Broke up with a great girl

LegacyUser · 09-12-2014 1:19am #1

I feel worse then I have ever felt about this. I had to break the heart of a caring, loving, loyal and beautiful girl recently. I have been on the other end of a break up before and that was the hardest thing I ever had to come through. But this is worse. Being broken up with you at least get to play the victim. You get to feel hard done by. But this, I just feel rotten to the core.

I understand logically it is the right thing to do. Better to let her go and find someone that will truly love her. But I just can't shake this. I feel like a terrible heartless person and feel utterly depressed. I couldn't even give her a reason, I cant honestly think of one myself. It just wasn't there enough. I care about her more then anyone in this world and I have just hurt her more then she has ever been hurt. I understand that if I kept it going that in the long run I would have just hurt her more, but that reasoning is giving me little solace.

I don't really know what I'm really looking for here. Maybe just some thoughts from those who have went through similar.

Sephiroth_dude · 09-12-2014 3:14am

Listen you did the right thing, sounds like you weren't into her as much as she was I to too you?

09-12-2014 11:08am

OP can I ask how long were you two together? And was this something that was building for a while?

You say you care about this girl more than anyone in the world and that she's beautiful, loving, loyal, etc. You also say you have no real reason to break up with her, and you feel miserable at the moment, so I'm genuinely wondering if you're sure it's the right thing to do?

The way I see it, love settles over time from the butterflies in the tummy feeling in the early stages to something very different - like a deep friendship with someone who knows and understands you inside out, and who supports you and makes your life better. For me, after a while love becomes a choice and a commitment rather than some magical feeling.

Do you know what it is that you want out of a future relationship that was missing from this one?

science101 · 09-12-2014 11:50am

a year ago i could of written the exact same post you made OP literally word for word. I was in a relationship with a beautiful girl, committed to me, wonderful and caring and funny. A great person to be around. Now I broke up with her and I was not sure why I did it. She was devastated. The person she thought loved and cared for her the most in the world was the one that hurt her.

I justified it because I thought she deserved better than me and maybe I was not really into her that much and she would find someone who would return the affection she was giving me. Now when I came to terms with the break up I realized I was just afraid to let someone that had the potential to hurt me. I pushed her away because I thought she would inevitably push me away. I was just a coward OP and afraid of what could go wrong. I learned my lesson though.

It took us pretty much a year though we have become friends again. We are both seeing other people now but we still meet up from time to time (to grab some food or something) other halves know and come along also sometimes. I have a great friend now that I care about but please think clearly and at least be honest with yourself as I knew deep down i was afraid

Greenduck · 09-12-2014 12:02pm

You're essentially feeling guilty cause you hurt someone that you liked, and that they are feeling sh!t because of you.

This will pass and she will feel better. You too will feel better eventually once you realise you have done this for the right reasons. People break up and recover every single day.

I would however question your statement " Being broken up with you at least get to play the victim. You get to feel hard done by". There is nothing worse than being dumped by someone you love, regardless of how horrible your guilt is now now. The confusion, tears, hurt, rejection and embarrassment are all encompassing and it takes time to heal and trust again.

There is a slight sense of self pity from your post but you have to remember you have made your choice now and inevitably have to suffer the consequences.

araic88 · 09-12-2014 5:41pm

Im going through the same thing right now & it's not easy. I feel guilty and selfish & I think I understand how you said when someone else breaks up with you you can feel sorry for yourself etc but not when you've brought it about yourself. And just because overall it wasn't right doesn't mean there weren't lovely moments together or plenty of hopes & dreams for the future. I don't have any advice because it's very raw right now for me but I know with some time it'll be easier.

beks101 · 09-12-2014 7:54pm

I'd be the dumper over the dumpee every single time. There's no pain quite like the rejection of someone you love, trust, have invested in and have opened yourself up to. It's a nightmare.

Not that im trying to guilt you OP, but a little perspective wouldn't go astray. This was never going to be easy for you. And maybe having been through it before, you can understand exactly what she's going through. But the element of control was in your hands and you called it quits because you knew in your heart it was the right thing to do.

That's what will pull you through. You'll realise that in time and will stop feeling guilty. Whereas she will never fully know why you walked away.

LegacyUser · 09-12-2014 8:02pm

@Flying Fox. We had been going out just over two years. I can't pinpoint when I felt that she just wasn't right for me. Maybe as much as 6 months prior to the break. I'm almost certain its the right choice. I just can't seem to shake knowing how much I hurt her and not having her in my life.

@Greenduck. I would have agreed with you that someone you love breaking up with you is the hardest thing to come through in life. And maybe it is. But this is getting me down just as much.

@araic88. Hope you find peace with it soon buddy.

@science101. Thanks for sharing that. I have put much thought into it and don't believe fear has anything to do with it. I do hope we can be friends in a few years to come like you and your ex did.

@Sephiroth_dude. Yeah your right. She loved me and by the end I just saw her as a friend.

woodchuck · 09-12-2014 9:10pm

I'm seriously biting my tongue here, because what I want to say would get me banned. So I'm just going to give you one piece of advice: leave her alone. Don't contact her. Give her the space she needs to heel. Don't for one second in a moment of weakness approach her talking about getting back together or being friends. You've done enough damage. Wallow in self pity if that's what you need to do, but just leave her the hell alone.

retro:electro · 09-12-2014 10:20pm

woodchuck wrote: »

I'm seriously biting my tongue here, because what I want to say would get me banned. So I'm just going to give you one piece of advice: leave her alone. Don't contact her. Give her the space she needs to heel. Don't for one second in a moment of weakness approach her talking about getting back together or being friends. You've done enough damage. Wallow in self pity if that's what you need to do, but just leave her the hell alone.

That's a bit harsh don't ya think? He sounds like a decent fella to be honest. It's not like he doesn't give a sh1t about what he's done, he's heartbroken over the fact that he has hurt her. Just because he broke up with her doesn't make him a bad person or worthy of such a harsh response. Relationships end, that's what happens. He's posting here as an outlet for his guilt, he's hardly out shagging every woman in sight.

LegacyUser · 09-12-2014 11:40pm

@woodchuck. Where did I say I was going to contact her?

I have zero intention to do so. She made it clear she wants no contact and I will completely respect that.

Why are you biting your tongue? Say what you want.

CaraMay · 10-12-2014 10:49am

What exactly do you want help with op?whats your issue?

woodchuck · 10-12-2014 12:03pm

corkboy82 wrote: »

@woodchuck. Where did I say I was going to contact her?

I have zero intention to do so. She made it clear she wants no contact and I will completely respect that.

You said you hoped to be friends at some point. That involves contact.
Don't do it.

I could be doing you an injustice, but a lot of people would be tempted to make contact over Christmas, because it 'feels wrong' not to.
Don't do it.

You may also find the grass isn't actually greener on the other side and be tempted to try patch things up with her.
Don't do it.

I'm not saying you're planning any of this at the moment, just to bare it all in mind if these thoughts do occur to you, as they do to most.

corkboy82 wrote: »

Why are you biting your tongue? Say what you want.

It's not worth a banning, but Greenduck and CaraMay have summed up a lot of my feelings on the matter in a more civilised manner than I'd be able to manage. You've made your own bed, lie in it.

shalalala · 10-12-2014 12:11pm

It sounds to me like you are depressed. And I wonder if you were depressed prior to the breakup leading to you doing it?

If not then I have to echo woodchuck. I am just recovering after a god awful breakup 6months ago. I was the dumpee, and tbh I have very little sympathy for the dumper, especially as you said it was the right decision.

wahwahjimi · 10-12-2014 12:19pm

Hey OP,

I have recently gone through exactly the same thing as you. My relationship was over 5 years and the girl I broke up with was a wonderful woman.

Breaking up with her was incredibly difficult- she never saw it coming. My reasons were that I just wasn't as invested in our relationship as she was. She deserved to be loved deeply, and I wanted to be with someone I loved, not just loved as a friend.

I felt incredibly guilty and miserable for a while, I can only imagine how she felt.

However, she WILL get over it. It will take time, but she will. And if she's as wonderful as you say, she won't have too much trouble finding someone else who can give her what you couldn't.

For what it's worth, it was the best decision I ever made, and recently, my ex thanked me for doing it, as she eventually understood that I was giving her a chance to meet someone who really loved her.

The bottom line is, in my experience, you were incredibly brave and admirable for doing it. You are doing nobody any favours by staying in a relationship that you are unfulfilled in. YOU deserve a chance at happiness, and so does she.

Well done, it will hurt, but in the long run, you did the right thing.

It's not easy. Surround yourself with friends and congratulate yourself on an incredibly brave decision.

shalalala · 10-12-2014 12:28pm

A family member and a friend have also been through breakups recently. And there is one element in all of them, the man saying "you love me more then I love you". How does one figure this out?! It has been said three times in this thread already and to me there doesn't seem to have been much conversation about it, just an assumption. I have to say it sounds like a bs excuse

Tigger99 · 10-12-2014 1:09pm

I think it means that you've much stronger feelings for me than I have for you, I.e. I want to be with someone that I deeply love and unfortunately it's not going to be you.

Harsh, but a brave thing to say instead of stringing someone along and letting things progress for too many years because someone didn't have the balls to say it earlier.

LucidLife · 10-12-2014 1:17pm

shalalala wrote: »

A family member and a friend have also been through breakups recently. And there is one element in all of them, the man saying "you love me more then I love you". How does one figure this out?! It has been said three times in this thread already and to me there doesn't seem to have been much conversation about it, just an assumption. I have to say it sounds like a bs excuse

Just an assumption but I have to say you sound like a sexist

shalalala · 10-12-2014 1:22pm

LucidLife wrote: »

Just an assumption but I have to say you sound like a sexist

Huge assumption actually. In the circumstances I have mentioned the men were all doing the dumping. If it was the other way around, I would have said "people" or "women". So I don't really see how the sex comes into play?!

I am more saying, that it is impossible to measure one persons love against another so how can anyone say that the other person loves them more? Could be different ways of expressing it or more vocal about it, doesn't mean they love you more.

Garlicrosemary · 10-12-2014 2:37pm

woodchuck wrote: »

I'm seriously biting my tongue here, because what I want to say would get me banned. So I'm just going to give you one piece of advice: leave her alone. Don't contact her. Give her the space she needs to heel. Don't for one second in a moment of weakness approach her talking about getting back together or being friends. You've done enough damage. Wallow in self pity if that's what you need to do, but just leave her the hell alone.

Is he not allowed break up with someone, staying with her would have been more damaging.

Garlicrosemary · 10-12-2014 2:41pm

shalalala wrote: »

Huge assumption actually. In the circumstances I have mentioned the men were all doing the dumping. If it was the other way around, I would have said "people" or "women". So I don't really see how the sex comes into play?!

I am more saying, that it is impossible to measure one persons love against another so how can anyone say that the other person loves them more? Could be different ways of expressing it or more vocal about it, doesn't mean they love you more.

It's not impossible to measure, you can see it in both partners actions and behaviours.

woodchuck · 10-12-2014 3:53pm

Garlicrosemary wrote: »

Is he not allowed break up with someone, staying with her would have been more damaging.

That's not what I have an issue with. Of course people should break up if they're not meant to be together. It's his attitude of 'not being allowed to play the victim' that's the problem and coming on here looking for sympathy.

OP you're NOT the victim in all this. Get over yourself...

Garlicrosemary · 10-12-2014 4:31pm

woodchuck wrote: »

That's not what I have an issue with. Of course people should break up if they're not meant to be together. It's his attitude of 'not being allowed to play the victim' that's the problem and coming on here looking for sympathy.

OP you're NOT the victim in all this. Get over yourself...

I'm not following why you are so angry about this. The OP is quite clearly deeply upset by this break up.

retro:electro · 10-12-2014 4:52pm

woodchuck wrote: »

That's not what I have an issue with. Of course people should break up if they're not meant to be together. It's his attitude of 'not being allowed to play the victim' that's the problem and coming on here looking for sympathy.

OP you're NOT the victim in all this. Get over yourself...

Would you prefer if he shrugged his shoulders and didnt give a f*ck? He's not claiming to be a victim in this, it's clear from his opening post who he views as the victim.

LegacyUser · 10-12-2014 4:54pm

OP, was there anyone else involved? I think the girl deserved more of an explanation as why you aren't together as it might lesson the hurt. Also, how is she taking it do you know? She might be doing better than you even think.

rcarroll · 10-12-2014 6:22pm

Wow, yet again proving a lot of boardsies bring a tonne of baggage with them. It's ok to feel sad after a break up and don't allow posters or anybody try to tell you you're a bad person or don't deserve to feel sad. My bf broke up with me as we both wanted different things and we realised he wasnt as invested as I was. I'm glad he took the difficult and selfless decision to talk to me about it. I know it must have been hard for him and I respect him even if it hurt..staying out of comfort or guilt is a cowards way out.

LegacyUser · 10-12-2014 6:56pm

@woodchuck

I will certainly not be contacting her again. I know only too well what that's like and the last thing I would want to do is open old wounds. I mentioned maybe being friends at some stage because she said she may contact me a few years down the line, I said that would be fine. I hope she does.

I know I'm not the victim ffs. Thats the whole point. I am certainly not looking for sympathy either.

@Guestie. No, no one else involved. It simply just wasn't there enough is the only explanation, nothing more. I have had zero contact so I have no idea.

lillylouxx · 19-12-2014 3:25am

Sometimes you just can't love someone in the way that they love you, you can't force love, its something that you feel.

Broke up with a great girl

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