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Confused girl

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  • 16-12-2014 5:14pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi everyone,

    Just looking for some advice on what to do in this situation.

    About three months ago, after a period of prolonged singleness, I met a guy. He's a really caring, sweet person and I enjoy hanging out with him a lot. We've discussed where our relationship is going. He's told me he would like this to progress into sometime long term and wants a committed relationship. I'm slow to open up to people so I told I wasn't against any of this, but I would like to take things at a slow pace.

    Ok so that's the background. My issue is, we have never had sex. We've done other stuff but it's always been about him pleasing me. Any time I've touched him, his penis has only ever been semi-hard or completely soft.

    He's never initiated sex. At first I thought it was because he was a gentleman and didn't want to rush things but three months have past now! I've tried to initiate it myself a few times. The firt time he said he couldn't because he'd been drinking, the second time he said he wasn't feeling great, the third time he kinda just ignored what I said and proceeded to please me orally. He told me gets nervous but that he does want to have sex.

    I'm not really sure what to do now. Obviously I want to be supportive but I'm not sure exactly sure how. A bit of me can't help but be disappointed. I was single for a long time and I wasn't sleeping around during this period so a part of my excitement was the prospect of having regular sex with someone (which I haven't had in years). Obviously it's not all about sex either but it does play a role in a relationship.

    Anyone with any advice?


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    #2
    rcarroll
    Registered Users Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    Hmmm hard one to deal with...I'd say ye need to talk about things as obviously somethings going on with him. It could be nerves, an erectile issue or a billion other reasons including maybe not being very sexual...it's worth trying to gently approach the issue to find out before jumping to conclusions. Maybe start by asking him how he feels about sex and what his experiences have been? Don't ignore this as you could end up in a sexless relationship down the road and ye need to know ye are compatible


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    #3
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    Would be be very self concious about performing and the worry is making it difficult for him to become aroused?

    I think the best thing is just to talk to him and ask why this might be happening in as sensitive a way as possible? This can be distressing for a guy. It can be a bit of a viscous circle - being unable to get erect because of anxiety leads to further worry and frustration making one even less likely to get hard. You could also try extended foreplay or give him some sort of non-sexual massage to settle anxiety if that is the problem.

    I had a similar issue before due to general anxiety about stuff and could only get semi erect. Getting myself all hot and bothered over it and trying to "force" an erection only deflated things worse.


    Also, just wondering, is he sober or after drink when you try to have sex? Having alcohol on board makes it more of a challenge to get hard.


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    #4
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    Oh, and I would also add that maybe you could ask if he becomse erect when he is not in an intercourse situation, ie, can he become erect for masturbation or does he get them in his sleep. If so, it may be just down to anxiety. If he cannot get them at all he might need to visit a GP.

    Obviously, you as a couple need to be comfortable discussing these issues. I don't know if ye are at the point or not?


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the above advice.

    I guess its hard not to wonder if his issues have anything to do with me. Tho by the sounds of it, hes had these issues with other people before.
    Chemical Byrne wrote: »
    Obviously, you as a couple need to be comfortable discussing these issues. I don't know if ye are at the point or not?

    I guess we need to get to this point fast! Nothing will get solved by me just ignoring the problem. He seems unwilling to initiate conversation about it so I suppose it will have to me who brings it up.

    In response to the drink thing, he does drink a lot however most of these situations take place when he is sober.


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    #6
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    Yeah, I guess if he won't initiate the discussion you will have to bring it up.

    If he "drinks a lot" as you say I would imagine that it would not exactly aid things either, even if he is sober at the time of attempting sex. Maybe you could subtly encourage a healthier lifestyle to see if it helps at all.

    I hope you two can solve this as sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. If no solution can be found of if he is unwilling to make an effort to help resolve it, I don't know, would it be deal breaker for you?


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    #7
    giggle84
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    I found myself in a similar situation recently with a guy who was recently separated. I reassured him that it was ok, there was no rush and would just take us a while to get used to each other, etc.. and eventually we got there! I think it was nerves, he was out of practice and self conscious and felt under pressure to perform, I did my best to remove the pressure and it seemed to work. But I didn't wait as long as 3 months, I'd have had a conversation about it long before then if the problem had continued.


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    #8
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    Yeah, I'd be of the opinion that it's just nerves too. Physiological reasons for erectile dysfunction are less common and when they are the cause it's in men that are shoving for middle age.

    In my own case, I was having ED due to anxiety. What I found worked was to just forget about trying to force an erection and to just try relax by extending foreplay and both of us understanding that penetration was not obligatory but well and good if it does happen.

    I found mutual massages and cuddling worked well to relax me and before long I was getting hard as there was no pressure to perform.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi, OP here again

    Yes this would be a deal breaker for me! As someone said above, sex is an important part of a relationship and its not something I would be happy to do without.

    As awful as it sounds, I can already feel myself starting to get impatient and frustrated. Its been three months already. And we've had ALOT of cuddle time, kissing time, we slept in the same bed loads.

    I feel nearly like hes completely ignoring the issue and is carrying on as if everything is fine (wants to meet my family/friends, wants me to call over and have dinner with his parents). I'm hesitant to do any of those things until we have sex so we can be sure we are compatible and that the relationship is going somewhere.

    Sorry if I sound really selfish! I know its not all about sex but my impatience is really growing!


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    #10
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    Back again wrote: »
    Hi, OP here again

    Yes this would be a deal breaker for me! As someone said above, sex is an important part of a relationship and its not something I would be happy to do without.

    As awful as it sounds, I can already feel myself starting to get impatient and frustrated. Its been three months already. And we've had ALOT of cuddle time, kissing time, we slept in the same bed loads.

    I feel nearly like hes completely ignoring the issue and is carrying on as if everything is fine (wants to meet my family/friends, wants me to call over and have dinner with his parents). I'm hesitant to do any of those things until we have sex so we can be sure we are compatible and that the relationship is going somewhere.

    Sorry if I sound really selfish! I know its not all about sex but my impatience is really growing!

    You definitely don't sound selfish, don't go down the route of thinking that. There's nothing selfish about how you're feeling. It's a pretty big thing and you deserve an answer. Just don't be combative. Ask him what's going on, not in an accusatory way or anything, and see what he says. Then take it from there. Best of luck.


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    #11
    Buona Fortuna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,507 ✭✭✭Buona Fortuna


    Hi OP

    Lot of good advice above.

    When you sleep together does he get an erection in the morning or during the night? It would give you an early heads up whether its physical or mental.

    The only other thing I'd add to Strobe is to try and not make it accusatory. If you can try and keep it fun.

    Durex do a line of cheap lubricants (tingly and stuff) and cheap vibrating cock rings - maybe a little srprise present under the tree?

    All the very best OP. I hope it works out for you two.;)


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    #12
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    Hi, OP, if as you say you have been having LOTS of cuddle time, that would tend to lean me towards thinking it might be a physical issue. Perhaps he needs to see a GP.

    Ultimately though, you won't know until you talk to him about it. As the others have said, you need to do this in as sensitive a way as possible. Certainly don't apply any pressure on him as that would probably make it even more difficult for him.

    But at the end of the day any amount of talking about it and help offered will not help unless he himself wants to solve the problem too. Three months is a longish time to be with someone with out having sex.


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    #13
    KCC
    Registered Users Posts: 268 ✭✭KCC


    Firstly, I wouldn't initiate sex if he is drunk or hungover.

    Maybe this could all be due to a bad past experience?

    Not what you want to hear, but could he be confused about his sexuality?

    Could you try casually watching an erotic film just to see yourself if he gets aroused when there's no specific pressure on him? Another idea might be to perform oral sex on him when he's asleep - he would wake in a more relaxed state and it should induce an erection? You could also just ask him to watch you as you please yourself and see if it has any effect on him. Of course, none of this will work if he knows you are testing him so it would all have to be very relaxed.


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    #14
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    I don't think covertly engineering the situation to would be reliable. I've casually watched porn sometimes without getting aroused if I was tired, uninterested etc.

    Also, giving oral while he is asleep? Seriously? That's pretty unethical, possibly edging into sexual assault territory. You can't go performing sexual acts on someone who is asleep. I wonder would you be offering this advice if the genders were reversed?

    Being confused about his sexuality is a possibility I suppose but ultimately what the OP needs to do is talk this over with her guy and see what the problem is.


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