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what would you think?

2

Comments

  • #52
    Keyzer
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,331 ✭✭✭Keyzer


    How long were you together?


  • #53
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    The suddenness is hitting me the hardestbut honestly the messages here really help me. Thanks so much. Having the odd fit of crying but I've been through worse and things could be worse. It really is a shock to the system though. This will make me wiser hopefully!! I'm going to try look forward and not dwell too much.


  • #54
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Keyzer wrote: »
    How long were you together?

    2 yrs


  • #55
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    The suddenness is hitting me the hardestbut honestly the messages here really help me. Thanks so much. Having the odd fit of crying but I've been through worse and things could be worse. It really is a shock to the system though. This will make me wiser hopefully!! I'm going to try look forward and not dwell too much.

    Its honestly more just a case of breaking the habit than anything else I find. As heartless as that sounds :pac:

    You're used to him being around, having him to tell your news to, going certain places with him- that's just whats normal to you for the past two years, takes time to get used to the change and the habit/routine of all that, but once you do you'll start feeling better :)


  • #56
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Op you don't need to get wiser. This was the first sigh of trouble and you acted appropriately under the circumstances. Don't beat yourself up on any level about this.


  • #57
    bp
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,731 ✭✭✭bp


    Hi OP you were very brave and his reaction was very strange. Catch up with your friends and keep busy


  • #58
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Thought I'd update you. I'd a room sorted to move into and was back in house packing my stuff. He had said he'd be away for a few days to let me get organised. Wasnt feeling the mae west but was glad I had a room organised in a nice house at least. So packing away and he arrives. I was due to arrive at new house in an hr. He starts talking, explaining and apologising. He doesn't want me to go. So with a very tired mind I'd to decide what to do. I was aware I'd promised a person I'd take their room. But having little time to think and taking all he said into consideration I decided to stay and see how things go. He said Iit would be too many steps back moving out altogether.
    What a week and now feel like an eijit for asking all your advice but am so grateful too. I haven't forgotten all that was said. I felt I had to be honest and update you. I'm not as strong as ye thought.
    But definitely definitely if there are serious problems again or he tells me move out I'll know what to do. Sorry for all drama it was unintended.


  • #59
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Big mistake. Have you totally forgotten the reason this all started?


  • #60
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    So after all you have been through the result is that he now knows he can get away with having an affair with just a bit of sweet talk. OP your setting yourself up for more heartache down the road.


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  • #61
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    I know. I was under pressure to decide.


  • #62
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    I know. I was under pressure to decide.

    Did he give believable explanations for lying to you, losing the handle and telling you to move out?

    Even if he did, the most important question is - can you trust him? If you can't, the relationship is over.


  • #63
    shalalala
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,710 ✭✭✭shalalala


    Hi OP, none of us can judge, it is not our relationship or our heart. You have to rebuild the trust. Whether or not this can be done is another story. He firstly has to admit that he has done something wrong before you can even start to get over it.

    Good luck OP.


  • #64
    whats_my_name
    Registered Users Posts: 221 ✭✭whats_my_name


    It's all fine & dandy for people sitting behind a computer to tell you how to live your life, as well intended & from as a good as a place it comes from but at the end of the day it's your life & your living through this situation yourself, none of us. When any of our friends confide in us & tell us problems in their relationship we can be very quick to advise them to get out & not put up with anything but when it comes to our own relationship it's not as easy to use the same advice we would give a friend.

    So your back in the house & back with him, first things first, you need to address his behaviour & why he reacted like that. Tell him your feeling insecure at the mo & this has really started to make you question if all is what it seems & he will need to be completely honest with you, so the next time his phone rings & you ask him who it is, he doesn't jump on the defensive.


  • #65
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    The first time I doubted him was when he said blocked no. I didnt think he was having an affair as such, it was more the lie and angry scenario. He admits he did wrong and feels awful for forcing me out. He said that would never happen again. He says he said blocked no as he was tired and didnt want to talk about work and that the name was entered wrong. I accept that. He was cheated on himself and I've no other reason to doubt him.
    I had to think of everything the whole two yrs. The trust is there. The worst was having to leave for 2 nts. I've made rash decisions in the past and don't want to throw away 2yrs on a big misunderstanding.


  • #66
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    It's up to you what you do, but it doesn't sound as though he's given you any explanation.

    Okay, so say he's telling the truth about the call - he did it to avoid talking about work.

    So, why was it less stressful to kick you out of your home than to speak about work?


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  • #67
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    So basically he threatened you so that you either left (which he now knows you wont go through with) or else you put up and shut up. He isn't offering anything new here, he just left you long enough to realise that if you question him again he has no problem actually breaking up to avoid a fight. And now he knows you're going to go back to him every time he treats you wrong because he doesn't have to answer to you.


  • #68
    Colser
    Registered Users Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    Ask to see his recent phone bills OP...thats what did it for me..no way would he let me see them...I know how you feel..Its an awful body blow when it happens out of the blue but what Ive found is that I could believe the excuses/lies for a day or two and then I was back to square one again in absolute bits...Once the trust is gone I dont think you ever can go back to how things were...Take Care


  • #69
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,384 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    OP, I completely understand why you are back. It's incredibly difficult to walk away from a relationship. Even more so when the other person is begging and promising. But, I think this is the beginning of the end for your relationship. I think it will all go back to normal for a while, but I think it will be short lived.

    I may be completely wrong, but we've seen it all before, many times. There is something more to that phone call then he is telling you. It might not be the phone call exactly, but there is something he is not telling you. At least if/when the time comes that you decide to call it a day you won't have regrets that you didn't try.

    Good luck to you, I do hope things will work out for you.


  • #70
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Colser wrote: »
    Ask to see his recent phone bills OP...thats what did it for me..no way would he let me see them...I know how you feel..Its an awful body blow when it happens out of the blue but what Ive found is that I could believe the excuses/lies for a day or two and then I was back to square one again in absolute bits...Once the trust is gone I dont think you ever can go back to how things were...Take Care

    Honestly, I would think that asking to see phone bills is an indication that trust is long gone, and if a partner asked me to show mine I'd say no even if i was 100% innocent, then again the OPs boyfriend is hardly acting innocent so it could be argued that the onus is on him to prove his innocence in this case


  • #71
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    OP I hope this works out for you but to be honest this still stinks to the high heavens. I can't help but think you panicked after you left him and any sort of half-arsed excuse from your boyfriend would've been enough to get you back.

    His over-reaction to that phone call is not explained by someone who's number has just been dialled by Mary from accounts. Why the lies, the shouting, the saying of hurtful things and the demanding that you apologise? I think you know this but you're not prepared to take it on board.

    Anyway you've made your decision now. I hope it works out for you whatever way it goes.


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  • #72
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    OP I hope this works out for you but to be honest this still stinks to the high heavens. I can't help but think you panicked after you left him and any sort of half-arsed excuse from your boyfriend would've been enough to get you back.

    His over-reaction to that phone call is not explained by someone who's number has just been dialled by Mary from accounts. Why the lies, the shouting, the saying of hurtful things and the demanding that you apologise? I think you know this but you're not prepared to take it on board.

    Anyway you've made your decision now. I hope it works out for you whatever way it goes.

    I know. On thurs I was packing and almost ready for my new place. He had said he wouldnt be around and would leave me to sort my stuff. I wasnt panicking at all. When he arrived asking me to stay I'd very little time to think. A big part of me thought keep packing and leave. It was small part of me that gave in and gave him benefit of the doubt. I've been thinking have I done the right thing. But I cant keep thinking like this. I either have to leave and move on or stay and move on. I was leaving, literally an hour after he arrived I'd have paid the deposit. His overreaction was massive. I havent forgotten.


  • #73
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I'm very surprised op. How are things since? Has he been fully open? Is he expected ye to be intimate and just back to normal already? Do you trust him?


  • #74
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I'm very surprised op. How are things since? Has he been fully open? Is he expected ye to be intimate and just back to normal already? Do you trust him?

    He has been as open as he's going to get I'd say. I trust him but things are not the same.


  • #75
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    He has been as open as he's going to get I'd say. I trust him but things are not the same.

    As open as he's going to get? So he's holding back and not being completely upfront and honest?


  • #76
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Tasden wrote: »
    As open as he's going to get? So he's holding back and not being completely upfront and honest?

    He's saying the same about the call so I'll have to take his word for it if I stay


  • #77
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I just want to say OP, that just because you were pressured into making a decision on the spot, it doesn't mean you can't change your mind.


  • #78
    December2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    I know. I was under pressure to decide.

    Why were you under pressure? Couldn't you have moved out but stayed in the relationship?


  • #79
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,122 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    I know. On thurs I was packing and almost ready for my new place. He had said he wouldnt be around and would leave me to sort my stuff. I wasnt panicking at all. When he arrived asking me to stay I'd very little time to think. A big part of me thought keep packing and leave. It was small part of me that gave in and gave him benefit of the doubt. I've been thinking have I done the right thing. But I cant keep thinking like this. I either have to leave and move on or stay and move on. I was leaving, literally an hour after he arrived I'd have paid the deposit. His overreaction was massive. I havent forgotten.

    He wasn't exactly chasing after you begging to be given another chance. He waited until an hour before you would be completely moved out and up-ended your difficult decision to leave. He's churning up chaos again because he knows its far easier to maintain the upper hand over someone whose worn out, hurt and whose living situation is in limbo. It sounds like he cruely tested your boundaries and was surprised you were actually taking steps to leave so he reeled you back in when you were vulnerable.

    Even if he is genuinely apologetic and willing to work on his anger problems, you would have been in a far stronger position to be set up with your own separate accommodation. It would mean he would have to work harder to win you back and he'd know you were not going to take that kind of treatment again.

    Id be worried he now knows he can throw a hurtful damaging strop over nothing and there will be no negative consequences for him.


  • #80
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    You're right - things won't be the same again. What do you think you'll do next time you need to ask your partner a question he won't like answering? I'd bet the farm that you'll keep schtum for fear of starting another row. Am I right? I doubt it'll be over his phone though. He's not going to be leaving that lying around any more just in case you clap eyes on other strange calls/texts coming in.

    I get the impression you're not 100% happy with your decision to go back to him. That's OK..give yourself time to think and decide where to from now. If you find yourself treading on eggshells and afraid to make him mad you've got your answer.


  • #81
    Pippy1976
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,047 ✭✭✭Pippy1976


    Oh, God, as people will know from my (long, drawn out) story:

    DO NOT LET THE 'I'VE BEEN CHEATED ON IN THE PAST' NOOSE AROUND YOUR NECK HOLD YOU BACK.

    Your partner should not use that as a stick to beat you with. I think you should leave. This guy sounds like my ex: 'unless you do XX you can pack your bags and get out. Or, if you're not home, I'll throw your stuff out on the road'.

    Your story makes me nervous....


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  • #82
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Just want to thank you all again. I know you're right and I'm kicking myself that I didnt leave that day. I really dont think I can spend the rest of my days with him. He has been ott a few times since I met him. The thing is I know I have the strength to move on and that he isnt the man for me.


  • #83
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    Just want to thank you all again. I know you're right and I'm kicking myself that I didn't leave that day. I really don't think I can spend the rest of my days with him. He has been ott a few times since I met him. The thing is I know I have the strength to move on and that he isn't the man for me.

    When you're leaving, do you have anyone who can come along and be a physical presence? Preferably a brother/cousin/male friend? Seeing as this guy has a bit of form, it's unlikely he's going to stand on the doorstep and wave as you drive away.


  • #84
    anniemay1948
    Registered Users Posts: 28 ✭anniemay1948


    Is it just me or does anyone agree that life was simpler before mobile phones??


  • #85
    Tokyo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,655 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    anniemay1948 - seeing as you are a new poster here, I'd ask you to take the time to read the forum charter before posting again. PI isn't a general discussion forum and such posts are not allowed. Please keep your posts on topic and relevant to the OP's issue in future.

    Regards,
    Mike


  • #86
    logic
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 938 ✭✭✭logic


    Did he put you under pressure to make the decision "Now or never" type situation? Looking in from the outside its probably easier making the decision but I would have moved out for a while, even just to let him know how serious it was. Is the room gone now? If he hasn't done anything to make up for it, might be considering moving out for a while.


  • #87
    Hotman
    Registered Users Posts: 124 ✭✭Hotman


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    He said colleague was female, one he has mentioned before. But the spelling is way off which would be unlike him. No he didnt call anyone back. There's nothing coming up.

    He's lying. Ask him to text the number to say "i have a missed call from you sorry i was busy, whats up?" if he says no, he's pretty much up sh*t creek


  • #88
    jessiejam
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 778 ✭✭✭jessiejam


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    Just want to thank you all again. I know you're right and I'm kicking myself that I didnt leave that day. I really dont think I can spend the rest of my days with him. He has been ott a few times since I met him. The thing is I know I have the strength to move on and that he isnt the man for me.

    You poor thing, I know a little about what being in your situation is like. The part in bold above is your decision already made about your relationship. If you feel you have the strength now, do what is right for you now. Because if he continues being "OTT" regularly and acting as you described, it will wear you down to the point you no longer have the strength to do anything about it.

    Being in a non trusting domineering relationship is wearing to put it mildly. You seem like a really nice person and i'm sure one day you will look back and realise that you made the right choice.

    Good luck


  • #89
    Pippy1976
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,047 ✭✭✭Pippy1976


    jessiejam wrote: »
    it will wear you down to the point you no longer have the strength to do anything about it... Being in a non trusting domineering relationship is wearing to put it mildly.

    Hit the nail on the head here. It'll wear you down.

    I can't understand why he went from zero to freak-out if he'd nothing to hide. There's something going on here and don't be the mug he makes you out to be by sticking around.

    Best of luck
    pips


  • #90
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Ye were right. I've left for good this time. At least now I know for sure that I've made the right decision. Thanks for all your advice 5 months ago!


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  • #91
    allym
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,368 ✭✭✭allym


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    Ye were right. I've left for good this time. At least now I know for sure that I've made the right decision. Thanks for all your advice 5 months ago!

    What happened to make you leave, 5 months later? Are you ok? Did things get better at all?

    Glad to hear that you've left though.


  • #92
    Katgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,144 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    Are you doing ok?


  • #93
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    allym wrote: »
    What happened to make you leave, 5 months later? Are you ok? Did things get better at all?

    Glad to hear that you've left though.

    They got better in every way except trust. I had lost trust and he still was v secretive with his phone. I decided to check it to reassure myself that I was imagining things but I found stuff. My inkling was right. I confronted him about it but he can't fully explain himself. What he did say was too farfetched.


  • #94
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    They got better in every way except trust. I had lost trust and he still was v secretive with his phone. I decided to check it to reassure myself that I was imagining things but I found stuff. My inkling was right. I confronted him about it but he can't fully explain himself. What he did say was too farfetched.

    Glad to see you finally left. Hopefully when you read back through this thread again you can see what we all saw months ago. The implausible lies (blocked numbers don't come through on phones-that's why they're blocked) and how he bullied you into coming back. It would be great if you learned from this and got better at interpreting the warning signs.


  • #95
    ladygirl
    Registered Users Posts: 187 ✭✭ladygirl


    Good for you for having the strength to follow your gut instinct...

    Wishing you all the best
    xxx


  • #96
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Just to add, since I moved out he has turned into such a nasty person. I have not met him but we text partially to do with getting rest of my stuff. He has shocked me how hateful the messages are. Pure anger and agression. He is completely blaming me.

    It is actually making it easier to accept. But I do feel shocked that I lived with a stranger for 2.5 yrs. I know I'd doubts 6 months ago but I actually didn't know how horrible he could be.

    I'm going to get help with my self esteem as it seems to go out the window with the men I meet. I really need tobe single for a while and make sure I sort that issue out.

    Thanks again


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  • #97
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Great call on working on yourself for a bit.
    Be prepared for him to switch it up a gear when he sees his vitreol is not having the desired effect. Either he will just give up (more likely if you just totally ignore him), or he'lol get nastier (keep a record and if you need to goto the Gardai) or he might turn in the water works, claiming he's ill or something and that he really needs your help, you're the only one who understands him and how could you just abandon him like that...

    Will keep my fingers crossed it's #1 and he shortly gets the hint but good call on walking away from this loser.


  • #98
    aceholder
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭aceholder


    Typer Monkey wrote: »
    That's a massive overreaction. What's your supposed crime? Having the audacity to call him out on a lie? Massive alarm bells here. Shouting at you and putting you down is an attempt to distract you from what you saw. Sounds like he's being deceptive

    I am going through problems with my husband where he had an emotional affair with a work colleague over the past year, this woman rang my husband when he was at home in bed over a year ago and a giant red flag was raised in my mind and when I confronted him he got angry and said she is just a work friend so I let it go, now I've found phone bills with loads of calls and texts to her and they have all been deleted from his phone, he had no choice but admit there was something going on, I am kicking myself now that I didnt trust my gut instincts in the first place I think your husband lied to you for a reason, he didnt want you to know about this woman, my reaction would be exactly why not? what else is he hiding?


  • #99
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    aceholder wrote: »
    I am going through problems with my husband where he had an emotional affair with a work colleague over the past year, this woman rang my husband when he was at home in bed over a year ago and a giant red flag was raised in my mind and when I confronted him he got angry and said she is just a work friend so I let it go, now I've found phone bills with loads of calls and texts to her and they have all been deleted from his phone, he had no choice but admit there was something going on, I am kicking myself now that I didnt trust my gut instincts in the first place I think your husband lied to you for a reason, he didnt want you to know about this woman, my reaction would be exactly why not? what else is he hiding?

    I read what you're going through and my heart goes out to you too. It's sickening and shocking. I hardly want my mind to wander to the possibilities of what he did. I can't yet. But I'm gone thank god. I know you're married which is a million times harder. I really hope you're ok I wouldn't wish it on anyone x


  • #100
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    It's a hard time. He's blaming it all on me, that I left him and don't want him. I was ignoring and not contacting, then I started as I wanted answers. It's so painful.


  • #101
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Go back to ignoring. Contact just won't work. You will get lies, blame, guilt tripping all designed to chip away at you even more.

    Block his number, update your FB privacy settings but really stop torturing yourself and take the time you need to heal. Not kidding these types of breakups can be extremely traumatic, and you might well benefit from finding someone to talk to - a friend or a professional.

    It will get better, day by day. Some days will suck, but one day not that far away you'll turn that corner. It will come sooner when you make the complete break and learn to forgive yourself.


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