Continue this tale in a similar stylee...

Bard · 27-11-2000 10:55am #1

Another one of those experimental "I write a bit, you write a bit, he writes a bit, she writes a bit, it goes completely off at a crazy tangent and makes a brilliant read... eventually" type things... give it a shot... gwan..!

What follows is the beginning - an opening part which I knocked together in 10 - 15 mins.

Once upon a time in a completely ridiculous kingdom, there lived a completely ridiculous king and his utterly ludicrous family. The people of the land were in a constant state of confusion and disarray, but were generally happy. On this particular morning, the sun seemed to be making an extra hard effort to shine, as if just to annoy the people below, the clouds weren't bothered floating into place over the kingdom and the rain had decided not to appear, and it was on the afternoon of this particularly sunny day that the beautiful daughter of the good king Pha'Tarse was due to be married to the ugliest, albeit richest son-of-a-goat in the tri-kingdom area. So begins our story.

Princess Breasts lay in a pathetic state on the floor of her bedroom muttering obscenities to herself under her breath and suffering an almighty throbbing headache, - which was just part of the major hangover she had. For a moment, she wondered "Why ME?!!" ... and then remembered the 17 vodka and red bulls, 6 Aftershocks and 3 pints of Guinness Extra Cold she'd slurped down at her hen night the night before. The benefits of being the daughter of the king apparently didn't extend to having full access to the court magicians array of hangover cures. "Bollicks", she muttered to herself, in her curiously Dublin-esque accent.

The room had decided to spin around her. She felt like she was strapped to the floor on one of those fairground rides where you're supposed to be strapped to the wall inside an oversized biscuit tin which whirls at high speed on its axis. Dizziness overcame her as the room continued spinning. Round and round it span... round... round... round.

Suddenly it stopped, and she went flying out the window, landing in one of her fathers apple trees.

Winded and out of breath, she had all sorts of thoughts flying through her head ... but all she could utter was once again... "Bollicks". Looking down, she noticed Sir Prancealot, one of the royal knights, sitting on his horse, looking up at her, curiously.

NEXT..........! (someone take over!)

...oh, and what do yiz think?

plastic membrane · 28-11-2000 4:05am

The Princess got to her feet, jubblies shaking like jelly on the stomach of a fatman with electrodes strapped to his gonads. She looked down, saw the Prince and immediately vomited up the contents of her stomach. By C hrist she though, what an ugly sod. After she had deposited said contents of stomach on the face of her trusty butler, Keanu, who was unfortunate enough to be standing below ,she asked why Prancelot wasnt in the process of rescuing her,

"Oi, Pus-Face, give us a hand, you piece of Dung Beatle bum fluff"

Prancelot looked up at her, decided to completely ignore her, and trotted off on his trusty white steed, Cocaine. Prancealot had other, weightier matters on his mind. His mission lay ahead of him, his QUEST (cue over the top music)TO FIND..THE GANGRENOUS LEG OF TOM EXTRAPOLIATION!!!!!!Meanwhile, the princess puked up again, much to the annoyance of the already puke-stained Keanu...

Im going to the bear fights tomorrow, want to come with ??

[This message has been edited by plastic membrane (edited 30-11-2000).]

Shiminay · 28-11-2000 2:01pm

Meanwhile, in a dark, dank cave deep within the Really, REALLY Dark Green, but not quite Black Forest of Really, REALLY Dark Green Trees, Eugene Extrapolation - last known decendant of Tom murmered a quite prayer to THE LEG.

Suddenly, as if electrocuted, Eugene jumped up and roared obscenities at the sharp pointy rock he'd decided to sit on.

"Cunderin' Thunt of a bastirdin thing - ya have the arshe of me trowsers ripped!"

All went quiet and a strange smell - worse than usual began to emminate from THE LEG. The green puss-filled sores expanted and contracted as THE LEG began to breathe. Stumbling over the afore mentioned rock (and swearing again), Eugene began to back away (as the smell was pretty foul at this stage).

Without warning, one of the sores exploded and the contents coated the walls surrounding the shrine. The puss burned a message into the wall of the cave which Eugene examined.

"Jaysus, I wish I could read. T'would be fierce handy for a time like this."

And so he headed off to the nearby stream to clean all the green skank of himself. THE LEG looks on disapprovingly wishing it had taken to time to teach it's family how to read when it was still stuck on to a body...

All the best,

[This message has been edited by Kharn (edited 28-11-2000).]

Doc · 28-11-2000 4:32pm

As Eugene approached the steam he noticed a large crowed had gathered a the designated witch burning area of the REALLY Dark Green, but not quite Black Forest of Really, REALLY Dark Green Trees. Not being one to miss a good burning Eugene still dripping with puss trundled on over. Goodie Wickerbasket you have been accused of turning young Ned the trollops son into a smoked haddock and of eating not only Goodie Wishbone but her 13 children her Dog spot and its 6 puppy’s!……..

plastic membrane · 30-11-2000 3:06am

...the head spokesperson fot the rabbling throng, thirsty for the blood of wicca, continued on like this in a similar vein, until she started talking about how she was turned into a newt. With that, 33 high priced lawyers representing the makers of a certain film with people having been turned into newts in it appeared on the scene and took the spokesperson away to be sued for copyright infringement.
Impetus gone, the rabble turned and walked away, dissillusioned with life, death, Monthy Python and burning people alive in feiry agony and torment. Eugene wiped seeping slop from his eyes and gazed upon the coutenence of the accused witch. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, but Eugene was no real expert on the subject of beautiful things, seeing as how the last thing he had said was beautiful was the carcass of his pet armadillo, Timmy. The witch, Goodie, looked deeply, terrifyingly into his eyes and spoke the words that Eugene had prayed never to hear :

"Puunak, Puunak is coming.."

oh bugger, thought Eugene...

Im going to the bear fights tomorrow, want to come with ??

Paladin · 30-11-2000 3:43am

Eugene thought back to the day his great grandfather had lost his leg. What a wonderous tale he thought to himself.
"Hey!" exclaimed Eugene.
"FU<K OFF READING MY THOUGHTS!"
"Sorry" I replied and decided to let the normal (and more discreet) 3rd person omniscient narrator take over.

The tale begins on a bright sunny day in the Land of Reverse Osmosis, which was full of 'Ozzies' as they are known.
Tom Extrapolation was carrying out his usual duties as a Police man, collecting the weekly bribes from the syndicates, beating up people that looked ugly etc.
Nothing could have prepared him for what happened next!!

Tom picked himself up off the ground after tripping in the pot-hole and said to himself
"Nothing could have prepared me for that".
Suddenly a man came running out of the local bank with a bag of money being chased by a bank clerk yelling
"Stop Thief"
(Its a point of note that thieves never do actually stop, except in Canada because they are all very very nice there)

Tom watched as the Thief jumped onto his horse righ next to where Tom was standing, and ride away.
"Why didnt you stop him?!?" exclaimed the bank clerk?!?
"Id rather let a thousand guilty men go than chase after them" was the reply.

All of a sudden it started to rain.
The ground opened up and water flowed from the underground rivers into the sky (This was the Land of Reverse Osmosis after all).

The craters that opened didnt simply allow the water escape into the sky. It had opened up the ancient burrow of the Killimonga Platypus, the most feared and hated creature the world had ever seen! The Platypus stepped out of his burrow.

Standing almost 8 inches tall and close to three feet in length, the Killimonga Platypus was a giant among platypus. For the first time in his life Tom felt real fear. Not that second rate fear you feel watching a scary movie, or that fear you have when your girlfriend asks you if you think she looks fat (and she is a tub of lard and u hate lieing).
No. This was the kind of fear that makes your mouth dry up. Toms mouth was now dry. Yes. Dry it was. Bone dry. Not wet at all. All the saliva had dried up. No hint of wetness remained in Toms mouth. Drier than a nuns nasty was his mouth. About as wet as an arabs fart. Yes his mouth was dry. Indeed. Dry was his..
*BLAM!*

************************************************
Your narrator has malfunctioned. He has been upgraded to "Omniscient 3rd person Narrator v1.01"
************************************************

*Ahem*
Yes Tom felt fear in his belly as he wiped the pools of drool flowing from his mouth.
This platypus had been woken up early, and he was p1ssed! Tom had only one option left...

Tom tore off his leg, shouted "FETCH" and threw the leg off a cliff. The platypus tore after the leg, catching it mid air halfway down the cliff and jammed his poison spur into the leg. This platypus' poison had special powers however! Secret special powers! The finder and keeper of the leg from that day forth had the power of spontanaeous reverse osmosis.
And thats how Toms leg became 'special'.

Back to the present:

"Puunak, Puunak is coming.."

oh bugger, thought Eugene.

Puunak, the great great grandson of Cyril, the original Killimonga Platypus, sidled up to the crowd.
"Heh" thought Puunak to himself.
"These fools are only armed with pitchforks, rifles, bayonets, flamethrowers, Phalanx weapon systems and Tomohawk missiles. Ill take them, eeeeeeasy."

Just then Eugene fervently nobody was looking at him. He was feeling very embaressed and stupid as he took this distraction as an opportunity to pull up his fly, which had (quite hilariously to me being an omniscient narrator) been wide open the whole time.
Halfway through struggling to get his rusty zipper up, Eugene remembered "The Leg"!.....

[This message has been edited by Paladin (edited 30-11-2000).]

Doc · 30-11-2000 6:27pm

Whit a sudden jerk Eugene pulled the rusty zipper to the top and let out a blood-curdling scream. Whit surprising accuracy he had managed to catch himself half in half out. Running whit a noticeable wobble in his step Eugene made his way back to the smelly hole he loving he refereed to as home.
As he reached the entrance a man on a white horse confronted him. “Well Cocaine perhaps this vile little piece of recital excrement can help us on our QUEST (cue over the top music)TO FIND..THE GANGRENOUS LEG OF TOM EXTRAPOLIATION!!!!!!” said Prancelot whit a look of total destine toward Eugene who’s puss stains had now hardened on his face making him somewhat resemble a pineapple and cheese pizza someone just through up. "Bollicks" said Eugene and proceeded to run off in the opposite direction.

Shiminay · 30-11-2000 7:40pm

Puunack.

The Reciever.

Great great grandson of Cyril, the original Killimonga Platypus.

Prophet and High Priest of the Beefy King.

He observed the commotion out side the cave between Eugene and Prancelot.

"Right - time to take this foo out!" he thought ans he waddled towards Prancelot at an impressive 3 and 3/4 miles an hour.

Cocaine, being more than an ordinary decent white stallion, sensed (as only special white stallions of princes and knights can) the approaching 8" tall, 3' wide, danger.

"Bugger this for a game of Lords and Ladies. I'm off!"

With that, he galloped away leaving Prancelot stunned and confused.

That's when Puunack made his move...

All the best,

[This message has been edited by Kharn (edited 30-11-2000).]

Paladin · 30-11-2000 10:04pm

"Queens bishop to kings pawn".

Gary Kasparov, world chess grandmaster had found the platypus to be a clever opponent. His stratagem showed extreme guile.
"Quaaaa squaaaw!"
Gary stared in disbelief. Check mate. Beaten by the platypus.
Gary woke up sweating. That dream again! The platypus was back. Killimonga was in need of his help once more. He looked out his window, and sure enough, projected onto the night sky using a giant strobe light was the symbol of "The Knight".
(It was basically a shadow shape of a knight from chess, and was used to signal that the world needed Gary Kasparov's help - much like the bat shadow summoned Batman)

Gary quickly pulled on his edible Ethiopian underwear (dont ask) and dressed himself for battle (Calvin Klein belt buckle basically).
Three weeks later he was in the land of Reverse Osmosis when he came across a white horse, saddled up, running. Only one thing could have made this horse run away without its rider -(well two things if you count Westlife) THE PLATYPUS! (queue over the top den dun den! music).

Gary rushed to the area from which the horse had galloped. He came upon Puunak just about to launch his lethal assault!
Quickly Gary hit the timer to signal the start of his move.
Out of his pants he pulled a can of "Acme Platypus Repellant"

*PSSSSSSTTTTT*

No effect!

Things began to look grim for Gary Kasparov as he lay dead on the ground, fatally stabbed by the poison spur of the platypus. Gary hadnt expected to find a poison spur on the hind leg of the platypus. Nobody ever does!

Eugene saw what happened. He knew there was only one thing to do.....

Shiminay · 30-11-2000 10:18pm

"Keep fluffin' runnin'!" thought a frantic, but fast, Eugene.

Prancelot, who had taken the time to hide when Gary Kasparov had Puunack distracted, risked a peek from his hiding place under a strategicly placed light-shade only to see the Platypus waddling after Eugene.

"Phew! I thought I was a gonner!"

Suddenly, before you could yoddle "Scatman" in the style of Lulu, the dreaded Spur on the hind leg flashed before Prancelot's eyes.

"HAAHAA!! I knew about the Spur" said an arrogant, but glad-to-have-spotted-it-in-time Prancelot.

"But you didn't know about the Uzi?" was Puunack's retort.

"Bugger" gulped Prancelot...

All the best,

plastic membrane · 01-12-2000 4:58pm

Meanwhile, in a far off distant land where things made sense and where brown paper packages ties up with strings were favorite things, Maria Von Trapp looked up into the sky and saw the Knight signal (that was much like the Batsignal) in the sky. It could mean only one thing...somebody else's story was INVADING HER OWN !!!! Maria thought about doing something, but just as she was about to rush off and find her husband Baron Von Trapp (played with vigourous brilliance by Chuck Norris in his best role) 33 high priced lawyers came and took her away to sue her for copyright infringement. Back at the castle, Chuck Norris seethed. Someone would pay..yes, someone would pay..

Meanwhile The Princess Breast wondered if the story would ever get back to her at all...

It looked pretty bad for Prancelot, the hero of the story flombeyed into a thousand tiny pieces by a platypus with rabies (probably) before the story got out of its first chapter. Eugene, the keeper of the precious (cue over the top music) GANGRENOUS LEG OF TOM EXTRAPOLIATION !! was long gone, and all hope was gone. Or so he thought.

There was only one hope. The Vatican !!

Suddenly The Pope rode in on Shergar (father to Cocaine). His long mane of hair flowing dramatically, heroically in the wind (in slow motion, of course), The Pope grinned a s hiteating grin and pulled out his flamethrower. This was no ordinary Pope. Owing to a administrative error, The Pope was now Lemmy from Moterhead...

Im going to the bear fights tomorrow, want to come with ??

[This message has been edited by plastic membrane (edited 01-12-2000).]

Wyverne · 04-12-2000 6:44am

and meanwhile back at the palace (que palatial music)

Princess Breasts was hanging on to her trusty butler upon whom she had released the utmost pits of her stomach "oh me fookin head Keanu"

"yes miss"

"jaysus loike wha' happened" she inquired vagely remembering again the vast quantities of drink she had consumed

"errrr" keanu replied, with a certain (fook shes not going to like this at all me thinks) frown

"wha'"

"ummmmmm, well first after you had those 17 vodkas and red bull, you umm danced merily umm naked ummmin front of a fornicating crowd of killer platypussies"

Princess breasts fixed her butler with a glare before again landing herself in convulsions, vomiting all over him, her body twisted and turned as she gyrated in immense pain at the length and depth of her projectile vomiting, keanu found himself thrown back 40, no 50 metres......

he came 'round and found himself lying on the ground beside one of Pha'tarses apple trees, "how do ya loike them apples" he heard a muffled voice say from down toward his groin area, and then belattedly realised that his cacks were around his ankles and one Princess Breasts was busy egging on the maid who was currently happily busy with his nether regions........
hmmmmmmmmmmmm this would never have happened in england he thought to himself and then shouted

"thank fook im no longer in england begorre"

again the muffled voice assaulted him...

"mfmmffmfmmfmmughughughughguhmmfmmfm good?"

"yes i think apples taste good" he innocently replied, quietly wondering what she was really asking, meanwhile princess breats he noticed had cleaned herself up and was sitting down over yonder winking at him, and he figured thats since Sir Prancealot was off finding some really old and gangreous leg that he might be in with a chance here...

the maid had since finished and walked away, with a smile on her face.. "so im now no longer a virgin"? she asked princess Breasts, "yes yes my sweet love, now you are a woman" replied the princess with a hitherto evil vixen look that the butler had not seen since................oh my goooooooood

he must run... and tell ... no... this could not be....he had seen it before, women with breasts as big as princess's breasts's breasts, had always turned to evil because the dark side of the breast was so tempting and it took away back pain

he jumped up and ran into the castle, passing by cousin cruise and uncle sheen, he nearly ran into king Pha'tarse,

"king king oh sir we have a problem, your daughter has turned into an evil vixen controlled by the dark side of the breast, and she will now seek nothing but sex day and night off every man in the kingdom" cried keanu

"really" smiled the king who had only this morning noticed that the royal coffers were low on some much needed gold coinage, hmmmmmm "i wonder how much we would get for her an hour" he thought, then he noticed the butlers quizzical look "bugger did i say that aloud" he whispered and then ran at pace towards the armoury...

keanu knew he must find his father, VADER, master at arms...

he ran down to the queens quarters, for some reason the queen many years ago had demanded that the armoury be put beside her quarters for her protection and that a door be fitted between the two rooms so that she could escape through in an emergency; and until the moment when keanu stepped through the queens bedroom door he had not thought anything wrong with any of it....

"my queen............." he gasped, "father" he querried!!!!!!!!

"csssssk I AM YOUR FATHER csssssk "

"yes yes i know that" he said waving his hand, "but....... what are you doing"?? he shouted..

"cssssssssk plumbing csssssssk" his father replied before taking his clothes and running through to the armoury whispering to the queen as he ran "scarper luv"

with all his morals thrown into disarray keanu ran to his special place where he could think and settle things down.......

"ok......." said to himself "where are we now" he thought.......
the princess has turned to the dark side of the breast and is going to devour the world in a rage of pure sexual energy, Sir Prancealot is off finding THE LEG, so he would not be back form his quest for who knows how long (keanu at this time did not know that sir prancealot had actually been uzied into a g'zillion pieces by the descendant of the killermonga playtypus), the king had other intentions on his mind then saving the kingdom; mainly to turn his castle into a brothel, the queen and his father seemed to be otherwise engaged (or so he thought), so that left just keanu.... it was all up to him now.. he must save the kingdom

he left his special place to find an old white man riding in on a horse almost identical to cocaine,

"help me my son" ordered the man in white

"who the fook are you" shouted keanu not in the mood to be given orders at this time

"i am the pope" was the reply, "and this is my horse shergar" he added

"but how can you be the pope, you look like Lemmy from Moterhead..." inquired keanu

"ahh fooking administrative error" replied the pope with a wave of his uzi carrying hand

"oh ok" smiled keanu not about to argue with a man cursing and claiming to be the pope while carrying an uzi

the kingdom really was falling to pieces kenau thought to himself, after hearing all the pope had to say, he was sorry to hear that sir prancealot and THE LEGS descendant Eugene were both killed by the killer platypus -- who right at this moment unbeknownst to both men was rallying a huge army of killer platypi to help Princes Breasts take over the kingdom and subject every man in the kingdom to great sexual acts by making them have sex with all the beautiful maids and mistresses and of course herself --

"its up to me and you your eminence" whispered keanu

"surely we have others who can aid us in this quest against evil" quizzed the pope

"well i can ask my brothers family" voluteered keanu

"are there many of them though" asked the pope

keanu smiled sweetly and replied "they are the BALDWINS"

"sweet" replied the pope

so with this the pope and keanu went off to fetch the army of baldwins to help them face the evil princess with the large breasts, because if a war happened, sure who would miss a few hundred baldwins here and there.........

MEANWHILE......... back at the palace, the princess was busy fondling herself and tweaking her nipples "ooooohh" "aahhhhaaaaaaahhh" "uuuuugfhughughughughugh"

"you will never get away with this"

Breasts looked down to her father and mother tied up on the floor in front of her, "oh but i will, as soon as i kill my mother and then i kill you father i will become the sole heir to this kingdom, and then with my army of killer platypus i shall manhandle every man in this kingdom to my own sexually deviant ways MUHU MUMUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

"mother why did you never join the dark side of the breast anyways" asked Breasts

"Me tits werent big enuff" replied her mother, "not even after plastic surgery" she added

"hahaha i must thank grandmother for my wonderfully large breasts then...."

"no..no...you got ur breats from you fathers side of the family" replied the queen

"but fathers family are all skinnny" said Breasts quzzically

"the king is not ur father" shouted the queen back with an evil laugh "hahaha"

"then who........" began the princess

when suddenly, with a huge bang the doors to the palace burst open "csssssssssssk I AM YOUR FATHER csssssssssssskk" smiled VADER sweetly before pegging it down the corrider in the direction of the darkest reaches of the palace

"aggggggghhhhhhh" she screamed, "after him, after him now, i must kill my father" screamed the princess as her followers of killer platypus hurried after VADER, the thought belatedly reached her that she was sending killer platypi after a man she needed alive.........

the princess got down off her throne and knelt beside the king, "well then she said with an evil grin, if you are not my father i guess we can" she began as she stripped herself of her clothes

"my....... they are bi......" and the king was no more killed by the super tit attack move #101 in mortal combat

while the queen was killing the king and former father, the pope and keanu were trying to talk the baldwins into helping them...

"please" asked keanu

"blessings be upon this house" whispered the pope as he rode in

"whos this" asked william baldwin

"its the pope" replied keanu

"yeah but why is he carrying an uzi and looking like lemmy from moterhead" asked another william baldwin

"would you like to tell him he's not the pope" smiled keanu

"erm....... no of course hes the pope any idiot can see that when an uzi's being held towards him" willy baldwin quickly replied

"you seem to be having some sort of gathering here" asked the pope

"ummm yes its our yearly barbeque" beemed will baldwin

"how many of you are here" keanu asked

"ohhhhhhh i'd say about eleven thousand" came the reply

"what" said keanu and the pope together

and with that keanu and the pope desperatly tried to convince the baldwins to help destroy the evil princess and bring peace back to the kingdom........

interior: palace dungeons

VADER: i must escape and help the rebellion
LUKE: you must join the dark side, they all have bigger breasts

vader thought about this for awhile, before coming to his senses and running down another one of the palaces many corriders,

vader: i must help the people defeat the dark side from this peaceful little kingdom

he turned the corner and ran into some workers...

vader: workers unite with me and we shall destroy the dark side of the breast

worker ali : ah iz werking 'ere

vader: help me defeat the dark side of the breast

worker ali: but its bigger init

vader: yes they do have bigger breats, but they are evil

worker ali: i likes big tities, booyakasha, but i will help you and all me mates if u gimme a curry

vader: ok i will, i promise, now help me

ali worker: ok den c'mon lads lets get some tities

meanwhile the pricess was having a great laugh, she nearly had the kingdom under control, her mother was dead as was the king, so now she must banish all traces of her kin from this earth before she could take control of the kingdom, so now she just needed to kill VADER..... but little did she know that vader now had the help of ALI W and his m8's and that keanu and the pope were on their way to the palace, things were looking bad for her and she was in for a surprise

"its nearly midnight, lets go outside to the sacrificial altar where i will kill my blood father" she cried

outside in the rain she smiled, she would win, her platypi she heard were coming back up through the dungeons, and she assumed they were bringing her father for her to sacrifice

the platypi burst through the door of the dundeons with vader between them, the princess smiled bfore realiseing that they were not her platypi at all but ALI W and his mates all dressed up in the skin of her platypi that they had killed

"csssssssssssssssk I AM YOUR FATHER cssssssssssssk"

"BOOYAKASHA"

the princess screamed
"you are no match for my army of platypi, i have many thousands here that will destroy you all, muhu muhuhahahahahahahaha

but just then keanu and the pope burst through the palace gates with a horde of baldwins wielding machete's and axes and uzi's courtesy of the vatican

what ensued was a great battle that is told in childrens stories even to this day, the baldwins died to a man, which is very unfortunate, BUT!!!!!! in their great sacrifice for mankind they managed to kill all the platypi that were defending the princess breasts... ALI W'S mates were all killed aswell because they had no weaponry apart from a few curry knives and forks

Keanu, the pope, VADER and ALI W surrounded the princess

ALI W: her knockers arent az big up close but ah still would

VADER: now!!!! YOU WILL DIE young groundrunner

the pope: blessings be upon this house

Keanu: things are going to change around here, you will no longer run things and i am going to tell everyone that you have been lying to them and trying to keep them in your own little world

the princess backed away, trembling.......... was this the end,. was she finished? what could she do now.....................?

[This message has been edited by Wyverne (edited 04-12-2000).]

Paladin · 04-12-2000 9:45pm

Puunak opened his eyes. The world spun around him, and heavy duty JCB's pounded inside his head.
FOOK! THE BATTLE!!!
Puunak had been celebrating the first cross special intercourse between a platypus and evil dark breasted human by drinking quite a lot of a very sweet smelling, foul tasting, hemaeorrage inducing liquid (ie. the silly twat drank half a gallon of diesel).

Puunak shook his head and righted himself.
OOOHHHH GOD!!!!!!
His stomach didnt want to get up with the rest of him and made a strong argument about staying on the floor.
Puunak whipped out a jar of 'Andrews'.
Their motto was written in italics across the front:

When the bottoms falling out of your world, drink Andrews, and have the world fall out of your bottom.

Half a septic tank later Puunak was ready to rock!

By this time the platypus army had been defeated (narrator note: This is unrealistic since platypus are INCREDIBLY dangerous as we all know, and they would OOOWN any modern army, even of Baldwins).
The princess was in deep sh1te, and Puunak was the only one left.

"the princess backed away, trembling.......... "

"You cant do this to me! Im a princess!!"

"Sorry to crash your party princess, but your reign is coming to an end" retorted Keanu.

(Queue Indiana Jones Theme Music By John Williams)

*CRASH!!!!!*
Through the wall stormed Puunak, felling 2 foot thick marble with an iron head-but+.
Puunak sprinted towards the princess and her would be captors.
Launching himself into a flying leap, Puunak scissors kicked Keanu in the neck before delivering a vicious spur to ALI W's groin.
The Pope pulled his uzi, and sprayed bullets towards Puunak but to no avail!
The agile little bastid was dodging the bullets!!

"Well fuuck me" says Lemmy as the poison from Puunaks spur began to work its way through his nervous system.

Puunak now turned towards Vadar.
Their eyes locked, two warriors ready to fight to the end.
Vadar whipped his lightsabre from his knickers.

*zeeeeooowwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

*cssssssssssssssk The force is strong in you young Puunak. You would serve us well on the dark side csssssssssssssssssk*

"Im on the dark side already you fool!"

*cssssssssssssssssk You are??! Who the heck am I fighting for then? csssssssssssssk*

"The powers of good, that seek to stop our policy of free sex!"

*csssssssssssssssssk Like hell I am!! Im with you lot! csssssssssssssssssk*

Princess Breasts smiled a wry smile as she watched this turn of events slumped on the floor, the red stain in her dress spreading. One of the bullets from the Popes uzi frenzy had hit her in the chest, just above her right breast.
She was losing a lot of blood, and if she wasnt helped soon she was going to die!

The side of darkness had triumphed, yet now they were about to lose their leader.
Puunaks mind raced furiously, as it occured to him what he should do!

To **** with them all!
Puunak was going to kill vadar, allow the Princess to die, and assume command of the kingdom for himself.

With an underhand, devious blow, Puunak took vadar out of the equation.

*csssssssssk Menthol! Menthol! My kingdom for a menthol! csssssssssssk*

Things looked bleak for the world.
(queue Star Wars Evil Imperials Music by John Williams)

"MUUUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" laughed Puunak.

"Not so fast brother!"

"What the...?"

"Yes Puunak. It is I William (or Bill to my friends)."

Specially trained by the CIA, Bill was the worlds most feared covert ops special agent. Taken from his nest at birth by a team of Navy SEALS, he was delivered to the CIA for special training. Also taken was his brother Puunak. Bill and Puunak had been seperated at the special CIA institute, and Bill never heard what had become of Puunak. What he surmised was this:

The CIA had found training platypus to be difficult. Very difficult. Psychotropic drugs were used to try and hypnotise Bill to willingly helping the CIA. They didnt have the effect that was planned. Bill developed a taste for these drugs, and the CIA discovered that if they kept him drugged up he was happy to play along. Bill had guessed they tried the same with Puunak. Somehow, things had gone wrong, and Puunak didnt respond the same way as Bill, and managed to escape, now trained in many deadly killing arts. Puunaks only rival in terms of pure killing ability was Bill, and they were evenly matched.

Puunak was seething in anger. At every turn, every time he tried to do something evil, Bill had been there to thwart him at the final moment. They eyed each other up, waiting for one to make the move.

Puunak took the initiative and launched himself at Bill. He was met with a vicious bill to the head, but retaliated with a scathing knee to the kidneys. On they fought, two masters of hand to hand combat. Each one looking for the opportunity to 'spur' the opponent. For three hours the battle raged. Bill was feeling the strain of a three thousand mile swim from his last mission at Kuala Lumpur, and Puunak saw his opportunity.........

Wyverne · 05-12-2000 6:11am

punack saw his opportunity.... and he went for it, nothing could stop him now, he was within reach of his destiny, to take over this small little kingdom and build back up his army of killer platypi, and take over the planet.

bill was thrown back 30 or more feet by punnacks vicious thrust... he was dazed and confused, what had happened,? he and punnack had always been equals, and yet now he found himself in a loosing battle to an enraged punnack seeking to take over the kingdom...

he raised himself once more, "never give up never surrender" he whispered as he got to his feet and turned and faced punnack..

he pulled his trusty CIA knife from the back of his pocket pocket and lept back into action with punnack with a renewed vengence, he stabbed and stabbed and savagely raped his former compatriot, how long more could this battle last, when suddenly both mens attaentions were drawn to the princess, shes was screaming in utter pain, she was dying they feared..... but no. wiat she was not dying she was evolving.. into Charzarde the Dragon Pokemon, now she was truly evil, she didnt need to sacrifice her father after all, she had managed to become pure evil, the dark side of the breast had truly won....

the princess breasts truned toward her former war commander and his nemesis, and in her first screamn of rage in her new form she reduced both of them to smoking cinders...

now she would continue her intention to take over the kingdom for their was no longer anything to stop her, she wopuld now create a new race of cross Human-Dragons (that she would calld Hugons) ruled by her... yes she could see it now on her new throne made of pure gold.

"muhu muhuhahahahahahahahahahaha"

she made her way out of the courtyard into her new kingdom, with a great big toothy smile on her face

but unbeknownst to her Keanu's cousins cruise and uncle sheen watched her go vowed to avenge the death of their kin.....

what was in store was anybody's guess

Bard · 06-12-2000 10:25am

The screen darkens and that hideous phrase "to be continued" appears. "Bollicks", say Princess Breasts, "I just hate it when that happens!"

Credits roll, thanking plastic membrane, Kharn, Doc, Paladin, Kastro, Lolth and Wyverne for their well appreciated contributions.

Good work fellahs!

Continue this tale in a similar stylee...

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