It gets better, unless you're fat.

outnumbered · 29-07-2014 6:18pm #1

I recently read this opinion piece which outlines the struggles of being gay AND fat; http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/it-gets-better-unless-youre-fat

As an overweight, young gay man, I sort of agree. I mean, I only started practicing my sexuality last October when I came to College in Dublin. It's been fantastic and I don't particularly struggle to get with guys on night out. I mean, it's not the easiest thing but I have about a 90% success rate :P
However, I fail to attract the guys I really want most of the time. I am inundated with requests from the older bear type but my fellow youths just don't go for me.

I am never approached, I do the approaching.

On grindr, i am a complete pariah- no one messages me or replies.

I am constantly given excuses by really hot guys like "I'm straight"... :roll eyes:

Ok, i know that I'm not ugly. I have been told I have a good face and I know that too. But my body is repulsive. I seriously need to loose weight. Since i can get guys in a club and not on grindr I believe it's my personality that's helping me.

So I do agree with the opinion that many fat gay men are excluded from the gay/bi society and are shameful to be with.

Do you agree and have you had personal experience with this?

Rick_ · 29-07-2014 6:55pm

As someone who has a bit of weight on himself, I have found that more people were willing to talk to me online than in person when I used dating apps and sites. Profile pictures, if taken in certain ways or cropped, can be deceptive and is usually of just your head rather than your whole body, so there's less chance of instantly seeing the excess body fat. My face mustn't look as 'fat' as others, so I guess that I was lucky. It is sad when you don't get attention anywhere in the gay world and you obsess about what is wrong with you, but in the end if you find the right person it's more a case of what is wrong with everyone else that they couldn't see what your partner sees.

Now, of course I have had people on dating sites call me all sorts because of how I look but these are the minority and I put it down to them being natural born dickheads who are obsessed with looks and nothing else!

J_E · 29-07-2014 9:59pm

I'm a bit overweight and I've had lots of fun. You're not going to attract certain guys - so what? You can't make people like you. Some people don't like 'chubs', some guys don't like twinky hairless boys, everyone has a particular preference and it sounds like you do also, does it mean that the older bearish guys should be offended too? Of course not, everyone has their own sexual preferences. I find it pretty easy to figure when a guy isn't interested, and I've been rejected based on my weight loads of times. I'm upfront about it and I've met plenty of people who are fine and even find it attractive. I'm working out now - not because I feel I need to adhere to a body type, but more for my own wellbeing. If you do feel the need to exercise/diet, or whatever to try and physically change, do it for the right reason, not the wrong one. There are tons of 'chubby chasers' out there, young and old! Recommend you get rid of Grindr and use Scruff or Growlr, much more open crowd.

It would be comforting to dismiss these as isolated incidents, but based on conversations with other gay men like me, I don’t think they’re all that unusual. The truth is, the gay community isn’t interested in embracing overweight people because we’re a blemish on the image of perfection. And much in the same way progressives as a whole can get away with ignoring anti-fat bigotry, gay men never bother examining the way they treat their overweight brothers. Ignore us or relegate us to the butt of hackneyed jokes: We just don’t matter. It doesn’t get better for us.

I just can't agree with this paragraph though. If that were true, there would be no such thing as bears/cubs/chubs/chasers as a subculture. It's a little irritating to read about acceptance in that paragraph while basically ignoring/disregarding a whole group of people who embrace the same aspect of themselves. I just see this as not having your eyes open enough and focusing too much on the ****e, vacuous atmosphere of spots like Grindr. It sounds like the author of that article is just sympathy fishing - I have no doubt he has had negative experiences, but there are too many self-esteem issues stemming from within that he is projecting. I don't think I can think of any type of man that has been rejected from every facet of gay culture, it is usually more the case they exclude themselves, either because they didn't know about another community of people or just a personal block they had to work through.

Deranged96 · 29-07-2014 10:35pm

Cydoniac wrote: »

! Recommend you get rid of Grindr and use Scruff or Growlr, much more open crowd..

I didn't know there are alternatives to grindr :O Do they have less creeps?

Back on topic- From my admittedly limited experience I think there are more heavy gay guys out there than there are muscled Adonises

I think that the gay community as a spectrum can't be said to find heavy lads (ladies?) more disagreeable than society does because the gay community is just a cross-section of society.
When (If) society as a whole comes to accept that Western Culture is more conducive to turning out bigger people than slim people, that's when large people will feel more at ease.

Murray007 · 29-07-2014 11:02pm

A general observation on life is that you can't predict who fits who. I know the likelihood of meeting Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie if either are your fix is slim, however, the most unlikely couples make a match. You see slim with fat, tall women with short men etc

A tip, I have noticed from experience in life that the most unusual couples have an explanation in the background. For instance, very pretty slim girl of an farming/other businesses background marrying a short plump bald (but young guy) who happened to look really like her brothers and father.

Culture, humour, experience, family similarities help to match people who are not the most obvious matches.

For instance, when I went to London for work without my partner I thought that I must love him so much that I am not attracted to anyone else. But when he come over and we went to a London Leitrim game (I am from Cavan) I thought I had never seen so many good looking men in in place (the Leitrim guys).

Confidence is the key, if you like them try and if they are not interested say fair enough, if they are interested good on ya.

ongarboy · 30-07-2014 5:36pm

outnumbered wrote: »

So I do agree with the opinion that many fat gay men are excluded from the gay/bi society and are shameful to be with.

Do you mean this in the context of hook ups and dating or platonic interaction also? If just in the context of sexual appeal, are you attracted to other fat or obese guys? If not, are you just as discriminatory as slim guys who are not attracted to overweight guys?

We all have sexual preferences and while it involves discrimination, it is purely based on what turns us on. It doesn't mean we would like or respect the person any less in any other context outside wanting to sleep or be naked with them. I don't think people should be knocked just because a particular look or guy doesn't turn them on. There are some very conventionally good looking guys out there that do nothing for me. Am I being unfair to them because I don't find them attractive? Of course not.

I see a lot of overweight guys and girls on the scene and in various other settings happily interacting with people of all other shapes and sizes so I can't see much evidence of this ostracisation.

Forgetting about aesthetics and vanity, losing weight is something everyone can and should do for health reasons (those with medical conditions that prevent it excepted).

PS - if you have a 90% success rate with other guys, then you are more successful then most anyone I know so your weight is definitely not a handicap for you!

Sesudra · 30-07-2014 7:37pm

I'm a big guy, always have been, and I do exercise and try to eat right but my weight does fluctuate. I'm in my mid 30s now and have been out on the scene since my early 20s and, unfortunately, there are always going to be guys (and girls) who think it's okay to make mean comments on someones weight. The trick,and it takes time, is to ignore these people, just like you'd ignore anyone being mean to you.

Sure, there are the mean queen stereotypes out there but, as one of the others here already said, there are just as many gay guys who aren't like that and will have no issue with your weight. Forget about the nasty people who might make comments and focus on the people who make you feel good about yourself, they're the ones who'll make you happy

outnumbered · 30-07-2014 10:18pm

These are all great comments and make me feel a good bit better.

The thing is, I think I need to loose weight for me to be comfortable with a guy. I remember sleeping with someone who loved bigger guys. I couldn't get over the face he loved my body and I was just confused rather than enjoying it. This led to extreme sexual anxiety and this occurs regularly. I need to work on my confidence but I think that means I need to work on my weight.

I'm 18, maybe I could live the rest of my life as a twink if i worked hard enough hehe.

J_E · 31-07-2014 12:33am

outnumbered wrote: »

I'm 18, maybe I could live the rest of my life as a twink if i worked hard enough hehe.

Don't work too hard...

There are an oversaturation of twinks, be you!

MultiUmm · 31-07-2014 4:01am

Paddy C wrote: »

Now, of course I have had people on dating sites call me all sorts because of how I look but these are the minority and I put it down to them being natural born dickheads who are obsessed with looks and nothing else!

Wow that's horrible. What kind of loser goes to the trouble of insulting someone on a dating app/ site? Probably the same kind of a*sholes who send pics of their dicks expecting you to fawn over them. :rolleyes:

Ash885 · 01-08-2014 3:12pm

MultiUmm wrote: »

Wow that's horrible. What kind of loser goes to the trouble of insulting someone on a dating app/ site? Probably the same kind of a*sholes who send pics of their dicks expecting you to fawn over them. :rolleyes:

Haha this happens quite frequently regardless of your appearance. I'm very skinny and when I politely declined his NSA reuqest and got a barrage of insults afterwards. Pride hurt much?

Zillah · 02-08-2014 12:38am

outnumbered wrote: »

These are all great comments and make me feel a good bit better.

The thing is, I think I need to loose weight for me to be comfortable with a guy. I remember sleeping with someone who loved bigger guys. I couldn't get over the face he loved my body and I was just confused rather than enjoying it. This led to extreme sexual anxiety and this occurs regularly. I need to work on my confidence but I think that means I need to work on my weight.

I'm 18, maybe I could live the rest of my life as a twink if i worked hard enough hehe.

There are so many messages of "love yourself" and "be who you are" these days that a lot of people seem almost sheepish or ashamed if they want to improve themselves. Being overweight is a bad idea for a whole bunch of reasons, attractiveness only being one of them. If you're overweight then you're not eating right. Educating yourself on proper eating (no crash or gimmicky diets!) will get you to a healthy weight.

Lifting weights can make you sexy

At 18 you have the chance to spend your twenties fit and healthy or on a slow decline battling confidence issues and awkwardness. There is nothing stopping you.

floggg · 02-08-2014 7:05pm

I skimmed the article and it seems to me the issues here are the authors own.

Yes, gay men generally prefer in shape guys, but so do straight girls. However, unlike straight girls, gay people have developed a pretty visible sub culture which sees the larger man as sexy.

I also think OP seems to be guilty of the same bias he accuses gay men of having - of preferring skinnier more in shape guys.

He says he gets his far share of attention, but not with the type he would prefer. Well, if you have a preference, you can hardly criticise other gay men for having it.

And lastly, there is definitively every possibility for over weight gay men to find love and happiness. I'm carrying some extra pounds myself and yet it hasn't stopped me meeting somebody amazing.

BuffyBot · 03-08-2014 10:03am

There are so many messages of "love yourself" and "be who you are" these days that a lot of people seem almost sheepish or ashamed if they want to improve themselves. Being overweight is a bad idea for a whole bunch of reasons, attractiveness only being one of them.

Attractiveness to some, I'd assume you mean. "Improvement" (and in terms of making changes to ones appearance I use inverted commas as it is all subjective) is as much about frame of mind as anything else.

OP, everyone on some level will find some element of you more attractive than others, be it body size, musical taste, tea or coffee choice etc. It is a fact of human nature. It can be uncomfortable if someone comes on too strong with it and defines you by one aspect, but thats not always the case. You see it in your own self by having a "type".

But yeah, Grindr mightn't the ideal spot. And if you're having encounters it seems unlikely you are "repulsive". If I could bottle a word and sell it to most people, it would be "relax". I'd be a billionaire.

Zillah · 05-08-2014 11:29am

BuffyBot wrote: »

Attractiveness to some, I'd assume you mean. "Improvement" (and in terms of making changes to ones appearance I use inverted commas as it is all subjective) is as much about frame of mind as anything else.

I made it very clear that attractiveness was only one part of it. No sensible person is going to contest that being stronger, fitter and healthier is anything but an improvement. It would also be extremely silly to pretend that the vast majority of people, gay or straight, would disagree that being fit and strong is more attractive than being overweight. This is doubly the case when he would like to attract such a person himself. You're as likely to win the lotto as you are to find a gym fit person that didn't expect their partner to have made the same effort.

azezil · 06-08-2014 10:20am

outnumbered wrote: »

It's been fantastic and I don't particularly struggle to get with guys on night out. I mean, it's not the easiest thing but I have about a 90% success rate :P

Bloody hell, I've never even come close to that, no one ever approaches me and I'm not fat or ugly (or so I'm told). I think it's just more of an Irish thing, we may be open and chatty in a casual pub environment where there's no expectation of 'scoring', but the complete opposite when trying to find a "suitor" for the evening

ongarboy · 06-08-2014 12:06pm

azezil wrote: »

Bloody hell, I've never even come close to that, no one ever approaches me and I'm not fat or ugly (or so I'm told). I think it's just more of an Irish thing, we may be open and chatty in a casual pub environment where there's no expectation of 'scoring', but the complete opposite when trying to find a "suitor" for the evening

I wonder is it a proper 90% success rate though. Scoring with guys you don't really want to be with which seems to be the majority of the time according to OP is not really a success rate IMO.

outnumbered · 06-08-2014 1:55pm

ongarboy wrote: »

I wonder is it a proper 90% success rate though. Scoring with guys you don't really want to be with which seems to be the majority of the time according to OP is not really a success rate IMO.

no no no, like i get attention from people i don't want but I have to actively look for the ones i am attracted to

I don't get with 40 year old men...

J_E · 06-08-2014 1:58pm

outnumbered wrote: »

I don't get with 40 year old men...

er, not that there's anything wrong with that either! Everyone has age limits but to actively dismiss someone for a number is as shallow as dismissing someone for being fat...sensing some hypocrisy here...

So far, the impression I'm getting here is 'it's unfair, nobody will go out with me, well they will but not my perfect type, I'm stuck with all the hairy old guys and people I don't personally like myself based on my sexual preferences (like everyone else), why are people so judgemental!!!'

fluffybiscuits · 06-08-2014 2:30pm

Normally I lurk and read (dont normally post here, find it too clique-ish)

But your post intrigued me.

Im a stocky bloke as is my partner. There are various bear nights where you can meet chasers , there is apps (Growlr) and there is also the good old fashioned way which is to try groups like meetup.com where they have a group meet up. We all have some sort of pre requisite as to what we find attractive physically. I like stocky types and there are those who prefer thin or inbetween. Persevere would be my opinion. Meet a lot of blokes and the way I look at it is this

You meet twenty blokes, dont like three or four, sleep with two or three, date another two or three, become friends with a few more and then that one bloke out there who you click with. Go out, drop any notions and just meet people on an equal footing.

I have had experience of this and guys not being into me because of my weight, sod it, thats life.

Best of luck with the journey...!

outnumbered · 06-08-2014 6:41pm

Cydoniac wrote: »

er, not that there's anything wrong with that either! Everyone has age limits but to actively dismiss someone for a number is as shallow as dismissing someone for being fat...sensing some hypocrisy here...

So far, the impression I'm getting here is 'it's unfair, nobody will go out with me, well they will but not my perfect type, I'm stuck with all the hairy old guys and people I don't personally like myself based on my sexual preferences (like everyone else), why are people so judgemental!!!'

Yes well it was already stated about the preferences... everyone has them... I know that NOW and will just have to loose weight

J_E · 06-08-2014 7:33pm

outnumbered wrote: »

Yes well it was already stated about the preferences... everyone has them... I know that NOW and will just have to loose weight

Do what makes you feel good, not because you feel forced to!

pauliebdub · 07-08-2014 1:14pm

I find the apps, Growlr, Grindr and Scruff to be very shallow for the most part and not really a great way to meet men unless you are just looking for sex. The rejections and treatment etc can dent your confidence. There are men out there who like the chubby type but as im a bit on the chubby side myself its more difficult to attract certain types of guys.

My advice would be to out and meet people and join groups and build a circle of friends, often relationships are formed from meeting guys through friends or shared interests.

floggg · 09-08-2014 7:13am

outnumbered wrote: »

Yes well it was already stated about the preferences... everyone has them... I know that NOW and will just have to loose weight

I don't mean to be a prick here but one thing that irks me about the article and the OP is the perceived victim status for fat people.

At the end of the day, in the absence of a medical condition, being overweight is ultimately a result of your own dietary and exercise choices. And I say that as somebody who is overweight himself.

At the end of the day, if we don't choose to eat healthy and exercise (because it is a choice) we can't blame anybody else if there are negative consequences to that decision.

If you want to attract a particular type of guy, you have to do the best you can to be attractive to him. Not expect them to adjust their standards to accommodate you.

LegacyUser · 09-08-2014 12:20pm

Hey OP,

I'm not sure if a woman's opinion is relevant but I'll give my two cents, for what it's worth. I have a female friend (straight) who has very idealized standards of what she accepts as attractive in men in terms of physical appearance. She will only date men that are chiselled, rugby types. She is desperate for a serious boyfriend who is kind, generous, has a good job and also looks like Tommy Bowe.

This girl is overweight. She has a pretty face but she is carrying quite a bit of extra weight. A lot of bigger guys (big but not chiselled adonises) approach her when we have been out and online but she always dismisses them because of her weight. This is, of course, completely hypocritical and shallow. Conversely, the so called hunkier guys she deems attrative are rarely interested in her romantically for the same reason. She gets used for sex by the 'hunks' and ends up feeling worthless after such occurrances.

The point is, that if you are overweight, muscly guys are probably not going to be attracted to you or want a relationship with you. That might sounx harsh but as other posters have mentioned, you are better off not focussing solely on looks and try to find a guy that you click with- attraction does grow when you really connect with someone on more than just a physical level, well it does for me anyway.

I am sure you have a lot to offer a guy so try not to fret over those who overlook you- no point wasting time and energy procrastinating over why some guys aren't into you. Attraction is very subjective after all!

Caiseoipe19 · 14-08-2014 4:58pm

RagsOB wrote: »

Hey OP,

I'm not sure if a woman's opinion is relevant but I'll give my two cents, for what it's worth. I have a female friend (straight) who has very idealized standards of what she accepts as attractive in men in terms of physical appearance. She will only date men that are chiselled, rugby types. She is desperate for a serious boyfriend who is kind, generous, has a good job and also looks like Tommy Bowe.

This girl is overweight. She has a pretty face but she is carrying quite a bit of extra weight. A lot of bigger guys (big but not chiselled adonises) approach her when we have been out and online but she always dismisses them because of her weight. This is, of course, completely hypocritical and shallow. Conversely, the so called hunkier guys she deems attrative are rarely interested in her romantically for the same reason. She gets used for sex by the 'hunks' and ends up feeling worthless after such occurrances.

The point is, that if you are overweight, muscly guys are probably not going to be attracted to you or want a relationship with you. That might sounx harsh but as other posters have mentioned, you are better off not focussing solely on looks and try to find a guy that you click with- attraction does grow when you really connect with someone on more than just a physical level, well it does for me anyway.

I am sure you have a lot to offer a guy so try not to fret over those who overlook you- no point wasting time and energy procrastinating over why some guys aren't into you. Attraction is very subjective after all!

I completely disagree with you saying this is hypocritical and shallow. What has her weight to do with who she is attracted to? Just because she is overweight doesn't mean that she has to find overweight people attractive herself.

I also disagree with the second line in bold. Yes, fitter guys often go for fitter guys etc. but there are plenty of people out there that don't go for people like themselves.

J_E · 14-08-2014 5:00pm

Caiseoipe19 wrote: »

I completely disagree with you saying this is hypocritical and shallow. What has her weight to do with who she is attracted to? Just because she is overweight doesn't mean that she has to find overweight people attractive herself.

Of course not, but I think the main point of the thread is you can't expect people to automatically like you back, and everyone has their own personal preferences. A lot of us who are overweight know we are and could probably work out a little harder, if not only for health's sake.

jaymcg91 · 14-08-2014 6:23pm

Cydoniac wrote: »

Of course not, but I think the main point of the thread is you can't expect people to automatically like you back, and everyone has their own personal preferences. A lot of us who are overweight know we are and could probably work out a little harder, if not only for health's sake.

Exactly, if I go to the gym 5 days a week, why would I want to date some lard arse?

Sorry that I'm being brutal, but it's true. I'd be attracted to people that take care of themselves, and weight is a big part of that.

Welcome to the real world overweight people! Put down the cake and go to the gym.

Aard · 14-08-2014 6:24pm

Caiseoipe19 wrote: »

I completely disagree with you saying this is hypocritical and shallow. What has her weight to do with who she is attracted to? Just because she is overweight doesn't mean that she has to find overweight people attractive herself.

I also disagree with the second line in bold. Yes, fitter guys often go for fitter guys etc. but there are plenty of people out there that don't go for people like themselves.

The irony of her post is that she finishes it with the line "Attraction is very subjective after all!" Isn't it just!

Dia1988 · 14-08-2014 6:28pm

It is no coincidence that the majority of fat people lack exercise and eat unhealthy foods!

There is only one person to blame and that is you yourself, self pity won't make you slim either!

Get off the couch, put down the chocolate ice cream and go out for a long walk!

lyinghere · 14-08-2014 8:18pm

Long story short - Accepting being gay and dealing with weight issues are two separate things. I don't think they are linked!

Your post discusses being on the pull on a night out where attraction is a huge factor understandably in my opinion. It's kind of just a fact that a lot of people are more attracted to normal weighted people. That stems across society as a whole and has nothing to do with being gay. I know good looking lads who find it hard to pull sometimes so maybe a lot of this is in your head even, you say you have 90% success rates!

If you were actively trying to make some actual long term gay friends i don't think you would hold the view that gay people don't include overweight people. All i'm trying to say is straight people wouldnt base their sense of inclusion in society based on their success or lack of on a night out on the pull so why would gay people do that!

You mention you might try lose weight, you should do it for yourself if thats what you would like. If you think it would make you happier and healtier why not go for it. Dont just do it witht he sole intention of trying impress others though.

It gets better, unless you're fat.

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