Ex why? I am so stupid

Louise13455 · 16-12-2014 2:58pm #1

I was with my ex for 10 years on and off. I decided to end our relationship as it was not going any where. When I met him he was a heavy drinker. After work he would social in the pub that happened every single evening. Weekends he would drink in access of 15-20 pints in one evening, falling asleep or arsey causing arguments for no reason. In the relationship I was not in control I was finding myself lost as an individual & he made me feel as though I was in the wrong all the time, I was questioning myself. Enough was enough once I found out he went probably not the first time with a girl in a brothel. He did not admit it, but the evidence was there. I ended it. In the last six years I have seen him twice totally blanking me. During the six years we were apart I lost my son aged 21 yrs. my son spent the best part of 10 yrs with my ex. This was the most traumatic experience of my life.
5 years later my ex rang out of the blue late at night on Boxing Day saying he missed me & wanted to see me, he was extremley drunk, I did go and pick him up which was a big mistake, he ran me down said I looked awful. He was extremley drunk, I refused to go into his house. Over the next two years my ex has rang me every single weekend asking for me to go to his, I did go on a few occasions which resulted in both of us in bed, he made me feel horrible once I left which was always early hours of the morning, sex was crap and I felt such an idiot. Wished it would not of happened. Every time he rang it would be when he was drunk never sober, sometimes he was so abusive on the phone I refused to answer his calls. I have not seen him for 14 months the calls have stopped, as I refused to answer his calls, he has not rang me for over three months now. Why do I feel so **** this guy has got back into my head, he used me for sex then just tossed me aside, why? Only call me when drunk, why say the things to me that he did. When I did call round to see him he tried to get me into bed within five mins of arriving, most of the times I refused and walked out. I have not been with another man since we first broke up as I have had my sons death to cope with. Please tell me this guy is an arsole, I already know that but why is he constantly in my head.

secondrowgal · 16-12-2014 3:13pm

This guy is an arsehole of the highest order Louise! You have taken the first step, and asked for help, so well done you!!!!

So sorry to hear about your son too. This also has you in a weakened position, and you can give yourself a break - you need to grieve and you need support, not abuse. But at the moment you are getting attention, albeit negative attention, but we are human and that is better than no attention sometimes.

At some stage, (hopefully soon!) you have to sit down and ask yourself what you want, and how you are going to get it. The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step (or similar

) and you've already made that step. Keep on moving, don't stop!

For instance, you could put all the negatives of this relationship on one side of a list and all the positives on the other, and grade each one on a scale of 1 - 10 to show yourself how important each one is to you. I would nearly guarantee that the negatives will far outweigh the positives, and sometimes you just need to see that in black and white.

If you have the time and resources to do so, I would suggest some kind of counseling or CBT or other therapy to help you move on from where you are.

I wish you all the best in your life and believe that you can make it out of this a bigger and stronger person.

Louise13455 · 16-12-2014 3:48pm

<Snip>

Many thanks for your reply and your kind words. I have done so much in the last five yrs changed career direction completely want to work with young offenders, I am in my third & final yr at Uni doing a bachelors degree, I have landed my self a job working in a prison?? Not where I want to be but it's a step in the right direction ? I already have five yrs under my belt working with high risk offenders. I am in my late 40 s so I not getting any younger. Anti depressants tried for a month threw them away, councilling I went to one session never returned.
Once again thank you for your reply.

Penny Lane · 16-12-2014 4:05pm

Hi Louise,

Firstly, I am deeply sorry for the loss of your son, no parent should ever have to bury a child, that's a burden you'll bear forever.

Secondly, yes your ex is a total arsehole. He is a horrible abusive person who has no interest in you other than to put you down and make himself feel superior. Change your phone number so that he can never contact you again.

What to do to work through your feelings? Counselling is worth a go - you walked away after one session, that isn't giving it a chance and you know that. You need to find a counsellor who is the right fit for you so maybe try someone else but do give it a go, properly.

Fair play to you for the career change, that's fantastic.

Penny

kerry4sam · 16-12-2014 7:08pm

Thread moved from our Travel Things to Do In forum to where it would be better suited.

Thanks,
kerry4sam

Ethel · 16-12-2014 7:45pm

Louise, he has an abusive controlling personality, and he's gotten into your head. You know he's bad news, but people like him gnaw away at your self confidence and self worth to the point you think they are the only option outside of being alone.

Stop letting this waste of space and oxegen in your head by changing your number. I know that its probably a hassle having to give out a new number to all your contacts, but this has to be done. He has access to your head and able to hurt you again and again. This man doesn't love you, doesn't care for you. I'm sorry that sounds harsh, but if you think about it, would someone that LOVES you treat you that badly?

You are weak right now, but you do know he is wrong for you. That is a start. He will never change so you need to take steps to eradicate this 'man' from your life.

I know his sort all too well and the best thing I've ever done is cut the guy loose. I'm happy with someone new, and you can too if you give yourself the chance to heal from the damage he's done, and allow yourself to be open to the prospect of having a new partner

Louise13455 · 16-12-2014 8:28pm

Ethel wrote: »

Louise, he has an abusive controlling personality, and he's gotten into your head. You know he's bad news, but people like him gnaw away at your self confidence and self worth to the point you think they are the only option outside of being alone.

Stop letting this waste of space and oxegen in your head by changing your number. I know that its probably a hassle having to give out a new numkber to all your contacts, but this has to be done. He has access to your head and able to hurt you again and again. This man doesn't love you, doesn't care for you. I'm sorry that sounds harsh, but if you think about it, would someone that LOVES you treat you that badly?

You are weak right now, but you do know he is wrong for you. That is a start. He will never change so you need to take steps to eradicate this 'man' from your life.

I know his sort all too well and the best thing I've ever done is cut the guy loose. I'm happy with someone new, and you can too if you give yourself the chance to heal from the damage he's done, and allow yourself to be open to the prospect of having a new partner

Thankyou I agree with all the above, I am defiantly in a better place & have been for a while. I will not answer his calls as I know I am worth more than that, I feel pants cos I have let him. Nothing has changed in his life since we split up, just angry with myself I let him back in. Your right he dosnt love me I know that, but why call in the first place after 5 years, he has got nothing better else to do. I like a bit of a challenge, but not that much forwards not backwards. When I am ready to meet another guy I will just not at the moment can't be doing with the complication of it all.
Thankyou once again

Neyite · 16-12-2014 9:43pm

Louise, he was abusive, it was an abusive relationship. I'd recommend meeting with someone in women's aid for a chat and a recommendation for counsellors who understand domestic violence, sign up for the freedom programme online, or read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft, or all three. I think it will help you find some answers.

Littlekittylou · 17-12-2014 12:22am

Every time he rang it would be when he was drunk never sober, sometimes he was so abusive on the phone I refused to answer his calls.

. When I did call round to see him he tried to get me into bed within five mins of arriving, most of the times I refused and walked out.

he ran me down

he made me feel horrible

He unfortunate is like a lot of men out there and yes he is a horrible person.

why is he constantly in my head.

because of this...

I have had my sons death to cope with.

.self abuse temporarily blocks out terrible thoughts from your head as awful as the man is he is a welcome distraction from your pain. but he will bring more pain and more pain and more pain.You are hurting yourself to avoid the huge pain you are in.

I am sorry for your loss.

You will tire of this and seek real nurturing and love.

Men who blank you and make you fell bad and cheat or whatever don't miss you or even like you.
When someone likes you they will love you and be nice to you because your happiness means something to them.

Your confidence was low and who can blame you after what you have been through i think anyone would.

He should never have behaved that way especially after all you have been through.Losing a child must be devastating. I am so sorry.
Don't waste any more tears or time on this person.

He preyed on you when you were hurt. I just want to give you a hug.

You are worth SO MUCH MORE!

Katgurl · 17-12-2014 4:54am

So sorry for your loss Louise.

Stop giving yourself a hard time for giving into your ex before or even for missing him now. You're only human.

Instead, focus on all you've achieved in spite of your tragedy - you did leave him, you did retrain, you did get a new career. Well done you.

No you're not getting any younger. None of us are

Late 40's - loadsa time to build a better life!

Squatman · 17-12-2014 8:26am

Littlekittylou wrote: »

He unfortunate is like a lot of men out there

No he is not. He is exceptional. Hes a degenerate, and not like " a lot of men" there are many decent hard working people out there.
OP I wouldnt settle for that kind of treatment, you should definitely move on.

Louise13455 · 17-12-2014 8:27am

Littlekittylou wrote: »

He unfortunate is like a lot of men out there and yes he is a horrible person.

because of this....self abuse temporarily blocks out terrible thoughts from your head as awful as the man is he is a welcome distraction from your pain. but he will bring more pain and more pain and more pain.You are hurting yourself to avoid the huge pain you are in.

I am sorry for your loss.

You will tire of this and seek real nurturing and love.

Men who blank you and make you fell bad and cheat or whatever don't miss you or even like you.
When someone likes you they will love you and be nice to you because your happiness means something to them.

Your confidence was low and who can blame you after what you have been through i think anyone would.

He should never have behaved that way especially after all you have been through.Losing a child must be devastating. I am so sorry.
Don't waste any more tears or time on this person.

He preyed on you when you were hurt. I just want to give you a hug.

You are worth SO MUCH MORE!

Argh I have just read this, you have brought a tear to my eye, you are so right in what you have put, i have to believe in myself which I am doing a bit now. Maybe one day I will meet a guy, when I am ready don't know where though. I have thrown myself into my work instead of having a social life. I just want to thankyou sooooooooo much for the above, taking time out to reply. Have a good day & take care. xx

Littlekittylou · 17-12-2014 7:45pm

Louise13455 wrote: »

Argh I have just read this, you have brought a tear to my eye, you are so right in what you have put, i have to believe in myself which I am doing a bit now. Maybe one day I will meet a guy, when I am ready don't know where though. I have thrown myself into my work instead of having a social life. I just want to thankyou sooooooooo much for the above, taking time out to reply. Have a good day & take care. xx

you will

Ex why? I am so stupid

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