Is there anything to do?

De Oro · 18-11-2015 4:23pm #1

My boyfriend for 2 years is verbally abusive and disrespectful when angry and it happens on suspiciously regular/cyclic basis; he can even start argument over the most miniscule reasons that would be just a simple conversation during the "good times". Recently he has started to ask me to move out on top of everything when angry while making future plans when back to his senses. Any advice?

corsav6 · 18-11-2015 4:26pm

De Oro wrote: »

My boyfriend for 2 years is verbally abusive and disrespectful when angry and it happens on suspiciously regular/cyclic basis; he can even start argument over the most miniscule reasons that would be just a simple conversation during the "good times". Recently he has started to ask me to move out on top of everything when angry while making future plans when back to his senses. Any advice?

Move out and move on, he doesn't sound like he's ready for an adult relationship tbh.

LegacyUser · 18-11-2015 5:22pm

De Oro wrote: »

when back to his senses. Any advice?

Anyone can get a bang on the head, have a short-term illness or whatever causes them to act out, but when it's a regular pattern, those calms between the storms are not them "coming to their senses", that's them keeping the reality under wraps. Those days of flying of the handle at small things *are* the real him.

The best that can be said is that he's immature and feeling under pressure or wanting out, but totally incapable of articulating that or doing the right thing about it and ending up lashing out. More likely though, it that the gaps between those storms will get smaller and the storms will get worse, maybe even turning physical. If I was you, I'd be relieved to be asked to leave and I couldn't get away from someone who abuses me fast enough.

whiskeyman · 19-11-2015 8:48am

Next time he says get out, pack your stuff and leave.
To be honest, I'd leave before he says it.
He has temper issues and is disrespectful to you.
Challenge him on this now, before a fight happens, for him to get help otherwise you are finished with him.

Best of luck

shamrock2004 · 19-11-2015 10:00am

If you want to try and sort things out instead of doing a runner for the hills, you should try and get him to see a psychologist. Im sure there are reasons for his intemperate outbursts. I was there myself - except I didn't have the outbursts, instead I self-imploded and the other half had no idea what was going on with me. He could be suffering from depression and anger is a classic symptom.

Ruby31 · 19-11-2015 2:55pm

shamrock2004 wrote: »

If you want to try and sort things out instead of doing a runner for the hills, you should try and get him to see a psychologist. Im sure there are reasons for his intemperate outbursts. I was there myself - except I didn't have the outbursts, instead I self-imploded and the other half had no idea what was going on with me. He could be suffering from depression and anger is a classic symptom.

I agree with this.

My DH sounds similar, except he doesn't verbally abuse me, he just gets so angry and becomes impossible to talk to rationally. This happens every so often, but on normal days, he's a great laugh and really kind.

He gets his anger issues from his parents. His older siblings told me that their dad used to absolutely lose it with them all when they were younger. His mum would say nothing as she's the peace-keeper. Totally unhealthy environment. So now, if my DH isn't happy with something, he also says nothing. Then other things happen and he still says nothing until it all gets too much and he explodes. I've often told him he has anger issues but I think he's embarrassed about it and he resorts to sweeping it under the carpet just as his mum always did. He's your typical Irish man too so absolutely no way would he seek professional help. If however, you can get your boyfriend to seek help, he might just be able to turn his behaviour around.

Best of luck.

De Oro · 19-11-2015 4:50pm

Thanks lads loads to think through now. Tbh discussing things with him has always been an issue even during the good times even discussing practical stuff. Don't get me wrong I don't demand him to pour the heart out or smth; for instance last fight was over such as measly thing as broken sky television for good couple of months now and I'm running out of patience over contributing towards service neither of us are getting. We've had that conversation before in peace so I have no idea what snapped this time. Not to mention The Great Christmas Tree War last year and such.

I'm just sick and tired of all the toxic atmosphere created at home.

CaraMay · 19-11-2015 7:04pm

Yet you choose to stay. He's no going to change so you either take the abuse or ship out.

dudara · 19-11-2015 10:06pm

@Ruby31 - please don't use acronyms such as DH. Many posters might not know what it stands for, plus it is a style of writing that is generally not used on Boards.

dudara

Shrap · 19-11-2015 10:24pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Yet you choose to stay. He's no going to change so you either take the abuse or ship out.

Good point, well made.

OP, I spent 7 years of my life waiting for my husband to see sense and stop reacting massively to the littlest of unpredictable things. Turned out that was 6 years too long for our son. Me, I'm an adult and had a choice to move out, even if it seemed like an insurmountable difficulty at the time. In the end, I had to make that choice because it was sink or swim time - there's only so much treading on eggshells, wondering what someone will kick off over next, that you can do.

Don't be that doormat - you can't fix him. I couldn't be told that till it had damaged my kids (and me, although I didn't know it at the time), but you're up here asking the question is there anything to do?.......simple answer....NO, not to change him, but YES to change you. Leave.

LegacyUser · 19-11-2015 11:48pm

Hi OP my sis in law was in similar position. Except it was her house, my brother was an insufferable, horrible human being to her. He used to slam everything he touched, smash around the bedroom flinging things around. Calling her awful names. He was always sorry. But there's only so many times you can believe a person that behaves like that repeatedly, and thinks apologising after makes things grand..

She rang me too many times crying so I told her many times to tell him to get out. They have a little kid so she found it hard. But she did eventually tell him, I am so glad she did, she was a shell of what she used to be after putting up with his antics for years. I can tell you she's much happier now, and doesn't regret it

The point is, I can't see your bf changing unless he gets actual help. And he has to put effort into it. Otherwise he will stay the same angry person. Life should not be like that for you.

LegacyUser · 21-11-2015 12:00am

Hi De Oro

I'm afraid I have to agree with some of the answers here...he will never change..I am in exactly the same situation except I have endured nearly ten years of it and am only now in the process of getting away from him. It is indeed a toxic atmosphere to be living in and you deserve so much more. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. You have to put yourself first and decide if this is the type of relationship you really want...don't make the mistake I did and waste nearly a decade of your life with somebody who clearly disrespects you.

Wishing you all the best whatever path you choose to take.

ivytwine · 22-11-2015 9:42am

De Oro wrote: »

Thanks lads loads to think through now. Tbh discussing things with him has always been an issue even during the good times even discussing practical stuff. Don't get me wrong I don't demand him to pour the heart out or smth; for instance last fight was over such as measly thing as broken sky television for good couple of months now and I'm running out of patience over contributing towards service neither of us are getting. We've had that conversation before in peace so I have no idea what snapped this time. Not to mention The Great Christmas Tree War last year and such.

I'm just sick and tired of all the toxic atmosphere created at home.

So if I'm reading this right, your Sky subscription isn't working properly, so instead of one of you ringing Sky and just getting it sorted, you've been arguing about it for months? OP life is way too short for that crap, it's not normal for minor practical things like this to be a source of tension and fights. There's something wrong with your OH when he's fighting with you like this over trivialities.

Maybe he's trying to break up with you but doesn't have the balls to do it properly? I'd take him at his word when he tells you to leave.

Bolding your last line because you don't have to live like this.

Ohmydays83 · 23-11-2015 4:46pm

Op, life is too short to be putting up with this and walking on eggshells.

He is a bully.

Move away and run for the hills for your own safety please.

Is there anything to do?

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