Life is ****ed

petal25 · 18-09-2014 2:55am #1

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Clinical Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am a 25 year old female. I was raped when I was 12, bullied very badly in school, I really couldn't take any more. I refused to leave the house at age 14 until 18. I was not in contact with anyone only my family during those years, I could not even open the curtains. At age 19-21 (went out rarely, maybe 3-4 times a year) with a hood up and only in the dark. Attempted suicide at age 21, was put into a psychiatric ward for 3 weeks. Attempted suicide again aged 22, was in a coma in ICU on a ventilator for 4 days. Met a guy who had similar mental problems (he was much older) lived with him til age 24. He USED me as much as he could(I was so unwell at the time I couldn't see it, I just needed someone

, put my name on every bill, he was addicted to opiates...I went along with everything 'cos I was feeling so bad. He was very psychologically abusive, I left him then. Now I have LOTS of unpaid bills in my name which I have not paid. I have been on disability since age 21. Also in 2011 I reported the rape, the DPP turned it down in 2013 due to lack of evidence. I am back living with my parents, I have no friends, no where to go, no life, nothing. I didn't leave the house today due to anxiety despite being on 30mg valium a day (several other meds too). Now I am suffering with chronic pain, lower abdomen constant...they will not give me painkillers b/c they are addictive so they say. So, I spend my days laying in bed holding on to my tummy afraid to go anywhere incase I collapse which I have done yesterday and today and multiple times in the city. They cannot find the problem. Currently waiting for CT results. Have had 10 kidney infections this year. I have had synachten test done which proved negative for addisons disease. I have low cortisol (cortisol is the stress hormone) which can cause anything from pain, anxiety, hallucinations,delusions,depression.

I'm done with these doctors. I'm done with people. i don't ever want to leave the house again, like ever.

petal25 · 18-09-2014 6:28pm

I genuinely think at this stage I am beyond help. I feel strongly hated even though I have never done anything wrong in my life. I am from Limerick. Outside the city and I just feel like a lost soul,nothing to do, nowhere to go and my mental issues are very debilitating.

D Trent · 18-09-2014 6:35pm

petal25 wrote: »

I genuinely think at this stage I am beyond help. I feel strongly hated even though I have never done anything wrong in my life. I am from Limerick. Outside the city and I just feel like a lost soul,nothing to do, nowhere to go and my mental issues are very debilitating.

Hi there. Believe it or not there is no such thing as 'beyond help'. There is ALWAYS someone there to listen to your story. I cannot help as I would be out of my depth.
But please call this number 116123.
It is Samaritans http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you?gclid=CjwKEAjwheqgBRD5vOfR45az5AESJABy4m8-JKCWophrPILOWl73ibIpWTi2cS6BwnhhUVrvMDZNnBoC8sfw_wcB

"Talk to us any time you like, in your own way, and off the record – about whatever’s getting to you. You don’t have to be suicidal."

I can guarantee you will feel so much better if you have talked to someone from Samaritans.
Best of luck

petal25 · 18-09-2014 6:49pm

Hi there, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I actually was in the samaritans centre last week talking to a really nice man who I felt understood and I did feel good while I was talking but the good feeling fades away, and he did give me that number you just gave me, it's the new samaritans freephone number and I have used it. The samaritans are ALWAYS very helpful, they are great, I have donated to them etc.. They are good when you are in a crisis or just need to talk but for some reason (maybe it's just me) as I said the good feeling fades. I think it may be because they are not allowed to give advice, just listen. But they are A1!

Thank you very much. I do appreciate you help!

ColeTrain · 18-09-2014 6:58pm

I'm sorry for your plight. Life can indeed be ****.

The one thing you need on your side is hope. I'm not talking about religion either. You need to tell yourself that you can turn the ship around. You're still young and you have plenty of time to make a good life for yourself but it is on your shoulders.

I'd recommend talking to a professional first off, if you've already done so then start again.

Just remember your situation is far from hopeless, even though it might seem that way now.

jellyboy · 18-09-2014 7:01pm

Hi Petal

I'm sure that you know a lot of what has been said and will be said in future posts

As I was waiting to sign in to reply to you
I thought of life as an onion and the many many layers that are involved

From what you have written you have and are peeling back many of them at the same time

I wanted to respond to tell you that there is hope and light at the end of darkness

But a strange thought came into my head as I was typing

"Tell her to use her experience to help others"
After your experiences and your living to tell this layered story how about helping others to overcome abuse ?

What you have is wisdom , a wisdom of healing
It might not seem like that right now as you try to swim upstream against the tide

But if you put on a life jacket and pause you can help others to overcome

All it takes is a descion to do it
People will help you to get to the point of savouring life
My heart wishes you well

Reach out to the services

petal25 · 18-09-2014 8:23pm

Jellyboy -Thank you very much.

I would do anything to help other victims of abuse. I guess that is something plausible and something that would keep me going. But uh there's a lot of questions surrounding that. Such as would I be legally allowed to do it without him being convicted? Would my mental health be an issue regarding me helping other victims of abuse? I'm guessing you wouldn't know the specific answers to those questions (no offence intended-just they are quite specific q's).

Y'know that is actually something that would help me while helping others. No idea how I would go about it though.

I am connected with the services, doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist. I guess the good thing is I am not suicidal, just have no idea where to go from here...like I said in an earlier post I am lost!

Also, 1 thing I wanted to mention before but forgot, I live in a small village and so does he and so do the people who ''protected'' him (people who made statements on his behalf ) and it's VERY stressful and triggering living here. Every time I go outside there is a chance I could meet him and that to me could trigger an anxiety attack. I do not want to move. I'm okay as long as I stay inside. I wouldn't be able to live alone or in a room with people I don't know (way too much anxiety), I'm only comfortable in my bedroom.

I hate him so damn much!!!!

But thank you so much it means a lot

He ruined my life. He really did.

punisher5112 · 18-09-2014 8:37pm

Hi op sorry to hear you have had it bad in the past.
And things are not going to well at present.

Have you talked to your parents and if you don't mind me asking is the person that took away your innocent childhood still around as if they are it may be good to distance yourself from them

Good advice on here and try your best to reach out and get the help you need.

You say you have pains and such you really should see your doctor and tell them as maybe all the medication you are taking is slowly damaging your vital organs(hopefully not)

You have done very well coming on here and I wish you all the best in the future and it can be anything you want it to be if you put your mind to it.

allotmoto · 18-09-2014 8:55pm

I've had a few periods in my life where I've been lost or stuck in the doldrums so to speak. It's not uncommon for people knowing what they want the jigsaw to look like but are unsure how to put it together. You're a young adult, plenty of years ahead with better fortune are waiting for you. Stick with it, the tide will turn

chinacup · 22-09-2014 1:27am

Oh my God, I'm sorry this might not be the right thing to say but my heart just broke a little reading this post. The injustice and nightmare you suffered is just not fair. I've suffered with my own issues but reading your story actually puts things in perspective for a minute. I don't know what to say other than I am really really rooting for you to get out of this and in terms of advice - I will offer you what I can from my own experience but at the end of the day its down to us as you know. So:

-Signing up for Aware's online course
-Completing an online course from Coursera for free
-Completing an evening course
-Cycling
-Meeting up with people even if it seemed impossible or too nerve racking

The above things I think helped me or at least got me through some of my most difficult times - living in a homeless shelter, crippling social anxiety - to the other side. Still not 100% but getting there!

If ever you need someone to reach out to feel free to give me a pm, I know its not a lot but if it helps I would be more than happy to have open ears.

Hang in there X

Emme · 22-09-2014 10:58pm

petal25 wrote: »

I have had synachten test done which proved negative for addisons disease. I have low cortisol (cortisol is the stress hormone) which can cause anything from pain, anxiety, hallucinations,delusions,depression.

Some doctors (but not many) do the saliva cortisol test for adrenal function. I don't know much about the synachten test but apparently it shows either Cushings (extremely high cortisol) or Addisons (extremely low). The saliva cortisol test is when you take 4 saliva samples at different times of the day to test adrenal function, put them on ice and get them tested.

You have been through a lot and adrenal support might help you if you have low adrenal function but there are other issues to be addressed as well. You can buy adrenal drops from New Vistas in some health food shops. Is your diet good? Cleaning up your diet and going on vitamins might help you but you need counselling to address what happened you at 12.

It is hard to find a good doctor in Ireland but benzodiapenes such as valium and other medications aren't always as helpful in the long run as they can be in the short run when prescribed properly.

paulinhio · 09-02-2016 7:58pm

Emme wrote: »

Some doctors (but not many) do the saliva cortisol test for adrenal function. I don't know much about the synachten test but apparently it shows either Cushings (extremely high cortisol) or Addisons (extremely low). The saliva cortisol test is when you take 4 saliva samples at different times of the day to test adrenal function, put them on ice and get them tested.

You have been through a lot and adrenal support might help you if you have low adrenal function but there are other issues to be addressed as well. You can buy adrenal drops from New Vistas in some health food shops. Is your diet good? Cleaning up your diet and going on vitamins might help you but you need counselling to address what happened you at 12.

It is hard to find a good doctor in Ireland but benzodiapenes such as valium and other medications aren't always as helpful in the long run as they can be in the short run when prescribed properly.

God love that girl, hope she's better.

Puts my problems in the shade, but I suffer from chronic fatigue which I believe is due to adrenal dysfunction.
You mention that 'some doctors' in Ireland do the saliva test, could you point me in their direction? My search for one is proving fruitless. Based in Dublin but willing to travel.

Thanks.

marklazarcovic · 09-02-2016 8:26pm

Spotted your thread on main page, just wanna say there is a place for you outside the confines of your home,truly hope u improve soon,join some clubs online,make some mates,....

Try laugh,at anything,laugh at cats on YouTube,there hilarious.

Chin up

Sorry,just seen its a year old..hope your good op.

Life is ****ed

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