Should I tell my boyfriend I kissed someone else?

LegacyUser · 01-11-2006 3:47pm #1

I've been with my boyfriend for over three years and nothing like this has ever happened before. However, this weekend I was away on a college trip and ended up kissing another guy. We were both very drunk and it's not going to happen again, and I'm not blaming him at all because he didn't know I had a boyfriend. My problem is, do I tell my boyfriend or not? I know that he would tell me if something like that happened to him, but I can't help feeling that it is going to cause more damage than good. He already thinks I've gone off him, so something like this would not help at all, and I don't want to lose him because of a stupid drunken mistake. However, I hate keeping stuff from him. It's unlikely he'll find out from anyone else so if I didn't tell him he'd never know, but I feel so dishonest. What should I do?

neuro-praxis · 01-11-2006 4:21pm

And here comes another long thread with the same heated arguments. You are hoping people will let you off the hook for what you have done. Make your own decision. If you respect him, you know what that should be.

Ruu_Old · 01-11-2006 4:28pm

None of us can tell you what to do OP, make up your own mind. If you can live with it then all is well, if not then tell him and be honest. I'm sure he would be the same way with you.

kizzyr · 01-11-2006 4:31pm

FeelingGuilty wrote:

I've been with my boyfriend for over three years and nothing like this has ever happened before. However, this weekend I was away on a college trip and ended up kissing another guy. We were both very drunk and it's not going to happen again, and I'm not blaming him at all because he didn't know I had a boyfriend. My problem is, do I tell my boyfriend or not? I know that he would tell me if something like that happened to him, but I can't help feeling that it is going to cause more damage than good. He already thinks I've gone off him, so something like this would not help at all, and I don't want to lose him because of a stupid drunken mistake. However, I hate keeping stuff from him. It's unlikely he'll find out from anyone else so if I didn't tell him he'd never know, but I feel so dishonest. What should I do?

If it really was a one time thing as you say and was only a kiss then I would say don't tell and you are just going to have to deal with the guilt.
Drunk or not you are going to have to ask yourself how and why it happened. Is there something more going on in your relationship than you are willing to admit? Was kissing this other person a result? If not and you were just drunk and snogged someone else then drink less in future and don't do it again. Think how you'd feel if he did it to you.

silvine · 01-11-2006 4:39pm

Telling your boyfriend is ultimately a selfish act. You are trying to ease you own guilt and you will hurt him in the process. Live with the guilt and don't let it happen again. If it does maybe they're deeper relationship problems. Plus it was only a drunken mistake.

Jumpy · 01-11-2006 4:50pm

Dont tell him. As a guy I can honestly say I would never want to know.

On the other hand however, this weekend I ended up kissing a girl that had a boyfriend, I wasnt aware of this until after and I wasnt particularly happy about it. So an apology to the 'other' guy might be in order.

But no. Never tell your boyfriend. Just dont do it again.

NeiloMac · 01-11-2006 4:54pm

If i was your BF and you told me, that would be the end of the relationship, I respect my girlfriend and would not kiss or do the dirt on her and i expect the same respect from her,

If your going off on him after 3 years, then what does the future hold, you have started a slippery path, Drink is no excuse,

muppetkiller · 01-11-2006 5:00pm

Well If I was your boyfriend and you told me ..I'd dump you there and then.
You've broken the trust in the relationship.
So up to you really....
I'm interested in the "He already thinks I've gone off him" line...why is that ?
Cas you go away and snog other guys at weekends maybe?
Grow up

LegacyUser · 01-11-2006 5:02pm

Are you sure it wont happen again?

Well, to put it in context, 3 years is a long time to throw something away. You are going to open a whole can of worms.

I was going out with a guy for a few months and wasnt very happy. I ended up kissing a guy. I told him about what happened. Ok, we were only new going out, but it did open a whole can of worms.

We are still together this day but the very very odd time, it still makes him paranoid. Do I regret telling him? No. I didnt do it to ease my conscience. I did it because he deserved to know the truth. What kind of person I am and let him make his own decision.

But you wouldnt have done it in the first place if you were happy and by your own admission, he thinks you have gone off him. What is wrong with you anyway?

Mrs_Doyle · 01-11-2006 5:13pm

I don't think I would tell him, but I cant say for sure as I haven't been in your situation.

A couple of weeks ago my brother kissed a girl in a nightclub, I was there, and when he realised i saw him he got all weird and emotional and stormed out.

He has been going with his GF for almost 4 years.

Now, I certainly wasn't going to tell her, and he knew that, but he kept saying that he had to tell her, and that he shouldn't have done it, she had a right to know and make up her own mind about whether she wanted to stay with him etc, etc.

I actually tried to put him off telling her, said that If my BF rang me at some crazy hour of the morning to tell me he had snogged someone else in my absence, that would most likely be the end of us.

Anyhow, there was no stopping him, and he called her when we got home, at about 3.30am.

Amazingly, there was no shouting or crying, and the next day she came to meet him in town, they hugged for ages, and have seemed to be even closer ever since.

I guess its a case of each to their own, you just have to do whats right for you.

upthere · 01-11-2006 5:17pm

FeelingGuilty wrote:

I've been with my boyfriend for over three years and nothing like this has ever happened before. However, this weekend I was away on a college trip and ended up kissing another guy. We were both very drunk and it's not going to happen again, and I'm not blaming him at all because he didn't know I had a boyfriend. My problem is, do I tell my boyfriend or not? I know that he would tell me if something like that happened to him, but I can't help feeling that it is going to cause more damage than good. He already thinks I've gone off him, so something like this would not help at all, and I don't want to lose him because of a stupid drunken mistake. However, I hate keeping stuff from him. It's unlikely he'll find out from anyone else so if I didn't tell him he'd never know, but I feel so dishonest. What should I do?

Plain and simple, you should come clean. Be honest with yourself on whethere or not you wanna stay with him, and if he gets the impression you are gone off him he is probably right, that's why you mentioned it. Do you think you are gone off him or do you have to ask him what he thinks so you can decide?. You are better off as mates in my opinion, dont mess with a lads head!!

upthere · 01-11-2006 5:19pm

Snogging other guys behind is back and keeping it to himself is a sign of a very weak character.

goose06 · 01-11-2006 5:21pm

I am going out with a girl a similar length of time and I would want to be told I would expect it as a courtsey and allow us to make the decision together on how to deal with it.

Miss Fluff · 01-11-2006 5:23pm

silvine wrote:

Telling your boyfriend is ultimately a selfish act. You are trying to ease you own guilt and you will hurt him in the process. Live with the guilt and don't let it happen again. If it does maybe they're deeper relationship problems. Plus it was only a drunken mistake.

Agree with everything said here. If it was a mistake, mistakes happen. If you see a future in the relationship and love your BF then no point in hurting him by telling imo.

Interesting however that you mention in your post OP that your boyfriend is already of the opinion that you are going off him. If you could do it again and not get caught, would you?

james123 · 01-11-2006 5:27pm

honesty is the best policy, I would tell him straight away, It will come out in the end from somewhere believe me. Worse things have happened if it was a mistake the two of you will get over it.

Jumpy · 01-11-2006 5:34pm

james123 wrote:

honesty is the best policy, I would tell him straight away, It will come out in the end from somewhere believe me. Worse things have happened if it was a mistake the two of you will get over it.

Under no circumstances do this. It will destroy the relationship.

connundrum · 01-11-2006 5:34pm

FeelingGuilty wrote:

He already thinks I've gone off him, so something like this would not help at all

Are you gone off him? If he thinks that you are.. and then you go off and 'drunkenly' snog someone else, then you really have to decid if you haven't actually gone off him.

Are you sure that you're not trying to hang onto a relationship because you may be afraid of being single? I would agree with another poster who asked if this will deffo be the last time.. can you honestly answer that?

Basically, if you've gone off your bf and wanna snog other fellas then do that, but don't drag him along through it. If you haven't gone off him and don't wanna snog anyone else, then say nothing and actually work on your relationship.

Mrs_Doyle · 01-11-2006 5:40pm

connundrum wrote:

If you haven't gone off him and don't wanna snog anyone else, then say nothing and actually work on your relationship.

Agreed, and actually, the fact that your feeling so cut up about it is probably a good sign.
I kissed someone else when going out with my ex and I can honestly say I felt no remorse what so ever - the relationship was dead in the water at that stage, so I guess if you really wanted out, you would be PI-ing about how to end it, instead of asking for advice on whether to tell him you kissed someone else/

Jumpy · 01-11-2006 6:04pm

Ya know. I wouldnt be surprised if she was the same person. Too much weird stuff is going on lately.

LegacyUser · 01-11-2006 6:05pm

If you were my girlfriend I'd expect you to tell me and although I'd be very upset it would I would consider it a good sign that you mustered up the courage to come and tell me. I think a relationship is based on trust and if you don't tell him it's building a relationship on lies.

chamlis · 01-11-2006 6:06pm

If you tell him, there is a very good chance (given what you told us) that that will be the end of the relationship. If it doesn't end straight away, then it'll just die a slow and bitter death.
If that is a big deal to you, then don't tell him. Ever.

Even if you ARE fed up with the relationship and want to end it, you still don't have to tell him now. Keep something to throw in his face when the day comes.

LegacyUser · 01-11-2006 6:42pm

Miss Fluff wrote:

Agree with everything said here. If it was a mistake, mistakes happen. If you see a future in the relationship and love your BF then no point in hurting him by telling imo.

Mistake? Huh? I'm not even sure where to begin with this statement.
Did she mistaken him for her boyfriend - maybe they look the same? Did she turn the wrong way and just happen to make contact with that other guy's lips? She did not make a mistake she made a decision to kiss this guy.

Drink is never an excuse for cheating on someone unless you are passed out and then it becomes an assault.

I don't think it would be much of a relationship if you would cheat then lie about it.

IF YOU RESPECT YOUR BOYFRIEND THEN TELL HIM!

LundiMardi · 01-11-2006 7:38pm

Just tell him, you ****ed up, let him be the judge, he may not like it but he'll be gratefull in the long run that you told him rather than leading him on and making him look like a dumbass.

Telling him is not the selfish act, kissing someone else is.

LegacyUser · 01-11-2006 8:54pm

I my girlfriend told me she had snogged a guy I'd assume she was using it as an excuse to breakup.

LegacyUser · 02-11-2006 12:31am

This really isn't black and white (that being the problem I guess). If you tell him now, it's definitely going to shake him. If he's already feeling insecure, there's a good chance it could end your relationship. I'm guessing from the impression you give that if you don't tell him you'll never feel comfortable in the relationship again. And sooner or later that will manifest destructively in one way or another.

If I was in either your position or his right now, I would think the best kind of approach would be for you to try to fix the existing problem before you tackle this new one you've created. If you confess a month or two down the line after you've managed to make him feel more secure in your relationship, it will be easier for him to take. And it will increase your chances of not losing him.

dudara · 02-11-2006 12:46am

It's easy to say that you should tell him. However, relationships aren't always black and white, or cut and dried. Each is different. What you do depends on your feelings now.

1. You feel guilty, but want to work on things with your boyfriend. You're worried that he thinks things are declining as it is. Therefore, what happened is water under the bridge, learn your lesson from it and move on. Don't drag something trivial up and let it possibly ruin things.

2. You don't feel guilty and maybe perhaps feel that the fact you did this means that the relationship has run it's natural course. If this is the case, then end it decently.

However, you need to make the decision. I think that, given the situation that you've described, I wouldn't tell him. To some posters here, that might sound terrible, but I think of it in terms of looking at the bigger picture.

Black Swan · 02-11-2006 3:44am

Remember the second Matrix film? The Frenchman's g/f just wanted a kiss from Neo in exchange for the Keymaker (while Trinity wanted to blow her brains out for wanting to kiss her b/f)? So, is your b/f like Trinity, or like the rest of us who will laugh at the exaggeration of a kiss? Only you know your b/f. Will it just be a kiss or a kiss off for him? Decide accordingly.

mountainyman · 02-11-2006 10:34am

FeelingGuilty wrote:

...I don't want to lose him because of a stupid drunken mistake. However, I hate keeping stuff from him. It's unlikely he'll find out from anyone else so if I didn't tell him he'd never know, but I feel so dishonest. What should I do?

Don't tell him and live with the feeling of dishonesty.
If you really mean 'kiss' then who cares.

MM

Dustaz · 02-11-2006 11:59am

If hes never going to find out and you only snogged this other guy and it will never happen again, Dont tell him and live with the guilt. It will fade.

Funny how the replies to this thread are almost exactly opposite to the exact same thread featuring a bloke a few months ago.

Just love double standards.

silvine · 02-11-2006 12:14pm

chamlis wrote:

If you tell him, there is a very good chance (given what you told us) that that will be the end of the relationship. If it doesn't end straight away, then it'll just die a slow and bitter death.
If that is a big deal to you, then don't tell him. Ever.

Even if you ARE fed up with the relationship and want to end it, you still don't have to tell him now. Keep something to throw in his face when the day comes.

Are you for real? That is an incredibly bitter and twisted statement to make. For shame.

LegacyUser · 02-11-2006 2:51pm

Tryptophan wrote:

If I was in either your position or his right now, I would think the best kind of approach would be for you to try to fix the existing problem before you tackle this new one you've created. If you confess a month or two down the line after you've managed to make him feel more secure in your relationship, it will be easier for him to take. And it will increase your chances of not losing him.

I highly disagree. The longer you leave between when you kiss the other guy and the telling your boyfriend the worse it will get and the harder it will be for him to take. He will begin to wonder was there more you decided not to tell him straight away that will pop up again after a while.

If my girlfriend did what you did, I would want to know straight away. If you left it two months before telling me then I would be thinking - why did she wait 2 months before telling me? Was she considering not telling me at all? Is it just her own guilty feeling that got the better of her? that reason is a selfish reason. You should be telling your boyfriend out of respect for him.

You should think of your boyfriend not you.

YOU CANNOT DECIDE FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND. YOU MUST TELL HIM AND LET HIM DECIDE FOR HIMSELF!

Then again, if you have no respect for your boyfriend then you should just break up.

whiskeyman · 02-11-2006 3:53pm

If my g/f did this, and it was just a drunken one off snog, I probably wouldn't want her to tell me., as I know I'd probably break it off.
I'm sure it'd be the same other way around.
If it was something more (they slept together), the relationship is finished and that shouldn't be hid behind.
Sometime a kiss can just be a kiss, with the wrong person at the wrong time. If you do it once, you should realise you're wrong and be lucky for what you already have. If you do it again, it's finished.
This may be the only case where a lie is the best form of truth for you both.

ianmc38 · 02-11-2006 5:50pm

Meh. If it was a kiss that meant nothing then keeping quiet is probably better. If it was something that came as a result of boredom/other relationship factors then sorting it out immediately is better for both your sakes.

Tar.Aldarion · 02-11-2006 6:05pm

This is a hard one, that is all.

LegacyUser · 02-11-2006 7:46pm

three words: menage et trois

kizzyr · 02-11-2006 8:55pm

whiskeyman wrote:

If my g/f did this, and it was just a drunken one off snog, I probably wouldn't want her to tell me., as I know I'd probably break it off.
I'm sure it'd be the same other way around.
If it was something more (they slept together), the relationship is finished and that shouldn't be hid behind.
Sometime a kiss can just be a kiss, with the wrong person at the wrong time. If you do it once, you should realise you're wrong and be lucky for what you already have. If you do it again, it's finished.
This may be the only case where a lie is the best form of truth for you both.

You speak the truth my friend, and as you suggested if my boyfriend had a once off drunken kiss that really and truly meant nothing I would be happier not knowing. If he did chose to ease his own guilt by telling me I know that I would either break up with him there and then or the thought of it would drive me mad and in the future every time he went out with the lads, or from work etc this would always be at the front of my mind and in the end we'd break up that way.

Should I tell my boyfriend I kissed someone else?

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