About a year ago I went through a very tough time with regards to my health. At the time I was so happy with my life; boyfriend I loved, good circle of friends from both college and home, good level of academia, doing well in work etc. I felt at that time that I was truly happy with my lot. I was fun, outgoing, optimistic and passionate about all aspects of my life.
Then I was struck with a serious ish illness (meningitis) and my whole world as I knew and loved it ended. I didn't take stock of just how serious my illness was and adopted a very foolhardy attitude towards it. I didn't fully appreciate how its after effects would impact my life. Two weeks after I was discharged from hospital my boyfriend dumped me unceremoniously on a random weeknight. I was devasted. We had a past history, spanning several years, of friendship and he was without doubt my best friend. I was absolutely heartbroken.
When this happened however my friends rallied around me and really showed their worth. They really helped me pick myself up and in such we bonded more than ever. Then I started back at my 2nd year in college and I felt that my former circle of friends had turned cold towards me. I didn't understand what had happened or what was wrong with them and put it down to my illness. Soon the after effects of the illness got the better of me and my concentration levels fell. I found it almost impossible to pay attention in lectures and even understand what the lecturer was even talking about. Soon my attendence in college began to wane.
Approaching December I became what I would describe as slightly blue. I had lost all my optimism and sociability. My circle of home friends was what I lived for. I spent practically all my time with them. My attendence at lectures was now probably about 40% per week. I began to feel ill again and expressed my worries to my GP who felt I was more than likely just feeling the effects of the cold winter and come spring I would be fine once again. At this time my home life began to spiral downward. My brother was making life for the rest of us absolute hell and we all were suffering. I became very very anxious and nervous and split my time 50/50 between staying out with my real life friends and talking to my internet friends.
After a quiet Christmas I fell violently ill and was hospitalised with enkephalitis in January. I felt warped, totally drained. On my discharge from hospital I felt quite down. I was crying almost hourly, mainly feeling like I was trapped. During my stay in hospital my mother had a falling out with me and some members of my extended family. I felt that she had turned the situation from me being ill to her. She visited me in hospital once during my 13 day stay, while some of my friends visited EVERY day and my father EVERY day. I was very bitter towards my mother. Childish as it was. I felt like she made it into a big deal, when it should have been calm and ordered.
The next few months were very hard. I began to close up more than ever. My attendance at college dropped to zero. I began to despise my colleagues, I felt like they had abandoned me when I needed them. I hated my home life, mainly due to the tension caused by my brother. It all came to head a cousins 18th when I completely broke down in private to another cousin. I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The next day however the cousin acted like I had said nothing and began to lessen our contact. A few weeks later, a petty arguement with my brother over setting up a PC in the living room caused tension in the house and my mother threw me out of the house. Not knowing what to do I went to my aunt. At first I thought things would be ok but once again I was wrong. My mother had another "moment" and tried to convince my family that I was trying to "cause her mental harm". I was crushed. I knew that we were all going through a hard time with my brother but I didn't understand why my mum was acting like she was. In the end I returned home on the advice of my aunt as to not upset my mother any further.
Come the summer I was doing ok. I was distancing myself from my family and spending increasing amounts of time with my friends. It was around this time I met my boyfriend and it really seemed like my life was getting back on track. Following an argument about accommodation arrangements for a holiday, I began to see less and less of my friends save for 2 close friends. I spent my time going to Dublin (boyfriend from Dub) and spending time with 2 close friends. However I also started feeling depressed. I began contemplating my life and started to think that the only way out of my situation was to end it all. I genuinely began to consider suicide. I decided that I was probably best talking to someone about it so I told my mother. It didn't go well and she said that I was using depression as an excuse to get out of my failures. I began to feel steadily worse and worse.
Everyday I woke up with a new idea as to how to end my existence, but when it came to crunch time I was too afraid. I was so cowardly I couldn't even kill myself when I wanted to. I received my exam results from college to see I'd failed 5 out of 7 modules. I was crushed once more. So here I am now. I have lost my friends, my career, my job, my happiness. The only person I live for is my boyfriend, the one person I am afraid to tell how bad I truly feel. It's hard to to explain it to him because when we I together I genuinely feel truly happy. It's in all other aspects of my life that I feel I am a shadow of who I was. I don't want loads of money or houses or any material things, I just want to be happy.
As far as seeing a doctor is concerned, I have. She has prescribed me with anti depressants.
I probably come across as a self centered idiot so I do apologise for my long winded tendency. I'm not even too sure what I aim to achieve by posting this, I really just needed to vent.