My boyfriend doesn't want sex anymore

annann1 · 12-12-2014 10:50pm #1

Hi all. I'm new to this so apologies if this is a little inappropriate. My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost six years. During this time he has almost never not wanted to have sex, he's usually the one looking for it. We broke up for about a month recently, but kept in contact because we have a kid together. We decided to get back together two weeks ago but ever since then he has been refusing sex. This is the longest that we have ever gone without it. He lets on like we will do it but after a few minutes of kissing says he doesn't want to and just spoons me. It isn't that he can't get it up because he has gotten hard. I don't want to pressure him but I can't hide my disappointment when he rejects me every time. Any ideas on why he might not want it anymore? I feel like he doesn't find me attractive enough anymore.

PirateShampoo · 12-12-2014 10:53pm

Being a bloke the first thing that comes to mind he is hiding something from you, a STD comes to mind.

michael999999 · 12-12-2014 10:56pm

annann1 wrote: »

Hi all. I'm new to this so apologies if this is a little inappropriate. My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost six years. During this time he has almost never not wanted to have sex, he's usually the one looking for it. We broke up for about a month recently, but kept in contact because we have a kid together. We decided to get back to get bet two weeks ago but ever since then he has been refusing sex. This is the longest that we have ever gone without it. He lets on like we will do it but after a few minutes of kissing says he doesn't want to and just spoons me. It isn't that he can't get it up because he has gotten hard. I don't want to pressure him but I can't hide my disappointment when he rejects me every time. Any ideas on why he might not want it anymore? I feel like he doesn't find me attractive enough anymore.

Is he depressed?

annann1 · 12-12-2014 11:09pm

PirateShampoo wrote: »

Being a bloke the first thing that comes to mind he is hiding something from you, a STD comes to mind.

It crossed my mind too but he said that he didn't do anything while we were broken up. I believe him but the longer he wants to go without I am having my doubts even though I don't want to.

michael999999 wrote: »

Is he depressed?

I don't think so but I'll try to suss him out a bit more. I don't think he has been acting differently in any other way.

Tokyo · 12-12-2014 11:25pm

Is it possible that the breakup might have affected him more than you think? You don't mention the circumstances of why you broke up, but in the same way that you feel unattractive now because you feel rejected by him, he may have similar feelings of rejection himself based around your breakup. Two weeks isn't that long, and he may be worried about whether getting back together is the right thing to do, whether he'll be good enough for you, or a multitude of other things.

Either way, the only way to find out is to talk to him, and express the concerns that you have posted here - that you don't feel attractive enough for him, that it's worrying you, and see if you can have a frank conversation about this, what's going on in his head, and how you might move forward.

annann1 · 13-12-2014 12:20am

mike_ie wrote: »

Is it possible that the breakup might have affected him more than you think? You don't mention the circumstances of why you broke up, but in the same way that you feel unattractive now because you feel rejected by him, he may have similar feelings of rejection himself based around your breakup. Two weeks isn't that long, and he may be worried about whether getting back together is the right thing to do, whether he'll be good enough for you, or a multitude of other things.

Either way, the only way to find out is to talk to him, and express the concerns that you have posted here - that you don't feel attractive enough for him, that it's worrying you, and see if you can have a frank conversation about this, what's going on in his head, and how you might move forward.

Possibly. I'll ask him about it. I broke up with him because he had been acting completely out of order and not showing me any respect. I decided to give him another chance when he promised he'd never act like that again. It wouldn't bother me that much if it had only been 2 weeks since we last had sex but it has been about 6 weeks, since before the break up. Our relationship previously had been quite physical, I think he has only ever not been in the mood twice or three times previously, he has never gone two weeks straight not wanting it. I don't want to pressure him and I told him this but I also told him he's making me feel like I'm not attractive enough because he can't give me a reason for his sudden change of mind. He just got defensive when I said this, even though I had said it calmly. I asked him when he thinks he will want to do it again and he laughed and said maybe Christmas.

LegacyUser · 13-12-2014 11:13am

Definitely something wrong here.. He doesn't exactly sound like a saint so what he said and what he may have done can be two very different things.

I'd demand some answers!

boardsuser1 · 13-12-2014 11:42am

It's not all about sex or std's I am with someone 7 years and haven't had sex in 3 months,just not in the humour, we have children also,but there could be a variety of reasons for him not wanting it as has been pointed out, has he a bad back at all?? That may be another potential reason

miamee · 13-12-2014 11:52am

If there was a period of time before you two broke up where he was acting out of character (I presume he's not always been disrespectful in the way he was before you broke up with him) plus not wanting sex then either, there may be something going on with him/bothering him since before you broke up.

Mongfinder General · 13-12-2014 12:00pm

Could be a number of reasons. He might not be into the OP anymore. He could be seeing somebody else. A lot of guys get into internet porn as they get bored with their partners. See if you can get a look at his internet history. Could tell you a lot more than you already know.

annann1 · 13-12-2014 8:30pm

Thanks for the replies.

I don't want to jump to conclusions but I just find it weird because it's so out of character. I understand not being in the mood sometimes but it usually doesn't go on for a couple of weeks.
I don't think it's porn because the internet is barely good enough for a short youtube video let alone anything longer. I'll ask him tonight if everything is ok. The last thing I want to do is make him think all I want is the physical stuff but I do want to know what's going on in his head.
I almost get the impression that he's punishing me for breaking it off but I could be wrong. If I actually get a straight answer I'll update you all but I wouldn't hold my breath.

conditioned games · 13-12-2014 8:45pm

He could still be pissed off from the breakup and maybe feels wronged but cant express it. Try inquiring how he feels about the reason for previous breakup.

Celly Smunt · 14-12-2014 1:40am

Back in The day when my girlfriend and I broke up for a short time and got back together i would've probably been acting The Same way.

My Problem was that i would have been ready and willing to go,kissing The whole lot and then out of The blue I would think "what if she was with someone else on The break" which is The ultimate boner killer. I guess i just couldn't handle it so soon after getting back together and it just took time to get comfortable again.

If This is The case then reassurance is everything, if not then it might be something More sinister, but i wouldnt jump to bad conclusions just yet.

annann1 · 15-12-2014 12:42am

So apparently I was worrying for nothing and he just wanted me to 'want it more' :-/

ShaShaBear · 16-12-2014 11:29am

annann1 wrote: »

So apparently I was worrying for nothing and he just wanted me to 'want it more' :-/

That sounds like him acting out to me. If my partner deprived me of anything on the assumption that he could make me "want it more", he'd very much find himself deprived of this address :pac:
That's really not on though, OP, exactly how much does he want you to want it?

Stavro Mueller · 16-12-2014 11:38am

I read back through the thread, wondering why you'd broken up and who'd done what. Then I found this: I broke up with him because he had been acting completely out of order and not showing me any respect. I decided to give him another chance when he promised he'd never act like that again. To me he's definitely punishing you for breaking it off in the first place. Perhaps an element of bullying in it too? I also wonder is it feeding in some ways into the original issues that you had?

desbrook · 16-12-2014 2:42pm

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I read back through the thread, wondering why you'd broken up and who'd done what. Then I found this: I broke up with him because he had been acting completely out of order and not showing me any respect. I decided to give him another chance when he promised he'd never act like that again. To me he's definitely punishing you for breaking it off in the first place. Perhaps an element of bullying in it too? I also wonder is it feeding in some ways into the original issues that you had?

Exactly - he's even prepared to go without sex just to be in control. That is if he is going without?

MagicMarker · 18-12-2014 12:39am

Either that or he's just got the all clear.

My boyfriend doesn't want sex anymore

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