Should I get back with my ex?

LegacyUser · 24-01-2015 4:15pm #1

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Over year ago my then boyfriend, who I was dating for 11 months, went abroad for a years work opportunity. I always knew it was coming, but I thought we could make the long distance relationship work.

The problem is that he broke up with me three months before he was due to travel. He said that he was too busy for a relationship with arranging the big move, leaving his old job and study he had to do before taking on the new job. He also said a long distance relationship wouldnt work, but that we could pick up again when he came back.

I felt this was a weak excuse and that he just wasn't that into me. He never contacted me in all the time he was away. I took this as a confirmation that he was done with me. But he is back in the country again for good and wants to start things up again.

On one hand I would love to get back with him because I was crazy about him and was heartbroken when he left. Then again, I have a fear that he might leave me again.

I have a lingering suspicion that he broke up with me because he had doubts over our relationship and was thinking that the grass might be greener elsewhere. I saw him on dating websites shortly after we broke up (we never said that we wouldn't date anyone while we were broken up). I think he tried the dating scene and didn't like what he found and now wants to go back to me. It's probably just me thinking the worst, but how can I be sure?

Is it worth the risk getting back together with him or will it only end in heartbreak? What should I do?

Keane2baMused · 24-01-2015 5:30pm

Unfortunately you can't be sure. No matter what he tells you, no matter how much you try to convince yourself it's genuine you may still feel in the back of your mind that it's not.

Personally I always believe exes should stay that way. Been there, done that and although it has shaped my life, I would strongly discourage others from going down that road. Don't get me wrong, some couples will make broken relationships work again,so I'm not saying its not possible. The only way it will work is if both truly want it and trust is rebuilt.

retro:electro · 24-01-2015 5:59pm

He fancied his chances with someone new in someplace new and the fact he was on a dating website can attest to that. Now he's back with his tail between his legs and wants you back; Id tell him to jog on.

strobe · 24-01-2015 6:19pm

There's no way I'd engage in a year long period of long distance relationship with a girl I was only seeing 11 months no matter how crazy I was about her. Even long established relationships (several years when having lived together etc) can be incredibly hard to keep together over that kind of period of long distance. I'd of done the same in his position. I think a lot of people would be the same. Take from that what you will.

LegacyUser · 25-01-2015 1:10am

anna080 wrote: »

He fancied his chances with someone new in someplace new and the fact he was on a dating website can attest to that. Now he's back with his tail between his legs and wants you back; Id tell him to jog on.

That may be the case, but even so, is it not worth giving it another go? Maybe the time apart has allowed him to see how good the relationship was. I'm not trying to defend his actions, just trying to see it from his point of view. And if I'm honest, I was on the dating website as well. But I think it was more as an attempt to get over him.

strobe wrote: »

There's no way I'd engage in a year long period of long distance relationship with a girl I was only seeing 11 months no matter how crazy I was about her. Even long established relationships (several years when having lived together etc) can be incredibly hard to keep together over that kind of period of long distance. I'd of done the same in his position. I think a lot of people would be the same. Take from that what you will.

I can see what you mean. I thought it would have worked, but I'm sure it would have been very difficult for both of us and that's probably why he said to try again when he came back. What I can't explain is why he broke up with me a few months before he was to travel. Why not keep it going until the last day in the country?

Holsten · 25-01-2015 1:18am

I've been in this situation before and it worked out fine.

If you want to do it, then do it. Every relationship has the risk of heartbreak, if you just met the person or you've been together previously.

Who knows, if you're both at the right time it could go the whole way or last a month or two, you'll never know unless you give it a shot.

B.A._Baracus · 25-01-2015 6:01am

Sorry to hear your situation.
But sadly your post reads of that "she is soooo getting used"

To him you are not Mrs Right. You are Mrs Right Now.
He dumped you because he was going away and then went on dating sites to get some fun before he went away. Now that he is back.... well he is back to square-one, right?

Op, this is logic 101 and as a person you are better than what he is offering.

LegacyUser · 25-01-2015 7:30pm

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Sorry to hear your situation.
But sadly your post reads of that "she is soooo getting used"

Used how? What is he gaining from doing this?

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

To him you are not Mrs Right. You are Mrs Right Now.
He dumped you because he was going away and then went on dating sites to get some fun before he went away. Now that he is back.... well he is back to square-one, right?

His excuse is that he was too busy and couldn't give 100% to the relationship. I did and maybe still do have my doubts, but he is adamant that this is the truth, even after I pushed him many times about the real reasons, both when we broke up and recently.

The reason why I think he might be telling the truth is that when he broke up with me, he said we would start the relationship again when he got back. Of course I thought this was just to soften the blow and that he had no feelings for me anymore. But he has stayed true to his word.

Lets just say it is the worst case scenario, he didn't have strong feelings for me, broke up so that he could try the dating scene again. Didn't like what he saw, and realised that he shouldn't have broken up with me. Is that so bad? I'm sure everyone gets the grass is greener syndrome. I know I felt it sometimes during our relationship.

I don't know if this has any bearing on the situation, but it was his first real relationship as well.

I realise I come across as defending him, but I don't want to throw away an opportunity to be with someone I really care about just because he broke up with me once before.

retro:electro · 25-01-2015 10:01pm

Get back with him so?

Chucky the tree · 25-01-2015 10:09pm

I'd probably give him another chance. He seems to have acted pretty honestly about things so far.

TheBeardedLady · 25-01-2015 10:39pm

It sounds like you want to, so you should give it a chance. What is your gut telling you? You know him and the kind of guy he is better than us.

Tasden · 25-01-2015 10:41pm

Tbh op it seems from your posts in response to the advice/opinions you've been given that you've kind of already made your mind up. That you just have doubts and wanted people to reassure you or give some positive anecdotes to ease your doubts?

And there's nothing wrong with wanting to get back with him despite having concerns, the heart wants what it wants, and I know when I'm in similar positions I just go with my heart over my head (sometimes regret it mind you) because I know if I don't I'll end up with what ifs. Its better, imo, to try and end up hurt than not try and end up looking back questioning it. If it works out then that's great, if it doesn't then at least you can say you gave it a shot and now know for definite its over.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

cactusgal · 25-01-2015 10:41pm

But if he was really into you, he wouldn't have broken up with you a full 3 months before he left. And he would have made an effort to keep in some sort of contact with you while he was away, even if he didn't want to do a full on long distance relationship.

strobe · 26-01-2015 12:05am

jolie90 wrote: »

I can see what you mean. I thought it would have worked, but I'm sure it would have been very difficult for both of us and that's probably why he said to try again when he came back. What I can't explain is why he broke up with me a few months before he was to travel. Why not keep it going until the last day in the country?

Perhaps that was when he broke it off as that was when he'd decided he wasn't up for doing the long distance? If it was me there would be no way I'd let things go on another three months at that stage, it just wouldn't seem like a very fair thing to do to me, continue in a relationship with someone knowing I'd already decided to end it in three months time. That'd be how I'd think about it in his place anyway.

Merkin · 26-01-2015 6:19am

I don't think you need to throw yourself headlong into a relationship with him. He dumped you so he needs to put some leg work into getting you back

I'd agree to a date but I'd take it very very slow and I certainly wouldn't just be falling into his arms overnight. If he's serious about making a go of things with you then let him show you just that. Agreeing to just blithely get back with him without question would be silly. Spend some time with him and use it wisely to suss out if he is serious.

pookie82 · 26-01-2015 10:41am

Merkin wrote: »

I don't think you need to throw yourself headlong into a relationship with him. He dumped you so he needs to put some leg work into getting you back I'd agree to a date but I'd take it very very slow and I certainly wouldn't just be falling into his arms overnight. If he's serious about making a go of things with you then let him show you just that. Agreeing to just blithely get back with him without question would be silly. Spend some time with him and use it wisely to suss out if he is serious.

This, a thousand times. You seem to have already made up your mind that you want to give him another shot, but make it clear that it'll be a trial period of sorts. Don't just give in and go "ok, we're an item again, yay!"

And if he has issue with that then he's taking the proverbial, because he should be glad that you're even open to that much. Maybe he decided long distance wasn't for him and that's fine, but he broke up with you THREE MONTHS before he was leaving? Sounds like he got carried away with the idea of a new life and seeing if the grass was greener, he didn't even give LD a shot.

I'd be concerned that the only reason he's getting back with you is "nothing better came along" and it's the obvious and comfortable thing to do. You said you didn't even hear from him on his year away? That speaks volumes. Really, I'd be very wary that this is all just a little too "convenient" for him.

If I was in your position I'd be making it clear I didn't just sit around here ready for the taking when he came back. Agree to date again for a while and see how it goes.

LegacyUser · 26-01-2015 8:42pm

strobe wrote: »

Perhaps that was when he broke it off as that was when he'd decided he wasn't up for doing the long distance? If it was me there would be no way I'd let things go on another three months at that stage, it just wouldn't seem like a very fair thing to do to me, continue in a relationship with someone knowing I'd already decided to end it in three months time. That'd be how I'd think about it in his place anyway.

I never thought of it like that.

But it still doesn't explain fully why he never even talked to me since the break up.

The only reasons I can think of are either a) he wasn't really into me or b) he was really into me and couldn't face talking to me. I'm probably being a bit optimistic with the second one.

How can I be sure he is serious and not just looking for an easy fall back plan?

Stavro Mueller · 27-01-2015 12:35am

If only there was a foolproof way of knowing whether he's genuine or treading water until a better offer comes along. The only advice I'd give you is to take things slowly, don't fall into bed with him and go with what your gut instinct is telling you. I have to admit I'd be on the cynical side of the fence, though not so much that I'd not give him the benefit of the doubt. There's always the chance that he came to realise what a fool he had been. You seem to want to give it another go and that's fair enough. You'd probably regret it if you didn't give it another try to see.

strobe · 27-01-2015 1:04am

jolie90 wrote: »

I never thought of it like that.

But it still doesn't explain fully why he never even talked to me since the break up.

The only reasons I can think of are either a) he wasn't really into me or b) he was really into me and couldn't face talking to me. I'm probably being a bit optimistic with the second one.

How can I be sure he is serious and not just looking for an easy fall back plan?

To be honest there's c,d,e and f as well, just right off the top of my head (doesn't really matter what those things are though).

Just like Merkin said, meet up with the guy once or twice and just see where things go. Treat it just like you would with someone new (you weren't together that long, 11 months probably seems long to you but it really isn't in the grand scheme of things, he's been away longer than you two were together so it may as well be a new thing) and see how it pans out. Just play it by ear for now. Meet up, go out, have fun, don't rush right back into a full on relationship, get to know each other, and take it a step at a time.

pookie82 · 27-01-2015 4:42pm

jolie90 wrote: »

I never thought of it like that.

But it still doesn't explain fully why he never even talked to me since the break up.

The only reasons I can think of are either a) he wasn't really into me or b) he was really into me and couldn't face talking to me. I'm probably being a bit optimistic with the second one.

How can I be sure he is serious and not just looking for an easy fall back plan?

The only person who can really answer those questions is HIM. Why don’t you ask him for an honest chat before you make any decisions. Sit him down face to face. Ask him why exactly over an entire year away (during many special occasions like birthdays/Valentine’s/Christmas etc.) he never thought to drop you so much as a “thinking of you” line? I wouldn’t let him squirm his way out of that with a “I missed you too much” excuse... that doesn’t really cut it. People cut all contact when they need or intend to move on and never look back. It seems utterly selfish of him to decide that while he was away he couldn’t so much as check you were still alive, but now he’s back he wants to fall right back into the old routine. I can’t really understand how he thinks that’s acceptable or why you wouldn’t question him on it.

How has he approached this idea of getting back together? Is he acting like it was always a given? Like it’s a no brainer? You need to ask him why he came to this decision, what the silence was about when he was away... was he seeing other people? Did that not work out? What makes him think that someone he left for a solid year without so much as a “how are you” is the one he wants to be with now?

Only he can answer you.

An Bhanríon · 28-01-2015 10:20am

I would go with your gut feeling on this one. If you love the idea of getting back with him, why not. As long as he is prepared to make a proper effort and that would include taking things slowly at the start if that is what you want.

Looking back at my relationship with my husband there were a few times when I know people would have said to me I was being strung along by him, because of what his actions APPEARED to be showing. But I knew deep down he was (a) being very straight with me, and (b) making some very quick decisions because he didn't want to deal with the nasty in-between areas of a relationship, e.g. having to make big decisions about the future or having to deal with a long drawn out break up (we broke up once and got back together again after a few months). Some people are very straight forward and practical and don't play games! (Not many, I will admit, but they do exist.)

At least if you give it a try and it doesn't work out you won't be wondering for ever 'what if'.

milli milli · 28-01-2015 11:43am

Op this guy broke your heart. He dumped you. As someone else said, in the space of a year, he never wished you a happy birthday, never checked to see if you were actually alive.
He said he was busy for a relationship and yet he was on dating websites.
He expected you to wait around for him for a year and in all fairness, you effectively have.

You want to get back with him, you seem to be ignoring all the advice people have given you to the contrary.

I know what it's like to be really, really into someone, that you ignore all the red flags. But speaking as an outsider, and please for a minute, step back, and objectively would you want this situation for a close friend?

I would be telling my friend she was worth so much more. Who's to say, she'll get dumped again, when something better comes along?
Please OP, with the greatest respect to you, have some respect for yourself.

Chucky the tree · 28-01-2015 11:45am

milli milli wrote: »

Op this guy broke your heart. He dumped you. As someone else said, in the space of a year, he never wished you a happy birthday, never checked to see if you were actually alive.
He said he was busy for a relationship and yet he was on dating websites.
He expected you to wait around for him for a year and in all fairness, you effectively have.

You want to get back with him, you seem to be ignoring all the advice people have given you to the contrary.

I know what it's like to be really, really into someone, that you ignore all the red flags. But speaking as an outsider, and please for a minute, step back, and objectively would you want this situation for a close friend?

I would be telling my friend she was worth so much more. Who's to say, she'll get dumped again, when something better comes along?
Please OP, with the greatest respect to you, have some respect for yourself.

Lots of people who don't want relationships are on dating sites.

ShaShaBear · 30-01-2015 2:13pm

I'd have been all on for giving him a second chance, except for the complete lack of contact with you during the break-up. Who dumps their woman, disappears and cuts contact and then just tells them a year later "Yeah, we can get back together now..."

I was in your EXACT position with an ex - he was moving abroad, and we split up three months before he was due to go (although I was happy with this split) and there wasn't a peep out of him until he heard through the grapevine that I was dating his friend's ex-boyfriend. Then the messages started "Oh, remember that time we thought you were pregnant, having to stay in Ireland with you wouldn't have been all bad", "You know, I never got to take you to Paris like I planned" (he never so much as took me out to dinner). He basically panicked as he thought I was so madly in love with him that I would still be here as his relationship life-boat if things didn't work out in America. He said all sorts of things that he never said during the relationship to try and hook me in.

On a side note, when my partner and I started dating, he was booked to travel to Florida to live with family and work because he was so sick of life here. Three months in he cancelled, then we moved in together, got engaged and had our daughter, and we are trying again for what he hopes will be another girl. He never regretted it - take from that what you will!

Should I get back with my ex?

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