialogue that you can hopefully both establish, see is there any way to moderate that financial burden. A way that you can both work at together.

Now I completely understand that even if you are open with him, non confrontational and acknowledging your own failings in this relationship, he may not reciprocate. He may even push you harder. OK in that case after all avenues are exhausted, then I would be thinking of moving on in your life without him as a husband(but not as a father to your children of course).

Even so, if you make this effort, you can at least move forward knowing you tried everything.

My 2 cents and good luck to you both.
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21-04-2009, 10:07   #14
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Your relationship sounds like a battle rather than partnership. In a battle you can't forgive the hurts the other person gives you, and you can't accept responsiblity for the hurts you've given out. If it continues like this it will collapse in a very distructive way.

I know I wish my own parents had split up when I was a kid. I used to pray for it, wish for it. They did it long after I was grown up and gone, but my brothers and I have had to deal with fall-out of growing up with people who were stuck in a warped semi-love semi-hate relationship, which has made our own relationships difficult. Children re-create their childhoods, it's learned behaviour. You do not want this to happen with your children. You want them to know that they don't have to stay with a man/woman that makes them unhappy. That they can change their lives for the better if the present isn't cutting it.

You are the only person who can decide if things are this bad. Either way, you need to talk to each other and try to resolve your issues. This means admitting when you were wrong, and forgiving the other person. You need to forgive him. If you can't do this without *blaming* each other then see a counsellor. See a counsellor anyway, if you can't ring the samaritans - you need to talk about your problems and if you can't do it with a friend do it this way. That way your kids will learn how to communicate in order to resolve problems. Something that will stand to them in all walks of life.

Whatever you do, you need to do something, because you aren't showing a united family front as you think, - you say you've changed so much that your friends have actually noticed this, despite you not telling them about any problems. They're probably there waiting in wings to help you, but they can't do this until you help yourself and reach out to them.

Good luck.

Last edited by mardybum; 21-04-2009 at 10:14.
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21-04-2009, 10:42   #15
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OP here. I haven't taken any "kneejerk" reaction to leave him/throw him out or anything like that at all. It's the last resort, I don't want to break up my family, and I am not selfish in saying that sharing custody of my kids would kill me, it's being honest, it would. I also don't appreciate comments about it's okay for a woman to just do it, do you think women just think we can throw our husbands out, keep the house & kids that easily and do we really want to do that to our children??. I am not like that and not stupid. I also know we are both responsible for the financial crap that happened, and it's unfair for some of you to doubt it, maybe if you went through this you would understand, before any of this happened to me and I am not financially stupid, I would have been stunned. The DD's were not called and our bank said they were activated but not called by the orginator, so we ended up a few months behind but paid it back as well as our own bank backing up that it was not called.
Also, none of our parents were guarentors on any loans, it was money owed to the Revenue and the Sheriff called to our parents houses looking for the money and was adament that if it wasn't paid back the debt would be set against their address. The accountants he had messed him up & I didn't know about it and never did any of his returns etc, eventhough he always sent them the relevent info. Those accountants are no longer in practice by the way!.
We got on a bit better last night, but this happens all the time. We don't fight in front of the kids, it has happened twice and we were so upset about it. The kids are very happy, love their parents and love their home and life and I don't want that upset.

I am not the type to moan or tell people what is going on in my life, just incase things work out. As I said I told a friend once before and regretted it.

I just seem to carry the can for everything that's wrong and end up under severe stress sorting it all out. I also feel totally unappreciated and that he does things just to upset me, again last night there was a wash to go on that he had a problem with not being done. I had to do homework with the kids first and make their tea.
It's just a constant battle and I don't know what is going to happen next and I just want a normal life and for us to behave like a normal couple. I am only 31 and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life like this. I can't sleep properly either and I am so nervous all the time.
 
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