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PLEASE READ AM I A HOORIBLE PERSON?

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  • 28-01-2015 11:05am
    #1
    pezz45
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭


    I have been with my current boyfriend nearly two years.during the summer we had a discussion about different sexual fantasies,in which he told me he would like a threesome.Nothing else was ever said about it but out of curriosity i looked into it more, i came across a site for swingers and set up and account, i downloaded pictures from the internet for my profile so it would look real,i browsed through the site to see what it was all about without chatting to anyone!!! eventually lost interest and came off it for months untill yesterday.My boyfriend never knew i had set this up.

    Stupidy i went back on to the site yesterday and happened to reply to a young guy,My b/f found the link for site and seen my reply to this other guy,now the reply was genuinely talking about dublin nothing sexual whatsoever!!! But now my b/f is distraught and angry,he says i might aswell have cheated on him and that im sick and a weirdo.I've tried explaining to him i set it up for curiosity reasons and i only have ever logged into it three times since june and the guy i replied to yesterday was the first message i ever sent .He doesnt wnna know he saying ts over and im devestated,i undertand why he feels the way he does but he's making it out like ive gone off and actually had sex with someone, weve just moved in to a new house aswell,he's thinking all sorts of me which i guess he's entitled to ,but i dont want to loose him i love him so much and im regretting it so much now (curiosity killed the cat) Anyone know how i can make this right?? Im in bits at the thoughts of loosing him
    Thanks all


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    #2
    sadie06
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,706 ✭✭✭sadie06


    Being curious does not make you a horrible person, and if your only interactions with the site were as you describe, then you should be able to make your boyfriend accept your explanation when he calms down.

    Downloading photos off the internet (presumably of an actual person) and using them to create a profile on a site does not paint you in a good light however. Apologies if I have misunderstood, but isn't that identity theft?


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    #3
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    He probably meant a threesome with another woman? Also for some people fantasy is just fantasy and that's how they want to keep it, they don't actually want to live them out.

    And doesn't like the idea of you messaging other guys on a hook-up site (Which is fair enough). All you can do is apologise, reassure him you didn't intend to meet the guy (or anybody else) or anything, promise you'll never do it again, and hope he accepts that.


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    #4
    pezz45
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭pezz45


    The pictures weren't of anyone's face, i took them from a porn kinda site to make it fit in with the otherv profiles as there is no face pics allowed.Im so disguisted with myself even still as he seems very hurt, anytime i try to talk to him about and part of it he tells me stop talking that im trying to justify what ive done....


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    #5
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    pezz45 wrote: »
    The pictures weren't of anyone's face, i took them from a porn kinda site to make it fit in with the otherv profiles as there is no face pics allowed.Im so disguisted with myself even still as he seems very hurt, anytime i try to talk to him about and part of it he tells me stop talking that im trying to justify what ive done....


    To be honest, I'd probably react similarly to your boyfriend.

    He mentioned a fantasy. Nothing was said since.

    You went and made a profile on a hook up site, using pornographic images, and messaged somebody.

    Do you really expect him to think it was innocence?! Making the profile could be passed off as curiosity, but logging in at different times of the year and messaging someone - not so much.

    Did you ever tell him you set up a profile on this site?

    If you didn't, you have to ask yourself why. Is it because you KNEW he would be unhappy? Why else would you hide it?

    All you can do is apologise. Stop trying to explain yourself. You gave him an explanation, all he will see if you keep repeating it is excuses.

    Apologise, and tell him you never meant to hurt him. Let him see the message if needs be, to show you said nothing dirty.

    One thing though - if you're on a hook up site on future, don't be so naive to think that because you spoke about Dublin, the other person doesn't want to hook up. They probably do, and make polite conversation first.


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    #6
    giggle84
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    If it was the other way around, how would you react? I know I'd react the exact same way that your boyfriend has.

    All you can do is apologise, give him honest answers to any questions he has about it, and tell him you don't want to lose him. After that it's up to him whether he can get over it or not. Give him some time, it's probably very raw at the moment.


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    #7
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I'm afraid there is nothing more you can do apart from tell him what you told us. If he decides not to believe you, then no amount of pleading will do otherwise. It just becomes noise after a while. If the shoe was on the other foot, what would you think?

    Threesomes are a tricky area anyway. They work fine for some people but they've been known to wreck relationships. It's unfortunate that you went on this solo run but you don't need me to tell you that. Looks like it might've been a fantasy in his head but not something he fancied taking further once he thought about it more.

    Hopefully when your boyfriend has time to think about it, he might calm down. Other than that, there's nothing you can do


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Myself and my OH set up a profile TOGETHER for something similar, I would never have done it without him. It just looks a little sly on your part that you did that.

    You say it was curiosity, fair enough. But he doesn't see it like that. You did that behind his back without talking to him about it first. I would definitely be upset too if I was in your bf's position.

    There's nothing more you can do now other than apologise and let him calm down.


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    #9
    ThatFatGal
    Registered Users Posts: 56 ✭✭ThatFatGal


    I'm sorry but you are. What were you thinking?

    I actually broke up with my ex partner due to a very similar issue (+ other issues) but it is definitely a dealbreaker for me if you have to ask me.

    Ask yourself why you set up the account. Ask yourself why you went back to the website yesterday.

    Ask yourself why you answered the man on the website.

    And Be Brutally Honest when you answer these questions.

    If I were your bf, I'd leave you immediately and I'd be so hurt and put yourself into his shoes - you will feel the same.

    At least you've learnt a lesson - don't do it again!


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    #10
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users Posts: 4,240 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    You were looking into it as he mentioned a threesome fantasy but were they pics of a couple, did you say it in the profile and was the guy you were talking to part of a couple too?


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    #11
    pezz45
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭pezz45


    Potatoeman wrote: »
    You were looking into it as he mentioned a threesome fantasy but were they pics of a couple, did you say it in the profile and was the guy you were talking to part of a couple too?

    i said in the profile i was looking for bi females only obviously i had gotten messages from a few people but never replyed till yesterday and it was chit chat i even said it the message that i wasnt looking for single guys....


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    #12
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    pezz45 wrote: »
    i said in the profile i was looking for bi females only obviously i had gotten messages from a few people but never replyed till yesterday and it was chit chat i even said it the message that i wasnt looking for single guys....

    Do you not see that it doesn't matter what you stated in your profile about only wanting women, though?

    You betrayed your boyfriend. You joined a sex site behind his back. If you really thought he'd like it, you would have told him.

    And whatever you said to the guy who messaged you, and whatever you said on the profile - the only message you replied to was from a guy.

    You've betrayed your boyfriend. Instead of giving him excuses, you need to apologise profusely, promise it'll never happen again and then it's up to him if he'll forgive you or not.


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    #13
    pezz45
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭pezz45


    Jenny Thalia wrote: »
    Do you not see that it doesn't matter what you stated in your profile about only wanting women, though?

    You betrayed your boyfriend. You joined a sex site behind his back. If you really thought he'd like it, you would have told him.

    And whatever you said to the guy who messaged you, and whatever you said on the profile - the only message you replied to was from a guy.

    You've betrayed your boyfriend. Instead of giving him excuses, you need to apologise profusely, promise it'll never happen again and then it's up to him if he'll forgive you or not.

    yes i know all of this jenny i was only answering a question, im not trying to justify what ive done


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    #14
    catonthewire
    Registered Users Posts: 201 ✭✭catonthewire


    Look.we all make mistakes, you have explained yourself perfectly here, your curiosity got the better of you and for that you paid the price of your partner thinking the worst of you..

    Many people look.at these sites if truth be told, and you can be assured that you won't be the last...
    Be honest with your partner, delete the stupid account, with your partner there, then hope he understands that you meant no harm to your relationship..


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    #15
    Tiddlypeeps
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭Tiddlypeeps


    I don't think you did anything wrong up until the messaging a guy back part. Excluding that I think your bf would be overreacting to be annoyed at you, as you were just exploring the possibility and logistics of fulfilling a fantasy of his.

    You went way beyond that tho. You messaged a guy back who is obviously looking for sex. Why did you message him back, it clearly wasn't related to the threesome thing because you said you'd be looking for a female for that. It's believable that you never intended to meet or sleep with the guy but you must have had some reason for messaging him back, be that simply looking for an ego boost or something more it's still wrong and well within the bounds of unfaithfulness. The motives you described don't explain your behaviour, so I don't blame your bf for not accepting them and brushing them off as excuses.

    Seriously reflect on why you did this, then explain the real reason to your boyfriend and apologise again. After that the balls in his court if he wants to forgive you.


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    #16
    TheShockmaster
    Registered Users Posts: 62 ✭✭TheShockmaster


    No, not horrible if it happened like you say, but its certainly a lesson learned the hard way. On the other hand the poor guy must have got an awful shock, so I can understand why he is so upset. You need to convince him of your intentions, but even still you don't just forget something like that.


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    #17
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    Your boyfriend has just realised that you are not who he thought you were. Regardless of your intentions, you kept secrets from him. Sexual secrets. This is going to change how he sees you and will have shattered his trust in you. He probably wonders if you have hidden this, what else have you hidden? If he believes you didn't actually cheat, the big question in his head will be why you joined the site behind his back (if it was for him too) and why you contacted that guy. I wonder that too. If you are happy in your relationship and this was all a silly joke, why did you reply to that man?


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    #18
    mada82
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭mada82


    OP can you explain why you messaged the man back?


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    #19
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    I'm guessing she just replied out of politeness. I mean she says it was just chit chat about Dublin, nothing sexual. While there's nothing wrong with that it was on a swinging site so the bfs shock and anger is understandable. Especially given that it's a good year since he spoke about such fantasies.

    Look OP, this was a bad idea, you had very poor judgement here. I mean how would you feel if the situation was reversed. All you can do is reassure him it was a silly mistake, you were just curious about the site and that you love him. He is angry now but if you talk to him about it again in a few days once he's cooled off hopefully he will see that and be able to forgive you.


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    #20
    mada82
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭mada82


    Let the OP advise why she chose to reply to this message.


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    #21
    catonthewire
    Registered Users Posts: 201 ✭✭catonthewire


    Why the OP replied has no bearing on the situation she is in now...
    After logging in again after a lengthy period of time she found a message, stupidily she replied then engaged in as she describes chit chat...

    Her ex is rightly annoyed, and the ball in his his court now, can he trust her again?..
    Who knows....
    Hashing over why she replied hardly matters.....
    The girl is sorry this ever happened and is trying to put it right..


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    #22
    mada82
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭mada82


    Of course the reason why she replied matters.

    What made her reply to a message from a male when she had previously ignored other messages.

    Was she interested?
    Was she just looking an ego boost?
    Was she bored?

    Her reason for replying is very important.


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    #23
    catonthewire
    Registered Users Posts: 201 ✭✭catonthewire


    Only important to her partner and herself.....
    The girl only asked for advice as to how she could repair the damage...
    I have no doubt her partner already asked this question and to him she should explain...

    Lots of people gave good sound advice, without needing to know why she replied..


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    #24
    mada82
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭mada82


    How can you give good advice if her motives for replying to the man are unknown.


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    #25
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Mod note:
    Mada the OP is under no obligation to answer any questions here and further discussion on why doing so is critical to advice offered is just dragging this thread off topic, please don't reply to such posts again or indeed ask the OP for more information than they are happy to provide.


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    #26
    blueb
    Registered Users Posts: 279 ✭✭blueb


    you have got some serious making up to do for your BF!!!!


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