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How do I get over someone I work with, and see every day?

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  • 27-01-2015 12:01pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    How do I get over someone I work with, and see every day?

    I’ve been dating a guy in work for the last 3 years. I need to move on from him, but I have fallen head-over-heels for him. We get on so well, and have similar interests and hobbies, and always have great fun together, and the physical side is great.
    The reason I need to move on, is that he is from another country, and told me that he wants to marry someone from his own culture/religion. I’ve known this for a couple of years, but kept it going, partly because I really like him and can’t imagine not being with him, partly because I hoped he’d change his mind, partly I thought there was a chance my interest in him would fizzle out and I could move on without a traumatic breakup.

    None of that has happened, so I don’t know what to do.
    I know the simple advice to move on from someone is stop hanging out with him, don’t respond to texts, don’t chat in work, etc. The problem is that we are friends too - I’d miss him so much if we didn’t chat and share little details.
    At the moment I’m trying to be “just friends”, but it’s very difficult since I see him every minute of the day, so I can’t do “out of sight, out of mind”. We don’t work in the same team, but sit very close, so we frequently chat and have coffee breaks together etc.


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    #2
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Part of the problem at the moment is that you want to have the best of both worlds - you want to move on from this person, yet you still want some of the benefits that you had while you were in a relationship with him. You're not going to get over him if you're still going to engage in "chat and share little details" on a daily basis, because you're not giving yourself a chance to move on. You don't have to avoid this person, but for now, you really do need to keep your personal and professional selves separate. Be professional when it comes to work stuff, anything else really is a no go area. This includes text messages, Facebook and so on.

    Perhaps in the future you can see if a friendship remains once you have both well and truly moved on, but in these early days when emotions are still raw, out of sight really is out of mind.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here. Thanks for the advice. You're right - I think I do want the best of both worlds.

    I've realised I've asked the wrong question! I don't want to move on and distance myself from him - I want to maintain our closeness, even just as friends.

    Recently he has been making less effort to spend time with me. I miss him, so then I run after him, suggesting we do things, so that we can still spend time together.

    Another complication is that he has recently been in contact with someone from his home country, who could be a potential wife. When I hear details about it, I feel hurt and rejected. But if he doesn't tell me about it, I'm even more upset that I don't know what's going on in his life anymore. So either way I'm hurt!

    Is there any way to stay friends but not be head wrecked?
    I know I sound desperate, and I'm normally so level headed!


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    #4
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Need advice to move on wrote: »
    Is there any way to stay friends but not be head wrecked?

    For the immediate future, no, I don't think there is.

    You say in your opening post that you need to move on from him, and your follow up post doesn't give any indication that you are willing to take the steps necessary to do so. He's seemingly been pretty clear with you - he's distancing himself from you on a personal level, and sees a possible future with another woman. You on the other hand are chasing after him, vying for his attention, bending over backwards to come up with reasons to spend time together. Realistically, how do you see this working out?

    There's no cushioning the blow here for yourself - you need distance from him fro a while at least to accept that your relationship is over and move on, and not be hurt by him moving on, which is the case now. Whether you can both salvage a friendship from that further on down the line, that's something you can explore then, not now.


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    #5
    marykitty47
    Registered Users Posts: 115 ✭✭marykitty47


    hi I am going to be honest and aay no. I could have written the above this time last year we were working together and seeing each other for approx 3yrs.There is no easy way you need to keep it professional. trying to be friends will not work as feelings are involved.


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