Not Sexually Compatible with Current Partner?

Gneasnofada · 18-12-2014 12:12pm #1

Ok so I've been together with my current girlfriend for a few months although we've known each other for quite a few years and are very close. Everything is going well in our relationship other than sexually, where we just have very different outlooks. We're both approaching 30 and I suppose I've had more experience than her although I wouldn't class myself as a Lothario by any stretch of the imagination. I think I have a higher than average sex drive but hers seems to be well below average from my previous experiences. I have been trying to get her to open up to me and be more sexually expressive but I'm at a loss as to what I should do next. I'm not sure if its solely insecurity or she actually doesn't like sex or worse yet, sex with me!

Intimacy is a very important part of a relationship and I feel like it's beginning to affect us. I want to try everything I can to make her feel comfortable with herself and with me. It really bothers me that she seems sexually frustrated. I don't know how to explain it. I get the impression she'd like it be over in 10 mins, whereas I love to take my time. I would much prefer that she was pleasured at least as much as I am but I almost feel guilty half way through.

I have talked to her about it but I don't like making her feel bad about it. Has anybody been here are we just unsuitable for each other?

Tokyo · 18-12-2014 1:20pm

Sexual compatibility is a big part of any relationship, and in my experience tends to get downplayed somewhat, particularly in new relationships, where one person doesn't want to hurt the other persons feelings, or pushes it aside as something that can be worked on later.

You say that you don't want to make her feel bad, but this is one of those situations where you need to set that idea aside and have an honest conversation, even if the answers are what both parties don't want to hear. You are not shallow for wanting to have frequent, intimate, enjoyable sex with your partner - it's a big issue, and there are a lot of questions that need answering. You say that you don't know if it's solely insecurity or she actually doesn't like sex or worse yet, sex with you, and some of these things can be worked on once both people know what the playing field is. Others such as not wanting sex with you, obviously can't.

Hopefully the outcome will be that it can be something you can both work on. But to do that, first you need to talk. And you may have to accept that it may be a fundamental incompatibility between both of you, in which case the best course of action would be to each find someone that makes you happy and is more suited to your needs.

Gneasnofada · 18-12-2014 7:22pm

Thanks it sounds so simple reading that. She is very affectionate in other ways. Holding hands, kissing, hugging it's just when we or normally I advance further than that she seems to zone out and feel distant. I really care for her and don't want to hurt her feelings unnecessarily but I can't continue like this. I think I'll bring it up with her later and see how it goes. Thanks

The Princess Bride · 18-12-2014 8:51pm

Hi OP.
From what I've read on these threads in my few years on here, there are lots of couples in longterm relationships/ marriages who are unhappy with their sex lives.
A lot of them admit that they had different sex drives from the start of their relationships.They just thought things would improve.

I feel if this is an issue so early on in your relationship, you've discussed this with her & it hasn't made a difference, then maybe - as wonderful as everything else might be- it would be easier to just go your separate ways.

And no, that's not me saying to take the easy way out.
It's just that I'm sure you'd hate to be back here as a husband in a few years, frustrated because things are actually worse.

For the record, I've been there & as good as other aspects of the relationship were, the lacking in the sexual side was too important for me to forego.

It isn't an easy topic to discuss without the other person feeling somewhat inadequate.
So best of luck, whatever you do.

rcarroll · 18-12-2014 9:06pm

I'm a big believer in paying attention to the red flags early on, having learnt from experience the hard way. Ye are only dating a few months, that's usually when ye can't get enough of each other. If ye already have an issue so early on it doesn't bode well. I've been there and done that- people might change for a while but you'll always feel bad wondering if she really wants you or is just trying to keep the peace..and after a while, they revert back to who they are

Gneasnofada · 19-12-2014 9:47am

Ok the topic of this thread has turned on its head. We had a very long and heartbreaking conversation last night. Without going into too much detail, after a lot of tears on both sides my gf has told me, the first person ever, that she was sexually abused repeatedly as a teenager.

I had actually suspected something in the past but things she had said to me made me think it wasn't the case. She is obviously totally devestated by the affects of this and I'm amazed she has coped so well.

Worse again, I know exactly who the abuser is and although they don't have any dealings anymore he is still in her families life. They are not very close but it's still there and she just can't get past it. I really need to help her and will spend the day looking into it. Any advice about counselling etc would be great. Also any general advice on how to handle this.

I have encountered this lowlife bástard briefly and honestly I'm worried what I'll do if I ever do again. Luckily for him he lives in a different country. She suspects she's not the only victim. Thanks for reading and I hope I don't seem insensitive.

Shrap · 19-12-2014 10:41am

Ah jaysus, the poor girl

And no, you're not sounding insensitive at all. You highlighted an area of your relationship that has been confusing you and it turns out to be a massive issue for her. With your help, and professional help this will hopefully be a new start for her to address this. I've no real advice to give, but I want to say well done for the way you've approached it with her and that this disclosure can only bring you closer. Wishing you both all the best.

The Princess Bride · 19-12-2014 11:53am

It must have been very difficult for her to open up and tell you.
Connect @1800 477 4777 Wednesdays to Sundays 6-10pm.
For anyone over 18 who has experienced abuse as a child.

Best of luck to you both, you obviously approached this very sensitively for her to confide in you, well done, take time to look after you also,as this is a huge shock.

Gneasnofada · 19-12-2014 1:04pm

Thanks for the responses guys and I will forward any information onto her. I'm glad she told me so I can now help her deal with it. I feel kinda bad that I brought all this up just before Christmas as I'm sure it was very difficult traumatic for her. That probably wasn't the smartest decision in hindsight. I have just tried to explain to her how much I love her and no matter what happens I'll be there for her.

Moderators would it be possible to change the title of this thread to reflect the above? Thank you.

LegacyUser · 19-12-2014 11:47pm

Hey OP,

I read your first message and immediately guessed what the likely reason was. I was in your exact shoes a number of years ago except that my girlfriend at the time told me about her past as soon as we got together (she had been abused as a teenager by her father). Like your scenario she was affectionate with hugs, kisses and hand holding but when we went on to have sex later on in the relationship she tensed up and it was obvious that it was not enjoyable for her. I tried to be gentle with her,to talk to her to go as slowly as possible but it just didn't work.

This went on for a few months but in the end she told me that she didn't want to have sex anymore, ever again in fact. She laughed off the idea of seeking professional help (this apparently was only for weak people). I started a thread in here and the consensus was to walk away. We split up soon after. In a way it was a relief as I was starting to feel like a scumbag as I suspected that she was enduring some kinds of flashbacks and only having sex to make me happy.

It's a very tough position you're in OP. Be there for her. Listen to her. Don't put too much pressure on her but beware that this may not have an easy or happy outcome.

Gneasnofada · 20-12-2014 7:54pm

Hi Greentamborine

Yes that sounds almost identical to my situation. We have talked all night and day since and I suggested she seek professional help. Even if she never wants to have sex again, she has to try to deal with the emotional aftermath of what's happened. She says she is fine other than not liking sex. I honestly do not believe this is true and have made that clear. I think I will leave it be until the new year but I don't know how much I should push the idea.

I am being as caring and considerate as I can possibly be. Not thinking of sex or myself if that's how it might sound. My every waking thought since she told me has been about this and how much I want to destroy this disgusting bástard. I can't believe he might still be doing it to this day. He is her stepdad ftr.

westernlad4x · 21-12-2014 7:14pm

OP, greentamborine, etc :

Some of this post and thread resonated for me.
I posted a similar thread about intimacy issues in my marriage recently enough.
I sometimes have had like a sixth sense that something may have happened in my wife's past.
However, having been married for the guts of 20 yrs it seems perplexing as she never has directly said and maybe I am in the entirely wrong direction.

Odd things have happened over the years. An example being that in foreplay she found situations where I would occasionally take initiative to ask or guide her to touch me "there" were met by a lot of disapproval. She felt that was like commanding or coercive yet she had no problem asking me to touch her "there". The other thing has been a lot of self imposed asexuality and long long droughts of avoiding what should happen over a period of abstinence.

I would always be prepare to listen to her if there was something she needed to say.
As it turns out , due to pressures of our situation, I have arranged for both of us to do marriage counselling in the new year. She was resistent to begin with but maybe coming around to the idea now. Greentamborine's post resonates for me with that because for a long time she was very resistent to idea of marriage counselling despite there being an obvious elephant in the room with regards to lack of normal sexual desire in the marriage.

LegacyUser · 21-12-2014 10:08pm

Op, as i read your post, i immediately knew what her problem was because i've been that girfriend before. Just take your cues from her, if she wants to talk, let her. If she doesn't, don't force her. It took me two years of thinking and trying to go for counselling-and i srill remember the day i finally got the courage to stay on the phone long enough to make the appointment.

if she goes for counselling, please bear in mind that sometimes counselling can bring it all back, so the first few weeks of it, just be there. For yourself, try and keep the head as best you can around him. There's a futility to attempting vengeance, legal or otherwise. You can just go kick seven shades of s**te out of someone, and If, like in my case, too much has passed (in my case) to try and do anything about charges, there's very little you can do. For me, it would be a he said/she said and i can't even begin to imagine how i would go about telling my family about what happened.

Take some comfort in the fact that she loves and trusts you enough to tell you this-i have only told 1 serious boyfriend, 1 friend and my counsellor. You need to trust in her when she says she's fine with it apart from sex. She might not be, but she may have her own coping mechanisms for everyday life and that, to her right now, is her being fine. If she starts counselling, she may come to realise there's other ways of being fine. I don't really know what else to say other than take each day, each moment as it comes, take care of yourselves and well done for taking it so sensitively so far-it can't have been easy for you to hear it all either. Take care,xx

Tramps Like Us · 23-12-2014 1:23am

OP its important to remember that this is about her and that she is the victim and not you... ime raging (and naturally so) at the perpetrator and saying how you feel about him or what you'd do doesn't do any good

Gneasnofada · 23-12-2014 12:06pm

From Another girl who's been there. wrote: »

Op, as i read your post, i immediately knew what her problem was because i've been that girfriend before. Just take your cues from her, if she wants to talk, let her. If she doesn't, don't force her. It took me two years of thinking and trying to go for counselling-and i srill remember the day i finally got the courage to stay on the phone long enough to make the appointment.

if she goes for counselling, please bear in mind that sometimes counselling can bring it all back, so the first few weeks of it, just be there. For yourself, try and keep the head as best you can around him. There's a futility to attempting vengeance, legal or otherwise. You can just go kick seven shades of s**te out of someone, and If, like in my case, too much has passed (in my case) to try and do anything about charges, there's very little you can do. For me, it would be a he said/she said and i can't even begin to imagine how i would go about telling my family about what happened.

Take some comfort in the fact that she loves and trusts you enough to tell you this-i have only told 1 serious boyfriend, 1 friend and my counsellor. You need to trust in her when she says she's fine with it apart from sex. She might not be, but she may have her own coping mechanisms for everyday life and that, to her right now, is her being fine. If she starts counselling, she may come to realise there's other ways of being fine. I don't really know what else to say other than take each day, each moment as it comes, take care of yourselves and well done for taking it so sensitively so far-it can't have been easy for you to hear it all either. Take care,xx

Thanks so much for posting. I am sorry for what you've been through and hope things are going ok for you. I obviously wish the circumstances were different but it's helpful to hear advice from somebody who has been through this too.

I think you are right. I'll let her take things at her pace and not push her. It's tricky knowing what's for the best which is why your post has helped me a lot.

Also advice noted re: perpetrator. I haven't really mentioned this to her as I didn't want to upset her further. Sickens me every time I think of him but I suppose that's not an unnatural reaction.

One thing that is troubling me. GF initiated sex on Monday night which is pretty unusual to the least... I think she's worried that I'll think less of her now or that she's not enough for me. This is totally not the case! It is however very awkward for me to feel she's doing something just to please me. There was a little foreplay but didn't have sex on my say so. I don't want her to think I don't want to have sex with her either! Not sure if that makes sense but I want her to know that we do things at her pace, if and when she's ready.

We spend Christmas with my family and I'm determined she enjoys it!

Thank you.

daisybelle2008 · 23-12-2014 12:46pm

OP, it sounds like it is getting complicated already. You have only been together a couple of months, make sure you have your eyes wide open about what you are getting yourself into. In other words sounds like she has a lot of counselling and coming to terms to do. You both need to ask your selves if the timing is right for a serious romantic relationship while she is working on the issue.

tara73 · 23-12-2014 8:02pm

OP, just wanted to say, you sound like a very caring and loving partner, she's happy to have you!
and she seems to think the same, her initiating intimacy seems to me like a nonverbal huge 'thank you' to you in this situation.
I believe you two are on the right track and will make it through this very, very difficult stuff with the respect you show for each other.
all the best.

Not Sexually Compatible with Current Partner?

Comments