Advice: I think my bro is gay

LegacyUser · 21-03-2006 4:57am #1

Hi guys, unreg for this but I sometimes post regged to PI and other forums.
tonight i was innocently searching for a file on the family comp, came across some gay porn. i know a good bit about computers, so i had a look around,
at this stage i'm quite sure of this, my bro's been looking at gay porn for a couple of years, (hes in his early 20s, and im his big bro) and he's using dating sites.

Im open minded, have gay friends so its not really a problem for me, but, i think i should approach him, not sure how.

the thing is that we're not that close, he's aggressive and obnoxious, he works in a quite manly (and i would say homophobic) job, hes into sport, seems like a real lad, not typically gay as i'd expect. He'd be the hard man of the family anyway.
and also, the only evidence i have is files and internet history (i hate to invade his privacy like that, im just concerned)
I would never have guessed this otherwise, but at the same time, i dont know him well.
Ive never met any girlfriends of his although i've heard he had some, but ive never asked him about it.

Anyone have any opinions or advice?

Nevyn · 21-03-2006 10:33am

Why do you think you brother needs help ?

Hmm_Messiah · 21-03-2006 10:49am

I don't think he actually said his brother needed help.

I'm guessing that he thinks this is something he wants to tell his brother "is ok".

Its a difficult situation: I made significant discoveries about a partner because of files on my pc. It was impossible to really deal with the issues they brought up because of this initial barrier of "you should not of read them etc" (despite being on my pc, and being things he should 100% definitely of told me himself)

The brother is gonna get in difficulty somewhere down the line if he can't delete/hide files on a family pc. Also maybe something a bit disrespectful of others using a pc to leave porn on it ?

Maybe you could just say to him something like "you best be careful what stuff you leave on the pc in case mum/dad(whoever) stumbles on it - like I did" No reference to porn, no reference to gay sites etc.

loads of people look at that stuff out of curiosity so definitely doesn't mean he is gay, or if he is, that he's ready to "be gay"

At same time it would be nice if he didn't feel this had to be some secret (his sexuality). Hard to know how to make that easy for him in the relationship you describe (though I guess its possible some of his being obnoxious might be caused by going though a shltty time internally)

I'd not feel too bad about going this stuff, curiosity is natural, once it wasn't a case of going thro obviously private correspondence etc.

LegacyUser · 21-03-2006 6:02pm

Thaedydal wrote:

Why do you think you brother needs help ?

I'm the big brother, I need help.

Boston · 21-03-2006 8:59pm

I know people who have been down this road of getting caught with gay porn. Confronting them about it just doesn't work. It's just going to be incredibly embarrassing for both of you, and probably drive you further apart, at least In the short term. if you feel you have to confront him about his sexuality, then I wouldn't advise mentioning the porn. surely there are other signs, like despite all the talk, nothing really being there on the "lady friend" front. My brother felt I wasn't straight long before I realised it. I can't imagine how badly it would have gone between us, if he had challenged me about it before I was ready. I can understand why you feel the need to though, his personality problems and distance could be directly linked it him bottling up his sexuality. But if he's not ready to accept who he is, confronting his with undeniable evidence, may well shatter what ever world he lives in. Walk shortly on this one.

Earlgrey · 21-03-2006 9:44pm

From what you've said, there's a strong inference that your brother has been into these sites, but no hard evidence. Could it have been anyone else? Do any other males use the computer?

Even if it is your brother, I agree that there's nothing to be gained by confronting him. I suggest that you make it clear when opportunities arise (don't manufacture them) that anyone being gay, including within the family, is not an issue for you, and give him time to trust you. Perhaps work on the sibling relationship, bearing in mind that he may be going through some real difficulties. A lot of beneifts might flow from that.

Good luck, to both of you.

LegacyUser · 22-03-2006 5:49am

Thanks for the advice.

My initial instinct has been to tell him i innocently came across some things on the computer and is there anything he wants to tell me about? i would tell him that im not going to make a big deal about it, ill keep it to myself and just be there to listen to anything he wants to tell me.

theres some issues i have with "just say nothing",
i had some past experience with a friend who was gay but had difficulty dealing with it, he spoke to no-one about it, ultimately he came out badly, was caught with illegal material, and lost a lot of his friends (including me), and ended up in court.
I'm concerned that just keeping it to myself could lead to something bad (not as bad as my aforementioned friend, but its just something on my mind, its not an experience id care to repeat)

also, someone asked about raising the issue of his sexuality based on other clues, and the thing is that there are none. He's a tough guy, one of the lads, ive even heard him make homophobic remarks. people would assume im gay before they would him. but that said, i doubt that the material belongs to anyone else in the family.

i dont know, i'll have to try softly softly anyway

Hmm_Messiah · 22-03-2006 10:37am

If you do decide to bring up the subject you could always mention the story you just told....

"I could be totally on the wrong track etc etc...and don't want to plss you off.... the main reason I'm saying something is because a while back a mate of mine etc........... and I don't ever want you to think anything you ever told me would bother me....I'm your Big Bro after all"

We me the roles were reversed to some extent. My big brother was/is totally obnoxious, a very difficult person to get on with (hehe my family want to nomiate his wife for sainthood) but with the big revelation that JP was my boyfriend a strange thing happened. We didn't really get on better exactly, but there was this subtle co-operation when i needed help with stuff, when before it wouldn't be offered because i'd decline it. Eg he collected the guy one Xmas Eve 60 miles away etc.

anyways I guess one way to look at things is try as much as you can to imagine "in the long run" what you think you'd prefer if situations reversed. And you don't have to even mention the porn, I am guessing he was in chatrooms like gaydar etc.

Final thought :(like I said I'd the experience of sensitive stuff on a pc) Depending on file type etc its possible your brother knows some one else has opened up stuff (time last opened, history etc) and it might be a relief of sorts knowing it was you not some one else.

BuffyBot · 22-03-2006 12:11pm

at this stage i'm quite sure of this, my bro's been looking at gay porn for a couple of years, (hes in his early 20s, and im his big bro) and he's using dating sites.

While it's unfortunate that he left stuff on the PC, and none too wise, he is in his 20's and what he chooses to do, and watch, is pretty much his business.

Im open minded, have gay friends so its not really a problem for me, but, i think i should approach him, not sure how.

Maybe not approaching him is an option you need to consider. For all you know he is curious. There are plenty of people out there who look at material, and visit websites with no more than an intention to watch, or explore fantasies. He might not feel he has anything to "come out" about.

the thing is that we're not that close, he's aggressive and obnoxious, he works in a quite manly (and i would say homophobic) job, hes into sport, seems like a real lad, not typically gay as i'd expect.

I'm not sure how the poor guy is supposed to be "typically gay"

There isn't really such a thing as "typically gay", a concept that strikes fear into the hearts of many a person - possibly including your brother.

My initial instinct has been to tell him i innocently came across some things on the computer and is there anything he wants to tell me about? i would tell him that im not going to make a big deal about it, ill keep it to myself and just be there to listen to anything he wants to tell me.

It seems that he is unlikely to open up like that, especially when by your own admission that your relationship is "not that close". Manufacturing a scenario like that isn't going to help.

theres some issues i have with "just say nothing",
i had some past experience with a friend who was gay but had difficulty dealing with it, he spoke to no-one about it, ultimately he came out badly, was caught with illegal material, and lost a lot of his friends (including me), and ended up in court. I'm concerned that just keeping it to myself could lead to something bad (not as bad as my aforementioned friend, but its just something on my mind, its not an experience id care to repeat)

You shouldn't be assume anything like your past experience with your friend comes close to your brothers situation. That's being really unfair to him.

Untense · 27-03-2006 1:28pm

You obviously care for your brother so just let him know that, but leave him to sort things out for himself.

My older sister found links to gay porn on our family computer when I was about 14. I nearly died with embarrassment, I could barely look at her for days!

It's funny now when I think about it but at the time I was too insecure in myself to even say "I am gay" aloud, never mind have my sister ask me. I always thought she just had the sense not to put me on the spot but later she told me it was my brother she suspected was the one looking up gay websites.

You can leave your brother to sort his personal issues out himself and still be there for him. Just let him know you love him and you're there if he wants to talk, regardless of what it's about. And definitely suggest he be a bit more discrete with the cookies!

Boston · 27-03-2006 1:39pm

Theres probably an element of not wanting someone you care about going through a hard time alone, when theres no need for them to be alone, yea know? Is the dude likely to remember the embrassment and shame longer then he'll remember his borther stepped up and tried to be there for him. Thats the question you answer that, then you know what to do

Hmm_Messiah · 27-03-2006 2:30pm

what Liouville said.

(I can be brief)

Untense · 28-03-2006 1:24am

LiouVille wrote:

Theres probably an element of not wanting someone you care about going through a hard time alone, when theres no need for them to be alone, yea know?

Yea, I see that. I was just offering the other side of things, perhaps his younger brother would prefer to do things alone? It's the way I preferred it, but that's from my own experience.

Boston · 28-03-2006 1:31am

Really? I have to say the crapest part about this whole game for me, is keeping it from people. It's the part that really eats at me.

damien · 28-03-2006 11:46pm

How about saying "Hey little bro, when finished looking at your gay porn, click here, here and here to delete the history, if you don't want people knowing your business." and leave it at that but then add "And if you ever want to talk about anything, you know where I am."

Hmm_Messiah · 29-03-2006 11:26am

where , where and where exactly would I click ?

btw. joking

Advice: I think my bro is gay

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