can my husband love me again?

xserenity · 30-01-2015 11:54am #1

Hi everybody, i'm new here but i would really appreciate some advices and support.I'm married for almost 11 years.Our relationship is great except the sexual part and so in time we probably became best friends...Yes I know it was firstly my fault but then he's not a good talker therefore the communication regarding this issue was left aside.My husband is the best in world, he helps me with everything and supports me in all the decision and so I do when is about him.Moreover I was the person who convinced and empower him to get a better lifestyle, a better social status and a better job.And I'm not sorry about it, I'm proud we manage to get this together.But a few day ago he came home and told me our relationship is over and he loves me but like a sister and he is in love with somebody else.And so my world fall apart!!!We talked and talked and I realise I love him more then everything in life and I want him for me and forever.I told him theses and i asked for another chance and he decided to stay with me and give it our best try to be happy again and to forget about the other women whom he says he love, the met only once and they kissed once but they were taking and sending phone messages for almost half a year.They realise they fall in love only before Christmas and they kissed last week.He promised me he'll never contact her( she's also married but she has a child, we don't).All these happened less then a week ago, and we feel so attracted by each other, we had amazing sex, we talked a lot about what happened but he's misses her and lover her.What do you think I can do to help him no thinking at her at all and reconnect with me shortyl?

vandriver · 30-01-2015 12:52pm

I'd take the just kissed bit with a pinch of salt.

Toots · 30-01-2015 1:08pm

OP I've moved your thread to the Relationship Issues Forum, I think it is better suited here.

Posters please note that the Relationship Issues charter now applies to this thread.

Chemical Byrne · 30-01-2015 1:13pm

I doubt he loves her, I mean he only met her once or twice. He doesn't REALLY know her it is just an infatuation/lust.

He still loves you he says, you should take it forward from there. Hopefully it will work out.

xserenity · 30-01-2015 1:18pm

I'm sure it was just one kissed.He respects me a lot and he feel miserable he lied to me and made me suffer so much.I asked him many questions about what happened and he gave me the answer even if it was the most painful one.I believe he'll never lie to me again.He told me he would never have imagined I could be so strong and he admires me more and i'm an amazing woman.( i might be silly but i believed every word)

ceadaoin. · 30-01-2015 1:24pm

And you're ok with him being in love with someone else? Many people would be able to forgive a kiss, but for it to progress to the point that he thinks he loves her, it must be going on a while.

There is a thing called hysterical bonding that often happens when you find out your spouse has been having an affair. It sounds like you may be experiencing this. Eventually that will wear off and you will be left with a husband who has been unfaithful and was on the verge of leaving you for someone else. Ultimately, it is him who should be proving to you that he loves you, not you desperately trying to make him pick you over the other woman.

And it would be quite rare to leave a marriage for just a kiss.

xserenity · 30-01-2015 2:16pm

Well...i think i hope he's just messed up and confused and it's not really love he feels for her.And I'm not ok with him being in love with somebody else but i'm ok with the fact that we'll try to reconnect and i love him so much and I hope he'll love me as much as he use to do.

LegacyUser · 30-01-2015 4:08pm

Google "The Pick Me Dance"

Cos thats what you're doing.

And yeah, the sex is classic Hysterical Bonding. It passes after a while, and you're left deflated and confused. And now feeling under desperate pressure to shag him to keep him from thinking about the other woman.

There is no point doing jack without couples counselling. He's been having an emotional affair for 6 months, and it was escalating rapidly. He planned on leaving you. As in, sat at home watching TV with you and silently MADE PLANS TO LEAVE YOU. That wasn't your fault - that was his CHOICE.

If he's in love with another woman and not at all in love with you, then all the shagging in the world won't fix it.

dudara · 30-01-2015 4:56pm

I highly doubt that it was just a kiss. He's possbily trying to cushion you from the worst of the details.

Before you can do anything to repair your relationship, you might have honesty. Otherwise, you will be building on false foundations.

xserenity · 30-01-2015 5:06pm

Probably you are right and I'm just humiliating myself here

bee06 · 30-01-2015 5:28pm

xserenity wrote: »

I'm sure it was just one kissed.He respects me a lot and he feel miserable he lied to me and made me suffer so much.I asked him many questions about what happened and he gave me the answer even if it was the most painful one.I believe he'll never lie to me again.He told me he would never have imagined I could be so strong and he admires me more and i'm an amazing woman.( i might be silly but i believed every word)

He doesn't really respect you if he was having an emotional affair for 6 months.

xserenity · 30-01-2015 5:28pm

Sorry Duadura I've just seen your message. It was a kiss and 2 days letter he told me as he couldn't keep it for himself.He was suffering, didn't eat for two days and lost 1.5 stones in 2 weeks

LegacyUser · 30-01-2015 5:46pm

Do you actually feel sorry for him??

Seriously?!

Can you not see the betrayal here? Do you think he didn't pour his heart out to yer wan about you? No doubt he had her feeling sorry for him too, the poor lamb with the sexless marriage.

dudara · 30-01-2015 6:02pm

xserenity wrote: »

Sorry Duadura I've just seen your message. It was a kiss and 2 days letter he told me as he couldn't keep it for himself.He was suffering, didn't eat for two days and lost 1.5 stones in 2 weeks

Stop feeling sorry for him for a bit and ask for the truth. All of it. I bet you that there is more to this story than that.

Relationships can be fixed, not everything is an immediate FAIL in a relationship. But full disclosure and honesty is required first.

The Princess Bride · 30-01-2015 6:07pm

xserenity wrote: »

I'm married for almost 11 years.Our relationship is great except the sexual part and so in time we probably became best friends...he loves me but like a sister and he is in love with somebody else.

This didn't happen overnight, your relationship changed and he didn't want a great relationship with a best friend, he wanted more.

xserenity wrote: »

I realise I love him more then everything in life and I want him for me and forever...... we feel so attracted by each other, we had amazing sex, we talked a lot about what happened but he's misses her and lover her.

I think it's rather sad that it took for him to tell you he'd met someone else, for you to realise that you loved him. What's to say if he stays with you, that things won't revert to the sister/brother /best friends relationship?

xserenity wrote: »

What do you think I can do to help him no thinking at her at all and reconnect with me shortly?

Nothing- only he can decide if he can move on and forget her, it won't be easy, if he felt they had an emotional bond, that isn't gonna disappear overnight.

ceadaoin wrote:

And it would be quite rare to leave a marriage for just a kiss.

I agree 100%, nobody walks away from, or even considers walking away from a longterm relationship, just because of a kiss.It looks like the emotional connection with this woman was something he craved because it was no longer in your relationship together.

Best of luck OP, I think you need to take time to look back over your years together and ask why things really changed. The two of you have a lot of communicating to do.
It's not too late- but- you both have to want to save your relationship, not just you.

athtrasna · 31-01-2015 6:10am

Consider couples counselling, it's worth a try.

xserenity · 31-01-2015 9:18am

We consider it.But he said we are on the right track now as we talked about our relationship and how and why we fall apart,we spend more time together now taking,hugging ,kissing,having dinner out,and so one.I bought a self therapy book and we'll read it together

Taltos · 31-01-2015 9:34am

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP.

It's great you are both trying to turn your relationship around however, please reconsider counselling, either together or as a couple. A self help book is great but it won't ask you the tough questions, at worst it will just paper over the cracks until next time.

You've a few issues you both need to address and having a 3rd party guide you through that minefield is what they are there for, they help you avoid the blame or self hate game that even now you seem to be in. Your first post is so much about how it was your fault, and yes while you may have had a part to play you didn't choose to start a relationship with another person, nor did you choose to kiss them. See how that works?

There are a few groups in our charter, there are others on Google, even if your husband won't go and talk you really should consider it for yourself.

LegacyUser · 01-02-2015 2:48am

OP: you are in shock. Step back, and reevaluate the situation. The question should not be can he love you again, but can you love him again?
Stop feeling sorry for him, he's a tool.
Stop making excuses for him and feeling sorry for him. I know (from past experience) that you want nothing but everything to be back the way it once was....but it can never be. Down the line , when the dust settles, resentment kicks in. You will question yourself...and thoughts like -if I wasn't enough for you then, when you played away from home, how am I enough now...etc etc, the list of questions in your head will eat you up.
Step back, give yourself time to truly think things through. Maybe you are the type of person who CAN forgive, but then, you only have his version of events, and you will never really know what you are forgiving him for.
Life is short.
You deserve happiness.
I wish you well in whatever avenue you follow, but please, start putting yourself first, and look after yourself xxx

xserenity · 02-02-2015 11:30am

Thank you so much for all your support!At the moment we are ok.I'm still worried and a dull and deep pain comes and goes.I know I can forgive him.He promise he'll never go away and he'll here for me forever, doing he's best to work things out and making up to me.He changed a lot over the last couple of days,eating properly, smiling,laughing, hugging, kissing me and just getting lost into my eyes.I feel we are on the right track.I know I might sound silly, but I'm actually a very strong and bubbly person, with lots of friends around.I'm not afraid of being alone,I just love this man

strobe · 02-02-2015 12:34pm

Without the sexual and intimate elements of a relationship, the hugging, the kissing, the sex itself, then they almost always go the same way, and that's with people ending up more like friends/brother and sister, because without the physical side if things, that's what you are, friends, it's the sexual/intimate side of things that differentiates a sexual/romantic relationship from a friendship.

There's threads in here frequently along those lines "... but the sexual side of our relationship hasn't been as great as the rest for a while. And now suddenly me/they/us are more like friends."
Well, obviously. Without an active sexual side to things, that's what you are, friends.

That doesn't excuse him seeking out someone else for the intimate side of things while still in a relationship with you, but it was always going to go that way, whether it was you or him, before or after the relationship ended.

Sounds like you really need to communicate better with each other. Things should never have got this far. You need to both make a big effort from here on out, both to keep the spark alive and not let things slip back to the way they developed, and to make sure the other is comfortable bringing things they aren't happy with in the relationship up.

Hope things work out. Best of luck.

xserenity · 02-02-2015 1:17pm

strobe wrote: »

Without the sexual and intimate elements of a relationship, the hugging, the kissing, the sex itself, then they almost always go the same way, and that's with people ending up more like friends/brother and sister, because without the physical side if things, that's what you are, friends, it's the sexual/intimate side of things that differentiates a sexual/romantic relationship from a friendship.

There's threads in here frequently along those lines "... but the sexual side of our relationship hasn't been as great as the rest for a while. And now suddenly me/they/us are more like friends."
Well, obviously. Without an active sexual side to things, that's what you are, friends.

That doesn't excuse him seeking out someone else for the intimate side of things while still in a relationship with you, but it was always going to go that way, whether it was you or him, before or after the relationship ended.

Sounds like you really need to communicate better with each other. Things should never have got this far. You need to both make a big effort from here on out, both to keep the spark alive and not let things slip back to the way they developed, and to make sure the other is comfortable bringing things they aren't happy with in the relationship up.

Hope things work out. Best of luck.

Well,the sex is just great these days

loveisdivine · 02-02-2015 1:49pm

The sex is great "these days"?! Its only been a week or so OP! Things don't turn around that quickly. You need to take some time to really think about this. You're in danger of having it all blow up further down the line.

xserenity · 02-02-2015 1:53pm

What do you mean?

Chemical Byrne · 02-02-2015 2:08pm

There seems to be an awful lot of pessimism on this thread.

Things seem to be going good for ye now. Fair play to ye for agreeing to make an effort with each other and move on.

The advice given is of good intent and it would be wise to not get carried away think you live happily ever after. Just see how things go girl.

While I accept the words of caution to a degree, I think there are a few prophets of doom here who are getting carried away in the other direction.

dudara · 02-02-2015 6:06pm

xserenity wrote: »

Well,the sex is just great these days

But have both of you spoken honestly to each other and addressed the true cause of this issue? Otherwise, you will end up back there again.

Don't let the physical intimacy fool you into thinking that you have a fully intimate relationship once more. You could even think of the sex as a band-aid, covering up the true issue underneath.

Best of luck to you - I always do like to hear about relationships which recover.

xserenity · 02-02-2015 6:30pm

dudara wrote: »

But have both of you spoken honestly to each other and addressed the true cause of this issue? Otherwise, you will end up back there again.

Don't let the physical intimacy fool you into thinking that you have a fully intimate relationship once more. You could even think of the sex as a band-aid, covering up the true issue underneath.

Best of luck to you - I always do like to hear about relationships which recover.

We talked about everything within our relationship in details and we agreed with the issues: communication and sex.So now we know exactly what was wrong and why and we are doing great in fixing it.We'll be both fragile for a while which is normal in these circumstances.We won't be able to delete what happened and just go back to normal.I hope this memory will fade and despair forever someday

can my husband love me again?

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